My best friend slept with my ex- UPDATE

[LizualKei]

StreetchIck123

I've dated my friend's ex and I've had friends date my ex.

It hurt, but i got over it because really it isn't none of my business.

Plus, she said she was OKAY when SHE REALLY WASN'T when I dated her ex. Really, I don't care. She was the idiot who didn't say it but even if she was honest it really wouldn't matter to me.

It's their relationship. You are NO LONGER DATING HIM. You need to just get over it and move on.

It isn't weird, actually this is more common than you think.

When I said "weird" I was talking about the bigger picture. A lot of stuff I didn't mention in my opening post. Like my ex is actually her ex boyfriends best friend. So, my friend cheated on her boyfriend with his best friend. But it turns out my friend and ex have always had crushed on each other, but were always in relationships. And the boyfriend also cheated on my friend with one of her friends. Kinda seems like a lot of friends not having respect for friends relationships. But I could be wrong, that's just my take based on what happened.

[SuccubusDemise]

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

Yes but when it comes to feelings of the heart, she has a million other men she could go for and he has a million other women he could go for, why would he just so happen to pick her best friend.
The relationship might not even work out and it's not worth losing friendships. And if your friend thinks it is, then they're probably not really your friend.

It is only going to end up in a lost friendship if the op cant get over herself. There is no reason to feel like you own your ex or have a say in who he or your firends date, and if there are a million other men why cant you expect the op to live up to that too? Why does she have to pine over a guy she cant have when its been over for almost a year?

If you think this is worth cutting your friend out of your life over then YOU arent really a friend.

The thing is I can actually relate to the OP. But then again me and my friends have an unspoken pact about those sorts of things. Maybe because I'm 22 I see things differently, and Yeah you're sort of right, but I wouldn't do that to a friend, ever.

Saying you are 22 doesnt mean much, it isnt like you are much older than me (Im 21), and other people who agree with me are older than you. Dont throw age around like that. Unspoken pacts arent a thing, if you ended a friendship because you were too jealous to get over an ex, that is saying something about YOU not them. If you want a 'pact' use your words not just hope people will read your mind.

lol " Throwing around my age". I wasn't throwing around my age, I was saying when you're over the age of 20 relationships are different and a lot more serious, when you can actually feel love.
All I can say is you're probably on the other side of this argument, falling inlove with one of your own friend ex's. You have your opinion and I have mine, I have learned those friends aren't worth keeping around, and if you do, they'll probably end one day sleeping with your husband.

I have never done anything to my friend's exes, so no Im not on the other side in practice. I just am rational about what is acceptable to expect in a friendship and what is not. Trying to micromanage and control your friend's actions is NOT okay. Nor does someone choosing to have sex with a guy who USED to ******** you mean they will be the other woman. All you are doing is showing that you are insecure, not that your relationship are serious because you are an adult.

You arent a friend worth keeping around. That is all.

You don't know that. I'm a wonderful person and friend. I just know that I wouldn't want to hurt myself and put myself through seeing someone I loved with another person that I'm so close with., That might just be me. I'm not saying that my friends cant be with people I've been with before because it's inevitable, I'm saying that if I truly still had deep emotional feelings for a person, I'd hope that my friends wouldn't break my heart. Which they haven't, And I haven't theres. Meaning I'm actually a good friend. (';

Why would any good friend hurt another good friends feelings.

[StreetchIck123]

LizualKei

StreetchIck123

I've dated my friend's ex and I've had friends date my ex.

It hurt, but i got over it because really it isn't none of my business.

Plus, she said she was OKAY when SHE REALLY WASN'T when I dated her ex. Really, I don't care. She was the idiot who didn't say it but even if she was honest it really wouldn't matter to me.

It's their relationship. You are NO LONGER DATING HIM. You need to just get over it and move on.

It isn't weird, actually this is more common than you think.

When I said "weird" I was talking about the bigger picture. A lot of stuff I didn't mention in my opening post. Like my ex is actually her ex boyfriends best friend. So, my friend cheated on her boyfriend with his best friend. But it turns out my friend and ex have always had crushed on each other, but were always in relationships. And the boyfriend also cheated on my friend with one of her friends. Kinda seems like a lot of friends not having respect for friends relationships. But I could be wrong, that's just my take based on what happened.

