Parents Judging My BF Need Help Now...

[Valixrae]

Jellyfish Mermaid

My parents are upper class and want me to marry a certain type of guy. No other guy will do, and no they don't have somebody in particular in mind.

I'm at their house for the holidays, and I've told them all about the man I have been dating for the past six months. He is such a gentleman. I'm in a wheelchair, and he helps me in and out of the car with a loving smile, doesn't care if people stare at us when we're out. It makes me cry because he's so accepting and beautiful inside. He also helps local charities, helps his parents with their money troubles and even helps them pay their mortgage. He takes care of his sister's kids when she's at work, too, and he happens to be home.

The first question my parents had for me when I told them about him was: "is he black? You can only date a white man." He is white, so he passed that particular test.

The second question was "where did he go to college?" He didn't. So they started to judge him immediately for this, assuming he's lazy. He isn't. He just can't afford to go right now, his parents need help and so does his sister, etc. He is ambitious and wants to get into the music business, he loves music and plays an instrument. He wants to go to college eventually for music and business.

I told my parents about his ambitions, and particularly my mom said, "that's not good enough. He needs to be able to take care of you." Very old fashioned, as if I can't take care of myself financially.

The next judgement came when I told them he works at Target. Now they won't stop bringing this up, like whenever I talk about him like "oh he'd help you with the dishes I bet" after Christmas dinner. My mom said to this, "you will not marry him as long as he works at Target. You will not marry him as long as he has not gone to college." Now whenever I talk about him she just says these two sentences immediately and that is the end of the conversation.

She says these two things as if he is a convicted criminal.

This man is the nicest, most sincerest man I have ever met in my life. He is a complete angel, devoted to me and lovely in every way. Yet, they hate him because of his education status and his current job, which they see as beneath them.

In a twist of fate, my sister met a man from the air force recently and they had several dates and due to his status in the air force my mom told her to marry him. After two dates. This man treated my sister like s**t, so she's recently broken up with him and now my mom is chasing after her saying she needs to take him back and marry him because he's in the air force, a "good" job to her.

Do you have any advice? I think their behavior is appalling and upsetting, especially my mother's. What do I do?

It's your life, who gives a crap what they say.

As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Family isn't the be all and end all. He will be your family smile

[xXFurygeistXx]

Why does their opinion even matter? It's your life. They don't get a say in who you love, who you date/marry, what you do with yourself. If they aren't behind a guy who loves and respects their child, then they have some ******** up priorities. If you are happy, that is what matters. You can't choose your blood relatives, but you can choose your family. If they aren't willing to let you live your life and make your own decisions, ******** 'em. They don't have to be part of your family. They sound toxic, and there's nothing you can do or say that will change their mind. You can make it clear that this is your choice, you are an adult who makes their own decisions. You love this man. If they can't accept that, then you won't stick around to listen to them be toxic shitheads. They want their kid back in their life, they'll work on changing their viewpoint. If not, well...you don't have to deal with their judgemental bullshit anymore.

[xXFurygeistXx]

Nurse Kipsie

You have to put up with it for the rest of your life or break off the relationship and find a new guy based upon your parent's standards.

I am assuming the later is not an option.

Or you just cut off contact with the toxic parents, since you don't HAVE to keep toxic people in your life, even when they are your parents.

[fubenkunai]

xXFurygeistXx

Nurse Kipsie

You have to put up with it for the rest of your life or break off the relationship and find a new guy based upon your parent's standards.

I am assuming the later is not an option.

Or you just cut off contact with the toxic parents, since you don't HAVE to keep toxic people in your life, even when they are your parents.

That's the nuclear option, but I agree it's on the table. Something Dan Savage likes to say is that once you are grown up, you control the emotional currency with your parents. You are no longer dependent on them, so you don't have to go out of your way to please them. The balance of power has shifted, and they can either learn to treat you as an adult, or not have you in their lives. A milder way to put this is that it's okay to set boundaries with your parents that you would set for anyone else. If you would end a friendship with someone who talked about your boyfriend that way, it's fine to do the same with your parents. If you would rather just end conversations when that friend got negative about your boyfriend, it's fine to do with your parents. They are human, not mythical beings who can do no wrong. You have every right to set boundaries with any and all people in your life, including parents.

That said, if you're not ready to go there, I've had great success with not rising to any bait. Just give them boring, bland responses like, "Huh," "Wow," That is certainly a thing you could say," or "I'll think about it." Then change the subject. For example, your mom starts in on how his career plan sucks, and you can say, "I'll consider your point," even though you won't (because it's crap), and follow it with, "So, how about your favorite hobby/Aunt Sue's vacation/the weather/something neutral." That way, your mom's not getting traction, and you're not getting involved in repeated debates about your boyfriend's worth as a human being. You can also choose to end the conversation after a warning when your mom gets negative. You can be polite about it, but it's fine to hang up the phone or exit the room. She's the one being rude here, not you; there is nothing horrible about leaving a conversation that is offensive and hurtful.

[Lord of the Vine]

Your mother is perfectly entitled to her opinion. As you are perfectly entitled to call her out on her classist bullshit.

If he makes you happy, that's really all that matters.

[Shinju Hashimfo]

→SHINJU FORTUNA←

♥ ♥ Parents will always judge your boyfriends. It's a given. You either have to ignore them or do what they say, but always put your heart first.