My life's a big steaming pile

[LynnFall]

So, I've been depressed a long time. It seems like the more time passes the worse it gets. It seems like it all started about 8 some years ago with my ex. He was manipulative, cheating, abusive, just an all around jerk. But 3 years ago I changed jobs and broke up with him and it seemed like everything was going to be alright. I made really good friends with a co worker and was hoping we'd get together. He said he only liked me as a friend, and that hurt but I wanted to move on so I joined a dating site and started dating a really sweet guy. We dated for over a year but my feelings for my coworker never went away, so feeling guilty I broke things off. Even so I had this stupid hope maybe he'd start liking me. Of course he doesn't. I moved to a different city almost 2 months ago to go to school and actually make something of my life, and get away from my job with him.

To compare how I've felt since moving here is like PMS, but all the time. I'm so depressed all the time. I cry daily, sometimes a few times a day. I don't have any friends, and even though I'm friendly I never seem to click with anyone. All I can think about is wishing I were dead. But this isn't a new feeling, it's just become so frequent in the last while it's become the new normal. I've tried all the practical advice for getting better, and it seems to have the opposite effect. I'm also a strong believer in christianity, and went to a spiritually gifted friend of mine who has helped out another friend in a situation similar to mine. He prayed over me, but it hasn't helped at all. I don't take this as proof it's not real, I just believe it's not God's will to help me, and I'm so lost.

Everyone keeps saying life gets better, just hang on, it'll get better. It doesn't. It never does. Maybe for like 2 seconds and then years and years of depression and misery. I don't want to live anymore. I know my life isn't that bad, but that doesn't seem to change how I feel. There's something seriously wrong with me. I can't go to therapy. I can't afford it, and I just have an extreme aversion to going. I don't even know what I'm looking for at this point. I've mostly lost hope.

[legnanellaf5]

Okay, so the thing is...praying isnt how you get god to help you. You dont pray for god to fix your life. You pray for strength, for the ability to keep going, etc...and then you do s**t. The work is on you, not god. The whole point of 'signs' that god can give you is just things to get you to do s**t already.

You seem to have issues with being on your own. Your main problems come from relatinoships or lack there of, so you need to learn to be okay on your own. Realtionships are not supposed to fill a void. You also arent going to get friendships just like that, and it does sometimes take a bit to find someoen who gets you. But you make friendship with those who are nice and you are social and you do adult s**t to get by and soemtimes you find these friends are deeper than you originally thought.

If you are in school, there are usualyl counseling services to go to for help, and if you are depressed as in the disorder, that is something that you cant just deal with without that kind of help.

[LynnFall]

legnanellaf5

Okay, so the thing is...praying isnt how you get god to help you. You dont pray for god to fix your life. You pray for strength, for the ability to keep going, etc...and then you do s**t. The work is on you, not god. The whole point of 'signs' that god can give you is just things to get you to do s**t already.

You seem to have issues with being on your own. Your main problems come from relatinoships or lack there of, so you need to learn to be okay on your own. Realtionships are not supposed to fill a void. You also arent going to get friendships just like that, and it does sometimes take a bit to find someoen who gets you. But you make friendship with those who are nice and you are social and you do adult s**t to get by and soemtimes you find these friends are deeper than you originally thought.

If you are in school, there are usualyl counseling services to go to for help, and if you are depressed as in the disorder, that is something that you cant just deal with without that kind of help.

I don't just pray for Him to fix everything for me, I ask for things similar to what you said.

I know I have issues being alone, I've never really had a sense of self worth, and while I've purposefully been alone for a lot of years to try and work on it, it never seems to stick.

I said that about making friends because when I started my course everyone in my class were strangers and quickly they've all paired or grouped off except me, I still eat my lunches alone. And yes I've made attempts to sit with others and connect but I have to work really hard to come up with something to say and I feel like I make it awkward for everyone there.