There is no friendship girl/ boy code in reality. It's all a bunch of crap. It may be frown upon, but it's not legal.

I don't really see anything that's associated with you. It's her business. If she wants to get ******** over or whatever it's fine by all means.

This is literally the s**t I saw all the the time when I was in high school. It's pointless and honestly you should end the friendship because apparently it really bothers you that much. if you want to continue being her friend, you should remove contact for awhile until your ready to handle their relationship.

EDIT: Actually ditch your friend. Not because she's dating your ex, but the fact that she accepts "cheating" on her bf. It's not your business, but the morality of hurting people like that is just wrong.

[Blackrose_Knight]

SuccubusDemise

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

The thing is I can actually relate to the OP. But then again me and my friends have an unspoken pact about those sorts of things. Maybe because I'm 22 I see things differently, and Yeah you're sort of right, but I wouldn't do that to a friend, ever.

Saying you are 22 doesnt mean much, it isnt like you are much older than me (Im 21), and other people who agree with me are older than you. Dont throw age around like that. Unspoken pacts arent a thing, if you ended a friendship because you were too jealous to get over an ex, that is saying something about YOU not them. If you want a 'pact' use your words not just hope people will read your mind.

lol " Throwing around my age". I wasn't throwing around my age, I was saying when you're over the age of 20 relationships are different and a lot more serious, when you can actually feel love.
All I can say is you're probably on the other side of this argument, falling inlove with one of your own friend ex's. You have your opinion and I have mine, I have learned those friends aren't worth keeping around, and if you do, they'll probably end one day sleeping with your husband.

I have never done anything to my friend's exes, so no Im not on the other side in practice. I just am rational about what is acceptable to expect in a friendship and what is not. Trying to micromanage and control your friend's actions is NOT okay. Nor does someone choosing to have sex with a guy who USED to ******** you mean they will be the other woman. All you are doing is showing that you are insecure, not that your relationship are serious because you are an adult.

You arent a friend worth keeping around. That is all.

You don't know that. I'm a wonderful person and friend. I just know that I wouldn't want to hurt myself and put myself through seeing someone I loved with another person that I'm so close with., That might just be me. I'm not saying that my friends cant be with people I've been with before because it's inevitable, I'm saying that if I truly still had deep emotional feelings for a person, I'd hope that my friends wouldn't break my heart. Which they haven't, And I haven't theres. Meaning I'm actually a good friend. (';

Why would any good friend hurt another good friends feelings.

I am with Angel on this one, you aren't a good friend if you try to control your friend's romantic relationships. I can understand not hanging around a person because they are dating an ex you are still hung up on, but you got to own that as your s**t, to deal with. Its your emotional baggage to push through, your responsibility to get over your ex. Like Angel said, its micromanaging to say "don't date them because I am not over him"

This is all about strapping on your adult underwear and owning your own emotional baggage, and emotional bullshit.

[SuccubusDemise]

Blackrose_Knight

SuccubusDemise

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

legnanellaf5

SuccubusDemise

The thing is I can actually relate to the OP. But then again me and my friends have an unspoken pact about those sorts of things. Maybe because I'm 22 I see things differently, and Yeah you're sort of right, but I wouldn't do that to a friend, ever.

Saying you are 22 doesnt mean much, it isnt like you are much older than me (Im 21), and other people who agree with me are older than you. Dont throw age around like that. Unspoken pacts arent a thing, if you ended a friendship because you were too jealous to get over an ex, that is saying something about YOU not them. If you want a 'pact' use your words not just hope people will read your mind.

lol " Throwing around my age". I wasn't throwing around my age, I was saying when you're over the age of 20 relationships are different and a lot more serious, when you can actually feel love.
All I can say is you're probably on the other side of this argument, falling inlove with one of your own friend ex's. You have your opinion and I have mine, I have learned those friends aren't worth keeping around, and if you do, they'll probably end one day sleeping with your husband.

