Relationship Advice: Trust Jealousy Privacy Personal Space ?

[~J~N~F~]

I need some advice regarding my boyfriend. We have been together over 4 years and I need some outside opinions. (I am sorry that this is so long... please read it and tell me what you think I should do)

Because he has been cheated on in past relationships he has been very over protective of me (my opinion). To put him at ease I never had a problem with letting him read my texts and emails and he always had the passwords to my social networking sites. Also, when he would ask, I would let him know if anyone flirted with me or talked to me (in class… or any time I was out of the apartment without him). Although, he has recently said that he really isn’t that paranoid and he was just joking about how upset other guys talking to me made him. In my defense, I have lost several guy friends of mine because he didn’t like them or he didn’t trust them. He uses the line “I trust you but I don’t trust other guys”. I try to explain that if he trusts me so much, then he should trust in my ability to judge someone’s intentions. I should also note that this is our only real problem. We love each other more than anything and have only been in one big fight before this…

My situation… is that a few weeks ago a new guy friend of mine accidentally drunk texted me instead of his wife “I’m a little drunk, I really want you right now”. The message came unexpected while I was sleeping and my boyfriend read it. He assumed that I have been exchanging sexual messages with my friend and has been very suspicious of me sense that night. I have tried over and over to reassure him that I have not been unfaithful. However, he keeps finding things that he considers suspicious. Because of this I have stopped letting him go through my phone and I changed all of my passwords. He thinks this means that I have something to hide… but I just don’t think I can trust him not to look for things that aren’t there.

Here is my question… I think that my texts/messages/passwords should be private for now on so that he does not get weird every time someone sends me something that can be taken the wrong way (out of context). He thinks that the only way I can prove I am trustworthy and not hiding anything is to give him all of my passwords again. What should I do…?

There are a lot more details to the story but I don’t have time to explain it right now. I will add to this post as soon as I have more time.

Continued...
I will admit that I have told him some white lies in the past to keep from upsetting him. He would never yell at me or hurt me but if something puts him in a bad mood it will ruin the whole day before he gets over it. The lies were usually… just not telling him that someone flirted with me. I feel okay with this because I always make sure people know that I am in a relationship so that kind of talk is inappropriate and telling him would just upset him.

He has a problem with me hanging out with any guy who is attracted to me… but he thinks that any guy who says that they aren’t attracted to me are lying. It has gotten to where the only people I hang out with are his friends and coworkers. I don’t have any coworkers because I am a self employed maid and I haven’t been able to find any reliable employees. I have been propositioned by male clients at work… Usually offering me lots of money to let them watch me clean naked, for nude pics or to clean in a skanky french maid uniform.(I have ALWAYS turned them down). I have only gone out without him a handful of times in the past 4 years… and only to girl’s nights, baby showers ect.

He does not have his own facebook… so his reasoning for needing my password isn’t that he wants to read my messages, but that he likes to go on and check up on his old friends with my account because he doesn’t want to make his own account. BTW, he also has the passwords to my online banking, paypal, ebay, and every other site I am subscribed to. I am asking for advice here because it is one of the few places he doesn’t look. However, fairly often I notice that he ‘accidentally’ opens my inbox/messages. He also says that if I have something to hide I am probably smart enough to just delete it before he sees it anyways.

As far as me seeming suspicious… Here are some of his observations. On occasion when I receive a text message I will delete it before he gets to see it. (Any time I get a message/text he wants to know who it is, he WLL keep asking until I tell him). I picked him up from work yesterday, (I drive him to and from work because he doesn’t have a car or license right now because he has a phobia of driving) he claimed that the car seat was in a different position than he ALWAYS leaves it and asked me who else was sitting in my car. He is the only person who has been in my car other than me for at least two weeks. He found a shirt that wasn’t his in our apartment. I have no idea on this one… He went out for a run one day and when he got back our door was locked. He thought this had to mean that someone else was in our apartment with me… really… he is the one who taught me to lock the door when I am home alone so that someone doesn’t break in and ‘take advantage of me’. Sometimes it takes me 10-15 minutes more than it should to drive from our apartment to his job to pick him up from work. This is because I am usually working on something (like homework) when he calls me and I want to finish what I am working on before I leave. I could go on and on… He also checked my browsing history ‘to try to find a page he was looking at the night before’ and confronted me about looking at a guy’s (the same guy who drunk texted me) profile more than anyone else’s. This is because he is one of the few people who likes and comments on my page so I do the same for him.

No matter what I do or say he can't get rid of 'this weird feeling' that something is going on. He is also upset that 'I'm trying to turn this around on him to make him look like the bad guy"...

I don't want to make him sound like an bad guy... he treats me wonderful... always surprising me with flowers, presents and sweet letters. I make more money than he does but that is not a problem for me. I am his world and he is mine. I think it would be very difficult for either of us to find someone as or more comparable. I will admit that this causing me to not have any real friends has made me feel really lonely.

