Welcome to Gaia! ::

~

Thinking about this some more. Thanks.
Nariana's avatar

Hygienic Genius

I think you should talk to him about hanging around the house. Be encouraging and willing to do more stuff with him to get him out of the house more often. For instance, suggest you two go out and skate or have picnics on the weekend-- whatever you think will be fun for the both of you.

And for the proactivity, it's normal for you to want more. I mean, I don't want to live with someone who's complacent while I'm doing my best to make it to the top. It just isn't a good match up. You two should also have a conversation about his career goals. Like, serious stuff. Where does he want to be in 5 years? Does he see himself at the same job, a higher position? This conversation will probably lean to be more criticizing, but try to keep it constructive. "I know your job is stressful, so maybe it's time for you to look at other companies... You say you want to have a real career, but what does that really mean to you? I feel like I'm the only one trying to improve career-wise, and I just want to know how you feel about it." Or something.

I don't think you two need to separate just yet. You can work this out if he's willing to get out of his comfort zone and if you're willing to help him.
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza's avatar

Precious Sweetheart

9,100 Points
  • Love Machine 150
  • Object of Affection 150
  • Generous 100
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.
emotion_bigheart What if you tried to have outings with one another? It seems like that would really bring some more enjoyment back into your relationship. Couples cooking or pottery? Hiking? Exercises? Wine tasting? Sight seeing? There are so many things that you can Google in your local area that I'm sure could inspire a wonderful and fulfilling day.

Don't end things just because this seems a little upsetting or dark right now. It's always darkest before the dawn, remember? It's a relationship and you need to be willing to help each other. It's a team thing. You help him and he helps by taking a step out of that comfort bubble of his. Try to be patient while you're encouraging him, you know? Gentle nudges and whatnot. Otherwise, he may just be put off altogether and make no progress at all.
Nariana
.



Princess Mi Amore Cadenza
.


You're right - I'm not going to call things off at this point. I agree there's a lot of room for improvement, and the things I mentioned in and of themselves aren't reasons to end the relationship. I've mostly been thinking about these things this past week. There's a lot more I could be doing, in terms of encouraging us to go out more. I'm wiped at the end of the day too.

I guess I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed. I struggle with my own issues, I guess I've been feeling selfish and have been wanting my own space. I still desire to be with him, I don't know where these feelings are coming from. So I think I'm becoming irritated by these things more easily. I'm a home-body myself, so to relax I find things to do at home instead of going out usually. I guess I just wish I also saw more drive in him to try other hobbies besides video games and drinking. I'm tired of seeing it all the time. I know that's bitchy of me, and in theory I don't have to look at it, but we live in a small apartment together so at least while I'm here, I'm around it. I'm not against video games so I don't know why it annoys me so much, but it's like all he does when he's home and all weekend. Yes, it's judgmental of me but it's not attractive. He's struggled with alcohol for his whole life basically, and I don't really like that he's constantly getting drunk or high, especially because my parents struggled with those problems. But it's what he likes, so what can I do?

We've talked extensively about our plans and I've asked him a lot about his ideas. I don't know all of my plans for the next 10 years, and I don't expect him too either. He did just transfer to a different department, so that's something. But the thing is that he's not actively looking into other career options, or exploring what he might be interested in, and he's always been this way for his entire life, so far as I can tell. Like I said, the only reason he has a job is because his ex made him. Before this he was taking 200 level classes and having his parents support him, in his mid-late 20's still. It's one thing to be vaguely interested in pursuing other opportunities, but it's not enough, you know? I help him brainstorm ideas, do research, or share what I know, but when it comes down to it he has to do it himself. And there's no evidence that he will, as bitchy as that sounds. It's his life to do what he wishes, but it makes me sad that he always defers to drinking or playing video games.

I would love to support him in his efforts, but I don't want to be the only reason he ever does anything to improve himself. That places a huge responsibility on me. I would love to be part of the reason, that's totally fine, but I can't be his life coach or main motivation in life for everything sad He has made a few tiny steps forward since we started dating, but basically, what I'm saying is that if I'm not content with things as they are, how much better are they going to get? Because ultimately, I can't change him.

