Red Coathanger
(?)Community Member
- Posted: Tue, 01 May 2012 19:22:23 +0000
TL;DR in bold
A little background: My boyfriend is 20, and I am his second girlfriend. He was in a relationship with his first girlfriend for about a year and a half, and they were best friends before they dated. He got to (as far as I know) second base with her before they broke up, and that was nearing the end of their relationship. Their relationship was mostly platonic, and they weren't particular physical until the last half a year of their relationship.
I am turning 21 in about a month. He is my first boyfriend. Until I started dating him, I had absolutely zero relationship experience--no innocent preteen dating in middle school, no first kiss, no anything. Considering my age, having never dated was kind of... abnormal. So, despite the fact that my boyfriend didn't go TOO far with his ex, he still has a LOT more experience than I do.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I told him all of this, and how I was new to relationships, had no experience, and that the whole idea made me very nervous. He promised to take things slowly and to not pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do.
It's been 7 months and the farthest we've gone is me giving him a handjob. (And please, spare me the comments about how I need to grow up and how, given our age, I'm a horrible girlfriend for making him wait this long and that most people would have had sex a long time ago. Please take my first-relationship anxieties into consideration.)
Let me go back a bit.
Every time we've "advanced" in our relationship (e.g. moving to first and second base) was always at my boyfriend's initiative, and every time we tried something new I never felt that I was completely ready for it and felt guilty afterward. It wasn't until we had done these things a few times before I started to feel comfortable and started to enjoy them.
When I explained to my boyfriend that I felt like he was pressuring me into things that I didn't think I was ready to do, his response was "I think the thing with you is that you're just not used to these things so the best way to get you comfortable is to just keep doing it. Relationships make you nervous so I don't think you're ever going to admit on your own that you're ready to try something different so I try to ease you into them without much pressure."
Thing is, I WANT to be to one who decides if I'm ready or not. I want my first time doing something to be enjoyable, not nerve-wracking and revolting.
My boyfriend is right that over time I grow more comfortable with these things, but still. The first time we made out, I felt guilty. The first time he felt me up, I felt guilty. The first time I gave him a handjob, I felt EXTREMELY guilty.
And the handjob thing? I'm still not completely comfortable with it. But, at the same time, it makes my boyfriend feel good, so that often outweighs the discomfort. So good, in fact, that he wants them all the time. The problem here? Despite the number of times I've done it, I haven't "gotten over it" like my boyfriend theorizes.
One night after feeling particularly guilty, I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it. He was devastated, and rolled over in bed, and told me how bad he felt. At the same time, he explained that he also felt guilty for "wanting this for a long time" and how he "thought I was ready." He then told me that before I started giving him handjobs, he was very bored with the physical aspect of our relationship. This hurt me, because, to be honest, I'm perfectly fine simply making out with him with no excessive touching and feeling in other areas (and this is probably explained by the fact that he's my first boyfriend and I'm new to the whole thing in general, while he got physical with his ex, and I guess doesn't find the more innocent things as exciting anymore.)
So right now, basically, I'm feeling horrible because the only thing my boyfriend particularly enjoys about the physical part of our relationship is something that I'm not comfortable doing, and now I feel like the only way to make him happy is to give in and just give these things to him. I don't want to think that he's being emotionally manipulative, but I just can't stand the thought of forcing him to do things that bore him. At the same time, I don't think it's fair that I should have to go farther than what makes me comfortable. At the same time, I feel horrible for not giving him enough, and that there's something wrong with me because, seriously, I'm 21 years old and I'm still a virgin.
I'm just sick of feeling like every time I suck it up and give him what he wants he's just going to want more about a week down the line and that the whole "I'm uncomfortable. Okay, well, let's just do it anyway and I'll get used to it," cycle starts all over again, only for my boyfriend to get bored by the time I AM comfortable.
And then there's the fact that I am wicked jealous of his relationship with his ex. He was more than willing to have a platonic relationship with her for almost a year, yet with me it's constant "Let's try this. Please? Okay... if you're not ready, that's cool... what we're doing right now doesn't interest me, though." And I understand that he's a guy and he's still a virgin and he gets these urges, but still, I wish he had the same patience with me that he did with her.
TL;DR: My boyfriend says he is bored with the physical parts of our relationship and feels guilty for wanting to go father. I, however, am perfectly content going slowly, and actually regret going as far as we have,
Any advice?
