Parents who wont let you grow up?

[nice try jacqueline]

What do you do about that?

I've never had a real relationship with my mom. Now that I'm pregnant (and past my due date) she's becoming overly clingy. I moved 500 miles away from my mom and my grandparents so that they would leave me alone. They like to interfere in EVERYTHING. They are quite seriously one of the reasons I decided to put my daughter up for adoption.**

Anyway. I'm living with my boyfriend for the time being. After the baby is born I'm going back to my home town because there are more job opportunities in the field I chose. He's been pretty good about being supportive of this all. At first he was upset about the pregnancy and thought I did it on purpose, and he may even still feel that way, buuuttt, things between us are fine. Lately he's been catering to all my needs, checking up on me even when he's at work to make sure that I'm still feeling okay, and overall, being the awesome guy I started dating 2 years ago.

My mom has been texting me nonstop. I dont care to talk to her, but if I ignore her she goes into panic mode, calls every family member I have to see if I'm in labor and so forth. This morning I received a text saying that her sub would cover her route at the post office so she could come down and 'take care of me'. I do not need to be taken care of by her, I've got my boyfriend. I'm an adult, and I dont need her. I never have. Not to mention, I really dont want to be around her because she gets all ******** emotional and tries to recapture my childhood with her, which will never happen.

Also, everyone feels the need to question my decision of adoption. I've had my mind made up about this since I found out I was pregnant. They know the reasons I'm doing this, and they still continue to harass and annoy me about it. I feel like they dont trust me to make my own decisions regarding MY life. I'm 21. I know that I dont know EVERYTHING about life, but the only way I'm going to LEARN is if I experience things for myself.

How do I make it clear to my family that I'm growing up and I dont need them to hold my hand through this? I've got support from my boyfriend. I've got support from my friends. I've never had a strong sense of family, and I just feel like I dont need them.

I guess this is mostly just a rant, but you can reply if you'd like.

**Back story, that's not really 'relevant' but in case you were wondering.... My mom got pregnant at 20. Had me when she was 21. Screwed up majorly. She should have placed me for adoption. Anyway. She was BROKE as s**t. She had to turn to my grandparents, who would throw it back in her face, and then they felt entitled to me. It made her miserable, and though I was a child, I played them against each other. I ended up moving in with my grandparents because my mom became physically violent towards me and so forth. That's not the life I should have had. Its not the kind of life I want for my daughter. She deserves better than what me and my crazy family can provide for her. Though I would never hurt my daughter, I could see history 'repeating' itself and I didnt want anything to do with that. The couple that is adopting her are probably the most normal and sane people I've met, and I truly believe I'm making the right choice.

[Immortality by Harlot]

nice try jacqueline

What do you do about that?

I've never had a real relationship with my mom. Now that I'm pregnant (and past my due date) she's becoming overly clingy. I moved 500 miles away from my mom and my grandparents so that they would leave me alone. They like to interfere in EVERYTHING. They are quite seriously one of the reasons I decided to put my daughter up for adoption.**

Anyway. I'm living with my boyfriend for the time being. After the baby is born I'm going back to my home town because there are more job opportunities in the field I chose. He's been pretty good about being supportive of this all. At first he was upset about the pregnancy and thought I did it on purpose, and he may even still feel that way, buuuttt, things between us are fine. Lately he's been catering to all my needs, checking up on me even when he's at work to make sure that I'm still feeling okay, and overall, being the awesome guy I started dating 2 years ago.

My mom has been texting me nonstop. I dont care to talk to her, but if I ignore her she goes into panic mode, calls every family member I have to see if I'm in labor and so forth. This morning I received a text saying that her sub would cover her route at the post office so she could come down and 'take care of me'. I do not need to be taken care of by her, I've got my boyfriend. I'm an adult, and I dont need her. I never have. Not to mention, I really dont want to be around her because she gets all ******** emotional and tries to recapture my childhood with her, which will never happen.

Also, everyone feels the need to question my decision of adoption. I've had my mind made up about this since I found out I was pregnant. They know the reasons I'm doing this, and they still continue to harass and annoy me about it. I feel like they dont trust me to make my own decisions regarding MY life. I'm 21. I know that I dont know EVERYTHING about life, but the only way I'm going to LEARN is if I experience things for myself.

