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S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e's avatar

Dangerous Lover

Just so that you know, my advice was to the person who posted this, not their partner. So if you're even slightly offended, do kindly take a hike.
S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e
La Danse Macabre
S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e
La Danse Macabre
My boyfriend is transgendered - ever since he was young, he has enjoyed "girly" things.

He crossdresses when he feels the need to express his feminine side. He looked into male-to-female transitioning and the hormone therapy involved. While he's very interested in it, he doesn't want to give up his masculine side because he enjoys being able to interchange between the two. So I get your dilemma.

He may go a month or so being a guy and then experience a period where he feels like a girl. So, he dons his feminine persona and goes full-out with the clothes, make-up, voice, et cetera.

I was a roller coaster of emotions when all of this came to light early on in our relationship. It was hard. But I realized that I want to be there for him and support him -- or her, no matter what he decides. If he wakes up one day and decides to go through the hormone treatments, I'll be there every step of the way. If he wants to "experiment," well, I'll be there, too.

As I previously stated, my boyfriend has known that he wanted to be a girl ever since he was a child. He's always felt the need to express his feminine side, whether through clothing or appearance. From my understanding, it seems like he's always just known that that was a part of him.

My post may sound silly. I know that I'm not much help in the area of experience with the hormone therapy. I just wanted to let you know that how you feel is perfectly okay. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. heart
Your post is only silly because it's laced with tons of ignorance. I hope that your partner is in agreement to you using that pronoun set, calling them your "boyfriend," and outing them as trans-.


Um.. okay? He's a guy right now and encourages me to use the pronoun set that matches his current chosen gender. He has no problem with me calling him my boyfriend when he's a guy. How is any of that "ignorant" of me?
He doesn't mind that I post on the advice forums. He's aware of what I posted in hopes of helping someone understand his or her situation better. If that's fine with him, why does it upset you so much?
Are you suggesting that none of these people release personal details of their lives in order to seek or provide help?
Because I think that is silly.
HA! "None of these people." Yes, trans- people are different from regular people.

You being offended at being called ignorant by someone who probably knows a hell of a lot more than you do is just hilarious. Don't get offended by being called ignorant. Fix your actions and thought process so that you don't.

Whoa there. I appreciate your input above, but to be honest it seems to me that you're intentionally trying to pick fights with people. "None of these people" doesn't mark transgender people out as being different in a negative way - it acknowledges that they have had a different life experience and many wish to share that with people who are struggling with their own gender identity. It was actually a positive remark about the good that transgendered people can do, and you twisted it into something entirely different.

Also, I never once said that my girlfriend acted as though she were entitled to my body. I love her and I respect her, therefore I don't want to do something to make her uncomfortable. That is my decision. She is a huge part of my life, and these feelings that I have are things that we go through together so she is more than welcome to post in this thread and voice her concerns personally. I'd appreciate it if you would give her, and everyone else in this thread, the courtesy of being polite because I came here to get advice - not to get into an argument with someone being purposefully belligerent.
La Danse Macabre
S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e
La Danse Macabre
My boyfriend is transgendered - ever since he was young, he has enjoyed "girly" things.

He crossdresses when he feels the need to express his feminine side. He looked into male-to-female transitioning and the hormone therapy involved. While he's very interested in it, he doesn't want to give up his masculine side because he enjoys being able to interchange between the two. So I get your dilemma.

He may go a month or so being a guy and then experience a period where he feels like a girl. So, he dons his feminine persona and goes full-out with the clothes, make-up, voice, et cetera.

I was a roller coaster of emotions when all of this came to light early on in our relationship. It was hard. But I realized that I want to be there for him and support him -- or her, no matter what he decides. If he wakes up one day and decides to go through the hormone treatments, I'll be there every step of the way. If he wants to "experiment," well, I'll be there, too.

As I previously stated, my boyfriend has known that he wanted to be a girl ever since he was a child. He's always felt the need to express his feminine side, whether through clothing or appearance. From my understanding, it seems like he's always just known that that was a part of him.

My post may sound silly. I know that I'm not much help in the area of experience with the hormone therapy. I just wanted to let you know that how you feel is perfectly okay. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. heart
Your post is only silly because it's laced with tons of ignorance. I hope that your partner is in agreement to you using that pronoun set, calling them your "boyfriend," and outing them as trans-.