I have never done anything to my friend's exes, so no Im not on the other side in practice. I just am rational about what is acceptable to expect in a friendship and what is not. Trying to micromanage and control your friend's actions is NOT okay. Nor does someone choosing to have sex with a guy who USED to ******** you mean they will be the other woman. All you are doing is showing that you are insecure, not that your relationship are serious because you are an adult.

You arent a friend worth keeping around. That is all.

You don't know that. I'm a wonderful person and friend. I just know that I wouldn't want to hurt myself and put myself through seeing someone I loved with another person that I'm so close with., That might just be me. I'm not saying that my friends cant be with people I've been with before because it's inevitable, I'm saying that if I truly still had deep emotional feelings for a person, I'd hope that my friends wouldn't break my heart. Which they haven't, And I haven't theres. Meaning I'm actually a good friend. (';

Why would any good friend hurt another good friends feelings.

I am with Angel on this one, you aren't a good friend if you try to control your friend's romantic relationships. I can understand not hanging around a person because they are dating an ex you are still hung up on, but you got to own that as your s**t, to deal with. Its your emotional baggage to push through, your responsibility to get over your ex. Like Angel said, its micromanaging to say "don't date them because I am not over him"

This is all about strapping on your adult underwear and owning your own emotional baggage, and emotional bullshit.

I understand that, But I just wouldn't go out of my way to hurt my friends. I'd just find someone else I was compatible with. It has to do with trust. You'd hope you could trust your friends not to sneak around with someone you care about and have been with since breaking up. I don't know my friends are different then yours, Compassion runs deep for me so I could never hurt one of my friends like that.

If I asked, and they said they still cared about said person, that would be the end of that.
I wouldn't want to flaunt my friends failed relationship in her face.

[Blackrose_Knight]

SuccubusDemise

I understand that, But I just wouldn't go out of my way to hurt my friends. I'd just find someone else I was compatible with. It has to do with trust. You'd hope you could trust your friends not to sneak around with someone you care about and have been with since breaking up. I don't know my friends are different then yours, Compassion runs deep for me so I could never hurt one of my friends like that.

If I asked, and they said they still cared about said person, that would be the end of that.
I wouldn't want to flaunt my friends failed relationship in her face.

Would you really find someone else to love. I deeply, and honestly doubt that. I think you like to think you would, but I think when placed in the situation of being head over heels for someone your friend has a baggage with, I think you will see this differently.

I trust my friends to tell me the truth, and allow me to get over my own s**t. In my own little insular dating circle (polyamorous folk in my general area) EVERYONE is dating SOMEONE'S ex. Its the inherent nature of small dating pools. We get over ourselves real quick, and learn to manage our s**t/baggage.

Thing is, you aren't hurting your friend, you are not the cause of the pain if you are with someone they have baggage with. YOUR FRIEND is a singular cause of their pain, the singular cause of their OWN SUFFERING. They have not gotten over their baggage, its THEIR problem, not YOURS. You don't own that pain, your friend does and its THEIR SPECIFIC RESPONSIBILITY to work through them.

Your job is to be truthful to your friends, and respectful of their need to work through their own emotional bullshit.

[Emrinne]

Blackrose_Knight

SuccubusDemise

I understand that, But I just wouldn't go out of my way to hurt my friends. I'd just find someone else I was compatible with. It has to do with trust. You'd hope you could trust your friends not to sneak around with someone you care about and have been with since breaking up. I don't know my friends are different then yours, Compassion runs deep for me so I could never hurt one of my friends like that.

If I asked, and they said they still cared about said person, that would be the end of that.
I wouldn't want to flaunt my friends failed relationship in her face.

Would you really find someone else to love. I deeply, and honestly doubt that. I think you like to think you would, but I think when placed in the situation of being head over heels for someone your friend has a baggage with, I think you will see this differently.

I trust my friends to tell me the truth, and allow me to get over my own s**t. In my own little insular dating circle (polyamorous folk in my general area) EVERYONE is dating SOMEONE'S ex. Its the inherent nature of small dating pools. We get over ourselves real quick, and learn to manage our s**t/baggage.

