Welcome to Gaia! ::

Wow. Just got to say...horrible night last night..my boyfriend confessed to me his secret of wanting to be...a girl. He feels that if he was able to, he'd get the full blown surgery and everything, but most likely, he'd take hormonal pills to just make it where he has the appearance of a female.

His parents (which he hasn't told) and I am the only people in his way of going through with this. A part of me is telling me to be supportive of him, but I can't. I don't feel this would do anything. He was born male and will REMAIN male no matter what he does in my eyes. But I won't be physically attracted to him.

Basically why he wants to do this "change":
-he feels he'd have more self-esteem
-he feels the "girly" things he does would then become acceptable
-he hates the male genetailia

Why I don't want him to:
-I fell in love with him for who he was. He doesn't have to change to make me accept his "girly" traits, even if society doesn't want to.
-Would put a huge dent in our relationship, most likely just ripping us apart.

He told me we could then be "friends". But I don't want that. I want a BOYFRIEND, who I fell in love with! Imagine a mother dying and the father bringing in some other lady in the kids life. They may take care of the kid, but it isn't the same. It's not "mommy". Just like how he won't be "Jake"* ever again. He's killing "Jake" to be someone he's not.

Does this make me selfish? I don't mean to be, but I feel like he wants this more then he wants me. He said if he does go through the change and I manage to stay with him, then we'd just not have sex.

In my opinion really, he won't be the same. This won't be "Jake" anymore. It'd be like giving me someone with the same personality and everything and telling me it's "Jake" but it's not.

I don't have anyone else to talk to at the moment, and I really don't know what to do about this, LI. I'm hurt by this, and feel horrible for saying how I'm against it even if I supposedly should be supporting him in this. ...Help?



*Name changed
I'd be a bit shocked/hurt too if my boyfriend suddenly told me that he wants to be a girl!

I think that you should talk to him! Tell him why you like him, tell him how important he means to you. Tell him that even if he does "girly" things, he doesn't have to be a girl, I mean lots of guys do "girly" things! I'm guessing that he might get teased about being girly? That may be the reason why he doesn't feel confident in himself. Tell him that even though he can change his appearance and everything else, he can't change what's on the inside. Others should accept him for who he is and not what gender he is!

It might just be a spur of the moment thing.

Or perhaps not.

Either way, you might just have to learn to get over it and learn to support him even though it might hurt!
S/He's not killing Jake to be who s/he is. S/he has to be selfish at this time in his/her life. I don't believe that those are the only reasons s/he is doing this. S/he wants to be a girl because s/he IS a girl in his/her mind, and wants to make his/her mind match up with the body.

I do think you're being a little selfish for trying to stop him/her from doing this. This kind of thing is EXTREMELY difficult to do without a girlfriend standing in your way as well as parents and the doctors you have to convince to even get the hormane therapy/surgery.

I probably sound a little biased though, being in the same/opposite position and all.
Good for you that those who want to undergo sex changes need to go through intense psycho-evaluation. For the reasons your boyfriend stated, he won't ever be aloud to have a sex change operation, and I doubt they will let him take hormones either.

From what you are saying, he wants to be a girl simply because he wants to be female, not because he does feel as is he truly is female.

I wouldn't worry about it honestly, it sounds as if it is probably a passing fancy because he feels self-conscious about himself. He'll grow out of it as he grows into himself.
well, that sucks blaugh
God, you are so insensitive. This is probably one of the hardest things in her life to tell you she was born into the wrong body. This is a real thing, this is being trans. If she honestly feels like she is a woman there is nothing wrong with that, and your selfish desires to hold her back is probably very hurtful.

And, to be honest, all that's going to change is her body. If she genuinely feels like a woman inside, you fell in love with someone who is psychologically and spiritually a woman. Just because you saw a man on the outside, doesn't mean the inside is any different. You need to realize that the "girl Jake" and the "guy Jake" are the same person.

