Slowdown in relationship. Taken for granted?

[Edward Nibbles]

Hi there. I'd like some advice / possible perspectives on this problem if you have time. smile

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years now. We started dating in high school, I'm currently 22 and he's 21. We've been through a lot of tough stuff together, things that people our age shouldn't have to deal with, but we stuck together through it.

Even though he's a pretty nice person, I'm starting to get irritated with the blandness and lack of depth in our relationship. Like, after four years we're still really formal and apologize to eachother all the time about really stupid things. We've never once had a fight, and we've only had a couple of disagreements that we dropped immediately because it wasn't worth getting upset over.

Lately though, for the first time I'm feeling a frustration with our situation that I don't think I can keep quiet about. Even at the most "passionate" (I use that term lightly) time in our relationship, we had sex MAYBE twice a month, maximum. I think a big part of that was because I kept trying to hold out and wait for him to initiate sex, but it never worked and I ended up doing it because I missed being that close. Also, he isn't very affectionate with me - like hugs, kisses, etc. I tried to hug and kiss him at least a few times a day (after asking if he's okay with it) and every time I got such a strong feeling that he wasn't into it. I've brought this up twice now, and he says he's totally into me, he loves me and he thinks I'm "the sexiest woman ever," but there's such a lack of emotion or action behind it.

Ultimately, I'm getting this feeling that he can totally take me or leave me. It hurts really bad. sad I've tried telling him once that I feel like he doesn't find me sexy, that I need more attention. I've given him specific examples of things that would help, and I constantly am modeling behavior that I would like to see him do for me (planning dates, making dinner, initiating sex, asking him about his day and learning more about his interest so we can have conversations). I've tried several ways to shake up the routine, yet he still seems apathetic.

I feel like the next step is being a bit less nice about it, to be honest. Like, nice isn't the right word, I still want to be nice, but I really want to let him know I'm unhappy and that we should work on this together. I'm 22, and I may not be that pretty but I'm smart and ambitious, and I feel like there might be someone else who could show me a better time while I'm young. He's always been loyal and his family is wonderful, but it's not enough anymore.

I feel like I've run out of mature options. My mom told me the next time he texts, just tell him "I don't think we can hang out today because I often feel ignored when we do, and you seem to not really care whether I'm there or not." I don't want to say that because it seems bitchy and mean, but what will it take to get through to him?

Ugh. Please help sad

[SPAstronaut]

You should write him a letter. Letters are more powerful and get the point across a lot more. Plus, when he's reading and you're not there, he can't talk back and defend himself, all he can do is listen to what you have to say. And a letter also shows that you mean it, because you actually took the time to sit down, gather your thoughts and write it all down.

[SOB GOBLlN]

i agree, a letter sounds like a good idea
just be honest with him and tell him exactly what you told us

[Tsubahi]

Sounds like he's just going through the motions and not all that interested in you anymore. confused

Maybe you two should both move on so you can find a more interesting partner; no point in "forcing" him to be a great lover for you. sad

[AlluringLover]

Hun, typically you can't change a person- a man or woman. I went through a lull with my man when we moved in but that was natural and it was due to other stresses in our life. We had money worries and I was homesick. Things that are going on outside of the relationship are huge factors for emotions and passion.

However, it seems that you haven't done anything wrong! That is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! Realizing that you are AWESOME biggrin

I agree with what someone else here said.... If you aren't happy and he doesn't seem to be making an effort to satisfy your needs (hugs and kisses and cuddles are simple requests because lets face it relationships aren't all about sex) then you guys need to find someone else. You deserve to be happy and so does he to be honest.

I have been there before. I was with a man for 4 & a half years and I started dating him in highschool too. In the beginning it was puppy love and he was a wonderful boyfriend. However, that last year and a half went to the shitter. He had trust issues with me for some reason and his temper got really bad. Basically, I felt like a bad person and one day I realized I had done nothing wrong and I didn't deserve it. So, in the end I left him... right before christmas >< I just knew he wasn't the one. You have to understand that you are very young and you are still growing and so is he. You two are changing and maybe you two are going in two different paths? And that is okay!
... Okay I am done xD
PM me if you wanna talk more heart

[Whiskey Grey]

To play devil's advocate here, it seems to me he is the type of person who does not think about or need sex constantly. Similarly he does not seem the type for outward displays of affection.