[legnanellaf5]

Althea Lynn

legnanellaf5

Okay, so the thing is...praying isnt how you get god to help you. You dont pray for god to fix your life. You pray for strength, for the ability to keep going, etc...and then you do s**t. The work is on you, not god. The whole point of 'signs' that god can give you is just things to get you to do s**t already.

You seem to have issues with being on your own. Your main problems come from relatinoships or lack there of, so you need to learn to be okay on your own. Realtionships are not supposed to fill a void. You also arent going to get friendships just like that, and it does sometimes take a bit to find someoen who gets you. But you make friendship with those who are nice and you are social and you do adult s**t to get by and soemtimes you find these friends are deeper than you originally thought.

If you are in school, there are usualyl counseling services to go to for help, and if you are depressed as in the disorder, that is something that you cant just deal with without that kind of help.

I don't just pray for Him to fix everything for me, I ask for things similar to what you said.

I know I have issues being alone, I've never really had a sense of self worth, and while I've purposefully been alone for a lot of years to try and work on it, it never seems to stick.

I said that about making friends because when I started my course everyone in my class were strangers and quickly they've all paired or grouped off except me, I still eat my lunches alone. And yes I've made attempts to sit with others and connect but I have to work really hard to come up with something to say and I feel like I make it awkward for everyone there.

Then you cant really say that god isnt helping you, because the trick is that it is never something that you see happening, it is just a way to make you feel better for a bit and have hope.

You need to look at why you dont like yourself. What is the reason behind it? It cant all be the ex, because you have to have something that made you stay in that shitty relationship for 8 years that typically is a sign of low self esteem itself. And it has been 3years since then. If that relatinoship is still haunting you, then there isnt a lot I can say before suggesting therapy again. You need to identify what you have internalized and challenge those thoughts.

For friends, you cant really expect friends through class itself. The only few times personally I got to know someone only through class it was because I had multiple classes with them, and even then that is based on sharing notes together. All of my actual friendships came from being social, joining clubs, talking to people outside of class itself.

Why are you lacking thigns to say? You can usually keep up a convo by asking questions about the person, most peolpe can talk about themselves, and then when you find a relatable thing, say something about that too. Like you are doing that major? I tried out a class in x, found it hard actually, not my thing.

[Sayna_demon_love]

Im sorry you feel this way, I completely understand your situation though. Counseling to me is more like being able to vent, or get out what is stuck in your head. sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't . Co-dependency is a very hard issue for many people. Sometimes it feels unbearable. I myself had to take comfort in family support (even though my family isn't very close) I find what works for me is to stay busy. working as much as possible, or distracting myself with hobbies. It doesn't always help, but it gets me by. If you think you might suffer from a chemical inbalance like a mood disorder or depression, you may be able to get on medications. I don't know where your from or what you have near you. many times there are community counseling oppertunites if you do not have the means to pay for it, they will sometimes waive the payments understanding that not everyone has the means to take care of medical bills. you may have to go to a place like that and claim crisis (which means you get priorty due to your unstable emotional state) im not sure how depressed you are but if you feel suicidal or hopeless it might help to get checked out. Having and maintaining friendships can be hard. a lot of people are selfish and only do whats right for them, and not whats right for there friendships. Making new friends is very hard as well. im not sure your school situation, but maybe try to find someone who seems to have same interests. I have no real advice, but please know your not alone. Things can get better, finding the strength that gets you there is incredibly difficult. sometimes getting involved in group activities or going to a gym, or even volunteering somewhere helps you feel better and can open up new doors to relationships.

at best I can offer only what I had learned. I hope it helps, and if you need someone to talk to you can pm me

[LynnFall]

legnanellaf5

Then you cant really say that god isnt helping you, because the trick is that it is never something that you see happening, it is just a way to make you feel better for a bit and have hope.

You need to look at why you dont like yourself. What is the reason behind it? It cant all be the ex, because you have to have something that made you stay in that shitty relationship for 8 years that typically is a sign of low self esteem itself. And it has been 3years since then. If that relatinoship is still haunting you, then there isnt a lot I can say before suggesting therapy again. You need to identify what you have internalized and challenge those thoughts.