A little background: My boyfriend is 20, and I am his second girlfriend. He was in a relationship with his first girlfriend for about a year and a half, and they were best friends before they dated. He got to (as far as I know) second base with her before they broke up, and that was nearing the end of their relationship. Their relationship was mostly platonic, and they weren't particular physical until the last half a year of their relationship.
I am turning 21 in about a month. He is my first boyfriend. Until I started dating him, I had absolutely zero relationship experience--no innocent preteen dating in middle school, no first kiss, no anything. Considering my age, having never dated was kind of... abnormal. So, despite the fact that my boyfriend didn't go TOO far with his ex, he still has a LOT more experience than I do.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I told him all of this, and how I was new to relationships, had no experience, and that the whole idea made me very nervous. He promised to take things slowly and to not pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do.
It's been 7 months and the farthest we've gone is me giving him a handjob. (And please, spare me the comments about how I need to grow up and how, given our age, I'm a horrible girlfriend for making him wait this long and that most people would have had sex a long time ago. Please take my first-relationship anxieties into consideration.)
Let me go back a bit.
Every time we've "advanced" in our relationship (e.g. moving to first and second base) was always at my boyfriend's initiative, and every time we tried something new I never felt that I was completely ready for it and felt guilty afterward. It wasn't until we had done these things a few times before I started to feel comfortable and started to enjoy them.
When I explained to my boyfriend that I felt like he was pressuring me into things that I didn't think I was ready to do, his response was "I think the thing with you is that you're just not used to these things so the best way to get you comfortable is to just keep doing it. Relationships make you nervous so I don't think you're ever going to admit on your own that you're ready to try something different so I try to ease you into them without much pressure."
Thing is, I WANT to be to one who decides if I'm ready or not. I want my first time doing something to be enjoyable, not nerve-wracking and revolting.
My boyfriend is right that over time I grow more comfortable with these things, but still. The first time we made out, I felt guilty. The first time he felt me up, I felt guilty. The first time I gave him a handjob, I felt EXTREMELY guilty.
And the handjob thing? I'm still not completely comfortable with it. But, at the same time, it makes my boyfriend feel good, so that often outweighs the discomfort. So good, in fact, that he wants them all the time. The problem here? Despite the number of times I've done it, I haven't "gotten over it" like my boyfriend theorizes.
One night after feeling particularly guilty, I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it. He was devastated, and rolled over in bed, and told me how bad he felt. At the same time, he explained that he also felt guilty for "wanting this for a long time" and how he "thought I was ready." He then told me that before I started giving him handjobs, he was very bored with the physical aspect of our relationship. This hurt me, because, to be honest, I'm perfectly fine simply making out with him with no excessive touching and feeling in other areas (and this is probably explained by the fact that he's my first boyfriend and I'm new to the whole thing in general, while he got physical with his ex, and I guess doesn't find the more innocent things as exciting anymore.)
So right now, basically, I'm feeling horrible because the only thing my boyfriend particularly enjoys about the physical part of our relationship is something that I'm not comfortable doing, and now I feel like the only way to make him happy is to give in and just give these things to him. I don't want to think that he's being emotionally manipulative, but I just can't stand the thought of forcing him to do things that bore him. At the same time, I don't think it's fair that I should have to go farther than what makes me comfortable. At the same time, I feel horrible for not giving him enough, and that there's something wrong with me because, seriously, I'm 21 years old and I'm still a virgin.
I'm just sick of feeling like every time I suck it up and give him what he wants he's just going to want more about a week down the line and that the whole "I'm uncomfortable. Okay, well, let's just do it anyway and I'll get used to it," cycle starts all over again, only for my boyfriend to get bored by the time I AM comfortable.
And then there's the fact that I am wicked jealous of his relationship with his ex. He was more than willing to have a platonic relationship with her for almost a year, yet with me it's constant "Let's try this. Please? Okay... if you're not ready, that's cool... what we're doing right now doesn't interest me, though." And I understand that he's a guy and he's still a virgin and he gets these urges, but still, I wish he had the same patience with me that he did with her.
TL;DR: My boyfriend says he is bored with the physical parts of our relationship and feels guilty for wanting to go father. I, however, am perfectly content going slowly, and actually regret going as far as we have,
Any advice?