How do I make it clear to my family that I'm growing up and I dont need them to hold my hand through this? I've got support from my boyfriend. I've got support from my friends. I've never had a strong sense of family, and I just feel like I dont need them.

I guess this is mostly just a rant, but you can reply if you'd like.

**Back story, that's not really 'relevant' but in case you were wondering.... My mom got pregnant at 20. Had me when she was 21. Screwed up majorly. She should have placed me for adoption. Anyway. She was BROKE as s**t. She had to turn to my grandparents, who would throw it back in her face, and then they felt entitled to me. It made her miserable, and though I was a child, I played them against each other. I ended up moving in with my grandparents because my mom became physically violent towards me and so forth. That's not the life I should have had. Its not the kind of life I want for my daughter. She deserves better than what me and my crazy family can provide for her. Though I would never hurt my daughter, I could see history 'repeating' itself and I didnt want anything to do with that. The couple that is adopting her are probably the most normal and sane people I've met, and I truly believe I'm making the right choice.

I understand your plight. You are well within your rights to not contact them, but i am sure they just want you to make the best decision. I have put a child up for adoption, and to be honest, though i have visitation, it makes me sad every time, and that was nearly 6 years ago. I just hope everything goes well. Adoption is an AMAZING option, i applaud it over abortion.

If you need to talk about this further, feel free to PM me or quote me

~Chris

[keitaro_makihara]

Well, I think you're mother going into panic mode because she thinks you're in labor is relatively normal. My mother wouldn't leave my sister-in-law alone when she was pregnant, especially during those last few weeks. She wanted to make sure she was ok, that she was at the hospital when the baby was born, wanted to help in any way she could even though my sis-in-law had my brother and her own mother. Having a baby is a big deal and your mom probably wants to be a part of it, even though she hasn't been the closest with you.

Now, I wonder if she feels guilty about your childhood and is trying to reconcile that fact by essentially trying to recapute your childhood. My mother was that way when I moved out actually. If I didn't answer her texts or phone calls she would panic and literally drive to my apartment to see if I was home :/ She eventually let up, but I think its because you're pregnant... its such a big life event, even when you're giving the baby up for adoption, and she probably really wants to be a part of it. She may feel weird that you haven't relied on her during this time, as a lot of mothers see their daughters having a baby being a bonding experience.

Unfortunately, though, I think that she'll want to hold your hand during this experience regardless of what you say to her. I get the feeling that she really wants to have a friend-like relationship with you, but the best way to deal with that is to be short and such with replies to texts/phone calls.

People are probably questioning your decision of adoption because it can be difficult. And they probably have some sort of desire to have a new baby in the family. But kudos to you for making a decision and sticking to it.

[Volrezzo]

While you may not get along, you don't necessarily have to give up a relationship with your mom. It may take time, and patience, but it is possible. Other than that, just let her know, politely, that you have everything under control and she needs to stay calm. I think a lot of mothers generally want to get involved with their children/grandchildren, especially around the time of birth. And while they decision of adoption is entirely up to you, you should know you are not your mother, and even while parental tendencies can be picked up they aren't always, and even if you are poor it doesn't mean she will end up in a bad home. Also, while you feel you may have wished to be placed in adoption, I think you can't really say it would have been better. You don't who would have raised you, if you were raised at all, what kind of life you would lead, what kind of friends/lover you would have. Generally I think if I have friends I wouldn't trade for the world, I wouldn't change anything about my life. Err, sorry for the rant.

[angel_259236102]

Weird thought but I just feel like I want to touch your belly...lol.

ALso it is a weird thing for you to say that your mother should have put you up for adoption..

In general it just sounds like she worries for you. Having been in your position makes it worse, but like every normal mother...she is going to worry about her super pregnant child. She seems to want to know if you are in labour, probably WANTED to be there for the birth, etc. You may be on your own, but you are forever her child, and so these 'milestones' (even if you are going to adopt it is one) is something that she is missing out because of the not good relationship you two have.

