90 day rule

[K-r-e-v-y-e-t-k-a]

Just tell them, and let them walk away if they're no longer interested.

30 days or 90 days doesn't matter, though, and this is why:
If a guy is comfortable in a relationship ( and not "in love" ) he can date a girl for forever without letting it become serious or leading it into a marriage. You might also end up with a guy who doesn't want to have sex; if you throw a rock in a group of guys you probably won't hit one of these types, but it does happen sometimes and the reasons behind it can be various.

Sex isn't a marker for when a relationship becomes "serious" -- a relationship becomes serious and approaches love when two people get to know eachother on an emotionally intimate level through shared experiences, understanding each other as people, talking, etc. Sex and sexual attraction is different when you're "in love" from when you're "in lust" with each other, as well, so even though there is attraction throughout the relationship's duration it might not be the kind that's there when you're in love.

And that's why the 30-90 day guidelines exist. To send the unreliable, uninterested guys packing early and not to spend time trying to start a relationship that won't go anywhere later.

I would honestly wait (and am waiting) until marriage. Even if you've been dating for a long time, there's no promise of future commitment, and I don't want to waste my time / emotions / etc on a person who either isn't in the stage of life to care to commit or someone who never will (for other reasons). If I wasn't waiting until marriage, I honestly wouldn't decide when to have sex based on emotional love even then. If the guy seems reliable, like he's sincerely there for me and supporting me, our relationship has that passion, he understands and accepts me and is a good influence on me, then all I would really decide on is "Yeah, I want to keep him around for a long time" (but not necessarily marry). When it's closer to "we both have the same desire / intention to stay together for a long time" (i.e. an emotional / informal of engagement) that's when I'd feel the most comfortable having sex.

Emotions and lusts are vapors in the wind. They'll come and go, but you can't get loyalty like that everyday, and I think that's the kind of relationship that has reached the stage where it's okay for sexual intimacy (and taking on all the possible consequences).

[Frantic Search]

You don't have to explain it to a guy immediately. When it comes up, talk about it. I'd say in a couple of weeks, the topic of sex might come up casually.

If you are not great at telling if it feels right, then it's completely fine for you to set the ninety day rule if it makes you feel more comfortable about having sex.

[Tsubahi]

Better use a chastity belt, just in case. lol

[Canterellare]

Chieftain Twilight

Sadist Sedated

I'm going to address the last part of your post, because I think everyone else has already covered the rest: the part where you ask, "How do I explain this to guys who ask me out?"

The answer, I think is, you don't. Or, at least, you don't have to. If they ask if you want to have sex before your "3 month rule," just say you think that would be taking things too fast or you'd prefer to spend a little more time with them before taking the relationship to that level. Don't tell them "Not yet. Try again in two weeks and four days," just tell them "Not yet." And then when they try again (if they're still around) after your 90 days are up, you can decide for yourself if you'd be comfortable having sex with that person.

nothing wrong with your advice, but.... I don't see what's wrong with just telling them that you have a 3 month rule. open honesty is important in relationships.

Because what would happen after 90 days passed and she still feel uncomfortable? Stating a timeline to your partner only to change your mind later (nothing wrong with break her own rule) might cause great disappointment for them. I think the advice of simply telling them "Not yet" or "I'm not ready" is good enough. If that person is serious, they will understand. People do change their minds. If she doesn't feel comfortable with it after 3 months in a relationship, she shouldn't force herself to follow the rule. Instead, do it when it feels right.

Don't get me wrong: honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. However, setting up someone's hope only to be disappointment because that other person broke the 90 day rule would cause problems. Now if the person is understanding, then hell that might be the one lol. Seriously though, its up to her if she wants to give the full detail or not. She doesn't have to but its her choice since its her rule.

That's my opinion on the the whole situation.

[Chieftain Twilight]

K-r-e-v-y-e-t-k-a

If a guy is comfortable in a relationship ( and not "in love" ) he can date a girl for forever without letting it become serious or leading it into a marriage. You might also end up with a guy who doesn't want to have sex; if you throw a rock in a group of guys you probably won't hit one of these types, but it does happen sometimes and the reasons behind it can be various.

I do have a few bones to pick about this part right here. confused

1.) you seem to be assuming that one-guy/one-girl relationships are the rule here. if I am reading too much into this, just let me know. I wanna be clear here, so if it wasn't mean that way that's fine.

2.) I honestly have a problem with your statement that men who aren't interested in sex are rare. it isn't any more or less common than a girl who isn't interested in sex. gender has nothing to do with libido.

