I hate myself but I love others

[Wuvvie]

So the past two years have been a steep hole for me. My personal hell has found its way to engulf me with problems out of my control that are extremely personal but it's made it's way to the point of not knowing why I exist.
For the past two weeks though, I've noticed myself becoming more humble towards complete strangers. I'll give you some examples.

✔ I believe it was Wednesday that I was at lunch, reading my A Game Of Thrones book. (Unrelated note: I'm completely obsessed) I usually hang out with these two girls but recently I decided to sit at a table where I could get homework assistance from some guys who want me to sit with them. Along comes an awkward kid, lets call him Sywan, and it appears one person at the table had a class with him and found him irritating. I asked why, he could give me no direct reason beyond that fact that this boy was socially awkward and didn't know what to say but was polite about everything. The guy who I'm copying homework off of starts telling him to screw off and has his friends all try to bully him away, saying "he has other friends to follow around" and I'm like "whom?" and he points at the table next to us. I ask "this one here?" he nods. I shut my book, get up, patiently walk over. I approach a table of outcasts who no one wants to hang out with either. I ask them all, "are you fond of Sywan?" only one out of the 4 or 5 of them say yes and she is what everyone at my new table are calling stalker girl. I'm frustrated and tell them all to just shut the ******** up and stop bullying this kid. That it doesn't make them cool or better people. I ask Sywan if he would like to hang out with me instead and he moves to the other end of our table. Everyone was silent but did ask me to leave and all still favor me.

✔ Today I noticed a boy on a wheelchair that I notice almost daily. I always feel the need to walk up to him and offer my assistance. He has books to carry on his leg and they are not steady so I assume they probably fall a lot. I was reading on a bench waiting for the bell to ring when he came up to a small group of people and had what seemed to be a nice conversation by the laughing I heard and it made me feel good that he can be happy in his condition. Then when the bell rang two girls walked extra slowly in front of him blocking his passage to the door way. When he finally got there I bolted to catch up so I could open it and I noticed how much of a struggle it is for him to try and reach the knob without almost falling over. His voice was grateful and happy when he thanked me and as I walked off I choked up and almost shed a tear.


I can do things for people and animals and it would feel amazing helping people but I feel so limited in my options on the future I have no idea what to do. I don't exactly try in school. I do all the work but my scores usually suck. My at home problems never end. I move a lot. I have a drinking problem and a cutting problem. I'm terrible with relationships so I pretty much prefer being alone before I end up to clingy or to detached. It's either I don't care at all or I care too much. I did stop cutting these past couple of weeks though and haven't had cravings. But my depression...It lingers. I contemplate suicide regularly. I need to know how it can possibly get better.

[Lapin Toxiques]

Well, if you've got a minute to listen I can tell you that it can get better. It's funny after reading that, because I sound like that once socially awkward kid back in high school. Yet I'd still make the effort to stick up for people, which usually resulted in people beating the s**t out of me. Which I guess makes me feel like why I have to be such a well mannered and kind individual. I don't want to be like most of today's cruel society and condone to such behavior. I want to help those people that are truly in need.

Anywho, I've heard vaguely about your life situation at him. School isn't the end all answer to everything. I know people who live happily just working a normal basic job. It can be rough, but it's possible. It's not easy, and there are efforts that are required, such as taking initiative to find a job. I think I'm terrible at relationships, and if you truly feel youre better off alone, then there's nothing wrong with that. But I dont think anyone is happy with the thought being alone deep down just based off human nature.

It can get better though.

[angel_259236102]

Im on the 2nd book, A clash of kings I think? Dunno.

Thing is you can be as nice as you want, but it doesnt change the fact that otehrs are mean. So be nice to the kids who get bullied and all that, and you will be nice. And that is great. Yes you have your own issues but that doesnt mean that you cant still be nice.

Now can it get better? Of course, but drinking and cutting isnt really going to get you to that place. Dont be afriad to ask for help.