Even if you feel like you dont 'need' her, I feel like she is trying hard to be in your life in any way, and it isnt really her not trusting you but her wanting to be a part of things.

[nice try jacqueline]

keitaro_makihara

Well, I think you're mother going into panic mode because she thinks you're in labor is relatively normal. My mother wouldn't leave my sister-in-law alone when she was pregnant, especially during those last few weeks. She wanted to make sure she was ok, that she was at the hospital when the baby was born, wanted to help in any way she could even though my sis-in-law had my brother and her own mother. Having a baby is a big deal and your mom probably wants to be a part of it, even though she hasn't been the closest with you.

Now, I wonder if she feels guilty about your childhood and is trying to reconcile that fact by essentially trying to recapute your childhood. My mother was that way when I moved out actually. If I didn't answer her texts or phone calls she would panic and literally drive to my apartment to see if I was home :/ She eventually let up, but I think its because you're pregnant... its such a big life event, even when you're giving the baby up for adoption, and she probably really wants to be a part of it. She may feel weird that you haven't relied on her during this time, as a lot of mothers see their daughters having a baby being a bonding experience.

Unfortunately, though, I think that she'll want to hold your hand during this experience regardless of what you say to her. I get the feeling that she really wants to have a friend-like relationship with you, but the best way to deal with that is to be short and such with replies to texts/phone calls.

People are probably questioning your decision of adoption because it can be difficult. And they probably have some sort of desire to have a new baby in the family. But kudos to you for making a decision and sticking to it.

I havent wanted my family to be involved in this at all. I know their stance on all of it, and so I just didnt want to deal with them trying to persuade me to do something that I'm not ready for. My mother is insanely manipulative. When I first told her I was pregnant I said "I need an abortion." She freaked out. Then told my brother who is 11 "Your sister wants to kill her baby." Then she wrote out an email, saying it was from him, USING HIM to convince me to keep the baby. "Sis, I know we dont get along but please dont kill your baby, I promise if you let me see him or her I will be the best uncle ever." It was sooooo wrong for her to do that. And while it succeeded in me not aborting, it didnt change my mind about not wanting a child.

She does feel guilty about my childhood. She actually told me that if she could have those years back with me, she would have aborted my little brother. Pretty ******** up thing to say, especially since she said it in front of my brother. He was like 6 at the time, but I know that it hurt him. He doesnt really like me as a result. (We're 10 years apart).

Everyone in my family wants me to keep the baby. "We'll help you." I dont want their help. I dont want any interference. I was robbed of that relationship with my mom BECAUSE of their "help". I cant let that happen again. And though I do feel like I was robbed, I dont care to try to get that relationship back, because the ship has sailed. I gave her plenty of chances to redeem herself, and she failed me every time.

[nice try jacqueline]

angel_259236102

Weird thought but I just feel like I want to touch your belly...lol.

ALso it is a weird thing for you to say that your mother should have put you up for adoption..

In general it just sounds like she worries for you. Having been in your position makes it worse, but like every normal mother...she is going to worry about her super pregnant child. She seems to want to know if you are in labour, probably WANTED to be there for the birth, etc. You may be on your own, but you are forever her child, and so these 'milestones' (even if you are going to adopt it is one) is something that she is missing out because of the not good relationship you two have.

Even if you feel like you dont 'need' her, I feel like she is trying hard to be in your life in any way, and it isnt really her not trusting you but her wanting to be a part of things.

I get that a lot lol People are ALWAYS touching my belly. My boyfriend's dad walks up, grabs it, and says "Jackie, now when are you gonna pop?!" lol

My mother got pregnant with another child about 5 months after I was born. She chose to give him up, and we stayed in contact with his family for a time. I've been updated about his life frequently from some of his family members and he has had an AMAZING life. One that didnt have half the drama and bullshit that mine did.

Everyone wanted to be there for the birth. I purposely left home because I didnt want them there. They make things too awkward. I dont even like to discuss my pregnancy with them because they make me feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not because of anything they've said or done, but because I had promised myself when I was young that I would not let something like this happen to me.

I really dont like having my mom in my life. She creates a lot of unnecessary drama. If I do something she doesnt approve of she freaks out and ends up saying "Have a nice life!" This has happened so many times that I ended up just giving up and have no desire to try.

