Parents Judging My BF Need Help Now...

[Jellyfish Mermaid]

My parents are upper class and want me to marry a certain type of guy. No other guy will do, and no they don't have somebody in particular in mind.

I'm at their house for the holidays, and I've told them all about the man I have been dating for the past six months. He is such a gentleman. I'm in a wheelchair, and he helps me in and out of the car with a loving smile, doesn't care if people stare at us when we're out. It makes me cry because he's so accepting and beautiful inside. He also helps local charities, helps his parents with their money troubles and even helps them pay their mortgage. He takes care of his sister's kids when she's at work, too, and he happens to be home.

The first question my parents had for me when I told them about him was: "is he black? You can only date a white man." He is white, so he passed that particular test.

The second question was "where did he go to college?" He didn't. So they started to judge him immediately for this, assuming he's lazy. He isn't. He just can't afford to go right now, his parents need help and so does his sister, etc. He is ambitious and wants to get into the music business, he loves music and plays an instrument. He wants to go to college eventually for music and business.

I told my parents about his ambitions, and particularly my mom said, "that's not good enough. He needs to be able to take care of you." Very old fashioned, as if I can't take care of myself financially.

The next judgement came when I told them he works at Target. Now they won't stop bringing this up, like whenever I talk about him like "oh he'd help you with the dishes I bet" after Christmas dinner. My mom said to this, "you will not marry him as long as he works at Target. You will not marry him as long as he has not gone to college." Now whenever I talk about him she just says these two sentences immediately and that is the end of the conversation.

She says these two things as if he is a convicted criminal.

This man is the nicest, most sincerest man I have ever met in my life. He is a complete angel, devoted to me and lovely in every way. Yet, they hate him because of his education status and his current job, which they see as beneath them.

In a twist of fate, my sister met a man from the air force recently and they had several dates and due to his status in the air force my mom told her to marry him. After two dates. This man treated my sister like s**t, so she's recently broken up with him and now my mom is chasing after her saying she needs to take him back and marry him because he's in the air force, a "good" job to her.

Do you have any advice? I think their behavior is appalling and upsetting, especially my mother's. What do I do?

[legnanellaf5]

You can never make people like this change their minds, you can only accept it and not let it determine your life. They can say you cannot marry him, but can they really stop you? No. But since they dont accept him, mind that and dont bring him up too often. If they havent met him, I do suggest seeing if that can be done, but I also think that 6 months is a too short of a time to be all seriously talking to your parents about a guy and s**t. So chill on the bf talk.

[Nurse Kipsie]

You have to put up with it for the rest of your life or break off the relationship and find a new guy based upon your parent's standards.

I am assuming the later is not an option.

[GrandpaJones]

Jellyfish Mermaid

My parents are upper class and want me to marry a certain type of guy. No other guy will do, and no they don't have somebody in particular in mind.

I'm at their house for the holidays, and I've told them all about the man I have been dating for the past six months. He is such a gentleman. I'm in a wheelchair, and he helps me in and out of the car with a loving smile, doesn't care if people stare at us when we're out. It makes me cry because he's so accepting and beautiful inside. He also helps local charities, helps his parents with their money troubles and even helps them pay their mortgage. He takes care of his sister's kids when she's at work, too, and he happens to be home.

The first question my parents had for me when I told them about him was: "is he black? You can only date a white man." He is white, so he passed that particular test.

The second question was "where did he go to college?" He didn't. So they started to judge him immediately for this, assuming he's lazy. He isn't. He just can't afford to go right now, his parents need help and so does his sister, etc. He is ambitious and wants to get into the music business, he loves music and plays an instrument. He wants to go to college eventually for music and business.

I told my parents about his ambitions, and particularly my mom said, "that's not good enough. He needs to be able to take care of you." Very old fashioned, as if I can't take care of myself financially.

The next judgement came when I told them he works at Target. Now they won't stop bringing this up, like whenever I talk about him like "oh he'd help you with the dishes I bet" after Christmas dinner. My mom said to this, "you will not marry him as long as he works at Target. You will not marry him as long as he has not gone to college." Now whenever I talk about him she just says these two sentences immediately and that is the end of the conversation.

She says these two things as if he is a convicted criminal.

This man is the nicest, most sincerest man I have ever met in my life. He is a complete angel, devoted to me and lovely in every way. Yet, they hate him because of his education status and his current job, which they see as beneath them.

In a twist of fate, my sister met a man from the air force recently and they had several dates and due to his status in the air force my mom told her to marry him. After two dates. This man treated my sister like s**t, so she's recently broken up with him and now my mom is chasing after her saying she needs to take him back and marry him because he's in the air force, a "good" job to her.

Do you have any advice? I think their behavior is appalling and upsetting, especially my mother's. What do I do?

[a bottle of war]

First, congratulations...he sounds like a wonderful guy, and I'm glad you found each other! heart

Next, you're over 18 and an independent adult. Your parents can be assholes and cut you out of their lives or treat him like s**t when you visit for the holidays, but unless something really goes pear-shaped in your lives, you don't have to live with them.

