My Life. My Story. Your Chance.

[Xx SmexTechWiz xX]

Oh hey there
My name is Miranda & I am 19 years old.
I have been struggling with some problems that after so many years of ignoring them and repression... it's time for some help.

Here is the overall purpose "My Life. My Story. Your Chance:"

From what I remember and what I have been told, I grew up sheltered, neglected, and under a negative influence of those around me. My mother was never home (worked three jobs) and when she was, she wasn't always sober or a proper mother nevertheless. According to my sister (12 years older) our mother abused us or just was never around. I do not have many memories of my childhood, to be honest, particularly because I have repressed it for so long that it ceases to exist. As I got older she learned how to manipulate my thoughts, my feelings, and my decisions. She has raised me to just take being stepped on and that guilt should sway my choices.

My sister was not fond of me and when she had to watch me she usually locked me in my room or would leave me in the trailer alone or to do my own things while she smoked and partied with her friends. She was the rebel child in our home and our mother was very disappointed in her that I was raised to be different... and that meant a little more 'tough love.'

I met my father when I was 12 years old. We started to see each other every other week for 4 hours on Saturdays. All I ever felt like I was to him was a financial burden because he was upset that my mother even took him to court for child custody (in result, he had to sell is Harley motorcycle). We stopped seeing each other after awhile because his life got in the way and he had no place for another child in his life.

I did not think my life was entirely ******** up until I looked back into it. I only had 3 solid best friends growing up and I never fit in. I transferred schools while in third grade (lost those best friends) which just made me an even bigger outcast because I grew up in poverty neighborhood and the school I had to go to was fit for wealthier families. In fact, the first day I went to class I was grouped on by some girls who tore apart my clothes and told me not to return unless I stopped getting my clothes out of dumpsters.

In order to cope, I have been in an "Anger & Depression," "Family Problems Support," and "Anxiety, Anger, Depression in Teenagers" groups in schools. I used to be on medication for depression and anxiety, but it made me more depressed because I was constantly feeling like a pill had to control my life in order for me to be normal.

After graduation I moved out of my mom's place and moved states away for college. When I was rejected from attending a university due to financial complications, my boyfriend took me in and I have been attending a community college. I have been successful in my life so far (National Honor Society, 4.0 GPA, Honor-Roll in HS, Presidential's List) but I still feel that I am falling apart. In fact, I am.

I used to enjoy so many activities and each hobby I have stopped. I don't RP on Gaia anymore, I don't write, take photography, play Runescape, or enjoy music anymore. All I do is go to school and work whenever I can to keep myself busy.

My relationship is falling apart along with myself. I can see that I am wearing my boyfriend down. He tries so hard to make me happy, but no matter what he does, I am not completely satisfied. Even our sex life has suffered because I have not been sexually desired. I can see that is putting a burden on him and that's the last thing I want to do. I love my man and he does make me happy, but it's hard for me to show him how I truly feel because the way I was raised has made me incapable.

I need help. That's where YOU come in.
I need advice.
I need a friend.

I don't want to be depressed anymore and I want to take control of my own life.
Should I go back on the medication?
What should I do and how should I try and make myself feel better?

[SOB GOBLlN]

my advice is to keep going with the therapy and medication
force yourself to do something productive every day, even if its just doing the dishes
dont forget to be a little "selfish" and take care of yourself

i was / am in a situation very similar and thats what worked for me
im still trying to better myself though so ill come back and let ya know if i find anything else

[Azure Poison]

Try new things to keep you busy.
-Netflix
-Keep trying to write
-Explore other art forms
-Read?
-Pick up new hobbies that might interest you
-Volunteer in your community

Try meeting some new people whether it be just friends or new relationship possibilities.
-Go out to a coffee shop
-Just go someplace on a regular basis

If you believe medication would help, it would be a good call.

If you want to talk or vent other random stuff, you can PM me.

[Xx SmexTechWiz xX]

I want to thank everyone who has responded here. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I think most of my problems arise where I do not have anybody to talk to and it puts pressure on my relationship because I overwhelm him with problems.

Here, it's hard to make friends and those 3 best friends I used to have are all caught up in their own lives and live very far from me.

If anyone would like to be friends, please PM me. I will be PMing those who have said I could talk to them.

That will help. smile

[ouija bat]

This all sounds really familiar to me. I've had depression and anxiety issues for most of my life (starting with family issues,) and I've been on and off medications for years. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me!

[vdszbz]

I would continue with therapy. It sounds like you had a shitty childhood and you're having a hard time moving past it. Congrats on doing so well in school though! That's a big achievement you should be proud of. Hopefully that can get you scholarships when moving onto 4 year school.