[xVallx]

Start off by cutting out the drinking problem, by doing that you will be more energized and focused at school, seek extra out of class help or tutoring if it's available, I sucked at school because of depression, but I got whatever help that I could. After this, focus on the cutting, will yourself not to do it. I used the elastic band method which you can use a ponytail holder, so it doesn't look weird. Snap it every time that you feel the urge to cut, the scars will eventually fade away and you'll forget about it. If you have the finances available, go out shopping for new clothes, personally, I go to value village... Due to limited money income, changing up your style will help boost your self-esteem. I hope this helps. 3nodding

[Hope Legacy]

I agree with Vall's statements, but often times it just takes some serious internal discussions with your self to find out where all the pain is coming from to begin with, then accept the pain for what it is.

You are your own worst critic. You've already done some amazingly wonderful things - the people whose lives you've touched have gained some hope in humanity, and you're already making the kind of changes that align with who you are rather than who is popular.

My advice: keep going and don't give up on yourself. There are people all around you who love you whether or not you see it regularly. heart

[Wuvvie]

Hope Legacy

I agree with Vall's statements, but often times it just takes some serious internal discussions with your self to find out where all the pain is coming from to begin with, then accept the pain for what it is.

You are your own worst critic. You've already done some amazingly wonderful things - the people whose lives you've touched have gained some hope in humanity, and you're already making the kind of changes that align with who you are rather than who is popular.

My advice: keep going and don't give up on yourself. There are people all around you who love you whether or not you see it regularly. heart

I know where the pain comes from. That's easy.
My location: I hate Florida with a passion and moving here 8 years ago still doesn't mend the scaring it's done to me, losing most opportunities I had living in the greatest state of all, in my opinion, New York.
Financial situation: Lost all money when mother decided to open a shop. Money doesn't mean much but having to move from a giant house to an average place, to the ghetto(where I am now..gunshots and low income means ghetto to me), to now Naples where the house is infested with snakes, termites, scorpions, and tarantulas, as well as rotted walls and ceilings and a giant hole in the side...makes me very depressed. But hey, out of my control.
My family: My mother gives me emotional grief over all. I am the cause of her failing marriage because of father issues. She also kicked me out at 15 because she couldn't handle my attitude.
I do not know my real father.
My step father of 17 years abused me, tried to rape me, beat me and my mother and siblings.
My siblings hate me and openly admit that.
I am the outcast of the family because I'm weird and no one wants to get to know me. I try talking to people at family gatherings and they all shun me.
Relationships: I've had one person who helped me for a whole 6 months when I was 13 dealing with all of this and that was the happiest time of my life even though I had been going through the hell that is my life. She left, never to return because she also hates me for loving her too much. Since then no one has had my full heart, I tried giving it but people just want it broken so I don't give anyone that chance.

[Wuvvie]

xVallx

Start off by cutting out the drinking problem, by doing that you will be more energized and focused at school, seek extra out of class help or tutoring if it's available, I sucked at school because of depression, but I got whatever help that I could. After this, focus on the cutting, will yourself not to do it. I used the elastic band method which you can use a ponytail holder, so it doesn't look weird. Snap it every time that you feel the urge to cut, the scars will eventually fade away and you'll forget about it. If you have the finances available, go out shopping for new clothes, personally, I go to value village... Due to limited money income, changing up your style will help boost your self-esteem. I hope this helps. 3nodding

I'll start off by saying my financial situation is so tight it's as though it is no situation. The money just isn't there and we're barely getting by because my lazy ******** of a brother is too self-important to get a job, instead he sits there and smokes all day and plays video games and tells me to go kill myself. I have to many things to worry about at school to focus on working a job. Plus no one wants to hire someone who can't wear short sleeves. I changed my style to band shirts every day. I haven't cut in over two weeks and I'm very proud of that. But I'm still resorting to narcotics and alcohol. I hate myself...I wish I were dead. But I know...or at least a part of me knows maybe something...anything little can change me. I hope..I'm trying.

