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i r i d e s s i c a n c e's avatar

Blessed Friend

Squishy1423
Hello Gaia. I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. K?

For the first twenty something years of my life I was alone. Sure I had the odd hookup here and there but it never went anywhere. Then I meet this girl on the Internet and we really hit it off. We like a lot of the same stuff and we get along great. There were a few annoyances as there are with any relationship I guess, but I figured we'd get past them.

So after we've been dating for about 6 months or so we decide to move in together. She refuses to leave her hometown and my job was getting shut down, so I moved here. At first it was ok, yes it was a big adjustment, but I got past that for her. I'm lookin for a job around here and unfortunately we live with her parents, don't get me started on them, but things are still generally ok.

But lately, idk I feel trapped or smothered or something I guess. I never thought I'd say this but I miss home. I miss my family. And weirdest of all I miss being single. A lot of things about her start bugging me like her strange refusal to get wifi, her massive OCD, her mood swings and crankyness. Normally to cope with things like this ( don't give your drugs are bad stuff, I've heard it all before and am not interested) I would smoke some weed. Calms me down, changes perspective, generally makes me feel good. But she always makes me feel guilty about it. If I even mention the subject I might like a toke, she gets downright hostile. Yet her family smoke cigs like chimneys. But whatever. I miss not having to censor myself for the feelings of another. I miss not feeling smothered.

Latley I find myself feeling like I should break up with her. Problem is that I really do love her. She does mostly make me happy. I really don't think she deserves to have her heart broken and she's so good to me too. I really don't know what to do. So I come to strangers seeking advice or something idk. Help?


What you need is your personal space and personal time. It's normal to feel smothered if you are constantly around her and do things you don't feel like putting up with. Why not set up a schedule and such? Tell her you need a night to go out by yourself and relax at a cafe, go visit friends, library, etc. And make sure you are detailed with her about it so her OCD won't lead to paranoia and fear you are cheating on her. But several hours a day a few days a week would do you some good. Just tell her you'll give her a text when you get to the place and when you are leaving and if something goes wrong you'll let her know about that too, other than that you'll have your phone off so you won't have to deal with anything but enjoying yourself.
On the other hand things will probly improve once I get a job and we have our own place
d a n d y - f a t - c a t's avatar

Man-Hungry Fatcat

Move out. I don't understand why people feel the need to move in with someone so fast.
You were only together for SIX MONTHS.
Slow down. You rushed into something and now you are unhappy. Neither you nor her will ever be happy if you just stay there for her.

YOU need to be happy too. And you aren't doing her justice just because you don't want to break her heart. She can find someone else while you can enjoy being single.

You can't have the best of both worlds.
I really think I should break it off and move on. I've thought that for a while. I'm just worried about hurting her. But what is strange, one equally worried on how I'm gonna get my stuff back...
I think you let yourself get way too involved too fast because you were desperate for a relationship instead of another hook-up. That's my honest opinion. You moved in with a girl you met online (nothing wrong with that) after knowing her for only six months (that's what's wrong) and moving to a place where you have no support (another big problem). Now, you've found that she is emotionally unstable and barely tolerable to live with. On top of that, you're both living with her parents.

You need to talk to her about balancing the relationship. You've made all these sacrifices to be with her, and for what? What has she given up to be with you? Nothing. You're living in her parents' home, feeling homesick, unemployed, and being made to feel like a deviant because you like to smoke marijuana every now and then. It's understandable that you feel frustrated and restless.

You two need to learn how to compromise. Why is the wifi an issue? Is she just stuck in her ways, or can they not afford it? If it's a financial issue, then you need to drop it until it can actually be addressed.

The smoking you're going to have to let go of. Her parents are adults. If they want to wreck their health by chain-smoking, then they can do just that. If they are doing it around you and you're concerned about second-hand smoke, then you can try talking to them. HOWEVER, this is their home and you are but a guest. Do not be at all surprised if they tell you to suck it up and deal. You shouldn't be smoking period, but I'm not going to tell you to quit because "drugs are bad." If you want to continue smoking, then you need to work it out with your girlfriend and her parents. If her parents don't like you smoking it in their home, then you need to respect that and take it outside or somewhere else.

She has OCD... Is she taking medication and/or going to therapy to get control over it? Does she have an actual diagnosis? Or does she just freak-out when you touch her things? If she has OCD and is not being treated for it, then that's something you should talk to her about. You cannot make her do anything, but you can express your concerns to her. If the OCD is so out of control that it is negatively affecting your relationship, then she needs to make the compromise of getting help. Likewise, if you know she has OCD, you need to ask her what YOU can do to help her. If that means asking her permission before you touch something of hers, then ask her.

As for her mood swings and crankiness, what are the causes? Does she have decent sleep hygiene? By that I mean, going to sleep at the same time every day, waking up at the same time every morning, not using electronics an hour before turning in, and not exercising too close to bed time. What is her diet like? Does she have some sort of hormonal imbalance? Does she have clinical depression? Does she have trouble with stress or anxiety? Is it really just about her? Or are you doing things to stress her out?

Relationships are all about compromise. If there's a problem, BOTH parties need to work on the solution. It should never be one person giving up on everything for the other. If she's not willing to work with you, then you need to break up and move back home. No one really deserves to have his/her heart broken, but when a relationship isn't working and you've done your best to fix it, you inevitably have to break-up.
fubenkunai
I think you're confusing the bare minimum with something rare and special. So you get along pretty well most of the time, and she's not mean to you. That should just be your starting place for a partner. There should be a whole hell of a lot on top of that, like how you can be yourself (You can't), or you share a lot of interests (You didn't mention that), or you work out ways to deal with your differences (You don't). It sounds like you are with this girl because she's there, and because she's not crappy to you. And that's no reason to be in a relationship. It's demeaning to both of you. You don't ever have to stay with someone simply because they're not crappy or abusive, okay. If you are having these big negative feelings, I think you know what that means you need to do.