Um.. okay? He's a guy right now and encourages me to use the pronoun set that matches his current chosen gender. He has no problem with me calling him my boyfriend when he's a guy. How is any of that "ignorant" of me?
He doesn't mind that I post on the advice forums. He's aware of what I posted in hopes of helping someone understand his or her situation better. If that's fine with him, why does it upset you so much?
Are you suggesting that none of these people release personal details of their lives in order to seek or provide help?
Because I think that is silly.

I think your boyfriend does sound quite similar to me except that I don't really seem to have the girly side. Like, I have aspects of both genders but even my feminine side is more masculine - I hope that makes sense. He seems to appreciate being both genders, so to speak, and wants to keep that up whereas I don't think I would even notice if the feminine parts of me disappeared overnight.

The only thing that I think is inherently female about me is my genitalia. However, I'm not sure if that's something that I should work on hiding because although it makes me uncomfortable to be seen as female in public I don't feel the same discomfort at home because I think in my head I've always viewed myself as male without labelling it that way or needing my body to match. Tell me if any of this doesn't make sense, but I've been finding it quite hard to verbalise what I'm actually thinking.

Thank you for the advice, I think your posts have been two of the most helpful so far. (:
S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e's avatar

Dangerous Lover

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S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e
La Danse Macabre
S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e
La Danse Macabre
My boyfriend is transgendered - ever since he was young, he has enjoyed "girly" things.

He crossdresses when he feels the need to express his feminine side. He looked into male-to-female transitioning and the hormone therapy involved. While he's very interested in it, he doesn't want to give up his masculine side because he enjoys being able to interchange between the two. So I get your dilemma.

He may go a month or so being a guy and then experience a period where he feels like a girl. So, he dons his feminine persona and goes full-out with the clothes, make-up, voice, et cetera.

I was a roller coaster of emotions when all of this came to light early on in our relationship. It was hard. But I realized that I want to be there for him and support him -- or her, no matter what he decides. If he wakes up one day and decides to go through the hormone treatments, I'll be there every step of the way. If he wants to "experiment," well, I'll be there, too.

As I previously stated, my boyfriend has known that he wanted to be a girl ever since he was a child. He's always felt the need to express his feminine side, whether through clothing or appearance. From my understanding, it seems like he's always just known that that was a part of him.

My post may sound silly. I know that I'm not much help in the area of experience with the hormone therapy. I just wanted to let you know that how you feel is perfectly okay. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. heart
Your post is only silly because it's laced with tons of ignorance. I hope that your partner is in agreement to you using that pronoun set, calling them your "boyfriend," and outing them as trans-.


Um.. okay? He's a guy right now and encourages me to use the pronoun set that matches his current chosen gender. He has no problem with me calling him my boyfriend when he's a guy. How is any of that "ignorant" of me?
He doesn't mind that I post on the advice forums. He's aware of what I posted in hopes of helping someone understand his or her situation better. If that's fine with him, why does it upset you so much?
Are you suggesting that none of these people release personal details of their lives in order to seek or provide help?
Because I think that is silly.
HA! "None of these people." Yes, trans- people are different from regular people.

You being offended at being called ignorant by someone who probably knows a hell of a lot more than you do is just hilarious. Don't get offended by being called ignorant. Fix your actions and thought process so that you don't.

Whoa there. I appreciate your input above, but to be honest it seems to me that you're intentionally trying to pick fights with people. "None of these people" doesn't mark transgender people out as being different in a negative way - it acknowledges that they have had a different life experience and many wish to share that with people who are struggling with their own gender identity. It was actually a positive remark about the good that transgendered people can do, and you twisted it into something entirely different.

Also, I never once said that my girlfriend acted as though she were entitled to my body. I love her and I respect her, therefore I don't want to do something to make her uncomfortable. That is my decision. She is a huge part of my life, and these feelings that I have are things that we go through together so she is more than welcome to post in this thread and voice her concerns personally. I'd appreciate it if you would give her, and everyone else in this thread, the courtesy of being polite because I came here to get advice - not to get into an argument with someone being purposefully belligerent.
To be fully honest, I wasn't. I may come across as rude and blunt, but that's just the way that I talk when people irritate me and frustrate me with their ignorance.