[xVallx]

Wuvvie

xVallx

Start off by cutting out the drinking problem, by doing that you will be more energized and focused at school, seek extra out of class help or tutoring if it's available, I sucked at school because of depression, but I got whatever help that I could. After this, focus on the cutting, will yourself not to do it. I used the elastic band method which you can use a ponytail holder, so it doesn't look weird. Snap it every time that you feel the urge to cut, the scars will eventually fade away and you'll forget about it. If you have the finances available, go out shopping for new clothes, personally, I go to value village... Due to limited money income, changing up your style will help boost your self-esteem. I hope this helps. 3nodding

I'll start off by saying my financial situation is so tight it's as though it is no situation. The money just isn't there and we're barely getting by because my lazy ******** of a brother is too self-important to get a job, instead he sits there and smokes all day and plays video games and tells me to go kill myself. I have to many things to worry about at school to focus on working a job. Plus no one wants to hire someone who can't wear short sleeves. I changed my style to band shirts every day. I haven't cut in over two weeks and I'm very proud of that. But I'm still resorting to narcotics and alcohol. I hate myself...I wish I were dead. But I know...or at least a part of me knows maybe something...anything little can change me. I hope..I'm trying.

Hmmm... Maybe start putting away the money that you would otherwise spend on the narcotics and alcohol, and save it up until you maybe get a summer job when you're not busy with school. In the meantime, you can probably join a club in your school, or take up a hobby to keep yourself busy.

[Hope Legacy]

Wuvvie

Hope Legacy

I agree with Vall's statements, but often times it just takes some serious internal discussions with your self to find out where all the pain is coming from to begin with, then accept the pain for what it is.

You are your own worst critic. You've already done some amazingly wonderful things - the people whose lives you've touched have gained some hope in humanity, and you're already making the kind of changes that align with who you are rather than who is popular.

My advice: keep going and don't give up on yourself. There are people all around you who love you whether or not you see it regularly. heart

I know where the pain comes from. That's easy.
My location: I hate Florida with a passion and moving here 8 years ago still doesn't mend the scaring it's done to me, losing most opportunities I had living in the greatest state of all, in my opinion, New York.
Financial situation: Lost all money when mother decided to open a shop. Money doesn't mean much but having to move from a giant house to an average place, to the ghetto(where I am now..gunshots and low income means ghetto to me), to now Naples where the house is infested with snakes, termites, scorpions, and tarantulas, as well as rotted walls and ceilings and a giant hole in the side...makes me very depressed. But hey, out of my control.
My family: My mother gives me emotional grief over all. I am the cause of her failing marriage because of father issues. She also kicked me out at 15 because she couldn't handle my attitude.
I do not know my real father.
My step father of 17 years abused me, tried to rape me, beat me and my mother and siblings.
My siblings hate me and openly admit that.
I am the outcast of the family because I'm weird and no one wants to get to know me. I try talking to people at family gatherings and they all shun me.
Relationships: I've had one person who helped me for a whole 6 months when I was 13 dealing with all of this and that was the happiest time of my life even though I had been going through the hell that is my life. She left, never to return because she also hates me for loving her too much. Since then no one has had my full heart, I tried giving it but people just want it broken so I don't give anyone that chance.

Wow that sucks really bad, but the fact that you've decided to live this long is great. When it gets that bad, usually it's best to just try to take it one day at a time. Glad to see that you haven't given up yet, and that you're trying to get better.

Just because you're weird shouldn't make you an outcast of the family. You've been treated like less than human, so I can see why you might think yourself less than normal, but you are just as human as anyone else, and deserve to live just as much as anyone else. It is up to you to find your happiness, though, and it seems like you have found it in helping other people. Sometimes it is the smallest things that work the wonders.

[Wuvvie]

xVallx

Wuvvie

xVallx

Start off by cutting out the drinking problem, by doing that you will be more energized and focused at school, seek extra out of class help or tutoring if it's available, I sucked at school because of depression, but I got whatever help that I could. After this, focus on the cutting, will yourself not to do it. I used the elastic band method which you can use a ponytail holder, so it doesn't look weird. Snap it every time that you feel the urge to cut, the scars will eventually fade away and you'll forget about it. If you have the finances available, go out shopping for new clothes, personally, I go to value village... Due to limited money income, changing up your style will help boost your self-esteem. I hope this helps. 3nodding

I'll start off by saying my financial situation is so tight it's as though it is no situation. The money just isn't there and we're barely getting by because my lazy ******** of a brother is too self-important to get a job, instead he sits there and smokes all day and plays video games and tells me to go kill myself. I have to many things to worry about at school to focus on working a job. Plus no one wants to hire someone who can't wear short sleeves. I changed my style to band shirts every day. I haven't cut in over two weeks and I'm very proud of that. But I'm still resorting to narcotics and alcohol. I hate myself...I wish I were dead. But I know...or at least a part of me knows maybe something...anything little can change me. I hope..I'm trying.

