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Candlelit Warfare's avatar

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I'm conflicted on this issue, and I think it might be better if I get an outsider's perspective on this.

I'm bisexual, and I prefer women. Like many my family are completely against homosexuals in every way shape or form. I've jokingly told my mother once when I was 15 about being gay, and she completely shut me out for days.

Now I don't care about my mom's feelings (as we have a strained relationship as it is), but I do care about my grandmother's. She has always been there for me through thick and thin, and she's never let me down once. But I know if I tell her it will completely crush, humiliate, and disgust her. Thus making both of us unhappy. But if I just don't tell her, then she's happy...and I'm...not.

Should I put my happiness before hers, or should it be the other way around?

I'm so conflicted, so advice would be great.

Thanks!
Petrograd's avatar

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How old are you? Are you currently dependent on your grandmother?

Are you sure she would have such a negative reaction to your sexuality? Do you think she could be more understanding than your mother is?
I mean, how much do you NEED to tell her? Are you dating someone right now? Is she always trying to talk to you about boys? How much do you feel like you need to tell her?

I understand you want to be honest with her about who you are, and that's important. If you feel like you need to tell her, just remind her you're still the same person. You're the same granddaughter she's always had.
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Candlelit Warfare



                    To be bluntly honest, I'd say your happiness is more important than your grandmother's. Of course, I'm not saying her happiness means nothing because I can understand your situation very well. I love my grandmother very much, but I haven't told my grandmother about my sexual orientation either, yet. My aunt had been a "Lesbian", but she married a man, well divorced, and then married another man. So, my grandmother sees "bisexual" to be a phase among "teenagers" nowadays. In any case, I feel realistically your happiness should be put before your grandmother's. I know it's hard, especially dealing with family members you care for deeply. I just feel hiding who I am would leave me with a bittersweet feeling, not mention unhappy. Although.. Are you sure want to outright tell your grandmother now? It will be difficult to handle her reaction to your confession (if it ends up to be negative) and it will take a lot of time for you to accept her opinions, and hopefully move on with your life. I apologize if my advice wasn't much help, but I hope for the best for you and your situation.
Candlelit Warfare's avatar

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Petrograd
How old are you? Are you currently dependent on your grandmother?

Are you sure she would have such a negative reaction to your sexuality? Do you think she could be more understanding than your mother is?


21. I was laid off last month, so I kinda am reliant on here until I find more work.

She worse than my mother about this. She actually considers it the biggest sin one could commit, and just a few months ago we got in this huge argument over me voting for gay marriage.
Candlelit Warfare's avatar

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I mean, how much do you NEED to tell her? Are you dating someone right now? Is she always trying to talk to you about boys? How much do you feel like you need to tell her?

I understand you want to be honest with her about who you are, and that's important. If you feel like you need to tell her, just remind her you're still the same person. You're the same granddaughter she's always had.


Hi, thanks for the advice! As for your question..lately certain people in my family are trying to hook me up with guys that I'm just not attracted to. It's gotten to a point where I've actually had to say, "that I'm just not interested in relationships right now", which is a half truth. I am not interested in a relationship with those boys, but I am interested in a relationship with the right person.

So I've basically made my family think I'm asexual, which is far from the truth.

Because I'm attracted to women more than men, I cannot date like I want to. And if I keep hiding myself in this perpetual closet I'm afraid that it will only make my future love interests consider me a coward or uninterested in a long term relationship.

Anyway, I feel like I should tell her soon (at least within this year), in order to keep whatever sanity I have left through all of this.

It's a situation where not everybody wins, but I'm sick of losing.
Candlelit Warfare's avatar

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afternoon popsicles
Candlelit Warfare



                    To be bluntly honest, I'd say your happiness is more important than your grandmother's. Of course, I'm not saying her happiness means nothing because I can understand your situation very well. I love my grandmother very much, but I haven't told my grandmother about my sexual orientation either, yet. My aunt had been a "Lesbian", but she married a man, well divorced, and then married another man. So, my grandmother sees "bisexual" to be a phase among "teenagers" nowadays. In any case, I feel realistically your happiness should be put before your grandmother's. I know it's hard, especially dealing with family members you care for deeply. I just feel hiding who I am would leave me with a bittersweet feeling, not mention unhappy. Although.. Are you sure want to outright tell your grandmother now? It will be difficult to handle her reaction to your confession (if it ends up to be negative) and it will take a lot of time for you to accept her opinions, and hopefully move on with your life. I apologize if my advice wasn't much help, but I hope for the best for you and your situation.


