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So, I have a bf and a gf. They have been married 5 years, and the wifey and I have been best friends for 4 years. We started a relationship about 1 year ago, but we have been pretty much avoiding the subject of children. They do not have any yet, nor do I, but to be fair to my gf, I told her that I would undergo artificial insemination when the time for us to have children comes about. I did this in order for her to feel as though there were still something sacred between her and her husband that was just for them (plus, I know that is what she wanted anyway). To be honest, though, this really hurts my feelings... it really sucks for me to know that I will never be allowed to have children with the man I love since I believe the act of bringing children into the world is sacred and very spiritual- I have to go to a clinic with people who I would normally not even want involved in the process and allow them to do what a divine connection of souls should do.

Anyway, I guess I am just wondering if any of you have been involved in a polygamous relationship and how the subject of kids was handled. I am hoping to find creative solutions, or at least a better perspective on it. I really want to be okay with this.
Raspberry Flavored Milk's avatar

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I'm poly but we haven't really hit the subject of kids. I'm in a temporarily monogamous relationship at the moment though.
I've thought of different ways it could work out. I have preference for those who are married having kids, but really, it's whatever works for the partners. In some relationships is a hierarchy of some sort - so I guess it could factor into that. There's adoptions and partners that come into the relationship with children. If it's a triad, all could contribute in some way - with two females and a male, a female could donate an egg, the other carries, and the male fertilizes. It's expensive but all three are involved. Since there are so many options, there is no right solution. It's whatever is right for the relationship.

I don't really understand why you say:
Quote:
I will never be allowed to have children with the man I love since I believe the act of bringing children into the world is sacred and very spiritual

So, because your partners are having a child together... you can't have one with them? Does him being involved with two people make creating a child between you two not sacred or spiritual?
If you're uncomfortable with that idea, you should probably talk to them. Figure that out. Keeping quite to make them happy will upset the relationship if it unsettles you. Communicate. Even if you still settle on that, having voiced that may help.
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Eliza Sage
So, I have a bf and a gf. They have been married 5 years, and the wifey and I have been best friends for 4 years. We started a relationship about 1 year ago, but we have been pretty much avoiding the subject of children. They do not have any yet, nor do I, but to be fair to my gf, I told her that I would undergo artificial insemination when the time for us to have children comes about. I did this in order for her to feel as though there were still something sacred between her and her husband that was just for them (plus, I know that is what she wanted anyway). To be honest, though, this really hurts my feelings... it really sucks for me to know that I will never be allowed to have children with the man I love since I believe the act of bringing children into the world is sacred and very spiritual- I have to go to a clinic with people who I would normally not even want involved in the process and allow them to do what a divine connection of souls should do.

Anyway, I guess I am just wondering if any of you have been involved in a polygamous relationship and how the subject of kids was handled. I am hoping to find creative solutions, or at least a better perspective on it. I really want to be okay with this.


Erm, you told this to her to make her happy. If you didn't like that you shouldn't have said it?
Salmenella's avatar

Girl-Crazy Ladykiller

It doesn't seem like a very even relationship to me.
I'm no expert of polygamist relationships but from the people I have talked to that have been one..everyone is supposed to be happy.
hmm...well it seems to me like you are not equal in the relationship in that they are actually married and have something "sacred" that would seem to be mutually deemed off-limits. The problem with that is, in relationships like this, for them to truly work long term, everyone must be equal. Same as for many good monogamous relationships; your partner is your critic and your biggest fan, someone who will challenge you and, at the same time, raise you up. And ideally, it's a balance in which both give and receive, and flourish together. In multiple-partner scenarios, it's the same. If you aren't equal, if you don't balance each other, you don't flourish. Parts start to become starved and they wither. It's your decision, but I don't recommend staying in a relationship where you will be unfulfilled, unless you see yourself loving them enough to truly sacrifice that and flourish without it.
Ask Jappleack's avatar

Greedy Consumer

You are really new agey huh, and into make-up too, that can only mean one thing. Princess.

But anyways, if its the three of you making a baby you all want to raise, they have found in SCIENTIFIC experiments that the womb a baby is in does affect how the baby will turn out, which should be obvious, so even if you carry their baby its still also your baby, so its like having a 3-way baby.

It affects the child's epigenetics compared to genetics though, epigenetics being which genes are turned on and when and how much they are turned on. it would have to do with your diet and such as well, when you eat, when you sleep etc, because all those affect hormones which affect the child. In you the baby could end up a different size or something even, or in your womb less than or longer than in your gf's womb. Which would subtley affect the child pemanently. Even your emotional behaviors will produce hormones when you are pregnant affecting the baby to be more like you. And genetically its not a common experience to be carrying a baby like that. Artificial insemination could have problems or side effects that are unforseen though. Maybe to simulate sex before artificial inseminaiton you can masturbate or have actual sex, so your body thinks you got pregnant by normal means.
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I agree that it doesn't sound like you have an equal relationship, or a relationship at all. A successful polygamous relationship involves equal time between all the members (and thus why it is so hard to have one). It sounds like you are more of just friends with both of them. You are never going to have sexual relations with him nor her? Do you have any intimate time with them (kissing, holding hands)? Or is it like some sort of middle school bf/gf type thing where you go to the movies and talk? You may have an emotional relationship with them, but it is hardly the same thing an intimate one. With what they are saying, it seems like they do not see you are a part of any polygamous plan.
Gopher dude's avatar

Questionable Lover

It's not really a polygamous relationship if you three aren't living together.

That's not polygamy.

That's cheating except the husband is okay with it.
CalledTheRaven's avatar

Dapper Lunatic

If all parties are aware and consensual, it is not cheating. Cheating requires there to be some form of unethical romantic interaction beyond the established bounds of the relationship. If the mutually accepted bounds of the relationship include dating or sleeping with other people then it's not cheating, it's consensual non-monogamy or polyamoury. I believe Polygamy actually involves some form of marriage (even if it's not legally recognized.

As for the OP, I have a question, are you sleeping with either of these partners and just what is the sexual dynamic involved? Do you sleep with one and not the other but want to? One and not the other but are good with that? Do you sleep with both? Neither? I'm just trying to better understand the dynamic here so I can give better advice.

Also, I have to wonder how, if you are getting his sperm, it's any less of a personal and special thing. It's still the union of your two genetic materials to create a new life. I understand that sex and getting prodded in a clinic are very different situations both physically but having a child together can be just as sacred and special regardless. Just think of lesbian couple who must undergo artificial insemination or be willing to get in bed with a man who is not a part of their relationship to have kids. Or gay men or infertile couple who must adopt or find a surrogate. Is their decision to have and raise a child together any less sacred or special then a man and a woman conceiving a child together?
edit: It just occurred to me that you might be talking about donor sperm but that was not made clear in the post and my points here still stand.

I'm not trying to bash you or how you feel about this. I'm just trying to present some other perspectives. And if it really does bother you that much you really need to talk to both of your partners about it. If they can't accept that this is as important to you as it is to them then it is an uneven relationship. Such a relationship needs to be meeting the needs of all parties involved and if you can't manage that then it's not going to work.

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