Hmmm... Maybe start putting away the money that you would otherwise spend on the narcotics and alcohol, and save it up until you maybe get a summer job when you're not busy with school. In the meantime, you can probably join a club in your school, or take up a hobby to keep yourself busy.

I'm not the one paying for the narcotics or alco. It's just available.
Good advice though and I'll keep it in mind.

[Wuvvie]

Hope Legacy

Wuvvie

Hope Legacy

I agree with Vall's statements, but often times it just takes some serious internal discussions with your self to find out where all the pain is coming from to begin with, then accept the pain for what it is.

You are your own worst critic. You've already done some amazingly wonderful things - the people whose lives you've touched have gained some hope in humanity, and you're already making the kind of changes that align with who you are rather than who is popular.

My advice: keep going and don't give up on yourself. There are people all around you who love you whether or not you see it regularly. heart

I know where the pain comes from. That's easy.
My location: I hate Florida with a passion and moving here 8 years ago still doesn't mend the scaring it's done to me, losing most opportunities I had living in the greatest state of all, in my opinion, New York.
Financial situation: Lost all money when mother decided to open a shop. Money doesn't mean much but having to move from a giant house to an average place, to the ghetto(where I am now..gunshots and low income means ghetto to me), to now Naples where the house is infested with snakes, termites, scorpions, and tarantulas, as well as rotted walls and ceilings and a giant hole in the side...makes me very depressed. But hey, out of my control.
My family: My mother gives me emotional grief over all. I am the cause of her failing marriage because of father issues. She also kicked me out at 15 because she couldn't handle my attitude.
I do not know my real father.
My step father of 17 years abused me, tried to rape me, beat me and my mother and siblings.
My siblings hate me and openly admit that.
I am the outcast of the family because I'm weird and no one wants to get to know me. I try talking to people at family gatherings and they all shun me.
Relationships: I've had one person who helped me for a whole 6 months when I was 13 dealing with all of this and that was the happiest time of my life even though I had been going through the hell that is my life. She left, never to return because she also hates me for loving her too much. Since then no one has had my full heart, I tried giving it but people just want it broken so I don't give anyone that chance.

Wow that sucks really bad, but the fact that you've decided to live this long is great. When it gets that bad, usually it's best to just try to take it one day at a time. Glad to see that you haven't given up yet, and that you're trying to get better.

Just because you're weird shouldn't make you an outcast of the family. You've been treated like less than human, so I can see why you might think yourself less than normal, but you are just as human as anyone else, and deserve to live just as much as anyone else. It is up to you to find your happiness, though, and it seems like you have found it in helping other people. Sometimes it is the smallest things that work the wonders.

Actually.. I have given up, a long time ago. I've already attempted suicide. But yes, I am trying to change and be better. If only it weren't so hard.
I like helping others because I don't want to see anyone become like me.
If one less person were depressed, and I could help them through their struggles, it would mean the world to me.
I also really love animals and want to give them nice homes. ; o ;
I really hate tropical areas but I would go to Costa Rica for the sloths. -w-;;

[Hope Legacy]

Wuvvie

Hope Legacy

Wuvvie

Hope Legacy

I agree with Vall's statements, but often times it just takes some serious internal discussions with your self to find out where all the pain is coming from to begin with, then accept the pain for what it is.

You are your own worst critic. You've already done some amazingly wonderful things - the people whose lives you've touched have gained some hope in humanity, and you're already making the kind of changes that align with who you are rather than who is popular.