Logic. This chick has some.
fubenkunai's avatar

Sparkly Dabbler

Robot Giny
Squishy1423
Ugh. I'm just gonna say I havnt smoked weed in like 3 weeks now. I'm no more dependant than someone who drinks enough for a buzz every third day.
The issue isn't that you're an addict (which I would never classify you as) the real issue is that you're not happy, and you need something to make you feel, at the very least, content. You should be happy with the people you're with, or you should leave.

It sounds like you made a bunch of changes and sacrifices to be with her, and she hasn't really done that. You're away from all your friends and family, in a new town, but you're not seeing her make the same changes in her life so you two can be happy. That would cause a lot of resentment and pent-up feelings on your part.

And you say you love her and she makes you happy, but has she made an effort to make you feel comfortable in your new home? Has she made changes in her life to accommodate your relationship?

This. You seem to be settling in the worst possible way. If you were sitting in a really uncomfortable chair and someone asked if you were comfortable, you wouldn't say, "Well, I'm not on fire, so I'm great," you'd say, "Actually, I'm not comfortable." You might not be on fire here, but you're definitely not kicking it in a nice squishy recliner either. "Not being on fire" is not a criterion, okay?
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Squishy1423
Ugh. I'm just gonna say I havnt smoked weed in like 3 weeks now. I'm no more dependant than someone who drinks enough for a buzz every third day.
The issue isn't that you're an addict (which I would never classify you as) the real issue is that you're not happy, and you need something to make you feel, at the very least, content. You should be happy with the people you're with, or you should leave.

It sounds like you made a bunch of changes and sacrifices to be with her, and she hasn't really done that. You're away from all your friends and family, in a new town, but you're not seeing her make the same changes in her life so you two can be happy. That would cause a lot of resentment and pent-up feelings on your part.

And you say you love her and she makes you happy, but has she made an effort to make you feel comfortable in your new home? Has she made changes in her life to accommodate your relationship?
Ugh. I'm just gonna say I havnt smoked weed in like 3 weeks now. I'm no more dependant than someone who drinks enough for a buzz every third day.
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It sounds like you are trying to make somethign that is not even close to being a good relationship work. You shouldnt have moved in only 6 months in the relationship. You dont evenlive on your own here, but with HER parnets. This is s**t already. Then you are kinda too dependent on a drug is probably illegal where you are, and she has a lot of issues of her own.

Just breka u, move home, and stop playing house. Everyone gets their heart broken, we actually all deserve that.
fubenkunai's avatar

Sparkly Dabbler

I think you're confusing the bare minimum with something rare and special. So you get along pretty well most of the time, and she's not mean to you. That should just be your starting place for a partner. There should be a whole hell of a lot on top of that, like how you can be yourself (You can't), or you share a lot of interests (You didn't mention that), or you work out ways to deal with your differences (You don't). It sounds like you are with this girl because she's there, and because she's not crappy to you. And that's no reason to be in a relationship. It's demeaning to both of you. You don't ever have to stay with someone simply because they're not crappy or abusive, okay. If you are having these big negative feelings, I think you know what that means you need to do.
Bumping to see what else people say
Most relationships don't work out. Especially our first ones, which are often our most passionate ones. You may love her, but if you can't get along with her, you need to think about how that's going to work out in the long run. If you feel like you need to end your relationship, than you probably do. It's always best to do these things sooner, rather than later.
Hey bud! This is normal.

It seems you are getting to a point where you need to grow up and move out on your own, with (or without) the lady. In your case, I'd probably pass off my feelings of ambiguity of maintaining a relationship to the extreme changes you've made thus far- only to be in the same situation of living under a roof that also has parents under it.

Am I far off?
Hello Gaia. I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. K?

For the first twenty something years of my life I was alone. Sure I had the odd hookup here and there but it never went anywhere. Then I meet this girl on the Internet and we really hit it off. We like a lot of the same stuff and we get along great. There were a few annoyances as there are with any relationship I guess, but I figured we'd get past them.

So after we've been dating for about 6 months or so we decide to move in together. She refuses to leave her hometown and my job was getting shut down, so I moved here. At first it was ok, yes it was a big adjustment, but I got past that for her. I'm lookin for a job around here and unfortunately we live with her parents, don't get me started on them, but things are still generally ok.

But lately, idk I feel trapped or smothered or something I guess. I never thought I'd say this but I miss home. I miss my family. And weirdest of all I miss being single. A lot of things about her start bugging me like her strange refusal to get wifi, her massive OCD, her mood swings and crankyness. Normally to cope with things like this ( don't give your drugs are bad stuff, I've heard it all before and am not interested) I would smoke some weed. Calms me down, changes perspective, generally makes me feel good. But she always makes me feel guilty about it. If I even mention the subject I might like a toke, she gets downright hostile. Yet her family smoke cigs like chimneys. But whatever. I miss not having to censor myself for the feelings of another. I miss not feeling smothered.

Latley I find myself feeling like I should break up with her. Problem is that I really do love her. She does mostly make me happy. I really don't think she deserves to have her heart broken and she's so good to me too. I really don't know what to do. So I come to strangers seeking advice or something idk. Help?

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