3.) you seem to be making an assumption of what guys want in relationships, and how they operate romantically and/or sexually. men who are comfortable in a relationship (and not in love) have as much variance in whether or not they want a relationship to last without marriage as girls have. again, gender plays no role here.

[Chieftain Twilight]

Canterellare

Chieftain Twilight

Sadist Sedated

I'm going to address the last part of your post, because I think everyone else has already covered the rest: the part where you ask, "How do I explain this to guys who ask me out?"

The answer, I think is, you don't. Or, at least, you don't have to. If they ask if you want to have sex before your "3 month rule," just say you think that would be taking things too fast or you'd prefer to spend a little more time with them before taking the relationship to that level. Don't tell them "Not yet. Try again in two weeks and four days," just tell them "Not yet." And then when they try again (if they're still around) after your 90 days are up, you can decide for yourself if you'd be comfortable having sex with that person.

nothing wrong with your advice, but.... I don't see what's wrong with just telling them that you have a 3 month rule. open honesty is important in relationships.

Because what would happen after 90 days passed and she still feel uncomfortable? Stating a timeline to your partner only to change your mind later (nothing wrong with break her own rule) might cause great disappointment for them. I think the advice of simply telling them "Not yet" or "I'm not ready" is good enough. If that person is serious, they will understand. People do change their minds. If she doesn't feel comfortable with it after 3 months in a relationship, she shouldn't force herself to follow the rule. Instead, do it when it feels right.

Don't get me wrong: honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. However, setting up someone's hope only to be disappointment because that other person broke the 90 day rule would cause problems. Now if the person is understanding, then hell that might be the one lol. Seriously though, its up to her if she wants to give the full detail or not. She doesn't have to but its her choice since its her rule.

That's my opinion on the the whole situation.

but even if she does say that she has this rule, that doesn't mean that she's obligated to put out when they've reached that marker. I'm just saying, both methods -- telling them why or not -- are perfectly reasonable options to take.

[Canterellare]

Chieftain Twilight

Canterellare

Chieftain Twilight

Sadist Sedated

I'm going to address the last part of your post, because I think everyone else has already covered the rest: the part where you ask, "How do I explain this to guys who ask me out?"

The answer, I think is, you don't. Or, at least, you don't have to. If they ask if you want to have sex before your "3 month rule," just say you think that would be taking things too fast or you'd prefer to spend a little more time with them before taking the relationship to that level. Don't tell them "Not yet. Try again in two weeks and four days," just tell them "Not yet." And then when they try again (if they're still around) after your 90 days are up, you can decide for yourself if you'd be comfortable having sex with that person.

nothing wrong with your advice, but.... I don't see what's wrong with just telling them that you have a 3 month rule. open honesty is important in relationships.

Because what would happen after 90 days passed and she still feel uncomfortable? Stating a timeline to your partner only to change your mind later (nothing wrong with break her own rule) might cause great disappointment for them. I think the advice of simply telling them "Not yet" or "I'm not ready" is good enough. If that person is serious, they will understand. People do change their minds. If she doesn't feel comfortable with it after 3 months in a relationship, she shouldn't force herself to follow the rule. Instead, do it when it feels right.

Don't get me wrong: honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. However, setting up someone's hope only to be disappointment because that other person broke the 90 days rule would cause problems. Now if the person is understanding, then hell that might be the one lol. Seriously though, its up to her if she wants to give the full detail or not. She doesn't have to but its her choice since its her rule.

That's my opinion on the the whole situation.

but even if she does say that she has this rule, that doesn't mean that she's obligated to put out when they've reached that marker. I'm just saying, both methods -- telling them why or not -- are perfectly reasonable options to take.

I know she isn't obligated. I understand that. What I'm trying to say is that it might cause complication between her and the person she would be dating. Like getting that person's hope up only to be disappointed. Waiting to take their relationship to the next level only to be told its not time once again. I don't know. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't feel that way. But there are some hearing "wait 2 more weeks and 4 days", would cause problems. Then again, I guess it will display whether the person is worth it or now by the reaction of her choices. This is if she is fully opened about the 90 days rule.

Anyways, I do agree with you: she has a choice over which of the methods she should take. I'm simply explaining what I believe is the reason why simply saying "Not yet" is fine.

[Chieftain Twilight]

Canterellare

Chieftain Twilight

Canterellare

Chieftain Twilight

Sadist Sedated

I'm going to address the last part of your post, because I think everyone else has already covered the rest: the part where you ask, "How do I explain this to guys who ask me out?"