This does not mean he does not care for you or that he does not mean what he says to you. It does not mean he doesn't want to have sex with you. He may very well just be naturally reserved when it comes to that sort of thing.

If you are wanting more intimacy and if it takes you initiating it then do that. Don't ask if it's ok, just hug him. Go for the kiss. You initiate the sex, even if it means you being a bit more forward or assertive in getting what you want. If he absolutely doesn't want it, he will let you know.

What you need to understand is that having less interest in sex and shows of affection is absolutely NOT an indication of a lack of interest in you (To be fair, this situation is usually reversed).

If sex and affection is something you absolutely need to reaffirm your confidence in your relationship and he isn't fulfilling that need, even when you're putting in the extra effort to initiate and make it happen, you either have to accept him for who he is or part ways.

What you absolutely NOT start doing is playing little games with him like your mum is suggesting. That will not end well for either of you.

[Edward Nibbles]

SPAstronaut

You should write him a letter. Letters are more powerful and get the point across a lot more. Plus, when he's reading and you're not there, he can't talk back and defend himself, all he can do is listen to what you have to say. And a letter also shows that you mean it, because you actually took the time to sit down, gather your thoughts and write it all down.

ouija bored

i agree, a letter sounds like a good idea
just be honest with him and tell him exactly what you told us

Oh, that's a good idea! Thank you!

[Edward Nibbles]

Cuppolove

Sounds like he's just going through the motions and not all that interested in you anymore. confused

Maybe you two should both move on so you can find a more interesting partner; no point in "forcing" him to be a great lover for you. sad

I've been thinking about that. sad For the first time in four years breaking up seems like a possibility.

crying

[Edward Nibbles]

Whiskey Grey

To play devil's advocate here, it seems to me he is the type of person who does not think about or need sex constantly. Similarly he does not seem the type for outward displays of affection.

This does not mean he does not care for you or that he does not mean what he says to you. It does not mean he doesn't want to have sex with you. He may very well just be naturally reserved when it comes to that sort of thing.

If you are wanting more intimacy and if it takes you initiating it then do that. Don't ask if it's ok, just hug him. Go for the kiss. You initiate the sex, even if it means you being a bit more forward or assertive in getting what you want. If he absolutely doesn't want it, he will let you know.

What you need to understand is that having less interest in sex and shows of affection is absolutely NOT an indication of a lack of interest in you (To be fair, this situation is usually reversed).

If sex and affection is something you absolutely need to reaffirm your confidence in your relationship and he isn't fulfilling that need, even when you're putting in the extra effort to initiate and make it happen, you either have to accept him for who he is or part ways.

What you absolutely NOT start doing is playing little games with him like your mum is suggesting. That will not end well for either of you.

You're right, he never was the type for lots of sex or outward affection. For the first year it just seemed like he was really shy, and it wasn't until recently that I started needing more attention anyway, so it worked out.

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that he likes me even when he doesn't show it. But I agree with those last parts. I don't want to try to change him as a person, and I don't want to play games, so it's take it or leave it.

This is so hard. crying If we break up, I'll lose the only support system I have, my best friend plus my his family, and there's also the painful process of moving our stuff out of eachother's places.

[legnanellaf5]

Honestly it isnt going to work out. At 4 years there is this point where like limerence fades (short term love) and like you are at the point. Saying you stuck through a lot doesnt mean a lot for your relationship either, at least not in the good sense. Dont fall into that trap.

So if you arent happy, you arent happy. You dont have a connection, not fighting at all is really not a good thing because that means you never really 'cared' enough to be angry. Idk if this is a both sides issue or more on him, but like if he doesnt care now he isnt going to care later. If he isnt willing to work on the connection then there isnt a relationship. You seem to be not compatible in basic ways like how you both feel about affection, and that isnt changeable.

[Edward Nibbles]

legnanellaf5

Honestly it isnt going to work out. At 4 years there is this point where like limerence fades (short term love) and like you are at the point. Saying you stuck through a lot doesnt mean a lot for your relationship either, at least not in the good sense. Dont fall into that trap.

So if you arent happy, you arent happy. You dont have a connection, not fighting at all is really not a good thing because that means you never really 'cared' enough to be angry. Idk if this is a both sides issue or more on him, but like if he doesnt care now he isnt going to care later. If he isnt willing to work on the connection then there isnt a relationship. You seem to be not compatible in basic ways like how you both feel about affection, and that isnt changeable.

