Marriage: No sex, or intimacy after baby

[SickandTiredMommyLady]

Now I know this wasn't going to be easy peasy, but while I was pregnant my husband and I use to have a pretty healthy sex life. It was great. But since I had the baby, he is just not interested in even touching me at all. Our baby just started sleeping through the night, at 2 months old. I was looking forward to my postpartum check up, to get the OK that we can have sex again. I use to take birth control before we decided to get pregnant, with no condoms. My husband never seemed to be able to "Keep it up" with a condom on, this was before we were married. But due to me breastfeeding our baby, and me not feeling right with taking birth control, we decided together that it would be best to suck it up and use condoms as birth control.
After getting the OK from my doctor, my husband didn't seem much interested in having sex. We did it after a week after my check up, which was a different and weird experience. The second time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago. Both of which he hurried through it, didn't even feel that he "finished" and I didn't even finish either (It felt great but I didn't and I didn't tell him.) There was no cuddling. Just a quick session, bathroom, and back to what we were doing before it, and taking care of baby, who woke up towards the end. This was before she started sleeping longer and through the night. He tells me "Well cuddle later." He knows I love to have cuddle time after sex. But even later, we end up not cuddling.

Sex seems to be more pleasurable to me since having the baby. But he just doesn't seem interested. I walk around in bra and underwear most of the time while I'm at home (mostly due to nursing and it being easier accessible), and he doesn't notice me one bit. I went from 130 down to 110 after having the baby, which is only 4 pounds more than I was before pregnancy. I have very minimal stretch marks. I don't understand why he doesn't want any. I even go as far as to ASK him for sex. Which he says either "It's too late and I'm really tired." "I have a headache" or "Your parents are visiting." Yeah my parents are visiting but they AREN'T staying at our house, so why does it matter?

I try to initiate sex while the baby is asleep, which she sleeps great nowadays, and she sleeps through the night! I feel like my husband touches his playstation controller more than me.
I try to touch him and be sensual with him, and he doesn't do anything but stays there like a statue. Our intimacy is so bad, that I feel almost like he's not mine, when I grope him. It's an odd feeling. Like it's just..Not there.

I talk to him about it all the time, and he just shrugs it off like it's nothing. We don't hug, kiss, cuddle...nada. It makes me feel ugly, and hopeless. And I've had dreams of cheating on him, and that hurts me alot. I don't want to have those thoughts or dreams. But sometimes I wish I could. And that's not how a marriage should be. I just can't keep this up anymore.

I have been SO stressed out, these last few weeks. And I've jokingly said to him "I know why I'm so stressed lately...It's because I need to get LAID." And we laugh and I tell him "But seriously hun, I really think It will help me blow some steam and feel more 'loosey goosey," And then he makes up the excuses.

Tell it to me straight, Life issues. Is this marriage over?
I'd hate to think it's our baby's fault for our declining sex life. But to be honest..the baby sleeps and sleeps. I think HE is the issue!!

[legnanellaf5]

Its pretty normal. You just had a child, you both are getting used to this because it is a big change and in couples marital satisfaction goes down when they have children because it is annoying. Pressure on both paretns even if one isnt actually taking care of the child a lot because it is a huge change in lifestyle and seeps into how they feel about working and blah. Babys suck. Just because you physically can have sex doesnt mean the time is right, and it seems that things like needign him to use a condom while he is struggling doesnt help too. Not sure if there is a solution to that, although technically breastfeeding should mean you dont ovulate, the issue is that it isnt something you can be 100% sure on.

The baby sleeping through the night isnt goign to magically solve things either, it isnt like that makes the baby disappear. I think you should focus less on getting laid and more on having a couple time. Sex isnt what you need, what you need is time to feel like a couple and that should never be what sex is for. Go have a date.