If you're not trans-, don't speak for trans- people. Period. You don't know what you are, which is why you were getting advice, correct? So if you do not know what you are yet and do not identify as trans- yet, do not speak for people who are. If you do not like what I say, then put me on ignore or something. I wasn't here to fight, I was here to give advice to you that was upfront from my own personal experience. I'm a very blunt person. I will not surgarcoat things or make them nice-nice, because quite honestly, being trans- isn't something that you just wake up one day and say, "I'M TRANS-!" If you think that it's your partner's right to have a say in what you do in this, then that's your business, have a good life and good luck with that, hope that you realize what a mistake you're making when your relationship ends.
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Reading maybe two thirds of your post, it just seems as if you're really confused. It also seems like you're looking for gratification.
You know, not everyone is okay with being either female or male. This is sort of what angel_259236102 said in response to you. It seems you prefer to be on the cusp. You're not transgendered.

If you genuinely are transgendered, you'll know. Trust me. It's not something you have to "figure out" or "think about". To me, it's basically like someone questioning whether they are or are not their biological gender. For me, I am biologically female just like your girlfriend. I'm content with my gender. But, it'd be like me sitting here questioning whether or not I am female when I actually am - and I mean that as in, you either are something or you aren't. Biological gender has no part in it, but that was just part of my example. You either are a trans-man or you are not. To me, it just seems like you're not content with either gender, at all. I'm basing that off of your post.

You would not qualify to have testosterone unless someone, illegally, got it for you. It's clear you've done little to no research on T to begin with, considering you believe (and same with your girlfriend) that your entire persona and personality will do a flip. Telling a therapist that you are basically a confused lesbian will not get that stuff in your hands and quite honestly, people like you don't deserve it because you do not know what you want. You can take that offensively if you'd like, but I could care less. There are people out there that from a young age have rejected their biological gender because it never actually fit them psychologically, emotionally, everything. There are people that have tried to kill themselves, let alone have BEEN killed, because of coming out or being so confused about this subject. You speak of people accepting you for being lesbian, then feel concerned about coming out as being a trans-man. You touched on an issue you know nothing about, which is why S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e called you ignorant. It's not just about going into men's restrooms, or using male pro-nouns, or even using/wearing a packer.

No one's responses on here can alter or change your mind on who you are inside. You are not a trans-man and your first mistake was thinking that would be an option for you.
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:
- how do you know if you are transgendered?
- have you/people you know had any issues with family since transitioning (or any nice stories you want to share)?
- is personality change through T a legitimate concern?
- is it harder to be a non-op transman?
- anything else you can glean from the above ramble-fest?


1. The best thing to do is to go to a few trans support group meetings and talk to people face to face. You'll hear that most stories are pretty close. Most have always known that they felt uncomfortable in their bodies especially with their intimate body parts

2. Most people have issues with family - usually at first when they come out as being transfolk but for everyone it's different. Some family members are immediately supportive, other will Never be supportive and refuse to ever call you by the proper pronouns. It just depends on the individual person and their individual familiy members

3. Personality changes via testosterone is bascially a bunch of B.S. People worry about 'roid rage' which is something that happens in athletes who are dosing with hormones above and beyond the normal body range. The idea of HRT isn't to give you mega doses to put on muscle bulk but to get your body to the Normal range of the average male. I know a lot of FTM's who were a bit out of control Before getting on testosterone and who have calmed down a LOT after getting on hrt. Think of it this way - the brain is wired to run on certain chemical ballances - if you get the wrong ballance it's not going to work right. If you take your average weed whacker and put straight gasoline in it, it's going to smoke and not run right! It needs the right mix - the brain also needs the right mix of hormones and if you're an FTM and you're running on estrogen and not normal male levels of Testosterone then you're probably not running quite right as you are. Fixing those levels is not going to make you freak out, it won't make you violent, it won't do change your perszonality. And guess what Those levels of Testosterone are tested and to make sure you're getting the right amount, not too much or too little and you get blood work done every 6 months to make sure it's the right amount for you. Testosterone causing violence is pretty much a myth unles you're dealing with someone who is illegally using it to mega dose on. For those who say that MTF's blame thier testosterone on their agressiveness before getting on their HRT I say again - the brain needs the right chemicals and hormones - if a persons brain needs estrogen and they're getting Testosterone of course they're not going to be happy, they can be agressive etc - just like an FTM before getting on T can be.