She also probably offered to be friends because she didn't think you'd want to be with a woman. But if you are really, really in love with "Jake" do you think you could try staying with her even if she fully becomes who she is? Let her know how you feel, tell her you love her and you'll be supportive, if not, get out of her life. She needs support and she was clearly looking to you for it.
It's hard for some of us to realize what your boyfriend is going through, as most our genders tend to match with what genitals we were born with. Unfortunately, this isn't so for everyone. Gender is mental, but sex is physical, and for many others, these two things can be polar opposites from each other, making a painful, confusing existance. I've heard it said that it's like constantly waking to a body that isn't yours, and you are repulsed by the parts you have. It feels wrong. You feel trapped in something your brain doesn't agree with.

Gender is part of our very identity, and if your boyfriend is serious about how he feels, he likely has been struggling with this for a long time. It doesn't matter if he hasn't shown "symptoms" before, or traits leading to this confession, because there are many people who supress these thoughts and feelings for years.

As for being selfish? Of course you are, and you can't be blamed for it. You don't want him to change because you love him, and yes, it would likely destroy your partnership, if you can't be attracted to the female body. The problem comes when you try to keep him from what he wants. I think you really need to educate yourself about this subject because it's probably more than a passing fancy. It's probably more than just wanting to dress up like a girl.

Talk to your boyfriend. Express how you feel, honestly, but without accusation. Be considerate. Take how he feels seriously, and if you really do love him, be supportive, even if it means having to walk away from the relationship.
AnitaBohn21
Good for you that those who want to undergo sex changes need to go through intense psycho-evaluation. For the reasons your boyfriend stated, he won't ever be aloud to have a sex change operation, and I doubt they will let him take hormones either.

From what you are saying, he wants to be a girl simply because he wants to be female, not because he does feel as is he truly is female.

I wouldn't worry about it honestly, it sounds as if it is probably a passing fancy because he feels self-conscious about himself. He'll grow out of it as he grows into himself.

I agree. It honestly sounds as if he just wants to be a girl not because he feels that he IS one, but because he thinks that it would make himself more acceptable to others.

Truthfully, all the reaons you listed that he gave you, even hating his genitalia, are all pretty normal issues that you go through growing up, especially if you guys are still young. Puberty is uncomfortable, awkward, and downright sucky. I can't count all my friends who went through periods where they hated their girly/boy bits. After all, they do tend to be a bit more trouble when those hormones start kicking in.

I have some "boyish" tendencies, just as my boyfriend has some "girlish" tendencies. Honestly, personality traits know NO gender. You can be a completely femme male or a totally butch female and still be straight/feel that you are the sex you were born as.

To me, it sounds like he is trying to solve his self esteem problems by tring to be something he is not. He thinks that somehow, being a girl would make him like himself better.

Doctors are not going to let anyone who wants a sex change to do it just because their self esteem sucks, it is a law suit waiting to happen.

I suggest that you do some research into this area and share it with him, including the fact that he has to undergo psycho-evaluation first if he wants the surgery or hormones.

Wake him up to what he is saying with the facts.
tofubunny
AnitaBohn21
Good for you that those who want to undergo sex changes need to go through intense psycho-evaluation. For the reasons your boyfriend stated, he won't ever be aloud to have a sex change operation, and I doubt they will let him take hormones either.

From what you are saying, he wants to be a girl simply because he wants to be female, not because he does feel as is he truly is female.

I wouldn't worry about it honestly, it sounds as if it is probably a passing fancy because he feels self-conscious about himself. He'll grow out of it as he grows into himself.

I agree. It honestly sounds as if he just wants to be a girl not because he feels that he IS one, but because he thinks that it would make himself more acceptable to others.

Truthfully, all the reaons you listed that he gave you, even hating his genitalia, are all pretty normal issues that you go through growing up, especially if you guys are still young. Puberty is uncomfortable, awkward, and downright sucky. I can't count all my friends who went through periods where they hated their girly/boy bits. After all, they do tend to be a bit more trouble when those hormones start kicking in.

I have some "boyish" tendencies, just as my boyfriend has some "girlish" tendencies. Honestly, personality traits know NO gender. You can be a completely femme male or a totally butch female and still be straight/feel that you are the sex you were born as.

To me, it sounds like he is trying to solve his self esteem problems by tring to be something he is not. He thinks that somehow, being a girl would make him like himself better.

Doctors are not going to let anyone who wants a sex change to do it just because their self esteem sucks, it is a law suit waiting to happen.