[nice try jacqueline]

Volrezzo

While you may not get along, you don't necessarily have to give up a relationship with your mom. It may take time, and patience, but it is possible. Other than that, just let her know, politely, that you have everything under control and she needs to stay calm. I think a lot of mothers generally want to get involved with their children/grandchildren, especially around the time of birth. And while they decision of adoption is entirely up to you, you should know you are not your mother, and even while parental tendencies can be picked up they aren't always, and even if you are poor it doesn't mean she will end up in a bad home. Also, while you feel you may have wished to be placed in adoption, I think you can't really say it would have been better. You don't who would have raised you, if you were raised at all, what kind of life you would lead, what kind of friends/lover you would have. Generally I think if I have friends I wouldn't trade for the world, I wouldn't change anything about my life. Err, sorry for the rant.

I dont want a relationship with my mom. She's too much work with very little pay off.

Sometimes I think I wouldnt change a thing. Other times I wish I could change everything. If I had had parents that made me do my homework, parents that were strict with me... I would have been a more disciplined person who would not have found herself in this situation. If my grandparents hadnt tried to over compensate for the fact that my mom would beat me and starve me, I wouldnt be overweight. 8 year olds shouldnt be in charge of their diets. They should be force fed broccoli and told no about McDonalds. If my grandparents had been more forceful about getting my school work done, not just saying "Jackie, do your homework." and actually making sure I did it, I would have been an A+ student. I wouldnt have gone to Job Corps because I wouldnt have spent my college fund on stupid things (of which I have nothing to show for the 10,000 I spent in a matter of 6 months.)

I wish someone would have loved me enough to make me do the right thing even when I didnt want to.

[Volrezzo]

nice try jacqueline

Volrezzo

While you may not get along, you don't necessarily have to give up a relationship with your mom. It may take time, and patience, but it is possible. Other than that, just let her know, politely, that you have everything under control and she needs to stay calm. I think a lot of mothers generally want to get involved with their children/grandchildren, especially around the time of birth. And while they decision of adoption is entirely up to you, you should know you are not your mother, and even while parental tendencies can be picked up they aren't always, and even if you are poor it doesn't mean she will end up in a bad home. Also, while you feel you may have wished to be placed in adoption, I think you can't really say it would have been better. You don't who would have raised you, if you were raised at all, what kind of life you would lead, what kind of friends/lover you would have. Generally I think if I have friends I wouldn't trade for the world, I wouldn't change anything about my life. Err, sorry for the rant.

I dont want a relationship with my mom. She's too much work with very little pay off.

Sometimes I think I wouldnt change a thing. Other times I wish I could change everything. If I had had parents that made me do my homework, parents that were strict with me... I would have been a more disciplined person who would not have found herself in this situation. If my grandparents hadnt tried to over compensate for the fact that my mom would beat me and starve me, I wouldnt be overweight. 8 year olds shouldnt be in charge of their diets. They should be force fed broccoli and told no about McDonalds. If my grandparents had been more forceful about getting my school work done, not just saying "Jackie, do your homework." and actually making sure I did it, I would have been an A+ student. I wouldnt have gone to Job Corps because I wouldnt have spent my college fund on stupid things (of which I have nothing to show for the 10,000 I spent in a matter of 6 months.)

I wish someone would have loved me enough to make me do the right thing even when I didnt want to.

Well, looking in her situation, how would you feel if your daughter didn't love you? Wouldn't you want to try and at least make some sort of relationship? I'm not saying you have to, just don't think you should rule it out. While that all may be the case (some of them are problems I have as well) you at least know what they are and can give that information to the children (if you have more) in the future. While they may not have made you do those things, or taught you about them, it doesn't mean they didn't love you. You have to try to remember that things were different back then as well (I think). Quite a bit of the knowledge we have today didn't exist 20 years ago, and back then they didn't know all the health risks or anything. You also don't know if your other family would have been good or not, just because your sibling had a good experience doesn't mean you would have, it really is all down to luck/chance. Besides, even if you lack discipline, are overweight, and had a kid, it doesn't mean you can't change and work to better yourself, and make your life better. Sorry that I'm getting into a discussion, and if it's not much help.