Thing is, you aren't hurting your friend, you are not the cause of the pain if you are with someone they have baggage with. YOUR FRIEND is a singular cause of their pain, the singular cause of their OWN SUFFERING. They have not gotten over their baggage, its THEIR problem, not YOURS. You don't own that pain, your friend does and its THEIR SPECIFIC RESPONSIBILITY to work through them.

Your job is to be truthful to your friends, and respectful of their need to work through their own emotional bullshit.

I'm poly too. In my circle, a lot of people are dating other peoples's exes. We're big on personal responsibility. It's a realistic fact though that some people need help and support to work through their personal baggage - that's where communication and honesty come into things yet again. If a friend is not over their ex, I'm going to be there for them even if I really want to date their ex and their ex wants me as well. I couldn't be a friend to someone and deliberately ignore baggage they were having difficulty processing - if I made it worse I could lose a friend I treasured.

[Blackrose_Knight]

Akiryn

Blackrose_Knight

SuccubusDemise

I understand that, But I just wouldn't go out of my way to hurt my friends. I'd just find someone else I was compatible with. It has to do with trust. You'd hope you could trust your friends not to sneak around with someone you care about and have been with since breaking up. I don't know my friends are different then yours, Compassion runs deep for me so I could never hurt one of my friends like that.

If I asked, and they said they still cared about said person, that would be the end of that.
I wouldn't want to flaunt my friends failed relationship in her face.

Would you really find someone else to love. I deeply, and honestly doubt that. I think you like to think you would, but I think when placed in the situation of being head over heels for someone your friend has a baggage with, I think you will see this differently.

I trust my friends to tell me the truth, and allow me to get over my own s**t. In my own little insular dating circle (polyamorous folk in my general area) EVERYONE is dating SOMEONE'S ex. Its the inherent nature of small dating pools. We get over ourselves real quick, and learn to manage our s**t/baggage.

Thing is, you aren't hurting your friend, you are not the cause of the pain if you are with someone they have baggage with. YOUR FRIEND is a singular cause of their pain, the singular cause of their OWN SUFFERING. They have not gotten over their baggage, its THEIR problem, not YOURS. You don't own that pain, your friend does and its THEIR SPECIFIC RESPONSIBILITY to work through them.

Your job is to be truthful to your friends, and respectful of their need to work through their own emotional bullshit.

I'm poly too. In my circle, a lot of people are dating other peoples's exes. We're big on personal responsibility. It's a realistic fact though that some people need help and support to work through their personal baggage - that's where communication and honesty come into things yet again. If a friend is not over their ex, I'm going to be there for them even if I really want to date their ex and their ex wants me as well. I couldn't be a friend to someone and deliberately ignore baggage they were having difficulty processing - if I made it worse I could lose a friend I treasured.

Oh, I totally get that. I would go ahead and date the ex, and not rub it in my friend's face. I would be there for them, but in the end its personal responsibility to get over an ex, and realize that ex loves other people, people you love too.

There is a fine line of respecting someone's process, and not being shamed and kowtowed into never dating because a friend is being irrational over ex partners. Why am I so harsh about this? Because I was the dumbass who couldn't get over an ex. I let my own emotional bullshit eat me up, rip me to shreds, ruin my mental help and destroy my social network. All because I couldn't handle my s**t like an adult.

The sheer amount of "I can control my ex's sex life" in this thread is disgusting. That is so not okay.

[Emrinne]

Blackrose_Knight

I totally get that. I would go ahead and date the ex, and not rub it in my friend's face. I would be there for them, but in the end its personal responsibility to get over an ex, and realize that ex loves other people, people you love too.

There is a fine line of respecting someone's process, and not being shamed and kowtowed into never dating because a friend is being irrational over ex partners. Why am I so harsh about this? Because I was the dumbass who couldn't get over an ex. I let my own emotional bullshit eat me up, rip me to shreds, ruin my mental help and destroy my social network. All because I couldn't handle my s**t like an adult.

