What am I doing wrong? [Closed]

[HirotoSumi]

I've known a female friend since 2008. Basically met through a forum and talked a few times a month at first via instant messaging, I made a lot of mistakes, we stopped being friends several times, but she helped me change and become a better individual, I finally learned from such mistakes, and now we talk a few times a week. We've been talking/instant messaging the last few years now without any issues, except minor mistakes on my part once in a while, and things are going well in general. I am satisfied with this particular friendship, and she too seems to like it.

However, sometimes the conversations are very brief, or starting to become repetitive in my opinion. I usually send a greeting, and may receive a reply, sometimes I don't because she's busy. Then we usually talk about what we're up to, she says that she's busy with something, and we decide to chat at a later time. This is all online through Skype, have done voice calls a few times, but it's been at least a year since we have. I feel like it's been a while since we've had a conversation that lasted more than an hour.

Anyway, what really baffles me, maybe I'm jealous or something is wrong with me, is that other friends of hers are able to talk with her on a daily basis for hours, or she seems more engaged with them. They text each other, play games with each other, do voice calls with each other, and more, and they have known each other for a year or less.

I would like to become closer with her as a friend, but I'm not sure how. What can I do to become closer to her without being forceful about it? Is it a personality thing, or just a matter of trying to talk more during the week? What kind of questions are engaging and keep the conversation going? Is it okay or helpful to have brief conversations several times a week? Thank you.

[legnanellaf5]

Sounds like you just have nothing to talk about? You cant force common interests or how engaged she is in the convo with you. Being close with friends isnt about how long you have known them either.

There is nothing wrong with brief convos that happen often. I also find that if you talk often you have less to say because less has happened between time times you have talked, so you may want to talk less to have a longer convo.

[HirotoSumi]

legnanellaf5

Sounds like you just have nothing to talk about? You cant force common interests or how engaged she is in the convo with you. Being close with friends isnt about how long you have known them either.

There is nothing wrong with brief convos that happen often. I also find that if you talk often you have less to say because less has happened between time times you have talked, so you may want to talk less to have a longer convo.

So basically talking just a few times a week is the better way to approach it anyway. But even then it seems like she's busy each time that we try to talk, and the conversation is cut short. I guess I'm still confused as to why certain friends talk to her more, or are more interesting to her. Maybe I'm not that interesting to talk to or something. crying Thank you though for the response!

[Stale Taste]

Stop trying. It sounds like you are putting in the effort but getting no results. Accept it as it is.

[princessneversleep]

Thats internet relationships for you. You can't make the connection you would in person. Over messaging you can't hangout, make memories or perceive facial expressions.

[SOB GOBLlN]

sounds like you guys just dont have a lot in common
its not a bad thing and its not your fault, sometimes peoples personalities just dont mix quite as well

[HirotoSumi]

Stale Taste

Stop trying. It sounds like you are putting in the effort but getting no results. Accept it as it is.

So continue to be satisfied with how things are even if other friends are closer. Thanks.

ouija bored

sounds like you guys just dont have a lot in common
its not a bad thing and its not your fault, sometimes peoples personalities just dont mix quite as well

Yeah, that's possible. The other friends play the same games, watch the same shows, and I moderately do the same things. But sometimes it seems like they are asked to play games or do certain things with them. I get recommendations every once in a while. Oh well. Thanks.

nikkinac

Thats internet relationships for you. You can't make the connection you would in person. Over messaging you can't hangout, make memories or perceive facial expressions.

Yep. Seems hard to find real life friends at this age though. Most friends are getting married, at school, or working. Thanks.

[kizoi]

Small talk has been the death of some of my relationships...I mean, I still do it. It's polite and all. But if it's someone I really want to get to know, I try to figure out - what do I want to find out about them? What would I like to discuss and have meaningful conversations about?

Then, I ask them if we can skip the small talk, and go straight to something deeper (something I've already decided I want to find out their opinion on). Some people aren't comfortable with this, but others might surprise you! When I click with a person, the conversation tends to flow naturally from there, with one topic leading to another.

It helps to ask open-ended questions if the person likes talking about themselves. If you ask a yes or no question, you sometimes get just a yes or no answer. But if you change the question type or follow up a regular yes / no with how / why questions, you might get more creative responses.

[HirotoSumi]

kizoi

Wow. Thank you for that answer, and it is definitely an excellent idea. Sometimes I wonder if I ask too many simple questions that cut the conversation short. Like I usually ask how they are doing and then if it's okay to talk or not. Sometimes I feel like asking a deep question might be too nosy, but we've been friends for so long that maybe I need to be more bold and ask anyway.

[mangachan]

You could concentrate on other relationships in your life instead of this one girl. It's nice that you guys are cool but you won't be everyone's bff.

You could tell her about things that are going on in your life that mean a lot to you can see if she reciprocates…get past the surface as others are saying.

[HirotoSumi]

mangachan

You could concentrate on other relationships in your life instead of this one girl. It's nice that you guys are cool but you won't be everyone's bff.

You could tell her about things that are going on in your life that mean a lot to you can see if she reciprocates…get past the surface as others are saying.

Yeah. I try to talk to other friends on a weekly basis, too. Sometimes I feel like if I talk about myself too much though that I'll be boring to listen to.

[Tsubahi]

You two are drifting apart and that's normal.

Just let her go and find more interesting friends who are more INTERESTED in you, ok?

[invalid request]

she's probably made new friends that have more things in common with her and simply interest her more, which you could be doing too.

not all friendships work out, you've known each other for a LONG time now but it seems like she put in a lot of effort to help you and change you, and work out problems between the two of you. she probably is searching for friends that require less maintenance and are easier to communicate with. if you two have known each other for this long then she probably already knows everything about you, there isn't much more to learn and since you aren't IRL friends there isn't much else to do.

if you want to "hangout" with her more you could offer to play some f2pMMO's or multiplayer/co-op games or watch some shows together, but if she continues to insist that she's too busy to hang with you and then goes off to spend time with other people, then she's simply losing interest in the relationship.

it happens, it's not fun but you just need to let it be. you can't force somebody to stay in a friendship that they don't want. you just need to find somebody new and explore some other communities. not all friends are worth saving and she doesn't seem to value you as much as you do anymore. definitely not worth it, sweety.

it's fine to remain on speaking terms with her and see how she's doing once in a while, you can continue that if you'd like but i suggest focusing more of your energy on other friendships instead.

[HirotoSumi]

Cuppolove

You two are drifting apart and that's normal.

Just let her go and find more interesting friends who are more INTERESTED in you, ok?

I don't think she wants to stop being friends though. We might be drifting apart a bit though, and maybe because I don't participate in the same games, or something. Good idea to talk to other friends in the meantime. Thanks though.

Invalid Request

Oh okay. Thank you for the response. I'm not that high of maintenance anymore, or she hasn't been mad or upset about anything in a long time. I think she does value me as a friend, but sometimes she's too busy to talk because of a game or something. But I'll reach out to other friends in the meantime.

Thank you for the replies everyone. Going to talk more and ask more deep questions. Plus talk to other friends in the meantime.