Should I have a kid?

[shooshpaps]

I think you should wait. If you're only having small urges every now and then to have a child, I don't feel like it's a strong enough basis to make a lifetime commitment such as having a child. Wait until you're absolutely certain on more than just touching moments that you want a kid before deciding to try to have one.

[midnight_angel628]

27 dating 40 means daddy issues as a child. A 40 year old man with a 27 year old WIFE would be one thing, but as a girlfriend there's connection issues. He's divorced. His kids are a closer age to you than he is. How long have you been together? The self-proclamation of not being very motherly says that you've had this realization recently, mean this is just an idea rolling around in your mind but being 27 dating 40 also means that you've had quite a few partners so the idea is not new. The brief and vague inquiry of a life-changing event means you don't fully understand the impact of the decision you are about to make.

He had these kids when he was 22 so he could just be trying to take another crack at this whole "family" thing, which explains the preference for younger. That's all I got. I'd need more, and certainly you need to put more thought into it rather than being socially pressured by observational influence. I understand having an epiphany due to things you witness, but if the idea is spontaneous, then you should hold off and spend as much time as I do calculating all of the factors into the decision.

[PKMN Breeder Mandy]

x-X_Deus Ex_X-x

If you're questioning, definitely not. It's going to wake you up screaming at four in the morning without fail every night. It's going to cry for hours straight for absolutely no reason. It's going to s**t itself twelve times a day and you're going to have to clean it. It's going to demand every second of every day, it's going to demand every cent you earn, it's going to demand that you give up your social life, career, and sanity. Your body will never be the same, either. It's an impossible job with no reward. Some people get joy from being so selfless, but very few can and very few are prepared for just the staggering amount of insanity a child is. If you have to ask yourself questions about it, and especially if you have to ask strangers, no.

That's not always true. I don't have a baby of my own yet but I was living with my husband in his mother's house when she was pregnant with her youngest and I was there from day one. Since his mother started work pretty much immediately after giving birth I had the baby day in and day out. We even had all of her stuff in our room.

My little sister slept soundly every single night and I often got full night's rest (I am a light sleeper and even her whines would wake me up but even when she did whine she usually didn't wake up). She used to wake up and start to whine a little and squirm at around eight in the morning most mornings and would instantly calm down when I picked her up and put her in the bed with me.

I would change her diaper maybe a handful of times a day and as she got older I had to do it less and less. She didn't poop as often as you make it seem and even when she did it really wasn't that bad.

It won't demand every second of every second of every day. That is why you have baby sitters, day cares, and as they get older there is school. With OP having two step daughters that are 18 I am sure she will have no issues getting people to watch her kid. Therefore you can still have a social life, a career that you want, still go to school, and keep your sanity. If having a kid was so awful people wouldn't try to do it.

No a kid won't demand every cent you earn. When they're little and going through clothes like crazy you can get clothes, strollers, and toys very cheap through thrift stores and yard sales. Diapers are expensive but so is everything in life. A cheaper alternative is cloth diapers if it is really an issue. If you're talking about when they're older you can tell a kid no. You don't have to buy them everything. Can it be expensive? Yes. But it is worth it.

Your body decreases with age anyways. Your boobs will sag with age, everything starts to sag and skin begins to get all loose. A lot of woman get down to pre baby weight or look better than they ever had in years with exercise and diet.

It is a demanding job but is very very rewarding. You look down at that baby and realize that it is you. It is part of you. Having someone to depend on, someone to share things with, a tiny you. Every event in life, hearing them say they love you, having someone make you feel needed. It is an amazing feeling. My little sister isn't my child but now she is four and whenever she runs up to be and says "I love you Mandy" and kisses me, my heart melts. Her little giggle, watching her play, just the amazement of watching a tiny person develop into the person they become. It's amazing and nothing in the world is like it.

I'm not going to lie: some children are straight up crazy and rotten. Usually the parents are to blame for s**t upbringing. It's not a cakewalk and some kids aren't as good as my little sister was because of temperament. But having a kid isn't this nightmare you make it out to seem to be.


TO THE OP:

There is nothing like having a kid. It is an amazing journey and you change so much during it. Seeing a mother hold her child for the first time you can see the pure love and connection and emotion. It really is up to you and your boyfriend. It's based on what you want, what he wants, and where you guys see yourselves in the future.

If your relationship isn't serious right now I will tell you that having a baby will not make it so. Don't have one when you're not confident with it because if the stress makes it worse or if it's bad now it will not make it better or keep him around. If he leaves you it will be a big mess once you have kid, a bigger one than if you didn't.