[Spotofhonesty]

The dude seriously sounds possessive and like he's going to the point of "stalkerish". People are allowed a level of privacy, and seriously he sounds like he actually DOES NOT trust you at all and nor has he ever,but he uses that excuse "I trust you, its other guys I don't trust" as a placation to keep you from getting pissed off.

[Anasui]

ỳoύя jύsτ αs soƒτ αs α ℓíoи ταмe∂
ỳoύя jύsτ αs ωєτ αs τhє єvєиíиg яαíи
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I think you should dump the guy. If you have not done anything to make him even think that you may have been cheating on him, then you really need to leave him.

I can understand being cheated on because it has happened to me a lot of times. And I can tell you, it is not fun. It really sucks. But I do not demand having passwords to my partner's accounts just to make sure that they are staying faithful to me. They need their space, just like I need mine. And so long as they can restrain themselves and control themselves from doing s**t like that, then I can live with it.

When I'm on a relationship, I don't get pissed off every time the guy hugs an other girl or kisses her on the cheek (especially because of us being in a Spanish country where males greet women with a kiss on the cheek and a hug and girls do the same with women). That doesn't mean that they are going to go and ******** them. Just like how it doesn't mean I'm going to go and ******** an other person.

If your boyfriend cannot let go of his paranoia, it's going to ruin both of your relationship.

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ỳoύя ℓovє ís ∂яívíиg мє…
ỳoύя ∂яívíиg мє íиsαиє

[0x-Yuna-x0]

Your boyfriend doesn't sound "paranoid", he sounds like an overbearing a*****e...
No offense.

I was in an abusive relationship for two years. My ex did that s**t to me all the time. I got yelled at, or just in trouble in general, if I so much as talked to a male. I wasn't allowed to text, speak, or even look at other males; his insecurities got so bad.

It doesn't matter if he was cheated on before, he shouldn't be controlling your social life. Giving up friends solely because they are the opposite sex is ridiculous! No partner should put you in that kind of position.

You have the right to your privacy. If he can't trust you, and he's accusing you of things, maybe you need to find a better boyfriend.

You can have a good relationship if you don't have trust, and if he can't give you that, especially when you do nothing wrong, he obviously has issues he needs to work out.

You could suggest a deal with him.. If he has fair access to all of your social networking passwords, then you get the same access to his. Fair trade. And if he doesn't like it (which he probably won't), he'll either have something to hide, or get mad at you for not trusting him.

My suggestions are obviously based off my own bias, but i've seen and experienced bad relationships. They all have the same patterns.
I'm not saying you have a bad relationship, but he could definitely do some improving...

Maybe sit down and talk to him? It shouldn't matter if he doesn't trust other guys. He should know the other guys don't matter. If he trusts you, you should have the right to your own privacy. I think that's more than fair.

[Bitter Symphony]

Someone has very bad trust issues. Sorry but he really doesn't trust you if he acts like that. Take it from someone who use to be just like him.

He doesn't trust you period. He is possessive to the point were he is getting stalkerish and if not careful, it can escalate to other things. From what you say he also doesn't have the greatest self esteem either. The problem is, he doesn't really trust himself so is easier not to trust the person you are with and accuse them of the things that they have done, what's to stop the person they are with not doing it.

Talk to him, get to the bottom of it. If nothing can be done, it will be hard to do but it will be better to get out of the relationship because sadly, it will get toxic if he doesn't change and you're the one that's going to end up damage, not him.

[tiramiiisu]

If he's that insecure and paranoid then leave him.
I had a boyfriend like that. Because of him and his jealousy, paranoia, and insecurities, things got too hetic, I couldnt deal with it, so I left. I suggest you do the same.

[i are plushie]

Relationships are absolutely nothing without trust and your boyfriend has made it clear that he does not trust you. As much as he says he does, and it's other men he doesn't trust, that is simply not the case. A man can trust his woman (and I use that term instead of specifying girlfriend, fiance, or wife) and not trust other men, but it's that trust in her that allows that privacy. He trusts her to turn down advances, to say whoa buddy, that's not cool, I'm taken, and to remain faithful to him. Vice versa, as well, since trust is a two-way street. The fact that your boyfriend does not permit such privacy is a clear indication that he does not trust you, regardless of what he says. It's understandable to be weary because of past relationships; being cheated on sucks, majorly; however, your relationship will not survive unless he learns how to re-build his trust. Personally, I would think after 4 years together, with no indiscretions, and you putting up with this uncalled for privacy invasion, that he would trust you. The fact that he doesn't, even now, even after all this, puts up several red flags for me and casts a very large gray cloud over your future.

Do not give him your passwords. Instead, give him the chance to prove to you that he trusts you. If he can't, and won't, then I recommend seriously re-evaluating your relationship. It may be fantastic in all other areas, but you cannot maintain a solid, healthy relationship void of trust.