For friends, you cant really expect friends through class itself. The only few times personally I got to know someone only through class it was because I had multiple classes with them, and even then that is based on sharing notes together. All of my actual friendships came from being social, joining clubs, talking to people outside of class itself.

Why are you lacking thigns to say? You can usually keep up a convo by asking questions about the person, most peolpe can talk about themselves, and then when you find a relatable thing, say something about that too. Like you are doing that major? I tried out a class in x, found it hard actually, not my thing.

But I've seen God people change people before. I've seen it in my life before. If it's just a way of feeling better then there is no need for God because people who don't believe can still achieve that. Sorry just my personal thoughts/rant there.

I guess I didn't clarify the relationship only last 4.5 years but it was still a long time. I know I have very low self esteem. I don't think that relationship is really haunting me it just seems like that was a turning point for a lot of negativity in my life. I've had low self esteem pretty much my whole life, when I first started school I always got bullied for being fat or different or whatever. I can't tell you how much I've tried to change my outlook on myself, it just doesn't work. The only way I seem to be able to value myself is when others place value on me, so I try to be a really good friend and then it inevitably backfires when I get neglected.

My class is the same 23 people, we have class together all day every day. We don't have any clubs at school, and I'm too shy to just walk up to someone and introduce myself. I can hardly go up and talk to people in my class and I have way more in common with them and spend lots of time with them.

I get really nervous and can't think of things to say, and I always feel awkward and I think they can sense that. And even if I join in with group conversations I'm the outsider and it eventually goes quiet.

[LynnFall]

Sayna_demon_love

Im sorry you feel this way, I completely understand your situation though. Counseling to me is more like being able to vent, or get out what is stuck in your head. sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't . Co-dependency is a very hard issue for many people. Sometimes it feels unbearable. I myself had to take comfort in family support (even though my family isn't very close) I find what works for me is to stay busy. working as much as possible, or distracting myself with hobbies. It doesn't always help, but it gets me by. If you think you might suffer from a chemical inbalance like a mood disorder or depression, you may be able to get on medications. I don't know where your from or what you have near you. many times there are community counseling oppertunites if you do not have the means to pay for it, they will sometimes waive the payments understanding that not everyone has the means to take care of medical bills. you may have to go to a place like that and claim crisis (which means you get priorty due to your unstable emotional state) im not sure how depressed you are but if you feel suicidal or hopeless it might help to get checked out. Having and maintaining friendships can be hard. a lot of people are selfish and only do whats right for them, and not whats right for there friendships. Making new friends is very hard as well. im not sure your school situation, but maybe try to find someone who seems to have same interests. I have no real advice, but please know your not alone. Things can get better, finding the strength that gets you there is incredibly difficult. sometimes getting involved in group activities or going to a gym, or even volunteering somewhere helps you feel better and can open up new doors to relationships.

at best I can offer only what I had learned. I hope it helps, and if you need someone to talk to you can pm me

I don't have my family close by anymore, but even when I did I found it very hard to open up sometimes. I felt like a complete failure because they all seem like they have their lives together and either wouldn't understand completely or would just be like it'll be okay, it'll get better, we'll pray for you... and it helps a bit but sometimes not enough.

I'd like to stay busy but there really isn't enough for me to do. And it always seems like if I get busy then all I want to do is go home and be alone but then when I am I get lonely and hate my life.

There are counselling services at my school I just... I can't do it sad I don't want to go to someone and be like hey- I wanna kill myself. I don't want to talk about it.

Most people in my class have the same interests, I just have such low self esteem that I can talk myself out of any interaction. I go to the gym, but I don't talk to anyone there. I'm not sure if it matters where I am I just get so scared of talking to people. I never feel like I connect with people.

[legnanellaf5]

Althea Lynn

legnanellaf5

Then you cant really say that god isnt helping you, because the trick is that it is never something that you see happening, it is just a way to make you feel better for a bit and have hope.