Do you feel you can handle a pregnancy? It isn't for everyone. If you are happy with your step daughters and your dog and feel that is enough, than maybe now isn't a good time and that's okay.

You never know how you'll feel in the future. You may have more money , time , and patience in the future and you may have a strong desire. My mother in law had a baby at 40. My mom had me at 40. A lot of people don't get married until early to mid thirties so don't feel like you don't have time. You have plenty of time.

Sit down with your husband and talk about what he wants. He has been through raising children and can tell you what it is like. You can figure out if it fits in your budget and life right now. Don't let anyone (especially on the internet) make big life choices for you.

[PKMN Breeder Mandy]

midnight_angel628

27 dating 40 means daddy issues as a child. A 40 year old man with a 27 year old WIFE would be one thing, but as a girlfriend there's connection issues. He's divorced. His kids are a closer age to you than he is. How long have you been together? The self-proclamation of not being very motherly says that you've had this realization recently, mean this is just an idea rolling around in your mind but being 27 dating 40 also means that you've had quite a few partners so the idea is not new. The brief and vague inquiry of a life-changing event means you don't fully understand the impact of the decision you are about to make.

He had these kids when he was 22 so he could just be trying to take another crack at this whole "family" thing, which explains the preference for younger. That's all I got. I'd need more, and certainly you need to put more thought into it rather than being socially pressured by observational influence. I understand having an epiphany due to things you witness, but if the idea is spontaneous, then you should hold off and spend as much time as I do calculating all of the factors into the decision.

Oh my gosh. No.

What is wrong with your post:

1. How would having a wife with that age gap (which is very common by the way) be any different than having a girlfriend? No. It's not. Marriage is not the be all end all and it's not for everyone and you certainly don't need it to have a committed relationship. Wtf do you mean connection issues? You don't even know how long they have been dating. She never said they'll never get married. That's not what that means at all.

2. 27 with a 40 year old does not mean daddy issues. People get with people for different reasons. You don't know how they met. You don't know their story at all. They may just have a lot in common or met through work or a friend and hit it off. Even with a big age gap it doesn't necessarily mean they don't have a lot in common. Many younger women are attracted to men much older than them because often they are more sensible and mature, and have developed social skills that make them good at attracting women in general. That is super offensive to say she has daddy issues.

3. 40 - 27 = 13. 27- 18 = 9. His kids are not that much closer in age really. If she were old enough to be his kid that would mean he would have had her when he was 13. She is not young enough to be one of his kids. And even so, that doesn't mean she has anything in common with his kids.

4. He;s divorced. So what? This has nothing to do with anything. Perhaps his wife and he went through some s**t. Perhaps he changed or she changed or they aren't compatible anymore. This doesn't mean anything negative about him or her. Relationships end all the time. Someone can divorce and get remarried. Doesn't make him less of a man or their relationship doomed.

5. "27 dating 40 also means that you've had quite a few partners so the idea is not new. " WHAT!? Just...WHAT. How the ******** does that mean that at all? I was a virgin when I met my husband (who is two years younger than me by the way) and we got serious when I was 21. He might be her first serious relationship. You don't have enough information on her relationship to infer this and it's really really offensive. You are basically inferring she has been around. Even if she did have a few partners in the past that doesn't mean she's thought about having a baby before.

6. He had these kids when he was 22 so he could just be trying to take another crack at this whole "family" thing, which explains the preference for younger. <--- Uh...No. It doesn't necessarily mean that at all. He may want kids with her because he loves her and wants offspring with her. Shocking, isn't it? Simple. I want kids with my husband because I want something that I love with all my heart that he loves with all his heart that connects us and is part of us. There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn't explain why he likes younger women. You make him sound like a *****. And he may like her for her, not her age. Again, shocking. She never said he was pressuring her to have a kid by the way.


For the love of God I hope she doesn't calculate things like you do.

[PKMN Breeder Mandy]

midnight_angel628

And I hope she doesn't take advice from you. You sound like the kind of woman who perceives men to be nothing more then sperm donors for what are ultimately nothing more than tools to get babies from. You definitely sound like the kind that would use men for a baby, and then regardless of the man you did it with, consider that child a "miracle" or some crap because nothing else matters in this world except how YOU feel about having a kid, with no regard to the foundation for that child to enter this world with a functioning family or mature parent(s) to appropriately guide them. What calculations would you prefer? Because if the only one you're taking into account is her spontaneous choice, then that sounds pretty shallow and selfish. Why else would you make her situation all about you? We're not talking about you, so why would you mention you and your husband?

Take a break from shooting people down and actually offer some real advice. The only thing you said to prove me wrong was "na-ah!".

