Why can't I stop fantasizing about my ex?

[Alek_Gordon]

I've only had two real relationships in my life, one with my high school sweetheart and my current one with my wife. It’s been six years today since my high school ex and I broke up and I know this might sound offensive but I still think about her sexually from time to time.

This girl was very beautiful and sexy, and I did a lot of sexually exciting things with her. It got to a point were we almost got caught a few times doing our sexual exploits in school. Later she broke up with me to go back with her ex. I was really affected and it took me a while before I dated someone again.

Then I met my wife. I love my wife very much and we are very happy with each other, but when it comes to sex, I don't feel satisfied. I do enjoy it, but I would rather do some of the exciting things I did with my ex. (My wife doesn't want to of course.) So every once in a while I find myself getting off on the memories of my past sexual exploits with my ex. I try using porn so I don't think of her, but she still keeps popping in my head whenever I'm about to climax. Lately I've been thinking about contacting her, and I don't want to do that, but I feel myself slipping into that direction soon if I don't do something about this. Can anyone here give me his or her thoughts about this?

Update(2/5/13):

Thanks for all the responses everyone. I will take this advice to heart and not contact my ex. I really love my wife and I want to work out these sexual frustrations with her. For those who asked what I was into with my ex. We did a lot of a**l play, sex in dangerous places(like in the movies or in her grandma's pool) and sex slave roleplaying. I tried suggesting those things to my wife but she just wants to keep doing what we do all the time which is sex in the missionary position. So you can see why I still fantasize about my ex. I will however try mentioning sex therapy and see if that can work. If you still have any advice about this situation or wanna add something more I will greatly appreciated it. Thanks again.

[fubenkunai]

Other people's mileage may vary, but I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking about people other than your partner when you're masturbating. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're dead, you're still going to see other people and find them attractive, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you hate your partner and are not attracted to them, it's just part of being human. Some people aren't that way, but most of us are and as long as we're discreet about it, it's fine.

That said, I think you probably have some deeper issues with your wife and marriage. The way you talk about your wife is...unflattering. It seems like you think of her as some horribly prudish drudge, like she's some 1950s frigid-wife caricature. There's some judging that is seeping out of those words, probably entirely by accident. I think you might want to think about where that attitude comes from. I think you also need to talk about your sexual needs. There is nothing wrong with being kinky, nor is there anything wrong with being vanilla. Neither of you is a prude or a freak. But you do need to talk and see where you're both willing to compromise. You may benefit from a sex therapist or couples' therapist mediating these discussions, as they can be difficult and embarrassing. What happens then depends on the result of your conversations. Maybe your wife just had some hangups and could begin to experiment once she'd resolved them. Maybe you consider an open marriage. Maybe you're not compatible and you make a hard choice. No wrong answers here, but you do have to ask some questions, y'know?

And don't contact your ex. It might come off as a bit creepy, and for all you know she's got a great life going on and would really not welcome a hook-up message from her high-school boyfriend. Plus, I think it's important to address your issues in your marriage without muddying the waters. You need to evaluate where you are on its own merits, which is impossible if you're playing grass-is-greener with your ex.

[Narcissistic Admiration]

DON'T CONTACT HER! Are you crazy?! Talk to your wife more about it and see if you guys could make a compromise to where you get freaky nasty sex at least on your birthday and holidays or something.

[Adorable]

Do NOT contact her. Just think about how she broke your heart. Think of how nasty she is to do that to you for her ex. You have a wife who you LOVE. Work on the sexual stuff with her. Be HONEST with her. Tell her how you feel.

[LoVE LiKe A RaZoR]

I don't think you miss your ex, just the things you use to do together. but for the love of all things holy, DO NOT CONTACT her. if you truly value your marriage with your wife, then you need to work things out with her. you need to sit and have this conversation with her about what your missing, and see if you two can come to a compromise. and if not then you should explore other options like therapy. (for you and her)

can I ask what kinds of "activities" are we talking about? like just really dirty sex? or more in the BDSM category? just asking, it might make things more clear for us.