The answer, I think is, you don't. Or, at least, you don't have to. If they ask if you want to have sex before your "3 month rule," just say you think that would be taking things too fast or you'd prefer to spend a little more time with them before taking the relationship to that level. Don't tell them "Not yet. Try again in two weeks and four days," just tell them "Not yet." And then when they try again (if they're still around) after your 90 days are up, you can decide for yourself if you'd be comfortable having sex with that person.

nothing wrong with your advice, but.... I don't see what's wrong with just telling them that you have a 3 month rule. open honesty is important in relationships.

Because what would happen after 90 days passed and she still feel uncomfortable? Stating a timeline to your partner only to change your mind later (nothing wrong with break her own rule) might cause great disappointment for them. I think the advice of simply telling them "Not yet" or "I'm not ready" is good enough. If that person is serious, they will understand. People do change their minds. If she doesn't feel comfortable with it after 3 months in a relationship, she shouldn't force herself to follow the rule. Instead, do it when it feels right.

Don't get me wrong: honesty is a huge factor in a relationship. However, setting up someone's hope only to be disappointment because that other person broke the 90 days rule would cause problems. Now if the person is understanding, then hell that might be the one lol. Seriously though, its up to her if she wants to give the full detail or not. She doesn't have to but its her choice since its her rule.

That's my opinion on the the whole situation.

but even if she does say that she has this rule, that doesn't mean that she's obligated to put out when they've reached that marker. I'm just saying, both methods -- telling them why or not -- are perfectly reasonable options to take.

I know she isn't obligated. I understand that. What I'm trying to say is that it might cause complication between her and the person she would be dating. Like getting that person's hope up only to be disappointed. Waiting to take their relationship to the next level only to be told its not time once again. I don't know. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who wouldn't feel that way. But there are some hearing "wait 2 more weeks and 4 days", would cause problems. Then again, I guess it will display whether the person is worth it or now by the reaction of her choices. This is if she is fully opened about the 90 days rule.

Anyways, I do agree with you: she has a choice over which of the methods she should take. I'm simply explaining what I believe is the reason why simply saying "Not yet" is fine.

well, I didn't say that the other method wasn't also ok. in fact, I stated that it's also a good idea. but I just feel that there's no good reason to think that telling them the reason is a bad idea.

[Sky Blue Faerie]

Like I said, this isn't about sex being a reward, but to protect myself. Being autistic I can sometimes be easily manipulated, and unfortunately I am a very attractive woman. But no man is going to wait 3 months if he isn't serious about wanting a relationship. This will weed out those who plan to 'hit it and quit it'

Plus I like sex, but get emotionally invested in anyone I have physical contact with. This rule will allow me to not get caught up in hormones then do something that will make it harder on me if the relationship is doomed. Make me look at him realistically without clinging to some romanticized fantasy of who he is and our future together.

Because that is what I really want, not sex, but a future with one man. The last one, the one I think was really married, found some excuse to end it when I told him I felt like he only wanted me for sex and thought we should slow down for a while. That was torture to me, I don't want to go through that again.

[Silentmarie]

I think a 90 day rule sounds good.

I waited about 6 months, but I was only 16. I'm 19 now and still with him!

[VeganIncubus]

Toki Bird

No I do not have such a rule.

What's wrong with having just sex?

Not all people are comfortable with having sex right away.

[Toki Bird]

XxTheVeganVampirexX

Toki Bird

No I do not have such a rule.

What's wrong with having just sex?

Not all people are comfortable with having sex right away.

she says she has a relationship like every 4 years or whatever.
Seems pretty pointless to go through all the trouble if she knows it's not going to last/be a regular thing.

[VeganIncubus]

Toki Bird

she says she has a relationship like every 4 years or whatever.
Seems pretty pointless to go through all the trouble if she knows it's not going to last/be a regular thing.

For her to "go through all the trouble" is necessary. She just doesn't feel comfortable right away, and it's for her mental and emotional health.

I personally have a difficult time being intimate with other people without first forming an emotional connection.

[Toki Bird]

XxTheVeganVampirexX

Toki Bird

she says she has a relationship like every 4 years or whatever.
Seems pretty pointless to go through all the trouble if she knows it's not going to last/be a regular thing.

For her to "go through all the trouble" is necessary. She just doesn't feel comfortable right away, and it's for her mental and emotional health.

I personally have a difficult time being intimate with other people without first forming an emotional connection.

Well that's lame.

[VeganIncubus]

Toki Bird

Well that's lame.

Yes, how wonderful it must be to be so neurotypical and physical-bodied that you can be derisive towards others' life experiences and brain structure or feelings and use words like 'lame' to mean bad or ridiculous or dull.