You need to look at why you dont like yourself. What is the reason behind it? It cant all be the ex, because you have to have something that made you stay in that shitty relationship for 8 years that typically is a sign of low self esteem itself. And it has been 3years since then. If that relatinoship is still haunting you, then there isnt a lot I can say before suggesting therapy again. You need to identify what you have internalized and challenge those thoughts.

For friends, you cant really expect friends through class itself. The only few times personally I got to know someone only through class it was because I had multiple classes with them, and even then that is based on sharing notes together. All of my actual friendships came from being social, joining clubs, talking to people outside of class itself.

Why are you lacking thigns to say? You can usually keep up a convo by asking questions about the person, most peolpe can talk about themselves, and then when you find a relatable thing, say something about that too. Like you are doing that major? I tried out a class in x, found it hard actually, not my thing.

But I've seen God people change people before. I've seen it in my life before. If it's just a way of feeling better then there is no need for God because people who don't believe can still achieve that. Sorry just my personal thoughts/rant there.

I guess I didn't clarify the relationship only last 4.5 years but it was still a long time. I know I have very low self esteem. I don't think that relationship is really haunting me it just seems like that was a turning point for a lot of negativity in my life. I've had low self esteem pretty much my whole life, when I first started school I always got bullied for being fat or different or whatever. I can't tell you how much I've tried to change my outlook on myself, it just doesn't work. The only way I seem to be able to value myself is when others place value on me, so I try to be a really good friend and then it inevitably backfires when I get neglected.

My class is the same 23 people, we have class together all day every day. We don't have any clubs at school, and I'm too shy to just walk up to someone and introduce myself. I can hardly go up and talk to people in my class and I have way more in common with them and spend lots of time with them.

I get really nervous and can't think of things to say, and I always feel awkward and I think they can sense that. And even if I join in with group conversations I'm the outsider and it eventually goes quiet.

Some people need that hope of the above to make themselves feel better. There is nothing in your religion that says god will literally help you do things, but a lot about basically using him for strength. Your belief in god shoudlnt be all about if he helps you or not though, you dont believe in a god because you want something from them. You believe because you have faith, you pray because you feel it will do good, but you dont wait around for god to fix your s**t. You got the ability to think and be free from the dude, meaning he is going to let you make mistakes to keep you human.

You will have to work on that core issue of that you think you only have value when others say you do. People want an authentic relationship, so you if you try too hard, it gets to be that awkward onesided thing. People can tell when you are awkard, they can tell when you ar trying too much to fit in, and you cant force interaction. It stops being friendly and starts being weird.

If ultimately school isnt getting you anywhere, seek interaction outside of it.

[LynnFall]

legnanellaf5

Some people need that hope of the above to make themselves feel better. There is nothing in your religion that says god will literally help you do things, but a lot about basically using him for strength. Your belief in god shoudlnt be all about if he helps you or not though, you dont believe in a god because you want something from them. You believe because you have faith, you pray because you feel it will do good, but you dont wait around for god to fix your s**t. You got the ability to think and be free from the dude, meaning he is going to let you make mistakes to keep you human.

You will have to work on that core issue of that you think you only have value when others say you do. People want an authentic relationship, so you if you try too hard, it gets to be that awkward onesided thing. People can tell when you are awkard, they can tell when you ar trying too much to fit in, and you cant force interaction. It stops being friendly and starts being weird.

If ultimately school isnt getting you anywhere, seek interaction outside of it.

I never said I expected God to fix all my problems.

I know what my issues are. I don't know how to fix them because I've been trying my whole life with no success.

If I could just wake up and say I love myself and be social I would.

[legnanellaf5]

Althea Lynn

legnanellaf5

Some people need that hope of the above to make themselves feel better. There is nothing in your religion that says god will literally help you do things, but a lot about basically using him for strength. Your belief in god shoudlnt be all about if he helps you or not though, you dont believe in a god because you want something from them. You believe because you have faith, you pray because you feel it will do good, but you dont wait around for god to fix your s**t. You got the ability to think and be free from the dude, meaning he is going to let you make mistakes to keep you human.

