Princess Mi Amore Cadenza
You're right - I'm not going to call things off at this point. I agree there's a lot of room for improvement, and the things I mentioned in and of themselves aren't reasons to end the relationship. I've mostly been thinking about these things this past week. There's a lot more I could be doing, in terms of encouraging us to go out more. I'm wiped at the end of the day too.
I guess I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed. I struggle with my own issues, I guess I've been feeling selfish and have been wanting my own space. I still desire to be with him, I don't know where these feelings are coming from. So I think I'm becoming irritated by these things more easily. I'm a home-body myself, so to relax I find things to do at home instead of going out usually. I guess I just wish I also saw more drive in him to try other hobbies besides video games and drinking. I'm tired of seeing it all the time. I know that's bitchy of me, and in theory I don't have to look at it, but we live in a small apartment together so at least while I'm here, I'm around it. I'm not against video games so I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it's like all he does when he's home and all weekend. Yes, it's judgmental of me but it's not attractive. He's struggled with alcohol for his whole life basically, and I don't really like that he's constantly getting drunk or high, especially because my parents struggled with those problems. But it's what he likes, so what can I do?
We've talked extensively about our plans and I've asked him a lot about his ideas. I don't know all of my plans for the next 10 years, and I don't expect him too either. He did just transfer to a different department, so that's something. But the thing is that he's not actively looking into other career options, or exploring what he might be interested in, and he's always been this way for his entire life, so far as I can tell. Like I said, the only reason he has a job is because his ex made him. Before this he was taking 200 level classes and having his parents support him, in his mid-late 20's still. It's one thing to be vaguely interested in pursuing other opportunities, but it's not enough, you know? I help him brainstorm ideas, do research, or share what I know, but when it comes down to it he has to do it himself. And there's no evidence that he will, as bitchy as that sounds. It's his life to do what he wishes, but it makes me sad that he always defers to drinking or playing video games.
I would love to support him in his efforts, but I don't want to be the only reason he ever does anything to improve himself. That places a huge responsibility on me. I would love to be part of the reason, that's totally fine, but I can't be his life coach or main motivation in life for
everything sad He has made a few tiny steps forward since we started dating, but basically, what I'm saying is that if I'm not content with things as they are, how much better are they going to get? Because ultimately, I can't change him.
Again, I know all of that sounds pretty bitchy but I need to let my feelings out somewhere. I know none of us are perfect. There were many months last year were he worked more then me. I want to pursue more creative and spiritual things that contribute to my self growth while I'm at home and it's distracting when my partner is being a slob. That's how I've been feeling, whether it's right or wrong.
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