I don't want to fight over the internet in someone else's thread, but I will say this.

How do I sound like a woman who believes men are sperm donors? I am literally laughing my a** off and am not quite sure if you are a troll or not. I have been with one man, my husband, and we have been together for four years. I am with him because I love him and we have everything in common, not just to have a baby. He is my other half, not a sperm donor. I mean, really, what the hell. Did you even read why I want to have a kid? As someone who is legitimately struggling to get pregnant and who constantly miscarries, again, what you say is extremely offensive and not at all helpful.

How a kid feels and what a kid needs is important but as their parent who has to be the one to raise them your feelings have to be important too. That's why I told her she needs to be the one to choose if she is ready to have a kid or not so that she doesn't struggle, so her baby doesn't suffer, and so she knows she can handle it.

I did offer real advice. I didn't give her advice on the post I made you, I made my own post to her.

How the hell did I make it all about me at all in there? Did you skim my post? I was giving an example, which is how people give good advice (with facts, proof, examples, and similar life experiences) I mentioned him and I based on your observation of her age. As I said I used myself as an example to prove that your statement wasn't 100% true. I was in my 20's when I got with my husband and have had no one since and had no one before. To say since she's 27 she must have had a ton of guys and thought about babies in the past is ignorant because there are plenty of people who get with someone and stay with them or never get serious until they are older.

The TLDR; of what I told you was that you don't have enough information about OP to make the claims that you made and that if I were OP I'd be offended by them.

[spacekitten]

PKMN Breeder Mandy

x-X_Deus Ex_X-x

If you're questioning, definitely not. It's going to wake you up screaming at four in the morning without fail every night. It's going to cry for hours straight for absolutely no reason. It's going to s**t itself twelve times a day and you're going to have to clean it. It's going to demand every second of every day, it's going to demand every cent you earn, it's going to demand that you give up your social life, career, and sanity. Your body will never be the same, either. It's an impossible job with no reward. Some people get joy from being so selfless, but very few can and very few are prepared for just the staggering amount of insanity a child is. If you have to ask yourself questions about it, and especially if you have to ask strangers, no.

That's not always true. I don't have a baby of my own yet but I was living with my husband in his mother's house when she was pregnant with her youngest and I was there from day one. Since his mother started work pretty much immediately after giving birth I had the baby day in and day out. We even had all of her stuff in our room.

My little sister slept soundly every single night and I often got full night's rest (I am a light sleeper and even her whines would wake me up but even when she did whine she usually didn't wake up). She used to wake up and start to whine a little and squirm at around eight in the morning most mornings and would instantly calm down when I picked her up and put her in the bed with me.

I would change her diaper maybe a handful of times a day and as she got older I had to do it less and less. She didn't poop as often as you make it seem and even when she did it really wasn't that bad.

It won't demand every second of every second of every day. That is why you have baby sitters, day cares, and as they get older there is school. With OP having two step daughters that are 18 I am sure she will have no issues getting people to watch her kid. Therefore you can still have a social life, a career that you want, still go to school, and keep your sanity. If having a kid was so awful people wouldn't try to do it.

No a kid won't demand every cent you earn. When they're little and going through clothes like crazy you can get clothes, strollers, and toys very cheap through thrift stores and yard sales. Diapers are expensive but so is everything in life. A cheaper alternative is cloth diapers if it is really an issue. If you're talking about when they're older you can tell a kid no. You don't have to buy them everything. Can it be expensive? Yes. But it is worth it.

Your body decreases with age anyways. Your boobs will sag with age, everything starts to sag and skin begins to get all loose. A lot of woman get down to pre baby weight or look better than they ever had in years with exercise and diet.

It is a demanding job but is very very rewarding. You look down at that baby and realize that it is you. It is part of you. Having someone to depend on, someone to share things with, a tiny you. Every event in life, hearing them say they love you, having someone make you feel needed. It is an amazing feeling. My little sister isn't my child but now she is four and whenever she runs up to be and says "I love you Mandy" and kisses me, my heart melts. Her little giggle, watching her play, just the amazement of watching a tiny person develop into the person they become. It's amazing and nothing in the world is like it.

I'm not going to lie: some children are straight up crazy and rotten. Usually the parents are to blame for s**t upbringing. It's not a cakewalk and some kids aren't as good as my little sister was because of temperament. But having a kid isn't this nightmare you make it out to seem to be.


TO THE OP:

There is nothing like having a kid. It is an amazing journey and you change so much during it. Seeing a mother hold her child for the first time you can see the pure love and connection and emotion. It really is up to you and your boyfriend. It's based on what you want, what he wants, and where you guys see yourselves in the future.

