Need reassurance that breaking up was the right choice.

[I am a Disney Princess]

Well, I think the title is self-explanatory.

My boyfriend and I would have been together for three years in March. We live together with his mother, his sister, his sister's ex-boyfriend, and our friend Dan. Yes, I know that it's a weird situation, but I have nowhere else to go right now, and to explain that would take a whole other post. We have separate bedrooms, and I'm not going to be kicked out. I love him very much, I still do, but the last six months of our relationship haven't been very good. We were fighting constantly, we never saw each other except to hang out and watch TV with our roommates, and we hadn't been having sex because I have a pretty intense fear of intimacy. It doesn't help that we both attend university full time, work part time, and have so many roommates.

In spite of all that, we agreed that we were going to try to make it work. At the beginning of the year, at my therapists suggestion, we sat down and blocked out times that were for just the two of us. We agreed to be completely committed during those times (which ended up being Tuesday nights and Wednesday afternoons) and to ask the other permission if something came up during that time, which was supposed to show how we respected it as "our" time and a commitment. My boyfriend never made a Tuesday night. Not once. Every single time, he had to work, even though he chose Tuesday nights because he said that he wouldn't be working. He didn't offer to change it, never let me know ahead of time unless I really forced it out of him by asking when he was working or what time he would be home. However, he has a martial arts club on Thursday nights, which he NEVER misses. Ever. When I brought up that I feel a little resentful because he never misses that but ALWAYS misses our date nights, he just changed the subject and didn't want to acknowledge it. It's not that I begrudge his martial arts club with his friends, because I don't. I just felt like he prioritized it over me, and he thought that was crazy.

He told me a few weeks ago that he "didn't feel motivated to take me on dates because I wasn't sleeping with him". I wasn't sure how true that statement was, but it still made me feel guilty. I know that not having sex with him thing was very weird. I told him I would understand if he wanted to end it, he insisted he was fine staying with me while I worked through it. I told him I would be okay with us being in an open relationship for the time being so that he could have his physical needs met elsewhere while I was figuring my stuff out, he refused. But he was always asking me "are you working on it still? are you working on it still?" which put a lot of pressure on me that I couldn't handle.

I also had a hard time being attracted to him because he acts like a teenager still. He never does his homework, he's failing most of his classes despite wanting to go to medical school, his poor mother can barely pay her bills because she's paying for him to repeat classes two and three times over, because once he does badly on one assignment he just stops going. I know it shouldn't bother me, but my parents refuse to help me out and for him to just shrug his mother's money off like that...it just really gets my goat.

I guess my question is...did I do the right thing breaking up with him? All of our friends are mutual, so they are staying neutral, but I need some reassurance that I am making the right choice. He is a good person and there were great things about our relationship, I just think that right now we need some time apart.

[Miltiades of Athens]

Relationships require effort. If one person isn't willing to put in the time, it becomes extremely difficult to be with someone. The person you're with is first and foremost in your life, above all other concerns. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of the things that you find important for their well-being.

Only you can decide if your decision was right, but it doesn't sound like you were happy. Your significant partner can be a huge element of happiness in your life.

You should never be with someone that makes you feel less than worthwhile, less than important. Not everyone is perfectly compatible, some just recognize this after they're already involved. You could continue feeling the way you do, or you can decide to make a change. Now you see what happens from here.

[Lunar Real Estate Agent]

Sounds like you did to me.

[-Halloween Barbie-]

If he wasn't willing to make time for you, or take out out anywhere just because you weren't putting out, etc are great enough reasons to find someone else who will want to be with you. There's gonna be a man that'll lay down everything if you ask him to just to seek your smile and approval. My husband is like that; so I know they exist. You'll find yours some day as well.

Just not this guy.

[Adelice]

Sex is not like glue , just because you magically have it , it wont fix things just because. But i give you thumbs up for respecting your own body , even if the relationship is suffering.

It all depends on how you can handle things , i have been in awful relationships with immature people thinking i could save them but in the end they never grew up. Even if you speak about the problem , it is ok to place a line and decide what to do, respect yourself.

I know it hurts letting go , but the guilt of having sex while not being ready for it or not in the mood for it is worse. Just a thought , i had to keep up with a extremely immature person for over 3 years of my life , just because i always thought it was a good idea to give them an extra chance because i still loved them in some way.

[I am a Disney Princess]

I don't mean it to sound as though he was trying to pressure me into having sex right now. We had had it towards the beginning of our relationship, but I am a sexual abuse victim (from a prior relationship) and the emotional intimacy in conjunction with the physical was too much for me to handle. I've also never been able to achieve orgasm, which caused me to be physically frustrated by sex as well. But he did put pressure on me to "get over it" faster than I was able, and was treating less nicely because of it, including lashing out and bringing it up when he was upset which I guess is unacceptable also.

[Princess Strawberry Chu]

you can only do so much to make a relationship work. If he is not willing to put forth the same amount of effort as you are then the best thing to do is walk away. I know it is very hard to let go of a long term relationship like that. But you must consider what the pressure is doing to you emotionally. I think you made the right decision sweetie. <3

[Seirya]

First off, you did good.
Hats off to you for keeping your self respect, and you have every right to resent being put behind his club. Whatever he's said, his actions put him as lazy and immature.

Secondly, while some sort of sexual attraction is necessary in a relationship, it doesn't have to be explicitly sexual, so you shouldn't feel guilty about having intimacy issues. A good boyfriend would be there to support you through that, dirty intentions notwithstanding. It sounds like this guy treated you like a kid with a veggie garden, constantly checking to see if his plants were ready to be picked yet and wondering why they were wilting because he forgot to water them.

[zheng_xi18]

tricky situation...seems like you made the right decision. focus on yourself and what you really want in a relationship. taking time to appreciate your own wants is really important smile

[I am a Disney Princess]

So...now he keeps buying me things. He bought me flowers and a video game that I wanted...but keeps storming into my room in the middle of the night to scream at me for being "an emotionless zombie robot" and accusing me of lying to him about my reasons for ending it. Last night I told him I needed space, and he sent me 22 text messages and left me 3 voicemails. He goes from being sad, to being in denial, to being angry. He doesn't understand why I don't feel like 4 a.m. is a good time to discuss things. He even said yesterday that he "doesn't see how this is different from us being together because I still think he wants to sleep with me, I still cringe when he tries to be intimate, and the only thing that's changed is our sleeping arrangements".

I feel guilty and conflicted and his...moodyness is not helping matters. At all.

[Spotofhonesty]

He sounds like he's not trying to give his part in the relationship at all. He also sounds like a spoiled brat with how he's acting. Its clear despite your past trauma and admitted faults toward intimacy and commitment, you've made a attempt to make it work. Move on hun in confidence you did right.

[omlut]

you should of been one of his priorities :/ that's already a red flag right there

i don't know, he did try to make it work but his head seems to be elsewhere.

at least he wasn't chasing after other women.

this whole thing seems complicated, there are reasons to leave and reasons to stay. but you obviously arent happy with him.

[StreetchIck123]

Whats your intimacy issue?

[Kaname_Is_Here]

I think your right about the time apart thing. But it's difficult when you live in those circumstances. I mean, what if he brings a girl home or something? How will you feel then?


I think you need to get away for a bit, maybe spend some time with other friends? Family?


It's a difficult situation, but I don't think you did the wrong thing..
x

[zoe_owen1]

i think you did the right think if hes not guna make an effort to spend time with you and put other thinkg before you then he dnt deserve you and wow i cant imagine hw complicated it would be to live with such a weird selection of ppl lol