All_The_Worlds_a_Stage
(?)Community Member
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- Posted: Sat, 02 Feb 2013 05:45:22 +0000
I don't know if I should blame the neuroleptics as the root cause. Even though they and psychosurgery did me in for good. Plus I'm on a Haldol implant I'm pretty sure. I won't go into more details, but they're quite disturbing, even to me, and I can't find much so.
Quite simply put, what I blame first and foremost is that my sex drive is completely dead. That and everything else. Emotion, thoughts (well, almost), imagination, pleasure, everything. In fact most of the time what I feel is pain that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Nonspecific to any external or internal stimuli and overwhelming. Nothing means anything to me, I'm all but oblivious to stimuli, I can't comprehend anything. I know I was completely different before this disaster but I can just barely even remember that fact, First of all, I smoked some weed from china, and it felt like it blew some fuses. Wasn't a high at all. Wasn't a drug. Looked shiny, plastic (though I could tell it wasn't really), bendy, silk like texture. Mistake number one.
Second of all, well, I took some good mushrooms. And I rediscovered life, it felt that good almost. And it helped alot, I became quite sexually driven, and motivated to get a life. My drive was rather delicate, but would have been functional and would have come back had I nursed it back. But then one time I took some mushrooms that left me completely dead inside. Sort of, ... separated. I didn't hallucinate at all. My body just felt frozen. And my sex drive never really worked again afterword. I'd get a boner, but there was no drive, at all after. I think they were a poisonous strain. Maybe also from China.
Anyway maybe there's some way I could have fixed it before neuroleptics, maybe even after. But it seems too late now. I can't bring myself to rehabilitate myself through activities, because it increases the pain, and it takes every ounce of my effort to concentrate on them.
I was a person once, a real one. But now it seems I am no more. At least I'm not dead.
Quite simply put, what I blame first and foremost is that my sex drive is completely dead. That and everything else. Emotion, thoughts (well, almost), imagination, pleasure, everything. In fact most of the time what I feel is pain that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Nonspecific to any external or internal stimuli and overwhelming. Nothing means anything to me, I'm all but oblivious to stimuli, I can't comprehend anything. I know I was completely different before this disaster but I can just barely even remember that fact, First of all, I smoked some weed from china, and it felt like it blew some fuses. Wasn't a high at all. Wasn't a drug. Looked shiny, plastic (though I could tell it wasn't really), bendy, silk like texture. Mistake number one.
Second of all, well, I took some good mushrooms. And I rediscovered life, it felt that good almost. And it helped alot, I became quite sexually driven, and motivated to get a life. My drive was rather delicate, but would have been functional and would have come back had I nursed it back. But then one time I took some mushrooms that left me completely dead inside. Sort of, ... separated. I didn't hallucinate at all. My body just felt frozen. And my sex drive never really worked again afterword. I'd get a boner, but there was no drive, at all after. I think they were a poisonous strain. Maybe also from China.
Anyway maybe there's some way I could have fixed it before neuroleptics, maybe even after. But it seems too late now. I can't bring myself to rehabilitate myself through activities, because it increases the pain, and it takes every ounce of my effort to concentrate on them.
I was a person once, a real one. But now it seems I am no more. At least I'm not dead.
