What stands out to me in all of this is that you're afraid. You say you have social anxiety, and that is the number one issue you're facing right now. You CAN have closeness with others, but right now you're blocked from that by fear. I think you should seek help to treat the anxiety, so that you can experience being free from it in real life. That feeling does exist, it will just take some work to reach it. If nothing else, start small. Reach out and start with online friendships, where you don't feel threatened. Once you realize you can open up to others, and that not everyone is out to hurt you, you can start taking steps toward meeting people offline and finding the connection you want so badly.
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