4 Is it harder to be a non op?.. That depends a lot on whether you're talking about absolute non op as in keeping your breasts or as in an incomplete FTM (meaning you haven't completed all the surgeries). Being absolute non op can be hard. Other FTM (and even MTF's) tend not to believe that a fully femenine transman actually is trans at all. However if you're talking about lower surgery it's not an issue except when it comes to finding a partner. Basically what's between your legs is no ones business but you, your doctor, and your intimate partner. There is even a fairly famous FTM who says he has no intentions what so ever of having lower surgery - and when it comes to that there are many reasons that FTM can and do choose not to go through with it including the risk factors and costs. Surgically it's much easier (and cheaper) for MTF's than for FTM's.
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S c h a d 3 n f r e u d e
Just so that you know, my advice was to the person who posted this, not their partner. So if you're even slightly offended, do kindly take a hike.


My sincerest apologies for sticking up for myself.. You could've at least replied to my post, you know.
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Baby, I am sorry I suggested that you asked people on Gaia for advice/comfort/support. It was really dumb of me. You came here for advice or answers to help your confusion and instead of advice or even comfort, you got bashed and so did I. You know I'll love you no matter what. I'm really sorry that people are rude and extremely insensitive. We'll find the answers you're looking for. I promise you that.
Read your whole post, but I'll just answer your questions at the bottom to make it easier.

- how do you know if you are transgendered?
For me it was just something that I always sort of knew. I'm sure everyone's experience with this is different.

- have you/people you know had any issues with family since transitioning (or any nice stories you want to share)?
Well, things like this are going to be different in every situation as well, but I'll share mine regardless. I come from a Mormon family. I thought everyone I knew and loved was going to ostracize and hate me. This was not the case. Everyone in my family has been generally supportive although there are still things that are being worked on. It really is case by case kind of thing. Everyone is going to react differently to you with this kind of thing. Some people will be supportive right out the gate. Like my brother, grandmother, and dad, Others will need some time to take it in, like my sister, my uncle, and my cousins. And still othesr may reject the idea all together and treat you like your feelings about who you are doesn't matter, like my mother, stepfather.

- is personality change through T a legitimate concern?
If you aren't already prone to violence while not on T, T will not make you that way.

- is it harder to be a non-op transman?
I'm a non-op trans man. Binders are uncomfortable that's about the only thing I've found with still having a chest that bothers me. Well, besides still having a chest. >.> I've found a lot of guys decide not to do bottom surgery because the choices aren't really that pleasing to the eye, cost a s**t load of money, and have a lot of risks. Besides no one is going to see your junk in a day to day setting.
Pre T however, it was pretty hard to pass. It's not for everyone though and you shouldn't take T unless you know you're ready. smile I knew I was ready when I first heard about what it could do for me and have been taking it for about 2.5 months now. Couldn't be happier with the changes.
Maybe youre a butch? I know this word is rather offensive,and I dont mean it that way at all, and Im no pro when it comes to transgenderness and that sort, but this is what came to my mind, and upon viewing urbandictionary quickly...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=butch

Maybe you like the masculine feeling but not enough for it to loathe/feel disgusted by your female side/organs etc..?

just a thought
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Q: how do you know if you are transgendered?
A:You just know. You are, for sure. You like being identified as a boy, yes? So yes. You are what you want to be.

Q: have you/people you know had any issues with family since transitioning (or any nice stories you want to share)?
A: My grandma wants me to dress as a boy when I'm around her, because she just can't get her head around the fact that I'm just not a boy anymore. So I do, and I don't have a problem with that, I love old people and their quirks. My dad...lol My dad jesus, he just won't even address it, and acts as if I was never a boy to begin with. My mom as well. They just haven't even talked about it. No one talks about it. They just accepted it, after the 6 month period everyone was pissed I didn't tell them.

Q: is personality change through T a legitimate concern?
A: Nah.

Q: is it harder to be a non-op transman?
A: Other than having to wear bindings for your boobs, nah.

Q: anything else you can glean from the above ramble-fest?
A: Congratz, you're being who you want, pretty much.
CynicalReality
Read your whole post, but I'll just answer your questions at the bottom to make it easier.

- how do you know if you are transgendered?
For me it was just something that I always sort of knew. I'm sure everyone's experience with this is different.