My advice: keep going and don't give up on yourself. There are people all around you who love you whether or not you see it regularly. heart

I know where the pain comes from. That's easy.
My location: I hate Florida with a passion and moving here 8 years ago still doesn't mend the scaring it's done to me, losing most opportunities I had living in the greatest state of all, in my opinion, New York.
Financial situation: Lost all money when mother decided to open a shop. Money doesn't mean much but having to move from a giant house to an average place, to the ghetto(where I am now..gunshots and low income means ghetto to me), to now Naples where the house is infested with snakes, termites, scorpions, and tarantulas, as well as rotted walls and ceilings and a giant hole in the side...makes me very depressed. But hey, out of my control.
My family: My mother gives me emotional grief over all. I am the cause of her failing marriage because of father issues. She also kicked me out at 15 because she couldn't handle my attitude.
I do not know my real father.
My step father of 17 years abused me, tried to rape me, beat me and my mother and siblings.
My siblings hate me and openly admit that.
I am the outcast of the family because I'm weird and no one wants to get to know me. I try talking to people at family gatherings and they all shun me.
Relationships: I've had one person who helped me for a whole 6 months when I was 13 dealing with all of this and that was the happiest time of my life even though I had been going through the hell that is my life. She left, never to return because she also hates me for loving her too much. Since then no one has had my full heart, I tried giving it but people just want it broken so I don't give anyone that chance.

Wow that sucks really bad, but the fact that you've decided to live this long is great. When it gets that bad, usually it's best to just try to take it one day at a time. Glad to see that you haven't given up yet, and that you're trying to get better.

Just because you're weird shouldn't make you an outcast of the family. You've been treated like less than human, so I can see why you might think yourself less than normal, but you are just as human as anyone else, and deserve to live just as much as anyone else. It is up to you to find your happiness, though, and it seems like you have found it in helping other people. Sometimes it is the smallest things that work the wonders.

Actually.. I have given up, a long time ago. I've already attempted suicide. But yes, I am trying to change and be better. If only it weren't so hard.
I like helping others because I don't want to see anyone become like me.
If one less person were depressed, and I could help them through their struggles, it would mean the world to me.
I also really love animals and want to give them nice homes. ; o ;
I really hate tropical areas but I would go to Costa Rica for the sloths. -w-;;

Anything worth having is worth working for it, for sure. I was in a similar place in life a while ago, and decided instead of worrying about myself I would try to make the world a better place for everyone with what I have where I can, so to me it sounds like you know what you need to do basically and are well on your way towards reaching that goal. and sloths are jsut about one of the cutest animals on the planet. I heard somewhere they only poo like once every two weeks.

[xVallx]

Wuvvie

xVallx

Wuvvie

xVallx

Start off by cutting out the drinking problem, by doing that you will be more energized and focused at school, seek extra out of class help or tutoring if it's available, I sucked at school because of depression, but I got whatever help that I could. After this, focus on the cutting, will yourself not to do it. I used the elastic band method which you can use a ponytail holder, so it doesn't look weird. Snap it every time that you feel the urge to cut, the scars will eventually fade away and you'll forget about it. If you have the finances available, go out shopping for new clothes, personally, I go to value village... Due to limited money income, changing up your style will help boost your self-esteem. I hope this helps. 3nodding

I'll start off by saying my financial situation is so tight it's as though it is no situation. The money just isn't there and we're barely getting by because my lazy ******** of a brother is too self-important to get a job, instead he sits there and smokes all day and plays video games and tells me to go kill myself. I have to many things to worry about at school to focus on working a job. Plus no one wants to hire someone who can't wear short sleeves. I changed my style to band shirts every day. I haven't cut in over two weeks and I'm very proud of that. But I'm still resorting to narcotics and alcohol. I hate myself...I wish I were dead. But I know...or at least a part of me knows maybe something...anything little can change me. I hope..I'm trying.

Hmmm... Maybe start putting away the money that you would otherwise spend on the narcotics and alcohol, and save it up until you maybe get a summer job when you're not busy with school. In the meantime, you can probably join a club in your school, or take up a hobby to keep yourself busy.

I'm not the one paying for the narcotics or alco. It's just available.
Good advice though and I'll keep it in mind.

Just do what you can do, you seem like a good person to me, surround yourself with the right kind of people, and keep doing nice things, what goes around comes around. Try to remember that your situation in life right now isn't going to be permanent, by keeping up with your studies, you can move back to New York one day for school or work and leave the past behind. Keep your chin up.