[SickandTiredMommyLady]

legnanellaf5

Its pretty normal. You just had a child, you both are getting used to this because it is a big change and in couples marital satisfaction goes down when they have children because it is annoying. Pressure on both paretns even if one isnt actually taking care of the child a lot because it is a huge change in lifestyle and seeps into how they feel about working and blah. Babys suck. Just because you physically can have sex doesnt mean the time is right, and it seems that things like needign him to use a condom while he is struggling doesnt help too. Not sure if there is a solution to that, although technically breastfeeding should mean you dont ovulate, the issue is that it isnt something you can be 100% sure on.

The baby sleeping through the night isnt goign to magically solve things either, it isnt like that makes the baby disappear. I think you should focus less on getting laid and more on having a couple time. Sex isnt what you need, what you need is time to feel like a couple and that should never be what sex is for. Go have a date.

Thank you. I'll try a date. The thing that really sucks, is that our anniversary just passed and while usually we celebrate it by going out, he decided we should stay home this year. My aunt even offered to watch the baby and he was the one who declined! We spent our anniversary, with our baby at home, watching a movie; me on the couch and him on his chair. Like we were JUST two people watching a movie. I asked him "Why don't you move over here so we can cuddle?" And I got "Because this is comfy. I'm fine."

[Delightful_FOOL]

I experienced the same thing after having a baby. Except I was the one uninterested. But, even after that sorted out, it's still mostly just quickies. That's how it is. But, it really is important to set time aside for couple time. Maybe he's nervous about leaving the baby without one of you for that long. And not that he doesn't trust your family, just that it's nerve-wracking. And it's different for fathers than mothers. You had 9 months to get used to the idea of being a Mom and having a baby. Taking care of one and all that. He's had two months. Sure, he had the pregnancy to get used to the idea, but it's only been real for him for two months. Cut him some slack. Maybe try and back off just a little on the sex thing, but try to be intimate in other ways. Hold his hand, give him kisses. All that. I'm sure he'll pull out of it and this doesn't mean that your marriage is over.

[legnanellaf5]

Whitdizzle

legnanellaf5

Its pretty normal. You just had a child, you both are getting used to this because it is a big change and in couples marital satisfaction goes down when they have children because it is annoying. Pressure on both paretns even if one isnt actually taking care of the child a lot because it is a huge change in lifestyle and seeps into how they feel about working and blah. Babys suck. Just because you physically can have sex doesnt mean the time is right, and it seems that things like needign him to use a condom while he is struggling doesnt help too. Not sure if there is a solution to that, although technically breastfeeding should mean you dont ovulate, the issue is that it isnt something you can be 100% sure on.

The baby sleeping through the night isnt goign to magically solve things either, it isnt like that makes the baby disappear. I think you should focus less on getting laid and more on having a couple time. Sex isnt what you need, what you need is time to feel like a couple and that should never be what sex is for. Go have a date.

Thank you. I'll try a date. The thing that really sucks, is that our anniversary just passed and while usually we celebrate it by going out, he decided we should stay home this year. My aunt even offered to watch the baby and he was the one who declined! We spent our anniversary, with our baby at home, watching a movie; me on the couch and him on his chair. Like we were JUST two people watching a movie. I asked him "Why don't you move over here so we can cuddle?" And I got "Because this is comfy. I'm fine."

That is something you need to talk about, because if he is turning down everything and anything, then you need to see if he has a reason why.

[Ms Jezebel Spirit]

He might be having a hard time separating your role as a mother from your role as a lover. A lot of new fathers do this. Mothers are seen as pure in society, so they can take a while to realize that their SO is still the same woman as before, and that it isn't wrong/bad to see her as sexual.
Find a common kink you two can enjoy. Ex. Role-play, different position from normal, etc.
Initiate a lot of touching throughout the day.
Let him know that during the times the baby is sleeping or being watched by someone else, you want to be seen as a woman first and mother second.

[Ms Jezebel Spirit]

Also, nothing made me feel sexier after having my son than getting some new bras and underwear. It gave me renewed confidence!