The sheer amount of "I can control my ex's sex life" in this thread is disgusting. That is so not okay.

I agree with this. It's just that in poly communities we're kinda used to narrow dating pools, so I feel sometimes we learn to deal with things in a better way that others might take longer to discover.

I do think the OP has issues and is being unfairly possessive. I get the impression they're not emotionally mature enough to handle situations like this and will make things worse for themselves.
They can't dictate what their ex's life, or their friend's, and they outright lied to a friend.
The OP needs to practice good communication and honesty.
They do need to let go.

[LizualKei]

Akiryn

Blackrose_Knight

I totally get that. I would go ahead and date the ex, and not rub it in my friend's face. I would be there for them, but in the end its personal responsibility to get over an ex, and realize that ex loves other people, people you love too.

There is a fine line of respecting someone's process, and not being shamed and kowtowed into never dating because a friend is being irrational over ex partners. Why am I so harsh about this? Because I was the dumbass who couldn't get over an ex. I let my own emotional bullshit eat me up, rip me to shreds, ruin my mental help and destroy my social network. All because I couldn't handle my s**t like an adult.

The sheer amount of "I can control my ex's sex life" in this thread is disgusting. That is so not okay.

I agree with this. It's just that in poly communities we're kinda used to narrow dating pools, so I feel sometimes we learn to deal with things in a better way that others might take longer to discover.

I do think the OP has issues and is being unfairly possessive. I get the impression they're not emotionally mature enough to handle situations like this and will make things worse for themselves.
They can't dictate what their ex's life, or their friend's, and they outright lied to a friend.
The OP needs to practice good communication and honesty.
They do need to let go.

I actually DID talk with my friend and we had a fantastic conversation about it. I told her i said it wouldn't bother me if it meant that she would be happy and I thought I was doing the right thing. Honestly, if I came on here and said, "I told my friend I didn't want her dating my ex" people would be saying "You're selfish, you can't control her life. you should let her be happy" So, that's what I did. It wasn't until after when I realized that maybe it was going to bother me A LOT more than i thought.
I'm happy you guys have found happiness in poly relationships, but they're not for everyone. Not for me.

[soapycakes]

SuccubusDemise

I understand that, But I just wouldn't go out of my way to hurt my friends. I'd just find someone else I was compatible with. It has to do with trust. You'd hope you could trust your friends not to sneak around with someone you care about and have been with since breaking up. I don't know my friends are different then yours, Compassion runs deep for me so I could never hurt one of my friends like that.

If I asked, and they said they still cared about said person, that would be the end of that.
I wouldn't want to flaunt my friends failed relationship in her face.

I totally agree with this. I think it all comes down to people having different expectations out of their friendships. I would not do something that could possibly hurt a friend, and would therefore expect my friends to treat me the same way.

To the OP. It is fine to feel hurt, I would too. If ending the friendship would make you feel better, then do it. It's unfair of people to say you're a bad friend for not getting over yourself. You will, in due time. Make the decisions you think that will help you get over it. c:

[Emrinne]

LizualKei

I actually DID talk with my friend and we had a fantastic conversation about it. I told her i said it wouldn't bother me if it meant that she would be happy and I thought I was doing the right thing. Honestly, if I came on here and said, "I told my friend I didn't want her dating my ex" people would be saying "You're selfish, you can't control her life. you should let her be happy" So, that's what I did. It wasn't until after when I realized that maybe it was going to bother me A LOT more than i thought.
I'm happy you guys have found happiness in poly relationships, but they're not for everyone. Not for me.

If you'd come here saying "I told my friend I wasn't ready to be happy with her dating my ex", you'd have got applause from me for being honest. Note that I wasn't trying to tell you be poly. If you can't handle one relationship and breakup you'd definitely mess up poly.

[Blackrose_Knight]

LizualKei

I actually DID talk with my friend and we had a fantastic conversation about it. I told her i said it wouldn't bother me if it meant that she would be happy and I thought I was doing the right thing. Honestly, if I came on here and said, "I told my friend I didn't want her dating my ex" people would be saying "You're selfish, you can't control her life. you should let her be happy" So, that's what I did. It wasn't until after when I realized that maybe it was going to bother me A LOT more than i thought.
I'm happy you guys have found happiness in poly relationships, but they're not for everyone. Not for me.