Yeah, I knew not fighting wasn't really a good sign.... This isn't really anyone's fault, despite my complaints.

[xChibi Cannibalx]

It sounds like hes bored, to me. I agree you should write him a letter explaining your feelings, but i also think it would be a good idea if you two take a week or two apart, if you can. Have a set date in the letter that you two will resuming talking, and let him know clear rules what you expect during this short break (such as, no seeing other people). It will give you both time to figure out what you want in the relationship and to figure out if its worth going forward or not

[Ziporae]

To me, it seems as though it is a compatibility issue. You two seem to be on two different wavelengths, have different needs, and there is a sense of indifference from both sides here. Odd as it may seem, having a fight may have resolved some of these issues. How are these not addressed? Communication is the key here if there is one. I think I would recommend talking to him about these concerns. Whichever method you choose is cool, but personally I think letters are a wee bit formal (I bring this up because you mentioned how you did not like how formal your relationship is). Work on being more open about your feelings and being direct. If you want to break from how things are now in order to salvage this relationship you should start now.

[The Luminosity]

Edward Nibbles

Hi there. I'd like some advice / possible perspectives on this problem if you have time. smile

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years now. We started dating in high school, I'm currently 22 and he's 21. We've been through a lot of tough stuff together, things that people our age shouldn't have to deal with, but we stuck together through it.

Even though he's a pretty nice person, I'm starting to get irritated with the blandness and lack of depth in our relationship. Like, after four years we're still really formal and apologize to eachother all the time about really stupid things. We've never once had a fight, and we've only had a couple of disagreements that we dropped immediately because it wasn't worth getting upset over.

Lately though, for the first time I'm feeling a frustration with our situation that I don't think I can keep quiet about. Even at the most "passionate" (I use that term lightly) time in our relationship, we had sex MAYBE twice a month, maximum. I think a big part of that was because I kept trying to hold out and wait for him to initiate sex, but it never worked and I ended up doing it because I missed being that close. Also, he isn't very affectionate with me - like hugs, kisses, etc. I tried to hug and kiss him at least a few times a day (after asking if he's okay with it) and every time I got such a strong feeling that he wasn't into it. I've brought this up twice now, and he says he's totally into me, he loves me and he thinks I'm "the sexiest woman ever," but there's such a lack of emotion or action behind it.

Ultimately, I'm getting this feeling that he can totally take me or leave me. It hurts really bad. sad I've tried telling him once that I feel like he doesn't find me sexy, that I need more attention. I've given him specific examples of things that would help, and I constantly am modeling behavior that I would like to see him do for me (planning dates, making dinner, initiating sex, asking him about his day and learning more about his interest so we can have conversations). I've tried several ways to shake up the routine, yet he still seems apathetic.

I feel like the next step is being a bit less nice about it, to be honest. Like, nice isn't the right word, I still want to be nice, but I really want to let him know I'm unhappy and that we should work on this together. I'm 22, and I may not be that pretty but I'm smart and ambitious, and I feel like there might be someone else who could show me a better time while I'm young. He's always been loyal and his family is wonderful, but it's not enough anymore.

I feel like I've run out of mature options. My mom told me the next time he texts, just tell him "I don't think we can hang out today because I often feel ignored when we do, and you seem to not really care whether I'm there or not." I don't want to say that because it seems bitchy and mean, but what will it take to get through to him?

Ugh. Please help sad

Break up if you're not happy.

I could go the route some have taken and say your boyfriend is a boring piece of s**t who lost interest in you, but no. Honestly, it sounds like you've lost interest in him and blaming his lack of this and that for it. All these talks, hinting, asking for reassurance isn't going to make him change his behavior or who he is. Face it, the honeymoon phase is long over, he's not argumentative, and he probably has low libido; he may not be the perfect guy for you, but he might be perfect for another woman out there.

Let him go, and find yourself a man who will argue with you, plan all the dates you want, randomly ravish you at home, and make you "feel" like you're 22; but don't try to sit here and change this man into what you want, then ask a bunch of strangers for tips. It's a compatibility issues, stop being immature about it, and end this relationship.

[Foxydoe]

I don't think this relationship is rescue-able, honestly. If you need to do all the chasing/initiating, they really just don't give a ********. And it never gets any better.