[nice try jacqueline]

Volrezzo

nice try jacqueline

Volrezzo

While you may not get along, you don't necessarily have to give up a relationship with your mom. It may take time, and patience, but it is possible. Other than that, just let her know, politely, that you have everything under control and she needs to stay calm. I think a lot of mothers generally want to get involved with their children/grandchildren, especially around the time of birth. And while they decision of adoption is entirely up to you, you should know you are not your mother, and even while parental tendencies can be picked up they aren't always, and even if you are poor it doesn't mean she will end up in a bad home. Also, while you feel you may have wished to be placed in adoption, I think you can't really say it would have been better. You don't who would have raised you, if you were raised at all, what kind of life you would lead, what kind of friends/lover you would have. Generally I think if I have friends I wouldn't trade for the world, I wouldn't change anything about my life. Err, sorry for the rant.

I dont want a relationship with my mom. She's too much work with very little pay off.

Sometimes I think I wouldnt change a thing. Other times I wish I could change everything. If I had had parents that made me do my homework, parents that were strict with me... I would have been a more disciplined person who would not have found herself in this situation. If my grandparents hadnt tried to over compensate for the fact that my mom would beat me and starve me, I wouldnt be overweight. 8 year olds shouldnt be in charge of their diets. They should be force fed broccoli and told no about McDonalds. If my grandparents had been more forceful about getting my school work done, not just saying "Jackie, do your homework." and actually making sure I did it, I would have been an A+ student. I wouldnt have gone to Job Corps because I wouldnt have spent my college fund on stupid things (of which I have nothing to show for the 10,000 I spent in a matter of 6 months.)

I wish someone would have loved me enough to make me do the right thing even when I didnt want to.

Well, looking in her situation, how would you feel if your daughter didn't love you? Wouldn't you want to try and at least make some sort of relationship? I'm not saying you have to, just don't think you should rule it out. While that all may be the case (some of them are problems I have as well) you at least know what they are and can give that information to the children (if you have more) in the future. While they may not have made you do those things, or taught you about them, it doesn't mean they didn't love you. You have to try to remember that things were different back then as well (I think). Quite a bit of the knowledge we have today didn't exist 20 years ago, and back then they didn't know all the health risks or anything. You also don't know if your other family would have been good or not, just because your sibling had a good experience doesn't mean you would have, it really is all down to luck/chance. Besides, even if you lack discipline, are overweight, and had a kid, it doesn't mean you can't change and work to better yourself, and make your life better. Sorry that I'm getting into a discussion, and if it's not much help.

Its not that I dont love her, I'm just sick of getting hurt by her constantly.

I'm not having children in the future. My boyfriend got a vasectomy, and I dont see myself being with anyone else but him...

I know that I was loved, but I feel like they should have been more of the 'tough love' kind of parents rather than the 'we're sorry your childhood sucks so we're going to let you get away with EVERYTHING' kind of grandparents that I have.

Since leaving home I've had more discipline and better habits. Job Corps may be a place for the rejects, criminals, and homeless kids (there are some normal people there too, but not many) but while I was there studying Medical Assisting, I put my nose to the grindstone. I never scored anything lower than an 80% on any test. And though I'm the kind of person who doesnt have to study, because I retain information well, I learned that if back in high school I had just done my homework like a good kid, I would have been set for a real college. Also, I lost 50lbs while I was there. Unfortunately I've gained 30lbs back from the pregnancy -.- not too thrilled with that.

[Volrezzo]

nice try jacqueline

Volrezzo

nice try jacqueline

Volrezzo

While you may not get along, you don't necessarily have to give up a relationship with your mom. It may take time, and patience, but it is possible. Other than that, just let her know, politely, that you have everything under control and she needs to stay calm. I think a lot of mothers generally want to get involved with their children/grandchildren, especially around the time of birth. And while they decision of adoption is entirely up to you, you should know you are not your mother, and even while parental tendencies can be picked up they aren't always, and even if you are poor it doesn't mean she will end up in a bad home. Also, while you feel you may have wished to be placed in adoption, I think you can't really say it would have been better. You don't who would have raised you, if you were raised at all, what kind of life you would lead, what kind of friends/lover you would have. Generally I think if I have friends I wouldn't trade for the world, I wouldn't change anything about my life. Err, sorry for the rant.