You will have to work on that core issue of that you think you only have value when others say you do. People want an authentic relationship, so you if you try too hard, it gets to be that awkward onesided thing. People can tell when you are awkard, they can tell when you ar trying too much to fit in, and you cant force interaction. It stops being friendly and starts being weird.

If ultimately school isnt getting you anywhere, seek interaction outside of it.

I never said I expected God to fix all my problems.

I know what my issues are. I don't know how to fix them because I've been trying my whole life with no success.

If I could just wake up and say I love myself and be social I would.

Im not telling you to just wake up and love yourself tomrrow. Im telling you to look at your behaviour, look at why you think these ways and then challenge yourself. Prove to yourself that you can be better and are worthy of love. this isnt going to be easy. This isnt something you can just fix just like that, and many people need a therapist to help them through blocks. However if you rather just be snippy and shut down advice, Im going to stop giving any.

[LynnFall]

legnanellaf5

Im not telling you to just wake up and love yourself tomrrow. Im telling you to look at your behaviour, look at why you think these ways and then challenge yourself. Prove to yourself that you can be better and are worthy of love. this isnt going to be easy. This isnt something you can just fix just like that, and many people need a therapist to help them through blocks. However if you rather just be snippy and shut down advice, Im going to stop giving any.

Sorry if that came across bad I was having a moment of frustration and hopelessness.

I've tried this a few times on my own with a bit of success I just wish I had more support/guidance. I don't have friends who I can talk to and give me advice on what I should do or encourage me when I'm down.

[legnanellaf5]

Althea Lynn

legnanellaf5

Im not telling you to just wake up and love yourself tomrrow. Im telling you to look at your behaviour, look at why you think these ways and then challenge yourself. Prove to yourself that you can be better and are worthy of love. this isnt going to be easy. This isnt something you can just fix just like that, and many people need a therapist to help them through blocks. However if you rather just be snippy and shut down advice, Im going to stop giving any.

Sorry if that came across bad I was having a moment of frustration and hopelessness.

I've tried this a few times on my own with a bit of success I just wish I had more support/guidance. I don't have friends who I can talk to and give me advice on what I should do or encourage me when I'm down.

Friends are not your therapist, so they can give anecdotal advice but not what you want. You are at the point where the biggest thing you need is a therapist, and you have to be willing to seek that help. Again, your school should have counseling services, the first step is to acknowlegde you cant do it alone and need professionals to help you through things.

[Adversative]

Althea Lynn

There are counselling services at my school I just... I can't do it sad I don't want to go to someone and be like hey- I wanna kill myself. I don't want to talk about it.

Most people in my class have the same interests, I just have such low self esteem that I can talk myself out of any interaction. I go to the gym, but I don't talk to anyone there. I'm not sure if it matters where I am I just get so scared of talking to people. I never feel like I connect with people.

You don't need to talk about everything to a counselor -- you can pick a specific problem you want to work on and go to them for strategies/support. Your social anxiety and feeling like you don't connect might be a really good test problem to see if you like a particular counselor and can work in that framework.

Ways that I've met new people and made new friends in the last few years:
1) science fiction / anime conventions (especially by volunteering at them)
2) meetup groups
3) social dance (contra, swing, salsa, blues)
4) friends of friends -- going to parties and outings as much as possible
5) jobs / housing situations
6) OKCupid (yup, I've totally made new friends off of here -- bit tricky to pull off, though)

Unfortunately, I suspect the reason things haven't gotten substantially better is because the work that you need to do is hard, and scary, and you haven't been able to do it yet. You've been trying lots of things, but not the thing you really need to fix (whatever that might be). I think your best bet is to ask:
1) What am I avoiding or unable to do?
2) How do I make it easier to do so I can do it?

Sometimes things influence each other in weird ways. In the last year, I moved from a house with 10 roommates to an apartment with only 1, and that's made me a lot lonelier. However, I also went from 2 part-time jobs to a really good full-time job, which now means I have money to do stuff like go to the movies with friends, go out to dinner, buy groceries that I actually like, buy clothes I feel attractive in, etc. etc. So if you can't attack a problem head-on, look for things in your life that will make it easier or less stressful.

