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Fluffi Otter's avatar

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I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year. He's very sweet and he tries very hard to do everything he possibly can for me. He insists on telling me every day how madly in love he is with me.
Lately I really haven't been able to feel the same. He seems perfect, but he has some faults too.

Firstly, I cannot stand when he drinks... He has honestly done some very mean things when he has drank. He's yelled at me to the point where I'm reduced to tears, and he's even pushed me once. (Once while he was drinking he got very rough while we were doing some intimate things..)

Secondly, he can be very mean without even drinking. He always snaps back and apologizes profusely and begs me to forgive him, which I usually do. But sometimes I can't believe the things he will say when he is angry.

Thirdly, his jealousy problems are off the scale. Comments on my facebook or a guy friend texting me to say "Hello." He immediately gets upset and begins an argument. Its been so bad to where I've been sleeping and gotten a call at 4AM asking "Who is this guy that commented on your status." ... He also always uses the excuse that his ex girlfriend cheated on him and it changed him. He doesn't listen when I say I've done nothing wrong to be treated so suspiciously.

I'm making it seem like he is all bad, but he really isn't. He does his best to take me on dates, tell me I'm beautiful, make me feel loved and wanted. I care about him, but after all the bad things that have happened I slowly feel myself pulling away and not wanting to be with him anymore.

I tried to break up with him. He immediately got upset and started crying. He started saying things I found sort of manipulative.

"You'll never find a better father for your children than me!"
"You'll never find a man who will love you more or treat you as good as I do!"
etc etc...

I ended up sobbing and not being able to let go, and we're still together.
He makes me happy but completely unhappy at the same time.

And recently for the past week or so... Every night I have dreamed of being with another man in a romantic way. I always wake up feeling guilty and unsure. What should I do?
angel_259236102's avatar

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Yes end it. You are dealing with an emotinally abuse guy here and telling you you are love doesnt excuse his words and his actions otherwise.
fubenkunai's avatar

Dangerous Conversationalist

No, no, no. Oh, honey, no. That is not how relationships should work. The parts where he is nice to you and you are having fun should be the baseline of the relationship. The parts where he is jealous, violent, and abusive should not be there at all. When healthy people argue, they might be mad, they might raise voices, and they might be a bit dramatic, but they don't call names, accuse people of things they didn't do, or get physical. When you find yourself trying to justify someone's actions by saying, "Well, they do the bare minimum," you have a problem.

Your boyfriend is an abuser. He fits the classic pattern. He lured you in by being sweet, and he bribes you with dates or compliments after he is violent or abusive. He is doing this deliberately, so that you will not trust your own judgment. You will think that you are being too harsh, or that the bad times are not really that bad. The truth is that your judgment is just fine, and that the bad parts are really bad. If anything here is getting exaggerated, it's the good; like I said, all that stuff should be the bare minimum in a relationship, like washing your hands after you use the restroom or saying please and thank you. That stuff should just happen because that is how you treat your romantic partner. There are no gold stars for it because it is the least you should do.

The truth is that you will find a better guy. A lot of guys agree with me that being nice is just the standard for being in a relationship. A lot of guys would never raise a hand to you, or accuse you of cheating, or tell you that you're inferior. The good guys of the world would be appalled and angry at your boyfriend. Dump him and, when you're ready, go out and find a good guy. They exist and at least a few of them will like you, I promise.
Sexts's avatar

Tipsy Kitten

Never put a man before yourself. You're more important.

I honestly think he's being out of line, and I think that you could do better. It's early days yet and a year is nothing. Could you really imagine a future with this bad tempered guy? Would it be a good future? If you can't then I'd leave him as soon as possible. It can be hard, but you shouldn't be unhappy. You could meet someone who makes you completely happy rather than someone who loses their temper.

I know about the sobbing thing. I've been there recently. It's hard. I couldn't do it either. I changed my mind on the whole thing in the end, but that doesn't mean you should. Build up the courage and leave him. You're aware he's no good for you anyway.

The dreaming is also normal. Don't feel guilty. It happens to everyone but in this case I'd say it was probably just another sign that you're not happy with your relationship.
 Fading Fantasma's avatar

Dapper Werewolf

Leave him,things will only get worse.
Vinnie_Valentine's avatar

Deadeye

This is an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship and you need to get out of it ASAP.

It doesn't seem like you're in danger but what if one day he snaps? It is common for abusive partners to have drinking problems and by the sounds of it you put yourself at risk every time he drinks.

If there are as many bad moments in the relationship as there are good ones then it's not worth it. I would suggest writing a letter to him and pack all your things and leave while he's out. If you want to talk to him in person, still pack your things and send him a message to meet you in a public populated place where there are witnesses. I know taking these precautions seem extreme but this man is clearly unstable and unpredictable.

Trust me honey from someone whose been in the same boat, you'll be much happier after you leave and there's only a road of misery ahead if you stay. People don't change unless they want too and because you've put up with his behaviour for so long he is most certainly not going to change for you.

Please read this article.

Good luck hon. It breaks my heart to see another getting treated like this.
trigger police's avatar

Tipsy Gaian

If you need to come to an online forum to ask, then the answer is most likely yes.
RED FLAGS. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.

Yes, you should break up with him. He gets rough with you when he's drunk, is verbally and emotionally abusive even when he's sober, he has issues with other guys even saying "hello" to you, tells you that he's the best you'll ever do... You need to get away from him as soon as possible because it can only get worse, not better.