So when this happens:

Jellyfish Mermaid

My mom said to this, "you will not marry him as long as he works at Target. You will not marry him as long as he has not gone to college."

You may take her opinion "under advisement", but otherwise, you need to do what's right for you. Tough s**t for your mom. Ditto for your sister dumping her guy. It isn't your mom's decision, and why the hell was she pushing for marriage after two lousy dates anyhow?

Was your parents' marriage a matter of convenience, status, and financial matters? Are you guys like some super rich, old money family, or do they just have pretensions to being aristocrats?

I'm thinking there must have been some love in there at some point because it sounds like you and your sister turned out OK...so where is this attitude coming from?

[Jellyfish Mermaid]

a bottle of war

First, congratulations...he sounds like a wonderful guy, and I'm glad you found each other! heart

Next, you're over 18 and an independent adult. Your parents can be assholes and cut you out of their lives or treat him like s**t when you visit for the holidays, but unless something really goes pear-shaped in your lives, you don't have to live with them.

So when this happens:

Jellyfish Mermaid

My mom said to this, "you will not marry him as long as he works at Target. You will not marry him as long as he has not gone to college."

You may take her opinion "under advisement", but otherwise, you need to do what's right for you. Tough s**t for your mom. Ditto for your sister dumping her guy. It isn't your mom's decision, and why the hell was she pushing for marriage after two lousy dates anyhow?

Was your parents' marriage a matter of convenience, status, and financial matters? Are you guys like some super rich, old money family, or do they just have pretensions to being aristocrats?

I'm thinking there must have been some love in there at some point because it sounds like you and your sister turned out OK...so where is this attitude coming from?

Thank you for the congratulations smile

My mom is old money (distant relatives are titled) and my dad is self made and highly educated. They are in love, though. There were some serious objections from my mom's family about her marrying him way back when, too, so I don't get how she doesn't understand my side of this. But I don't know what she's thinking.

I have just done so much in my life to try to impress them both and I thought this nice guy I love would be accepted into our family, but it seems he's destined to be ridiculed and not welcome in their home no matter what we do. It pains me, because he is such a great guy and he doesn't deserve to be treated like s**t by them when we're all equal human beings.

I guess what I really want to know is what can we do to have them treat him well, but I don't think I'll ever get that answer.

[a bottle of war]

Jellyfish Mermaid

a bottle of war

First, congratulations...he sounds like a wonderful guy, and I'm glad you found each other! heart

Next, you're over 18 and an independent adult. Your parents can be assholes and cut you out of their lives or treat him like s**t when you visit for the holidays, but unless something really goes pear-shaped in your lives, you don't have to live with them.

So when this happens:

Jellyfish Mermaid

My mom said to this, "you will not marry him as long as he works at Target. You will not marry him as long as he has not gone to college."

You may take her opinion "under advisement", but otherwise, you need to do what's right for you. Tough s**t for your mom. Ditto for your sister dumping her guy. It isn't your mom's decision, and why the hell was she pushing for marriage after two lousy dates anyhow?

Was your parents' marriage a matter of convenience, status, and financial matters? Are you guys like some super rich, old money family, or do they just have pretensions to being aristocrats?

I'm thinking there must have been some love in there at some point because it sounds like you and your sister turned out OK...so where is this attitude coming from?

Thank you for the congratulations smile

My mom is old money (distant relatives are titled) and my dad is self made and highly educated. They are in love, though. There were some serious objections from my mom's family about her marrying him way back when, too, so I don't get how she doesn't understand my side of this. But I don't know what she's thinking.

I have just done so much in my life to try to impress them both and I thought this nice guy I love would be accepted into our family, but it seems he's destined to be ridiculed and not welcome in their home no matter what we do. It pains me, because he is such a great guy and he doesn't deserve to be treated like s**t by them when we're all equal human beings.

I guess what I really want to know is what can we do to have them treat him well, but I don't think I'll ever get that answer.

I'm really glad to hear your parents are in love, and that they even had a similar situation at the start.

I'm just guessing, but it kinda sounds like your mom's the key.

Could you try talking about this with your dad first? It sounds like there are some pieces to their story you're missing. Maybe there's something about this situation that's struck a nerve with your mother.

Or...are your grandparents on her side still around? Do you have a good relationship with them? Does your dad? Maybe try talking with them to find out what made it work with them.

Once you've gotten a better sense of what might be going on with your mom, consider talking the situation over with her. Don't let on that you've been doing some detective work, just use what you've learned to help her open up.

I understand their concerns. They want what's best for you, and well, with parents, even when you're an adult, they don't see you like that. You're also the little girl who cried when they tried to put her to sleep for the night, who skinned her knee and needed mom to kiss her bandage, who stood by the door frame to get her height marked as she grew.

Raising a child is about knowing when to let go...and sometimes, that's easier than others. This will take some time, and you guys might have to compromise a little in the process.