[xXFurygeistXx]

Whelp, sounds like you have plenty of fertilizer, so it's time to plant some daisies, as my mother likes to say. What you need to do is get into therapy and talk to a psychiatrist. No, the psychiatrist does not handle therapy, they handle the possible medical side of things. No, it's not bad to admit you can't overcome this on your own and you may need combo help of therapy and pills. If your brain refuses to give you the right chemicals in the right quantities, you can't really do much to make it do otherwise. Plus it can do this negative feedback loop thing that just makes it worse. Not saying the pills will cure you or that you shouldn't talk supplemental options with a doctor. But it can help it so you aren't having to fight your own biology on top of the depressed thinking.

So talk to a doc and a therapist. Be open minded to what they suggest. They can help you find a way to work on your depression (which is what it sounds like you are suffering from), teach you coping skills, give you the chance to be able to use said skills and have some success with them, to learn how to kick the negative thinking in the arse and shout positive thoughts at it until it cowers in a corner, to work on your self-esteem, to be there to say "hey I talked to someone new today!" when you are able to achieve that goal if you want to.

You gotta understand, this is gonna take time and a lot of work to help. You sound like you are in depression deep. You don't have to go into the first session and say "hey, I want to kill myself." You will get to a point where you feel comfortable talking about it, or at least finally saying it out loud to another person. They aren't there to judge you, they are there to help. And with depression, the help can take a really long time. Yer battling on a lot of fronts.

And I know, I KNOW it's really hard to admit to all the thoughts roiling around in your head and all the awful thinking. Cuz we're all taught we shouldn't talk about it, that it's all in your head (like that makes it any less of a valid problem???), that we're being overdramatic and making it up, if you admit to being broken you'll be a burden to others. Well you aren't. Depression is a godawful disease, one that some have to fight for a short time, others their entire lives. It drains you so you can't do anything, even on the days you want to. It sucks out your self-esteem until it's easier to be alone in your own head listening to your head go "Why'd you do that you dumbass? You are so useless. You wouldn't be missed." and all the other wonderful lies we tell ourselves and start to believe. It's awful to have to admit you might be broken and that you need help fixing the fundamental foundation of yourself. Because hey, not being a 'burden' is the last thing you had going for you. Last thing you haven't ******** up, your head says. But that's just the depression talking. We all need help sometimes. We all need an objective viewer to help us once in a while. It's okay.

So give counseling or therapy a try. Talk to your doctor. Worst that happens is it doesn't work, you wasted a few hours of your life, back to the same old same old. But if you give it a chance and really work at it, you could surprise yourself. You could open up. You could start realizing that all the negativity has been nothing but a depressed brain telling you lies. That you are worth it. That you can talk to others and connect. If you're scared of not knowing what to say, tell them that! Write stuff down if it helps you order your thoughts. Hell, sometimes when you write down what's on your mind and see it on paper in your handwriting, it's sometimes easier to say "wow that is some heavy bullshit I've been feeding myself." Plus when you write it down, you can actually start to see your progress in a physical form. The point is to get some help. Because right now, fighting it alone isn't working. Getting someone in your corner might be what you need to fight this thing and start seeing results.

[t0xik]

Honestly, it sounds like you're content just the way you are, whether it's something you want to admit or not. You know what you need to do to get better, but instead you complain about your options. If you've been depressed for a while, eventually that is where you're going to feel most secure in your life. Happiness can be scary, as weird as that may sound. It's easier to repeat the same thoughts in your head over and over than to tell yourself something different. Think of it as working out a muscle.

If you truly want to get better, see a therapist. Go to workshops. See if there's any help groups in your area. Volunteer. Call friends and family on a daily basis. Try e-counseling (apparently that's a thing now). Or even just sit in a book store/coffee shop a few times a week so that you can at least be around people without having to talk to them.

No one is going to be able to help you until you are ready to accept it.