I dont want a relationship with my mom. She's too much work with very little pay off.

Sometimes I think I wouldnt change a thing. Other times I wish I could change everything. If I had had parents that made me do my homework, parents that were strict with me... I would have been a more disciplined person who would not have found herself in this situation. If my grandparents hadnt tried to over compensate for the fact that my mom would beat me and starve me, I wouldnt be overweight. 8 year olds shouldnt be in charge of their diets. They should be force fed broccoli and told no about McDonalds. If my grandparents had been more forceful about getting my school work done, not just saying "Jackie, do your homework." and actually making sure I did it, I would have been an A+ student. I wouldnt have gone to Job Corps because I wouldnt have spent my college fund on stupid things (of which I have nothing to show for the 10,000 I spent in a matter of 6 months.)

I wish someone would have loved me enough to make me do the right thing even when I didnt want to.

Well, looking in her situation, how would you feel if your daughter didn't love you? Wouldn't you want to try and at least make some sort of relationship? I'm not saying you have to, just don't think you should rule it out. While that all may be the case (some of them are problems I have as well) you at least know what they are and can give that information to the children (if you have more) in the future. While they may not have made you do those things, or taught you about them, it doesn't mean they didn't love you. You have to try to remember that things were different back then as well (I think). Quite a bit of the knowledge we have today didn't exist 20 years ago, and back then they didn't know all the health risks or anything. You also don't know if your other family would have been good or not, just because your sibling had a good experience doesn't mean you would have, it really is all down to luck/chance. Besides, even if you lack discipline, are overweight, and had a kid, it doesn't mean you can't change and work to better yourself, and make your life better. Sorry that I'm getting into a discussion, and if it's not much help.

Its not that I dont love her, I'm just sick of getting hurt by her constantly.

I'm not having children in the future. My boyfriend got a vasectomy, and I dont see myself being with anyone else but him...

I know that I was loved, but I feel like they should have been more of the 'tough love' kind of parents rather than the 'we're sorry your childhood sucks so we're going to let you get away with EVERYTHING' kind of grandparents that I have.

Since leaving home I've had more discipline and better habits. Job Corps may be a place for the rejects, criminals, and homeless kids (there are some normal people there too, but not many) but while I was there studying Medical Assisting, I put my nose to the grindstone. I never scored anything lower than an 80% on any test. And though I'm the kind of person who doesnt have to study, because I retain information well, I learned that if back in high school I had just done my homework like a good kid, I would have been set for a real college. Also, I lost 50lbs while I was there. Unfortunately I've gained 30lbs back from the pregnancy -.- not too thrilled with that.

Ah I see, I guess I misunderstood, sorry, but it may be possible to salvage a relationship in the future, and I know what you mean I've thought about it myself, but even though I didn't get good grades and didn't have an easy ride to college, I don't hold it against my parents at all. I like how I've turned out, and who I am, and I think if I really wanted to, it could have been something I could have forced myself to do. While parenting can help, I have to be responsible for my own actions and I won't blame my parents for my life, and my mistakes.

Also, while you feel like you won't have any more children you may change your mind in the future, you never know, you can always adopt as well, you don't have to give birth razz .

Also, I don't know, I think it depends on the way they give the tough love, and it can be a hard thing to learn, accomplish, master, and work through with a kid. I don't know if you remember your childhood but I know kids can be incredibly tough to deal with, and not everyone has the patience to do what might be best, because they just become so exhausted.

Try not to focus too much on what could have been. Focus on what is, and how you can make it better smile

[iDream version 2]

nice try jacqueline

Also, I lost 50lbs while I was there. Unfortunately I've gained 30lbs back from the pregnancy -.- not too thrilled with that.

Those 30 lbs will disappear. Though that depends if you have a fast metabolism, your eating habits were good throughout the pregnancy, and/or you exercise it off postpartum, so it really shouldn't be that big of a deal.