Really?

[GoddessofAir23]

Let me start of by saying that I know my parents aren't the happiest couple nor are we the happiest family on the face of the earth, but we try to the very most even if there is a problem. Now, my father is hardheaded, somewhat sexist and can be very rude by using offensive comments. He's traditional and I get that, but sometimes he just doesn't understand his actions and thinks he deserves respect in return for his rude remarks. If you haven't already, I post somethings about his 'help-like' self in my other threads: Here, there are two other threads also. Any who, my dad has diabetes but as much as I don't want to light his fuse, I'm in the need to especially now that this situation in my opinion, has sparked up some red flags. My dad made two facebook accounts within the last year or so and it makes me feel somewhat suspicious because one is for his business partners and other for his personal life, I get that but it still seems weird. This might seem as I have invaded his privacy, but in my opinion, he left his personal account logged in a couple times with often, message notifications on. Among the numerous messages from family members or old friends, there were a few that caught my eye and one in particular that caused me to make this thread. He's been talking to an old girl friend who he was once in love with (as far as I can read his messages) and I pointed my fingers about it to him, though he seemed nervous but laughed it off and later deleted the message history with this woman. Last night while he was finishing dinner, I sat on the chair beside him and he quickly chained topic with the person over the phone by calling her a different name, asking her about events, etc. When I ask who he was speaking to, he said my aunt so I asked innocently if I could at least say hi (loudly in fact) and at that point he hung up her call and told me to butt off. My father is almost going into his mid fifties and it concerns me as well as tugs at my heart strings slightly because knowing that he's doing this behind everyone's back including my mothers makes me think he wants to have a child with that woman and feel proud for that child. Jealousy perhaps, but I don't really know. A moment ago, the woman called his facebook and I answered while my mother overheard. I told the woman who I was and asked who she was, but she told me someone called her through my dad's account though there were no recent calls from the cellphone to her, so I caught her in her own lie of course. I caught my dad chatting up with some other woman on facebook a while ago also, but it was in fact one of those fake facebook accounts with some profanity picture set as the profile picture and my dad messaged it with some of his information which I was concerned about, so I blocked the fake account. I hate to be the 'protector' if you will, or the wahh police, but if I have to do this for the sake of my parents, I will. Last night also, he told me that if he had any interest in that woman, he'd have already gone to flee with her, but I asked him why he continued talking to her and he didn't give me any true response. Advice?

[Mae Lovelyn]

Having a prosfessional and personal fb account isn't all that weird. It's smart if he rather not have his job snooping into his personal life and he can separate his work acquaintances from his close family/friends.

How about instead of parenting your own father from the sidelines, you bring it up to him in a one-on-one conversation. Yeah, you get that he's getting older and that things have changed, but he still has a family and all that. Don't come off as accusing but just discuss your concerns over his latest behaviors and ask if everything is okay between him and your mom.

[GoddessofAir23]

Mae Lovelyn

Yes, I understand the two account thing, but it seemed as though his personal account had more female friends. Thank you.
I tried last night but he shrugged it off, my mom was yelling things from another room, but I have a strong gut feeling that if we do discuss this among the three of us, my mother would cry which would get my father angry which in turn would frustrate me. The woman's tone sounded secretive and as if her tail was caught on a door, oy vay. Thank you, truly.

[mangachan]

You feel betrayed and hurt by this. It's alright to feel like that because what he's doing is wrong and toxic. Don't be passive aggressive by trying to call him out. He is a grown man and he is the only person who can live his life, right or wrong. This has nothing to do with you OP and he will have to answer for what he's doing. He already knows that talking to another woman is wrong, which is why he's trying to hide it.



You can let him know that you really don't know the extent of what he is doing and you don't know why. (emphasizing that you aren't trying to tell him how to act or what to feel.) You CAN tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and it just feels wrong to YOU. You love your mom and you don't want to see her sad or hurt and you would hate to think that he would do anything like that. Honestly IF he were talking to other women it would forever affect you guys relationship. He is your father and you love him very much but this issue would make it very difficult to trust and respect him.

It may make a difference in his actions, it may not. He may become upset but that would be because he's forced to think about what he's doing. At least you would have the peace of mind that you would have addressed it. ETA: It sounds like your mom is aware of this (an possibly other) issues so it's not something you have to "out" him for. Also, it's not wise to do any kind of intervention type thing. You want to do that in a setting like marriage counseling were the person mediating has experience with this. They may or may not want to do that.

[GoddessofAir23]

mangachan

That's exactly how I feel, thank you. I'll give it my best.

[Oblivionic]

Your father sounds like an idiot and a coward. You can't make him smarter, but perhaps you could direct him to confront his problems?
Especially since it concerns your mother.