If your relationship isn't serious right now I will tell you that having a baby will not make it so. Don't have one when you're not confident with it because if the stress makes it worse or if it's bad now it will not make it better or keep him around. If he leaves you it will be a big mess once you have kid, a bigger one than if you didn't.

Do you feel you can handle a pregnancy? It isn't for everyone. If you are happy with your step daughters and your dog and feel that is enough, than maybe now isn't a good time and that's okay.

You never know how you'll feel in the future. You may have more money , time , and patience in the future and you may have a strong desire. My mother in law had a baby at 40. My mom had me at 40. A lot of people don't get married until early to mid thirties so don't feel like you don't have time. You have plenty of time.

Sit down with your husband and talk about what he wants. He has been through raising children and can tell you what it is like. You can figure out if it fits in your budget and life right now. Don't let anyone (especially on the internet) make big life choices for you.

And I'm sure you realize that all babies are different. Some sleep through the night no problem, some are up every 2 hours, some just plain won't sleep unless they're in a car or swing or something.

A friend of mine has a 3 year old and a 17 month old. She's STILL not getting a full night's rest, because the younger one is a night owl who keeps getting up at night, and the older wakes up at 5 without fail.

[PKMN Breeder Mandy]

spacekitten

And I'm sure you realize that all babies are different. Some sleep through the night no problem, some are up every 2 hours, some just plain won't sleep unless they're in a car or swing or something.

A friend of mine has a 3 year old and a 17 month old. She's STILL not getting a full night's rest, because the younger one is a night owl who keeps getting up at night, and the older wakes up at 5 without fail.

This is true. All babies are different. When you're ready to become a parent you do have to be ready and prepared to deal with all situations. There will be bad days. There will be scary days. There will be days your child is sick and throwing up all over the place or comes home crying. You have to be emotionally ready for it all and prepared.

However, you can't make it a broad statement that all of parenting is hell, because it can really be very very rewarding and every situation is different. It all comes down to how you deal with things as a parent, the way you handle things, if you have the support you need, and if you know what you are doing. It can be very stressful or go very smoothly.

Choosing to have a kid shouldn't come down if it's hard or not (because most things in life that are worth it are hard) but rather or not she is ready. Nobody can say what her baby will be like. Nobody can say if she'll be a natural or not and nobody can say if it will be worth it or not. It's all up to her and her man.

[midnight_angel628]

PKMN Breeder Mandy

midnight_angel628

And I hope she doesn't take advice from you. You sound like the kind of woman who perceives men to be nothing more then sperm donors for what are ultimately nothing more than tools to get babies from. You definitely sound like the kind that would use men for a baby, and then regardless of the man you did it with, consider that child a "miracle" or some crap because nothing else matters in this world except how YOU feel about having a kid, with no regard to the foundation for that child to enter this world with a functioning family or mature parent(s) to appropriately guide them. What calculations would you prefer? Because if the only one you're taking into account is her spontaneous choice, then that sounds pretty shallow and selfish. Why else would you make her situation all about you? We're not talking about you, so why would you mention you and your husband?

Take a break from shooting people down and actually offer some real advice. The only thing you said to prove me wrong was "na-ah!".

I don't want to fight over the internet in someone else's thread, but I will say this.

How do I sound like a woman who believes men are sperm donors? I am literally laughing my a** off and am not quite sure if you are a troll or not. I have been with one man, my husband, and we have been together for four years. I am with him because I love him and we have everything in common, not just to have a baby. He is my other half, not a sperm donor. I mean, really, what the hell. Did you even read why I want to have a kid? As someone who is legitimately struggling to get pregnant and who constantly miscarries, again, what you say is extremely offensive and not at all helpful.

How a kid feels and what a kid needs is important but as their parent who has to be the one to raise them your feelings have to be important too. That's why I told her she needs to be the one to choose if she is ready to have a kid or not so that she doesn't struggle, so her baby doesn't suffer, and so she knows she can handle it.

I did offer real advice. I didn't give her advice on the post I made you, I made my own post to her.

How the hell did I make it all about me at all in there? Did you skim my post? I was giving an example, which is how people give good advice (with facts, proof, examples, and similar life experiences) I mentioned him and I based on your observation of her age. As I said I used myself as an example to prove that your statement wasn't 100% true. I was in my 20's when I got with my husband and have had no one since and had no one before. To say since she's 27 she must have had a ton of guys and thought about babies in the past is ignorant because there are plenty of people who get with someone and stay with them or never get serious until they are older.

The TLDR; of what I told you was that you don't have enough information about OP to make the claims that you made and that if I were OP I'd be offended by them.