Hang in there. emotion_hug

[Viets Wifey]

My fiance's parents were kind of shocked by me in the beginning, they were well off and assumed their son would go for a more business savy woman (also I'm older than him so I knew this was all going to be an uphill battle). I let my actions do the speaking though, I'm super supportive of him and I've stuck by through thick and thin and you know something, time does heal these things. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful, he really does, maybe they'll never be in love with the idea of you two being together but give them some time and things might just work out. Have faith that they love you and they mean well but they don't always know what's best for you, let his love shine and hopefully they will see the light. Best of luck for the both of you. smile

[Jellyfish Mermaid]

a bottle of war

I'm really glad to hear your parents are in love, and that they even had a similar situation at the start.

I'm just guessing, but it kinda sounds like your mom's the key.

Could you try talking about this with your dad first? It sounds like there are some pieces to their story you're missing. Maybe there's something about this situation that's struck a nerve with your mother.

Or...are your grandparents on her side still around? Do you have a good relationship with them? Does your dad? Maybe try talking with them to find out what made it work with them.

Once you've gotten a better sense of what might be going on with your mom, consider talking the situation over with her. Don't let on that you've been doing some detective work, just use what you've learned to help her open up.

I understand their concerns. They want what's best for you, and well, with parents, even when you're an adult, they don't see you like that. You're also the little girl who cried when they tried to put her to sleep for the night, who skinned her knee and needed mom to kiss her bandage, who stood by the door frame to get her height marked as she grew.

Raising a child is about knowing when to let go...and sometimes, that's easier than others. This will take some time, and you guys might have to compromise a little in the process.

Hang in there. emotion_hug

My mom is, and has always been, a racist classist and elitist individual. For example, if he'd been black it wouldn't have mattered if he was a Harvard medical school trained heart surgeon from old money, she'd have treated him like trash. My mom is probably thinking my boyfriend is "white trash" because of his educational background and job, even though I've told her repeatedly that his family is upper middle class. Plus, it doesn't matter if he was poor he is still an amazing and decent human being who treats me like a Princess and has for as long as I've known him (for a year) which is what really matters.

But she doesn't see it that way, what matters to her is if he is white, well educated, comes from a good family, and has a high paying and respectable career. The person described could be a piece of s**t who gives me two black eyes every week, doesn't matter to her because to her stuff that goes on at home stays at home, you put on a perfect face at social parties and s**t. In their circle, its all about status and how perfect you are look.

However, since my dad didn't come from all this high class bull, he may be the key. What you said gave me an idea, which is to talk to him about all of this. He's hardly said a word about it (which is pretty typical). I don't think my mom could be moved, but maybe we could have his support I do not know.

I do see myself with this man for a long time, and he is not quite ready for marriage because we are still young. So we have time until we talk about marriage and how that would fit into my family and all. But being the worrywart I am, I am still obsessing over how my parents are reacting to him today since I really do like him and can see myself with him.

Thank you for your help. I wouldn't have thought about going to my dad about this even though it might seem obvious. Thank you again smile

[Stale Taste]

You can't make people do s**t. However, you need to ignore it.

[Dread Chimera]

You are deserving, as is everyone, of parents who respect your capability to determine which life you should lead and whom you should allow into it.

Unfortunately, they must change their own minds about this man, and, more importantly, about you. You are the only person who will ever truly know what brings joy, meaning, and peace to your life. You are also the one to whom these things will always be of primary importance. If you love this man as you say you do, your best course of action may be to make him a significant part of your life, but only you know for certain. It is not the place of your parents nor anyone else to make these decisions.

If denying your love for him means denying yourself meaningfulness and contentment, it is the worst course of action you can take. Regardless of your decision, I hope your parents will come to the realization that it is, in fact, your decision, and support it, but I fear they will not. If that is the case, I wish them luck in the reassessment of their priorities. To reiterate, if denying this relationship means denying yourself happiness, it is the only wrong answer. Humans regret the action untaken far more than we regret that taken poorly.

There is likely nothing that can be done for your parents, but everything which can be done for yourself. I hope for your success and relative ease in seeing this through.

[Tsubahi]

If you and your boyfriend are both past 18, then your parents have NO SAY in making life decisions for you. neutral

If your parents keep behaving like that after you ask them not to nag you like that and that you're capable of making your own choice, maybe you should consider not speaking to them anymore. confused

[MiameMiame]

Yeah went through the same, you can't force change. Just enjoy your time together and accept that this is how your parents see this person.

[SweetiePop]

Why do you care so much about pleasing your parents???? They obviously don't care about giving you basic respect as an adult. He sounds like a gem, I truly hope you're not subjecting him to your parents' crap. He doesn't deserve that. See them 100% less until they can learn to keep their shitty opinions to themselves. They can't? Well then drop the rope with them. You're in an extremely unhealthy relationship with them. Please seek counseling.

[Cutsie Mootsie]

Honey, if he is the sweetest, most loving man you've ever laid your eyes on, and you're in love with him, and he makes you happy, go for it! You're happiness does not come second to your parent's! Good luck! emotion_bigheart