[angel_259236102]

He doesnt trust you. Really he is hiding behind saying it is a joke. You should never have to not be friends with someone JUST because your boyfriend has his own issues. Reality is that if he turely trusted you he would be able to trust your judgement and your ability to handle situations. If he trusted you, he would know that even if he personally doesnt like the guy, taht you have your reasons and that if he even tried to do something taht was out of line that you would set the guy straight.

Well on its onw, getting that text message is sketchy. THen of course he reads it when even though you are okay wiht it..it isnt his place. Then he assumes too much over 1 text, even though he i guess look more and see tha toyu havent because well that was jsut him drunk texting you not a common thing.

Being cheated on isnt an excuse to make you have to watch who you hang out with and watch how you say things so they are not misunderstood in a way. really he is LOOKING for you to mess up. And you will eventually say something that he can twist in a way that he wants and he will get on you for it. THen you have to reassure him again and again...again.

You shoudlnt BE in a relationshiop where you have to give your passowrds to your guy, and it isnt a good realtionship where he needs to because he wants to track your every move. It is controlling and abusive and oyu shoudl nt be dealing with that crap.

[ashangel299]

You are not in a healthy relationship. It really seems like he doesn't trust you. Because let's say what he says is right: that he does trust you but doesn't trust the guys that you spent time with. If that's the case he wouldn't be checking your personal stuff such as your phone, e-mail, accs, etc., because he would know that if a guy were to make a move on you, you would be faithful enough to not tolerate something like that.

He shouldn't be relating his previous relationships to his current one. He should understand that you are NOT his ex, and that everyone treats relationships differently.

Oh, and there are plenty of times when the person who keeps getting checked on by his/her boyfriend or girlfriend finds out that they have been cheated on this whole time. I guess it has to do with, "I'll cheat on you but I'll make sure you won't cheat on me." Not saying that he is cheating on you, but it's possible.

One would think that after four years of being together, he would trust you by now. But he doesn't. Actually, he shouldn't be going out with you in the first place. If I was in this situation I would have asked myself, "Why did we get together even though he doesn't trust me?" You should def talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. Don't be afraid to give him a dilemma: Either learn how to trust me or leave the relationship.

[klebold2]

You're right, you should be able to do whatever the ******** you want whenever you want, without your boyfriend giving a s**t about anything that has to do with you, is that the relationship you prefer? Are you sick of him caring in certain places? It's your fault for having friends like that and he's got every right to wonder if something's going on.

You're avoiding an honest relationship, because you have secrets, and you probably lie to him on occasion, and I mean white lies, not the silly kidding lies.

[~J~N~F~]

I want to thank all of you for responding! I just updated my post with more information. Breaking up is not an option. I am trying to figure out how to fix this problem not loose everything I have over it.

[~J~N~F~]

klebold

You're right, you should be able to do whatever the ******** you want whenever you want, without your boyfriend giving a s**t about anything that has to do with you, is that the relationship you prefer? Are you sick of him caring in certain places? It's your fault for having friends like that and he's got every right to wonder if something's going on.

You're avoiding an honest relationship, because you have secrets, and you probably lie to him on occasion, and I mean white lies, not the silly kidding lies.

I shouldn't get to do 'whatever the ********' I want because when you are in a relationship there ARE certain rules you have to follow. I just think I should be allowed at least some of the privacy and freedom that I see other women in relationships getting.

[Muleo is Romeo]

~J~N~F~

I want to thank all of you for responding! I just updated my post with more information. Breaking up is not an option. I am trying to figure out how to fix this problem not loose everything I have over it.

He's being controlling, possessive, and manipulative. He's guilt-tripping you into losing your friends and other people in your life. He's needs to ******** get over himself about the past because he's indirectly comparing you to his exes. I find that insulting.

You either need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him about it. It isn't fair for him to do that to you when I doubt you do the same thing to him. I'd be pissed if a guy ever told me who I can't and can see.

Yea, there's always some a*****e who would try to desrespect you/ hit on you. But really, it's HOW you deal with it that matters.

[xXFurygeistXx]

He is exerting way too much control on you and your social interactions. He doesn't trust you and you haven't given him a reason not to, which is disturbing. You are allowed your privacy, even from someone you are in a relationship with. He's not respecting your boundaries by having your passwords and constantly checking up on your texts. He's not respecting you when he's constantly looking for you to be cheating when you aren't that kind of person. He's not respecting you and your choices when he drives away your friends and puts everything you do around other males under a microscope. If there are two things a good, HEALTHY relationship need, it's trust and respect. He gets it from you, but you aren't getting it from him. You can sit him down and talk with him about it, but I don't think he's gonna change. This may be a relationship that you have to walk away from. You deserve your space and freedom to be friends with whomever you like. You aren't gonna get that with this guy and if you continue to try to satisfy only his needs in these matters, he's just gonna walk all over you.