I believe you contributed the generic "talk to him" blabber that you could copy+paste into all of the Life Issues here. Nobody without damage or dysfunction dates a 13-year gap. Usually when men and women date with such a gap, it's because they prefer that age difference, which means that age is not just a number here, but actually a fetish. You're also missing the bigger picture here, she's asking Gaia.

[PKMN Breeder Mandy]

midnight_angel628

I believe you contributed the generic "talk to him" blabber that you could copy+paste into all of the Life Issues here. Nobody without damage or dysfunction dates a 13-year gap. Usually when men and women date with such a gap, it's because they prefer that age difference, which means that age is not just a number here, but actually a fetish. You're also missing the bigger picture here, she's asking Gaia.

We don't agree, and that's okay. We don't have to and it doesn't matter. It's good for OP to get many people's views and see all sides of it. However you were very disrespectful and offensive to her without proof or reason and that's not okay.

Talking to him is important. Having a baby with someone impacts him just as much as it does her. It needs to be his decision too, not just hers. He gave her the ok to have a baby if she wants to, but it's something that really impacts their lives in a big way so it needs to be talked about in detail.

Talking to who you have a problem with is 99% of the time the best solution which is why people always give that advice. It's simple, but communication really is the best thing in almost every problem.

A lot of people d on't see age. You don't know enough about OP's situation to know if that is why they are together or not and it is disrespectful to tell someone they are dysfunctional based on a decision they made that doesn't involve you and that you don't have any idea about. Also, there is nothing wrong with someone preferring a certain legal age. The're both consenting adults.

[midnight_angel628]

PKMN Breeder Mandy

midnight_angel628

I believe you contributed the generic "talk to him" blabber that you could copy+paste into all of the Life Issues here. Nobody without damage or dysfunction dates a 13-year gap. Usually when men and women date with such a gap, it's because they prefer that age difference, which means that age is not just a number here, but actually a fetish. You're also missing the bigger picture here, she's asking Gaia.

We don't agree, and that's okay. We don't have to and it doesn't matter. It's good for OP to get many people's views and see all sides of it. However you were very disrespectful and offensive to her without proof or reason and that's not okay.

Talking to him is important. Having a baby with someone impacts him just as much as it does her. It needs to be his decision too, not just hers. He gave her the ok to have a baby if she wants to, but it's something that really impacts their lives in a big way so it needs to be talked about in detail.

Talking to who you have a problem with is 99% of the time the best solution which is why people always give that advice. It's simple, but communication really is the best thing in almost every problem.

A lot of people d on't see age. You don't know enough about OP's situation to know if that is why they are together or not and it is disrespectful to tell someone they are dysfunctional based on a decision they made that doesn't involve you and that you don't have any idea about. Also, there is nothing wrong with someone preferring a certain legal age. The're both consenting adults.

Yeah but I was expecting a little more than a one-liner detailing the man's response. Sounds like he said "yeah sure". And how did I know you'd tackle my "usually" statements? You want to believe everyone is special, I get that. Everyone thinks they're the minority. Give her the benefit of the doubt because you're biased, you opened up with a statement of advertisement regarding the "world" of having kids. Open the golden gates for her why dontcha. Talking to people only works when you what to say. She needs to open up to him, express every single emotion she's going through right now, every single comparison of the pros/cons, every worried thought about "regretting it in the future" like she said... and he'll say he's okay with it of course but if that's all he says... holy s**t find another man to do it with because he doesn't give a ********! I'm not biased here, I normally encourage healthy families because I'm a college intern at social services but I'd hate to be knocking on another single mom's door because she made a stupid decision that she wasn't entirely sure about.

[slater567]

if you're able to support a child, care for him, clothe him and feed him, give him love, teach him right from wrong, then by all means, have a kid. if not, then don't.

[Wee Little]

Sometimes people say there never really is a right time to have a kid, so just... when it happens it happens. And some people never really know how much they can love and want a child until a pregnancy happens or they actually have the baby in their arms.

[LORD ZATAN]

For many reasons, don't. A dog is like cake walk. Feed it, give it water, let it out to pee etc. A kid, feed it, change diaper, burp it, wash it, wake up many times when it cries, watch it almost 24/7 because you can't just leave the baby with a baby sitter, there's a reason people have nanny cams and I would never trust my baby ( IF i ever have one ) With my parents and NO ONE else. Change it's clothes, etc. A kid is a 24/7 job. If you can't handle a dog, do not have a kid. They're adorable, but the biggest responsibility anyone can have.

[thatonechick101]

You might, you might not. What about getting married to this man first though?