Thank you so much for this! Despite it being fairly bittersweet (given the circumstances), I'm glad to know that someone in this world understands. Makes everything less....icky.

I feel like if I do not come out of the closet soon (especially at a time where I'm definitely ready for a relationship), that any future love interests that comes my way will consider me a coward and will think that I'm not serious about a relationship. So I feel like it should happen soon, because I'm honestly becoming increasingly suicidal because of it. Just the mere thought of her not accepting me kills me inside, but I know its going to happen. She won't accept me after that, which makes me wonder if she had ever loved me at all...

I'm so tired of being sad, and hiding from myself. So maybe I should consider my own happiness first...

P.S. I LOVE your China cosplay! :3
Inscriven's avatar

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Your happiness is more important, however you need to be pragmatic. You do not want to isolate yourself from sources of support right now, so dont' say anything that will jeapordize that until you are fully on your feet again.

Also, how is you liking the v****a at all relevant to your relationship with your grandmother? If she's that conservative then you shouldn't be talking to her about your sexuality at all because it's highly inappropriate on a social level.
Candlelit Warfare's avatar

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Inscriven
Your happiness is more important, however you need to be pragmatic. You do not want to isolate yourself from sources of support right now, so dont' say anything that will jeapordize that until you are fully on your feet again.

Also, how is you liking the v****a at all relevant to your relationship with your grandmother? If she's that conservative then you shouldn't be talking to her about your sexuality at all because it's highly inappropriate on a social level.


Well, I would like for my family to meet my future love, and despite what gender I would like them to accept our relationship. So telling my grandma would give me that sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe she might accept it later on. But I also hate hiding myself. I don't know if you've ever felt it, but hiding your sexuality on a daily basis is difficult. I see girls I would absolutely LOVE to flirt with, but if there is any family member/acquittance/family friend around me I know that they most likely won't be so welcoming about it. AND I would like to have told my grandma about this girl I adored, but couldn't simply because she would have probably disowned me on the spot if I had.

I understand what you are saying...I just wish she wasn't so conservative so I could be me (all of me, that is) around her. Instead of this supposedly "asexual" grand daugther, anyway.

I don't know its all a mess really. But thanks all the same.
Candlelit Warfare
freelance lover
I mean, how much do you NEED to tell her? Are you dating someone right now? Is she always trying to talk to you about boys? How much do you feel like you need to tell her?

I understand you want to be honest with her about who you are, and that's important. If you feel like you need to tell her, just remind her you're still the same person. You're the same granddaughter she's always had.


Hi, thanks for the advice! As for your question..lately certain people in my family are trying to hook me up with guys that I'm just not attracted to. It's gotten to a point where I've actually had to say, "that I'm just not interested in relationships right now", which is a half truth. I am not interested in a relationship with those boys, but I am interested in a relationship with the right person.

So I've basically made my family think I'm asexual, which is far from the truth.

Because I'm attracted to women more than men, I cannot date like I want to. And if I keep hiding myself in this perpetual closet I'm afraid that it will only make my future love interests consider me a coward or uninterested in a long term relationship.

Anyway, I feel like I should tell her soon (at least within this year), in order to keep whatever sanity I have left through all of this.

It's a situation where not everybody wins, but I'm sick of losing.


I don't think you saying "I'm not interested in that guy/a relationship" makes you sound asexual. There are periods in everyone's life where a relationship has to take a back seat. If they keep trying to hook you up, just keep reiterating you're not interested in them/a relationship.

Were I in your situation, I probably would just carry on dating as I liked and only tell them if I got into a serious relationship. One where I saw a future. That's how I've always sort of been with my family though. My mom didn't know about my boyfriend until we'd been dating about 5 months, my dad almost a year.

That being said, just because it's the right choice for me, it's not the right choice for everyone. At a point you need to be honest about who you are. Again, remind them you're the same person. One aspect who who you are shouldn't color their entire perception of you. You're more than your sexuality, after all.
Candlelit Warfare's avatar

Newbie Hunter

freelance lover
Candlelit Warfare
freelance lover
I mean, how much do you NEED to tell her? Are you dating someone right now? Is she always trying to talk to you about boys? How much do you feel like you need to tell her?