[Honey of the South]

Dude, you do not contact the ex until years (read: more than 6) after you've broken up. Talk to your wife, figure things out. Odds are, she may understand and not totally blow up at you, as long as you tell her in a proper tone of voice.

[Angeltear1716]

Your wife doesn't deserve this so do not contact your ex. Talk to her, try marriage counselling, sex counselling. Anything but what you're suggesting you may do.

There's plenty of things you can do to spice things up, and chances are she might be bored with activity in the bedroom. Use your imagination and creativity - you clearly have way too much time if you have it to think about your ex.

[M i n 0 u h]

Holly s**t, if My bf would think about an other girl while I give him a good bj, i'd be so fuuuucking pissed off, oh god I don't even wanna think about him thinking about an other girl, urg!
Anyway, dude don't contact her. You'll hurt you wife's feeling. It would kill me honestly.

[Bastets Blessing]

Tell her. Maybe she will be able to divorce you and find better. You don't deserve your wife.

[HaruneRei]

Wowww at some of these responses.
Dude, don't feel like a horrible person because you feel unsatisfied. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just means there are issues within your relationship and that you need to handle it with communication. If you actually contacted your ex, then yeah, that'd be wrong.
And Jesus, stop making his wife out to be a victim. It's not like you know her, anyways. Who "deserves" another person? Is life really that simple?

[thenightgoddess]

Have you talked to your wife about it? If you havent then that is the first thing you should do she might be more likely to do what you want if she were to know. You also might want to go to a therapist about it. I think it is normal to think about your first love I know I am married and I still do it. But I would never go back to my ex after all he is my ex for a reason. I love my husband. I sometimes have dreams about my first love and having sex but that is all I dont fantasize about him during sex or mastrubation. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX

[goodnight stranger]

The o.p loves his wife but is bored sexually. He is not a jerk or a monster - he is a human being.

O.p - you fantasize about your ex from time to time because being with her was exciting. You did things together that were reckless and spontaneous. This is understandable, and the fact that you're here asking about it and the fact that you've tried to stop and have felt guilt about it proves how devoted you are to your wife. However, If you feel as though your sexlife is currently bland and unsatisfying contacting this ex will lead to nothing but trouble. If you really must do this than you must sacrifice something - you must choose her or your wife and end it with your wife beforehand. It would be extremely selfish and immature to do both and it would solve nothing.

I don't reccommend contacting this ex at all though. You have something beautiful and substantial with the woman you are currently with. Have you talked to her at all? Doing things in public isn't the only way to spice things up. Talk to her about roleplaying, open up about to eachother about your fantasies. Maybe start using toys (there are sex toys that are meant to be used by both partners at the same time and that are pleasureable for both). Be honest. Let her know you'd like to experiment sexually, she may be open to it. That's the first step.

[Rockstar Dreams]

HaruneRei

Wowww at some of these responses.
Dude, don't feel like a horrible person because you feel unsatisfied. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just means there are issues within your relationship and that you need to handle it with communication. If you actually contacted your ex, then yeah, that'd be wrong.
And Jesus, stop making his wife out to be a victim. It's not like you know her, anyways. Who "deserves" another person? Is life really that simple?

I completely agree with you.

[angel_259236102]

If you are nto satisfied by sex, that needs to change. I dont know what you are into but you shoudl be able to find a compromise, or really you SHOULD. Your wife should want ot make you happy enough that she will be tolerant some non vanilla stuff. At the same time you shoudlnt push extreme stuff on her, it is the middle tha you want.

The other problem is that you are soo into this sexual fantasy of someone you dated 6 years ago that you are thinking about contacting her and I assume cheating? Yeah no.

[Rockstar Dreams]

Seriously guys, way to jump on the 'oh my god, his poor wife!' bandwagon. Sometimes people just really are not compatible sexually and trying to force a relationship like that will only cause resentment in both people. You can't change what you like sexually and trying to force it would be counterproductive. So OP, if after you've talked to your wife and tried sex therapy she refuses to compromise and you're feeling dissatisfied then divorce seems to be the best option. If someone really loves someone though they would at least try to compromise or else let the person go, relationships aren't 'Me, me, me!', relationships involve making compromises and sacrifices.