- have you/people you know had any issues with family since transitioning (or any nice stories you want to share)?
Well, things like this are going to be different in every situation as well, but I'll share mine regardless. I come from a Mormon family. I thought everyone I knew and loved was going to ostracize and hate me. This was not the case. Everyone in my family has been generally supportive although there are still things that are being worked on. It really is case by case kind of thing. Everyone is going to react differently to you with this kind of thing. Some people will be supportive right out the gate. Like my brother, grandmother, and dad, Others will need some time to take it in, like my sister, my uncle, and my cousins. And still othesr may reject the idea all together and treat you like your feelings about who you are doesn't matter, like my mother, stepfather.

- is personality change through T a legitimate concern?
If you aren't already prone to violence while not on T, T will not make you that way.

- is it harder to be a non-op transman?
I'm a non-op trans man. Binders are uncomfortable that's about the only thing I've found with still having a chest that bothers me. Well, besides still having a chest. >.> I've found a lot of guys decide not to do bottom surgery because the choices aren't really that pleasing to the eye, cost a s**t load of money, and have a lot of risks. Besides no one is going to see your junk in a day to day setting.
Pre T however, it was pretty hard to pass. It's not for everyone though and you shouldn't take T unless you know you're ready. smile I knew I was ready when I first heard about what it could do for me and have been taking it for about 2.5 months now. Couldn't be happier with the changes.


This is easily the most helpful post and puts a lot of things into perspective for me, so thank you for that. (:

I've always known I was different, I suppose, but didn't make a connection to be the possibility of being transgendered until recently. When I was little, in the first couple of years of primary school, people used to ask me if I wanted to be a boy. I said 'no, of course not, don't be stupid' but I said that because it's what I was "supposed" to say. I never really thought about it more deeply than that, but I know that my five-year-old self did kind of have a natural inclination to say yes yet avoided it because that just wasn't normal. At some point this got pushed to the back of my mind and I only remembered around six months ago when the idea of not really being the gender I was supposed to be came up in conversation.

I don't think any of the negatives you described about people's reactions would bother me too much. It would be annnoying if I found that a change was what was right for me and people still insisted on calling me other things, but the only thing I would genuinely be scared of is complete rejection and ostracision.

Binders would probably be what I would work with, because I don't hate my chest enough to want to take it away from my girlfriend. I know a lot of people seem to disagree with that idea in here, but she's important to me. If it makes no real difference to me either way, as long as I am perceived as male by the outside world, then why not? This isn't directed at you, but to anyone else who posted previously and rejected the idea outright: I have actually been doing some research since I considered being transgendered an option and gender dysphoria IS NOT necessary to feel like you are transgendered. Please stop assuming that just because I don't despise my body, it means there is no way I can be a man.

About the non-op thing, I was wondering if you've ever found (or heard) that pre- or post-operative transmen sort of "look down" so to speak on people who choose not to have surgery. Like, is it seen as making you less of a man or maybe like you're giving yourself escape routes if it's not for you? If this is an offensive question, I'm sorry and feel free not to answer it.

Again, thank you so much for your answer. I was beginning to lose hope that I would find something genuinely helpful and relating specifically to my feelings (no offense meant to any other posters!).
SkyeHeart -CD-
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Q: how do you know if you are transgendered?
A:You just know. You are, for sure. You like being identified as a boy, yes? So yes. You are what you want to be.

Q: have you/people you know had any issues with family since transitioning (or any nice stories you want to share)?
A: My grandma wants me to dress as a boy when I'm around her, because she just can't get her head around the fact that I'm just not a boy anymore. So I do, and I don't have a problem with that, I love old people and their quirks. My dad...lol My dad jesus, he just won't even address it, and acts as if I was never a boy to begin with. My mom as well. They just haven't even talked about it. No one talks about it. They just accepted it, after the 6 month period everyone was pissed I didn't tell them.

Q: is personality change through T a legitimate concern?
A: Nah.

Q: is it harder to be a non-op transman?
A: Other than having to wear bindings for your boobs, nah.

Q: anything else you can glean from the above ramble-fest?
A: Congratz, you're being who you want, pretty much.

Thank you for this! If I'd seen it before writing my reply to CynicalReality's post, I would have made you two tied for useful information.

I'm glad to find that someone else is willing to be their "old self" for the people they love, because I've found from a lot of people that I've spoken to that it's generally expected to just cut that out. For my family, that wouldn't be a huge change - really, they'd only be calling me by my old name since I already wear boys clothes exclusively. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who feels like that isn't cheating their trans-identity (if I "decide" I have one - I know it isn't a decision, but I can't think of another word. Hopefully you know what I mean. :'P).

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