I understand you want to be honest with her about who you are, and that's important. If you feel like you need to tell her, just remind her you're still the same person. You're the same granddaughter she's always had.


Hi, thanks for the advice! As for your question..lately certain people in my family are trying to hook me up with guys that I'm just not attracted to. It's gotten to a point where I've actually had to say, "that I'm just not interested in relationships right now", which is a half truth. I am not interested in a relationship with those boys, but I am interested in a relationship with the right person.

So I've basically made my family think I'm asexual, which is far from the truth.

Because I'm attracted to women more than men, I cannot date like I want to. And if I keep hiding myself in this perpetual closet I'm afraid that it will only make my future love interests consider me a coward or uninterested in a long term relationship.

Anyway, I feel like I should tell her soon (at least within this year), in order to keep whatever sanity I have left through all of this.

It's a situation where not everybody wins, but I'm sick of losing.


I don't think you saying "I'm not interested in that guy/a relationship" makes you sound asexual. There are periods in everyone's life where a relationship has to take a back seat. If they keep trying to hook you up, just keep reiterating you're not interested in them/a relationship.

Were I in your situation, I probably would just carry on dating as I liked and only tell them if I got into a serious relationship. One where I saw a future. That's how I've always sort of been with my family though. My mom didn't know about my boyfriend until we'd been dating about 5 months, my dad almost a year.

That being said, just because it's the right choice for me, it's not the right choice for everyone. At a point you need to be honest about who you are. Again, remind them you're the same person. One aspect who who you are shouldn't color their entire perception of you. You're more than your sexuality, after all.


Well, I've never openly showed any interest to anyone in front of any of my family, simply because I knew these things would occur sooner or later, and I would have preferred much much later (if never were an option). I think it's more of an arranged marriage to them than they would like to ever openly say.

But anyway....thank you so very much for all of this wonderful advice! I'll just wait until I'm in a serious relationship...and I suppose everything else will fall into place somehow or another. Even if I have to take a pair of scissors to the puzzle, I'm sure things will get better eventually.

Thank you!
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I think your happiness should come first. If they really love you then they will eventually get over it if they dont then screw them you are better off without them.
Petrograd's avatar

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Candlelit Warfare
21. I was laid off last month, so I kinda am reliant on here until I find more work.

She worse than my mother about this. She actually considers it the biggest sin one could commit, and just a few months ago we got in this huge argument over me voting for gay marriage.

Then I would not tell her... at least not til you're out of there. I would focus on getting out though.

As for how to handle the guys she sends your way you could say you'd prefer to get settled (eg get a job, your own place) before you date and/or get into a relationship with anyone. That could help stall them until you get out of there.
Don't say anything until you have moved out, got a job and a place of your own.
Then I would tell your mother and grandmother you are lesbian.
Let them know you love them and you hope they can respect and love you in return.
If they can not do that; cut them out of your life.
They will then have a choice: keep the relationship and work through their issues or stay away.

My fiance cut off his mother and we have never spoken to her since, she sees herself as right and blindly waits for the day my fiance will say "you're right mommy dear." Which isn't happening ever. Though she is psychotic and abusive. But you see the point.

As to how to keep the men away just say you want a job and to settle down first before dating. Jokingly say "Come on I'm 21, I don't need a cupid I need a job.~" Or something humurous.

At the end of the day the choice will be: Have you in their lives and accept you for you or let you keep them cut off and they lose you forever. Because they will expect you to change your mind and come running back. You need to let them know you wont.

Of course say you don't want to resort to that but if you have to you will.

Your happiness first. My grand-mother is "eh" about sexuality and is friends with lesbians but doesn't approve but doesn't say bad things either, even if she disagrees with it. Which I can happily live with. SHe just wants me happy and doesn't meddle. She didn't like my fiance at first due to harsh background but now likes him.

Besides when you have your own home it is your rules. WHen I visit my mother; her rules. WHen she comes to my place my rules. Common respect. Something your family long as they want to be in your life and not "we'll be in your life if you live our way" you'll pull through.

Good luck!
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If that's who you truly are, the you should be able to be you and tell them to go screw. Unless you're dependent on them (living there, no car, no money, etc), I'd try and keep it on the DL.
And if you're under 18 this is most likely a phase anyways and I wouldn't get too carried away with it.

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