I suggest that you do some research into this area and share it with him, including the fact that he has to undergo psycho-evaluation first if he wants the surgery or hormones.

Wake him up to what he is saying with the facts.


It likely could make him feel better, if being a guy is what's causing his self-esteem to suffer.

I mean, I have a lot of tom boy friends, and even I was at once, but having boyish traits as a female and even having a poor self-esteem isn't the same as saying, "I want to be the opposite gender." I mean, that sounds too heavy to be a phase.
BakaTulip
God, you are so insensitive. This is probably one of the hardest things in her life to tell you she was born into the wrong body. This is a real thing, this is being trans. If she honestly feels like she is a woman there is nothing wrong with that, and your selfish desires to hold her back is probably very hurtful.

And, to be honest, all that's going to change is her body. If she genuinely feels like a woman inside, you fell in love with someone who is psychologically and spiritually a woman. Just because you saw a man on the outside, doesn't mean the inside is any different. You need to realize that the "girl Jake" and the "guy Jake" are the same person.

She also probably offered to be friends because she didn't think you'd want to be with a woman. But if you are really, really in love with "Jake" do you think you could try staying with her even if she fully becomes who she is? Let her know how you feel, tell her you love her and you'll be supportive, if not, get out of her life. She needs support and she was clearly looking to you for it.


Dude, don't be such a b***h. I came here for help and you're just going to rip out my throat. I understand he's going through a hard time, but at the same time it's difficult for me to comprehend this. I'm in shock.
how old are you guys sweet heart? Are you in the States? You can pm me, if you wish. i will be off for a while but be back on later. I went through this (sorta - it was my brother wanting to change) - might be able to help a little. Hang in there and remember most of those here are under 16.
dia-chan
tofubunny
AnitaBohn21
Good for you that those who want to undergo sex changes need to go through intense psycho-evaluation. For the reasons your boyfriend stated, he won't ever be aloud to have a sex change operation, and I doubt they will let him take hormones either.

From what you are saying, he wants to be a girl simply because he wants to be female, not because he does feel as is he truly is female.

I wouldn't worry about it honestly, it sounds as if it is probably a passing fancy because he feels self-conscious about himself. He'll grow out of it as he grows into himself.

I agree. It honestly sounds as if he just wants to be a girl not because he feels that he IS one, but because he thinks that it would make himself more acceptable to others.

Truthfully, all the reaons you listed that he gave you, even hating his genitalia, are all pretty normal issues that you go through growing up, especially if you guys are still young. Puberty is uncomfortable, awkward, and downright sucky. I can't count all my friends who went through periods where they hated their girly/boy bits. After all, they do tend to be a bit more trouble when those hormones start kicking in.

I have some "boyish" tendencies, just as my boyfriend has some "girlish" tendencies. Honestly, personality traits know NO gender. You can be a completely femme male or a totally butch female and still be straight/feel that you are the sex you were born as.

To me, it sounds like he is trying to solve his self esteem problems by tring to be something he is not. He thinks that somehow, being a girl would make him like himself better.

Doctors are not going to let anyone who wants a sex change to do it just because their self esteem sucks, it is a law suit waiting to happen.

I suggest that you do some research into this area and share it with him, including the fact that he has to undergo psycho-evaluation first if he wants the surgery or hormones.

Wake him up to what he is saying with the facts.


It likely could make him feel better, if being a guy is what's causing his self-esteem to suffer.

I mean, I have a lot of tom boy friends, and even I was at once, but having boyish traits as a female and even having a poor self-esteem isn't the same as saying, "I want to be the opposite gender." I mean, that sounds too heavy to be a phase.


But there is a difference between wanting to be the opposite gender because you believe you were born female, which the OP has not said he has stated, and wanting to be female because you are self conscious, like everyone is, about certain traits.

I'm not a psychologist, so I can not say for sure, but wanting to change your gender goes MUCH deeper than just not feeling good about yourself. If everyone wanted to change something every time they did not feel good about themselves, then we'd all be walking silicone dolls.
AnitaBohn21
dia-chan
tofubunny
AnitaBohn21
Good for you that those who want to undergo sex changes need to go through intense psycho-evaluation. For the reasons your boyfriend stated, he won't ever be aloud to have a sex change operation, and I doubt they will let him take hormones either.