Again, I know all of that sounds pretty bitchy but I need to let my feelings out somewhere. I know none of us are perfect. There were many months last year were he worked more then me. I want to pursue more creative and spiritual things that contribute to my self growth while I'm at home and it's distracting when my partner is being a slob. That's how I've been feeling, whether it's right or wrong. sweatdrop
fubenkunai's avatar

Dangerous Conversationalist

The needing space is natural when you've moved in with your partner. Sharing space with a new person is always an adjustment, and it gets exacerbated when you think hey, we should be spending all our spare time together, because that's why we did this! Take you time, either at home or outside of it, and you'll find that a lot of that stress vanishes.

As for the other stuff, I don't know why you think you're being unreasonable. I have nothing against substances and games, okay, but when you are spending that much money on it all, and taking days off work? That says to me that you might have an addiction problem. And addiction problems can turn into employment problems, financial problems, and interpersonal problems if they get big enough. If my partner started spending a lot of cash on this stuff, and got to the point where he was maybe jeopardizing his job with it, I'd be worried too. I'm all about having fun when you're young, but he needs to slow his roll a little bit. He's given you zero indication that, when the time comes, he will step up and be an adult, a husband, and a father. I mean, come on, you said yourself that the guy never does anything of his own volition, and you are a billion percent right that it is unfair and unreasonable for you to be the sole motivator in this relationship/in his life.

I think you should talk about all this, and try to come up with a concrete set of goals for the next month, six months, year, whatever. Maybe you establish some limits for drinking, smoking, and gaming. Maybe you think about going to therapy, together or individually, if you can afford it. But if he's not going to commit to this with you? Completely reasonable to move out and reassess things. All the love in the world won't make someone pull their weight, and you're not on this earth to do it for him.
Nariana's avatar

Hygienic Genius

Okay, I kind of get a better idea now that you explained that more. You guys need home activities. I feel you about wanting to just go back home after a full day. emotion_drool You two should play more engaging video games like Just Dance or Dance Central, Wii Sports, etc. You both can do something fun together, stay at home, get energized, be productive, and not be sloppy on the couch all at once. Maybe you two don't need to delve all into the serious maturing stuff. Now it sounds like you just need a destresser.

Or have you two thought about sprucing up your love lives? emotion_awesome
But I'm being serious.
fubenkunai
The needing space is natural when you've moved in with your partner. Sharing space with a new person is always an adjustment, and it gets exacerbated when you think hey, we should be spending all our spare time together, because that's why we did this! Take you time, either at home or outside of it, and you'll find that a lot of that stress vanishes.

As for the other stuff, I don't know why you think you're being unreasonable. I have nothing against substances and games, okay, but when you are spending that much money on it all, and taking days off work? That says to me that you might have an addiction problem. And addiction problems can turn into employment problems, financial problems, and interpersonal problems if they get big enough. If my partner started spending a lot of cash on this stuff, and got to the point where he was maybe jeopardizing his job with it, I'd be worried too. I'm all about having fun when you're young, but he needs to slow his roll a little bit. He's given you zero indication that, when the time comes, he will step up and be an adult, a husband, and a father. I mean, come on, you said yourself that the guy never does anything of his own volition, and you are a billion percent right that it is unfair and unreasonable for you to be the sole motivator in this relationship/in his life.

I think you should talk about all this, and try to come up with a concrete set of goals for the next month, six months, year, whatever. Maybe you establish some limits for drinking, smoking, and gaming. Maybe you think about going to therapy, together or individually, if you can afford it. But if he's not going to commit to this with you? Completely reasonable to move out and reassess things. All the love in the world won't make someone pull their weight, and you're not on this earth to do it for him.


Thanks for your input. He does spend quite a lot of money on drinking, but he can afford it, so money isn't currently an issue. However, it is a considerable expense, and I agree that he has an addiction problem. So does he. He sees a counselor once every 2 weeks or so for a number of things.

We do talk about it, and it usually comes up when he's feeling frustrated with his addictions, which is frequently. I tend to tread carefully when talking about it with him, because I'm very hesitant in telling him what to do. So I usually ask him how he feels, what he thinks is reasonable, what kind of goals he wants to set for himself and I do my best to be encouraging and supportive of his plans. And he'll say "oh, well this week I won't drink for x number of nights, or tonight I'll only have 2 drinks, or this week I'm going to go do this other thing I've been meaning to do," or whatever. And he might follow through a tiny bit before loosing his direction and focus.