[Angeltear1716]

It takes a while to get used to the presence of another family member and the stress and tiredness that comes with it. Everybody changes with it and everybody feels the fallout so even if you may be ready to get back on the horse, it could all be taking a toll on him. Instead of trying to beat a dead horse try having a talk with him when there are no distractions to see what's going on in his head; whether he is tired or if there's something more to it.
Some men can begin to think that their life is over when a kid arrives but it doesn't last forever. My brother, who lived with us with his newborn was tired all the time and even started to go a bit stir-crazy because of the amount of time spent in looking after a newborn, and even two months in is actually quite early in the game. You think you've got one part of the routine down and then something is added on so sacrifices end up being made from social interaction, getting just five minutes in the shower to fun times in the bedroom.
So for now try to be patient with his lack of interest but don't let it fester, if he's not comfortable talking to you about it maybe you could suggest another male friend who has been a new dad before now?

[Princess Pittooey]

Walking around in a bra and underwear all the time has the complete opposite effect that you want. Trust me, I've lived with my boyfriend for seven months, and out of seven months we spent five months without AC in Florida, so I never wore clothes. Ever. He got so used to it that he told me he didn't even notice I was naked.

You might just want to give him his space, or offer to spend time with him with something other than sex. Just don't bring up sex and act like you don't care about it. Eventually he will notice that you aren't begging for it anymore and he'll want to know what's up.

I don't think the marriage is over. This is just one of the many many humps you will have to get over. No marriage is perfect. Remember, you committed to spending the rest of your life with this man, and both you and him will change through every stage of the marriage and every year.

I recommend masturbating through this dry spell. It will take away at least some of the stress.

[candy unicorns]

Luna the darkfallen

Walking around in a bra and underwear all the time has the complete opposite effect that you want. Trust me, I've lived with my boyfriend for seven months, and out of seven months we spent five months without AC in Florida, so I never wore clothes. Ever. He got so used to it that he told me he didn't even notice I was naked.

You might just want to give him his space, or offer to spend time with him with something other than sex. Just don't bring up sex and act like you don't care about it. Eventually he will notice that you aren't begging for it anymore and he'll want to know what's up.

I don't think the marriage is over. This is just one of the many many humps you will have to get over. No marriage is perfect. Remember, you committed to spending the rest of your life with this man, and both you and him will change through every stage of the marriage and every year.

I recommend masturbating through this dry spell. It will take away at least some of the stress.

I second this, I think you have to just slow down and let him come to you when he's ready. Forcing him into becoming close and intimate will only drive him further away. I think he just needs time to adjust and become ready to be intimate again.

[x-Garethp-x]

Guys aren't just mindless sex machines who are begging and desperate for sex whenever you want. We have our own ups and downs and reasons that we might not want sex. Christ, just off the top of my head I can list that he's probably dealing with the idea of being a father, new responsibilities, being tired and stressed from the baby and him not feeling very sexy himself.

You didn't even mention whether or not he's working, or you're working, or what the situation is there. I can't imagine working then coming home to a kid and a wife who both need your attention.

Guys have a different issue when it comes to sex as well. As you've discovered, an erection isn't just a "Well, it's up, it'll stay up no matter what now" thing. It's not something we have complete control over. Christ, just having a baby in the house would kill any potential for a boner for at least 3-6 months for me. Then every time you have sex, you'll be wondering whether or not the baby is going to wake up, and just THINKING about it could kill the boner. On top of that, knowing that it could happen is a lot of pressure to perform once it's up, because women do expect it to just go up and stay up. And that pressure in itself can kill it before it starts or in the middle. And knowing that my wife needs me sexually and I'm just not sure I can do it? Confidence and boner killer

Stop thinking of him as some kind of sex machine who should be ready to go because you're ready to go. Sit down and try to understand. Ask him how he feels without judging or without trying to push how you feel. Just listen to him. Maybe you can come to know how he works a little better

[Misty_Mystix]