From what you are saying, he wants to be a girl simply because he wants to be female, not because he does feel as is he truly is female.

I wouldn't worry about it honestly, it sounds as if it is probably a passing fancy because he feels self-conscious about himself. He'll grow out of it as he grows into himself.

I agree. It honestly sounds as if he just wants to be a girl not because he feels that he IS one, but because he thinks that it would make himself more acceptable to others.

Truthfully, all the reaons you listed that he gave you, even hating his genitalia, are all pretty normal issues that you go through growing up, especially if you guys are still young. Puberty is uncomfortable, awkward, and downright sucky. I can't count all my friends who went through periods where they hated their girly/boy bits. After all, they do tend to be a bit more trouble when those hormones start kicking in.

I have some "boyish" tendencies, just as my boyfriend has some "girlish" tendencies. Honestly, personality traits know NO gender. You can be a completely femme male or a totally butch female and still be straight/feel that you are the sex you were born as.

To me, it sounds like he is trying to solve his self esteem problems by tring to be something he is not. He thinks that somehow, being a girl would make him like himself better.

Doctors are not going to let anyone who wants a sex change to do it just because their self esteem sucks, it is a law suit waiting to happen.

I suggest that you do some research into this area and share it with him, including the fact that he has to undergo psycho-evaluation first if he wants the surgery or hormones.

Wake him up to what he is saying with the facts.


It likely could make him feel better, if being a guy is what's causing his self-esteem to suffer.

I mean, I have a lot of tom boy friends, and even I was at once, but having boyish traits as a female and even having a poor self-esteem isn't the same as saying, "I want to be the opposite gender." I mean, that sounds too heavy to be a phase.


But there is a difference between wanting to be the opposite gender because you believe you were born female, which the OP has not said he has stated, and wanting to be female because you are self conscious, like everyone is, about certain traits.

I'm not a psychologist, so I can not say for sure, but wanting to change your gender goes MUCH deeper than just not feeling good about yourself. If everyone wanted to change something every time they did not feel good about themselves, then we'd all be walking silicone dolls.


Being self-conscious of the parts you were given and your appearance overall is something I often hear repeated by many who are transexual. They wanted to change because they felt painfully uncomfortable with the way they were. They felt that they should be the gender they were in their head. Just because her boyfriend didn't say, "I'm really a woman" doesn't mean he's just wanting to change because he's simply self-conscious. It could be that he doesn't know how to precisely explain what he's feeling.

I'm more inclined to believe he is a woman, gender-wise, because I am wary of not taking his statements seriously. I'm not qualified to diagnose the guy either, but I think the OP's best bet would be to talk again, in depth, with him, and if he's deadset on his feelings, research, and work on her acceptance, however hard it may be. Dismissing this or downplaying it's seriousness could be very damaging to him.

I mean, I don't know about everyone else, but it's not everyday a guy says, "Hey, babe, I'm sad about the way I look and feel, so I want a sex change, and we should be friends after, k?" unless there something deeper behind his reasoning.
It should be taken seriously, yes, I'm not denying that, and you are right, research into this and much talk between the OP and the boyfriend do need to happen.
I'm not trying to downplay it, just stating that from what I understand and have researched about the subject, there is a lot more involved in a sex change than just being self conscious. He may not know how to express his desire to change because he does indeed feel as if he is female, or he may just think that being a girl would be easier than being a guy, which is not a good enough reason for a change.

Until he tells his parents or until he has moved out and is supporting himself, surgery and hormone therapy are down the line, so he does have time to decide if this is something he truly wants/needs.

So, I wouldn't necessarily count your chickens before they hatch, OP. Take this seriously and talk it over with him, and help him do the research so he understands better everything involved.

If this is something he truly wants, then you need to talk over with him how the relationship will fare. He needs to do what he needs to do, and so do you, and there is nothing wrong with saying that you would not be able to continue a serious romantic relationship with him if he changes his gender. It's not being unsupported, or a b***h, it's having a different need and want from him, one that can't be overcome.
If he is trully trans then stopping her is the worst think you can do if this is just a passing fancy then please stop him. If she feels she is a girl inside then she needs suport with her disesion. However if this is just a pasing fancy for him then you need to stop him..

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games