Oh, poly certainly isn't for everyone, I am not asking you to be poly. The nature of being poly though, can lend a lot to having healthy communication skills that can be cross applied. Given poly explodes into a firey hell ball quickly if there is a lack of healthy communication about emotion.

First and foremost honesty, honesty, and honesty. Were you being honest with yourself, when you said it wouldn't bother you? If you honestly thought it wouldn't bother you, and now its pestering you, you have the responsibility to tell your friend "Hey, I thought it wasn't going to be a problem, now it is." Which you did, awesome!

That gives your friend the opportunity to make their choice on what to do (imo just ease off of telling you about the relationship and being with the guy in front of you, I wouldn't sacrifice a budding romance for a friend with hangup issues, but I would back the hell off about telling you about them/broadcasting them and avoid rubbing your nose in it) and you have the responsibility to deal with the fact the problem, is in you, and only you. Ya gotta own that. Ya gotta work through your s**t and get over this guy.

Ya also gotta realize, you and your ex are over and done with. You have no right to even consider who he has a relationship with. You don't own that aspect of a person, and actually you never did (put that is a whole other story).

I am curious, this friend of yours ended her relationship of 7 years by cheating with your ex? I assume there is A LOT more behind that than what meets the eye. 7 years aren't always thrown down the drain with such abandon. I suspect there is a lot more entanglement with one another for years (and think you were dating HER crush yes?). I don't condone cheating at all, and I think what your friend did was dumb. She should have just ended the relationship and asked your ex out aboveboard. There was no reason, not to really besides fear and lack of honesty.

Honesty with oneself, and others, would have taken all the drama out of this situation. Your friend wouldn't have cheated (being honest she was done with the relationship she was in).

End of the day. Never lie, or conceal your emotions, even if its what you consider "bad". Tell the truth, always, and if something changes, own it.

[The Luminosity]

LizualKei

I actually DID talk with my friend and we had a fantastic conversation about it. I told her i said it wouldn't bother me if it meant that she would be happy and I thought I was doing the right thing. Honestly, if I came on here and said, "I told my friend I didn't want her dating my ex" people would be saying "You're selfish, you can't control her life. you should let her be happy" So, that's what I did. It wasn't until after when I realized that maybe it was going to bother me A LOT more than i thought.
I'm happy you guys have found happiness in poly relationships, but they're not for everyone. Not for me.

Hey again.

I just wanted to say, you're absolutely right. Look how the majority of people here freaked out because you were a little jealous. This was never about you wanting to control your friend, because you wouldn't have told her to go be happy. Even though lying about your feelings wasn't the best choice, I get why you did it, because your jealousy is your responsibility, not your friend's. It's wonderful you told her the truth even though it didn't make a difference, but now it's out in the open and you can deal with it easier.

However, I agree. If your title were, "I can't believe my friend is dating my ex, she needs to stop," almost everyone and their dog somehow would be on here telling you to go ******** yourself without reading your first post or barely understanding it. So please ignore those who are speculating off of their own personal experiences, not fully grasping what you're going through, and calling you immature. You're learning as you go in life, and I believe you handle yourself and your jealousy well. Just continue to see the big picture, be a good friend, understand that all the cheating everyone is doing is unhealthy, and be glad you're not apart of it.

[Seruubi]

I understand why you're hurt.
Usually the best friend is there to help you get over the situation, but she slept with him and that's just bringing him back into your life. I do not understand why the first few post are jumping down your throat. Just because he's your ex doesn't make it less hurtful and the feeling of betrayal does come to mind.
Although it was been a year, it still hurts, and the thought of one of my close friends doing that to me makes anger and selfish jealousy swell inside my chest.

Just know they had no intentions of hurting you-- I'm assuming. She at least had the decency of waiting until you two broke up, like a vulture, but she still waited.
You can't stop them, but you can avoid them until you get some closure, and move on.