The times when he treats you right is part of the manipulation. It makes you question whether he's a bad guy or if he's a good guy who just has some jealousy and drinking issues. The bottom line is no one should try to control who talks to you, regardless of dating history. No one should degrade you to the point you are crying. No one should put their hands on you out of anger, drunk or sober. No one should tell you that you can't do better than an emotionally/verbally abusive drunk. You CAN do better. So much better.

I agree that you should pack your things, leave a note, and meet with him in a very public place for the break up. Don't let his tears fool you. Leave him and find a guy who treats you right.
dragonslord8o's avatar

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KuroNiji Kissu
I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year. He's very sweet and he tries very hard to do everything he possibly can for me. He insists on telling me every day how madly in love he is with me.
Lately I really haven't been able to feel the same. He seems perfect, but he has some faults too.

Firstly, I cannot stand when he drinks... He has honestly done some very mean things when he has drank. He's yelled at me to the point where I'm reduced to tears, and he's even pushed me once. (Once while he was drinking he got very rough while we were doing some intimate things..)

Secondly, he can be very mean without even drinking. He always snaps back and apologizes profusely and begs me to forgive him, which I usually do. But sometimes I can't believe the things he will say when he is angry.

Thirdly, his jealousy problems are off the scale. Comments on my facebook or a guy friend texting me to say "Hello." He immediately gets upset and begins an argument. Its been so bad to where I've been sleeping and gotten a call at 4AM asking "Who is this guy that commented on your status." ... He also always uses the excuse that his ex girlfriend cheated on him and it changed him. He doesn't listen when I say I've done nothing wrong to be treated so suspiciously.

I'm making it seem like he is all bad, but he really isn't. He does his best to take me on dates, tell me I'm beautiful, make me feel loved and wanted. I care about him, but after all the bad things that have happened I slowly feel myself pulling away and not wanting to be with him anymore.

I tried to break up with him. He immediately got upset and started crying. He started saying things I found sort of manipulative.

"You'll never find a better father for your children than me!"
"You'll never find a man who will love you more or treat you as good as I do!"
etc etc...

I ended up sobbing and not being able to let go, and we're still together.
He makes me happy but completely unhappy at the same time.

And recently for the past week or so... Every night I have dreamed of being with another man in a romantic way. I always wake up feeling guilty and unsure. What should I do?


you NEED to get away from him. I was raised by an abusive father (nearly 12 years). I was in and out of those relationships in highschool. Get away before it is too late.
Skittywittykins's avatar

Liberal Humorist

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KuroNiji Kissu


I have been in literally the exact same situation as this. I broke up with my guy and I have never been happier. Do what's right for you even if it makes him unhappy.
suncorpse's avatar

Dapper Noob

Skittywittykins
KuroNiji Kissu


I have been in literally the exact same situation as this. I broke up with my guy and I have never been happier. Do what's right for you even if it makes him unhappy.



I've also been in this exact same situation. And it was really hard for me to break free. He told me all the same things, that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, that no one would ever love me, etc. And I was going through a rough point in my life, a suicide attempt and hospitalization, so I feel like that somehow made things even worse. Everything I did for him was never good enough; I was the one supporting him with my job. He even had full custody of his 1yr old son whom he relied fully on his parents to take care of. This guy still keeps tabs on me, texting me stupid bullshit even though we've been done for over 3 months, lecturing me about how I'm living my life wrong and trying to get details on my new boyfriend. >_>

My current boyfriend is such a relief. I find myself apologizing to him for my guy friends talking to me, even though he doesn't care at all that they speak to me. I don't have to worry about him telling me I'm not good enough and to do better. Not worried about him asking me for money. Or, the biggest thing, not worried about him stealing my phone/computer just to talk to other girls inappropriately. o_o

Point of this is: get away. Run! There is better. (:
kadesha's avatar

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Since you have listed the "cons" of your bf, maybe you should also think about his "pros" so as to see both sides of the coin. Then weigh things out and decide. However, from what you wrote, I say end the relationship.
Little Moonwalker's avatar

Romantic Lunatic

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They say take the bad with the good. However, you have to see what the bad is and how it makes you feel. Ever couple fights, it happens, but this? This is basically abuse. He is emotionally manipulated you to the point where he can do whatever he wants, and then you'll stay because he's done 'good' things and begs like a child.

Bottom line? Get rid of him, before he begs and cries to you after he gives you a black eye or a broken bone.
Barbie Crotch's avatar

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Wow. You need to leave him. You will find someone who doesn't drink, who doesn't get physical with you, or insult you when he's angry. Things will only get worse.
Skittywittykins's avatar

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suncorpse
Skittywittykins
KuroNiji Kissu


I have been in literally the exact same situation as this. I broke up with my guy and I have never been happier. Do what's right for you even if it makes him unhappy.





My current boyfriend is such a relief. I find myself apologizing to him for my guy friends talking to me, even though he doesn't care at all that they speak to me. I don't have to worry about him telling me I'm not good enough and to do better. Not worried about him asking me for money. Or, the biggest thing, not worried about him stealing my phone/computer just to talk to other girls inappropriately. o_o

Point of this is: get away. Run! There is better. (:



I have a new guy in my life as well and he's fabulous. He never loses his temper and he is very caring. He treats me way better than my ex ever did.

I totally agree with you: There is better!

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