Charlie Torch
(?)Community Member
Offline
- Posted: Sat, 26 Mar 2005 14:47:15 +0000
As much as I really hate talking about my problems, or resorting to "Life Issues".
Anyway, I've been really depressed lately, I've been tired, I dont do what I normaly like to do. Also sometimes ever little bad memory just comes back and hits me and I fall to the floor and start crying. I dont do this in public, I hold it in for as long as I can.
Last time it happened I was hardly able to get up. I just could move. I just sat there and cried. The thing is, I dont cut though.
Sometimes I would drink but I stopped that though because I would be just as sad but I would be angry as well. Last time I got a bit drunk in my depression I left a big crack in a wall in my house.
I mean, I always try making my friends think there is nothing wrong and when someone asks I never tell them because I dont want to bother them and I dont want to seem like some angsty ********. So I keep it hidden, I keep it secret. I laugh and joke but the sadness and depression and every bad memory is hammering away in the back of my head. I can never feel comfortable anywhere. I think one of my friends wants me dead for some reason, I dont know why, I think she wasnt to kill me.
Plus another person I know is trying to "help" me. She wants to be a shrink and wants to hear about my problems, but I dont want to tell her because I fear she'll call the mental home on me.
I always feel unloved and unwanted, every day I wake up and I feel as if every day I'm a big bother for my parents, of course I love them, but I feel as if they just want to get rid of me and I feel as if they're just disapointed in me all the time and I dont talk to them much because I'm afraid of what I might say to them and they'll either take it the wrong way or will just think I'm crazy.
One time I actually told my guidance coucelor one day that it was sometimes hard for me to pay attention to things. My grades werent so good and I told her why. I really cant because I get distracted and I never finish my homework that way. Then she called my house and my parents started yelling asking me why the ******** I said that. I told them it was true then they said "oh you just want attention, you want to sound like something is wrong with you so people feel bad for you." First of all, I do have a problem with my attention span and I never said anything about it for years. But its gotten really nnoying lately. Second, NO s**t I WANT ATTENTION! The attention I got as a kid was never positive. I never got anything when I did something good. No rewards or anything. But when I did something bad I'd be yelled at and sometimes beaten. Even if it was an accident. So I began to have violant tendancies, I would beat other kids and torutre some of them. I dont do that anymore but the intent is there. Attention....no s**t I want attention because no one ever paid attention to me as a kid, everyone just thought I was a ******** idiot. Thats why got violant.
I'm 17 now and so far I've had nly one girlfriend and she's been a b***h. I mean, years ago. She was really a b***h she just didnt care about anything. But I wont talk about that.
Now I just keep getting rejected all the time and I really sometimes fall in love with some of the girls but I get rejected and I just cant take it anymore. Now I'm thinking what my life will be like. I mean, I'm already 17 and I'm so confused about what I will do with my life because the way I see it either way I just lose in the end. I always feel as if I'll never be loved...ever. I feel even if I make alot money I'll just be dead inside and I'll be unhappy. Plus I'm really afraid that I'll die alone, with no one beside me when I take my last breath and I just cant take it. I think about sometimes and I just cry because it really gets to me. I just dotn know anymore. I dont and I really just sometimes wish I was never born and curse at god for bringing me here.
Anyway, I've been really depressed lately, I've been tired, I dont do what I normaly like to do. Also sometimes ever little bad memory just comes back and hits me and I fall to the floor and start crying. I dont do this in public, I hold it in for as long as I can.
Last time it happened I was hardly able to get up. I just could move. I just sat there and cried. The thing is, I dont cut though.
Sometimes I would drink but I stopped that though because I would be just as sad but I would be angry as well. Last time I got a bit drunk in my depression I left a big crack in a wall in my house.
I mean, I always try making my friends think there is nothing wrong and when someone asks I never tell them because I dont want to bother them and I dont want to seem like some angsty ********. So I keep it hidden, I keep it secret. I laugh and joke but the sadness and depression and every bad memory is hammering away in the back of my head. I can never feel comfortable anywhere. I think one of my friends wants me dead for some reason, I dont know why, I think she wasnt to kill me.
Plus another person I know is trying to "help" me. She wants to be a shrink and wants to hear about my problems, but I dont want to tell her because I fear she'll call the mental home on me.
I always feel unloved and unwanted, every day I wake up and I feel as if every day I'm a big bother for my parents, of course I love them, but I feel as if they just want to get rid of me and I feel as if they're just disapointed in me all the time and I dont talk to them much because I'm afraid of what I might say to them and they'll either take it the wrong way or will just think I'm crazy.
One time I actually told my guidance coucelor one day that it was sometimes hard for me to pay attention to things. My grades werent so good and I told her why. I really cant because I get distracted and I never finish my homework that way. Then she called my house and my parents started yelling asking me why the ******** I said that. I told them it was true then they said "oh you just want attention, you want to sound like something is wrong with you so people feel bad for you." First of all, I do have a problem with my attention span and I never said anything about it for years. But its gotten really nnoying lately. Second, NO s**t I WANT ATTENTION! The attention I got as a kid was never positive. I never got anything when I did something good. No rewards or anything. But when I did something bad I'd be yelled at and sometimes beaten. Even if it was an accident. So I began to have violant tendancies, I would beat other kids and torutre some of them. I dont do that anymore but the intent is there. Attention....no s**t I want attention because no one ever paid attention to me as a kid, everyone just thought I was a ******** idiot. Thats why got violant.
I'm 17 now and so far I've had nly one girlfriend and she's been a b***h. I mean, years ago. She was really a b***h she just didnt care about anything. But I wont talk about that.
Now I just keep getting rejected all the time and I really sometimes fall in love with some of the girls but I get rejected and I just cant take it anymore. Now I'm thinking what my life will be like. I mean, I'm already 17 and I'm so confused about what I will do with my life because the way I see it either way I just lose in the end. I always feel as if I'll never be loved...ever. I feel even if I make alot money I'll just be dead inside and I'll be unhappy. Plus I'm really afraid that I'll die alone, with no one beside me when I take my last breath and I just cant take it. I think about sometimes and I just cry because it really gets to me. I just dotn know anymore. I dont and I really just sometimes wish I was never born and curse at god for bringing me here.