Whitdizzle

Now I know this wasn't going to be easy peasy, but while I was pregnant my husband and I use to have a pretty healthy sex life. It was great. But since I had the baby, he is just not interested in even touching me at all. Our baby just started sleeping through the night, at 2 months old. I was looking forward to my postpartum check up, to get the OK that we can have sex again. I use to take birth control before we decided to get pregnant, with no condoms. My husband never seemed to be able to "Keep it up" with a condom on, this was before we were married. But due to me breastfeeding our baby, and me not feeling right with taking birth control, we decided together that it would be best to suck it up and use condoms as birth control.
After getting the OK from my doctor, my husband didn't seem much interested in having sex. We did it after a week after my check up, which was a different and weird experience. The second time we had sex was about 2 weeks ago. Both of which he hurried through it, didn't even feel that he "finished" and I didn't even finish either (It felt great but I didn't and I didn't tell him.) There was no cuddling. Just a quick session, bathroom, and back to what we were doing before it, and taking care of baby, who woke up towards the end. This was before she started sleeping longer and through the night. He tells me "Well cuddle later." He knows I love to have cuddle time after sex. But even later, we end up not cuddling.

Sex seems to be more pleasurable to me since having the baby. But he just doesn't seem interested. I walk around in bra and underwear most of the time while I'm at home (mostly due to nursing and it being easier accessible), and he doesn't notice me one bit. I went from 130 down to 110 after having the baby, which is only 4 pounds more than I was before pregnancy. I have very minimal stretch marks. I don't understand why he doesn't want any. I even go as far as to ASK him for sex. Which he says either "It's too late and I'm really tired." "I have a headache" or "Your parents are visiting." Yeah my parents are visiting but they AREN'T staying at our house, so why does it matter?

I try to initiate sex while the baby is asleep, which she sleeps great nowadays, and she sleeps through the night! I feel like my husband touches his playstation controller more than me.
I try to touch him and be sensual with him, and he doesn't do anything but stays there like a statue. Our intimacy is so bad, that I feel almost like he's not mine, when I grope him. It's an odd feeling. Like it's just..Not there.

I talk to him about it all the time, and he just shrugs it off like it's nothing. We don't hug, kiss, cuddle...nada. It makes me feel ugly, and hopeless. And I've had dreams of cheating on him, and that hurts me alot. I don't want to have those thoughts or dreams. But sometimes I wish I could. And that's not how a marriage should be. I just can't keep this up anymore.

I have been SO stressed out, these last few weeks. And I've jokingly said to him "I know why I'm so stressed lately...It's because I need to get LAID." And we laugh and I tell him "But seriously hun, I really think It will help me blow some steam and feel more 'loosey goosey," And then he makes up the excuses.

Tell it to me straight, Life issues. Is this marriage over?
I'd hate to think it's our baby's fault for our declining sex life. But to be honest..the baby sleeps and sleeps. I think HE is the issue!!

He might have some trauma over you giving birth, this can especially happen if he witnessed you giving birth. Maybe he is really stressed about his new life of a father.

You guys need a serious sit down talk about this and figure out the root of the problem, you may want to go to a marriage counselor for this too. If he isn't supplying you the sex you need, it would be selfish of him to deny it and expect you to not get your supply somewhere else. To hell with waiting around for him to get it up again if he doesn't at least talk out his problem, who the hell knows when the next time you'll start having regular sex again if ever.

[SickandTiredMommyLady]

Thank you everyone for the advice. It's nice to know that this is normal, I was getting pretty worried!

[Little Dead Soldier]

It's always a bit weird to have sex with your SO right after you have a baby. You leak from breastfeeding, smell like baby puke all the time, and also sleep deprived. And it's also hard for men, that responsibility. He is probably stressed from parenthood (it happens).

It's best to talk to him and figure out what's going through his mind.

[L0LIS]

I had my daughter nearly 6 months ago and even now I am still not very interested in sex. It's normal although could be irritating to the partner who feels differently and I hate-hate-hate when my boyfriend trys to hint at sex, it makes me not want it even more. Mainly because I am tired or just not "feelin' it". Everyone has different reasons so maybe try doing other things like going on a date or buying some new lingerie. It's also best not to walk around half naked and or naked because then he'll just be like "Oh, that's nothing new.." you want to get naked in front of him at special times and he'll be like, "Damn!" you know? I hope everything works out. <3