What else can I do? Be like "Hey! I thought you said you'd only have a couple drinks, and you've had 5, what's the deal?" or like "you said you wouldn't drink this week, and you've been drinking, you need to stop." (<---I don't do that, even though sometimes I want to!) Sometimes I might ask him about something and he'll be like yeah, it's been a long week or he'll feel kind of ashamed or whatever. But I have a hard time actually directly telling him what to do, and I feel kind of weird monitoring his drinking so closely. I don't really know if I should more or not?

Occasionally I'll push certain things like "you seem really tired, you should read and then just go to bed instead of playing games" (because once he starts he goes for hours on end) but I don't know if it's really appropriate for me to say "you can only play games for 10 hours this week" bc I don't want him to feel like I'm micro managing him.

It seems to be a very fine line to walk. I ask him about his goals, do what I can to support and encourage him but I want him to be a part of his own process. I try to respect that it's just his hobby even though I'm actually feeling annoyed. So, I'm not sure how to approach these long term "goals" together.
angel_259236102's avatar

Fashionable Bloodsucker

3,400 Points
  • Signature Look 250
  • Person of Interest 200
  • Clambake 200
It sounds like you shoudl end it. He is who he is and so that means he is the drinking a lot and doing pot guy right now. It does mean he is going to play a lot of video games and all that and you either have to understand that that is what he wants to do with his free time or you leave and find someone who actually is mre lke how you want someone to br.

You shouldnt be forcing him to do things like look at what he wants to do as a career and look at othe oppourtinutes or whatever else. That isnt supporting him, that is babying him. Nor should he have to change his habits if that is what he wants to spend hi time doing. No, maybe he will change in 2 years or maybe I can change him. THAT DOES NOT WORK. IT is the classical end of a relatinoship because 1 person tries to change the other person and it doesnt work or goes too far and hurts the other person as they loose their sense of self. It never ends well.

ON top of that you are deluding yourself. You arent in love with him and you moved in FAR too early and you are becoming his mother instead of a partner. You need to leave him for an adult instead of dealign with a man child. There doesnt sound like any sign of being compatible, you are out ding your life and geting settled down and he is trying to be 19 when he is almost 30.
angel_259236102
.


Lol, I'm not forcing him to do anything. I'm very live and let live. I'm not forcing him to think about career opportunities. He'll express interest and we'll talk about it. I always get excited about that sort of thing :p But you're right, while we can talk about these things I can't make him pursue them (nor do I want to MAKE him do anything, as I've suggested my hesitance above) and I'm fully aware of that.

And of course I'm in love with him. Just because we have problems doesn't negate that fact. But these are all things to take into consideration.
fubenkunai's avatar

Dangerous Conversationalist

Your dilemma here is that you can't keep on living the way you have been, because it's going to interfere with your long-term goals, but you can't make another person do something. If he's already seeing a counselor, and you're already being Healthy Supportive Partner, I don't know what else to do. I'm stumped. It may be that he would actually need and welcome instruction, like, "You should stop after this drink." Some people are that way, and they need a bit of a push to get and stay on the road to recovery. You could always ask him if that kind of assistance is welcome. You'll probably still feel weird about it, but if he has asked you to be a monitor for him, it should feel doable. Obviously, you don't want to do this long-term, but if this is what he needs to stay on the right path long enough for it to stick, it could be worth a shot.

Also, maybe in addition to the counseling, he could seek out an addiction-specific support group? I'm a bit "meh" on AA, because it's heavy on a narrow band of spirituality and it can be argued that they just substitute a God addiction for an alcohol addiction, but there are other groups out there. Maybe he needs more for that than a counseling session every other week?

A final thought is that he may have some sort of mental illness that is contributing to the drinking and gaming. Some people with ADHD struggle with addiction. Kotaku just featured an article by a guy who was addicted to pot and gaming, and he said it really turned around for him when he was diagnosed bipolar and started treatment for it. I'm no kind of health professional, and I don't know the guy, but enough people experience a link between mental illness and addiction issues that I thought I should mention it. I'm a bit skeptical of this one because his counselor has not said anything (That you mentioned, anyway), but maybe that has not come up, and not all counselors are qualified to diagnose and medicate, so...just floating the idea.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games