I feel a retardation of the emotional variety. Advice?

[FEEL MY FIRES]

I just got into a relationship, finally.

That sounds like it's not gravely important, but to me, it's important. I generally avoid being in relationships, let alone allow the potential for one. But here's the dirt.

I met this girl at the end of summer and now it's mid-fall and rapidly nearing the end of the semester. She doesn't go to school with me but I manage to hang out with this girl on a daily basis despite my excessive work and schoolwork schedule.

Again, so what?

She's in love with me, and I've been having sex with her and I like her too. I like her. But when I like people, I want them to go away. It's how I've learned to be. Whenever I try to get her to go away, she doesn't leave and a significant part of me doesn't want her to at all. I look forward to seeing her every day. I never want to leave when I'm around her. And she never wants me to leave.

I'm jealous of her friends and I told her that. Jealousy is something that upsets me, genuinely. I don't understand the feeling of jealousy, but she does and she accepts the fact that I'm jealous and doesn't find herself put off by it. This girl just throws money at me, if I say I need something or want something, she ends up buying when I plan on paying. I feel bad having her pay for everything and sometimes I feel I should be doing the paying even though I don't make nearly as much as she does.

When we're intimate, I spend a lot of time pleasuring her. And I actually don't mind it at all. She wants to do the same, but usually I insist that I don't need to be because it's enough for me to get her off. She thinks I'm just not telling her what I want. She always wants to know what's going on in my head and I have trouble telling her every single time she asks what I'm thinking. I never complain around her. She encourages me to do so, but I just can't.

Basically, my problem is that I'm not sure how to handle this situation. It needs to take a direction and I feel kind of emotionally retarded. I'm not good at understanding this kind of thing, so I need some input or advice. Anything.

[legnanellaf5]

Well first off make sure that you are your own people. The biggest mistake couples do is that thy loose themselves, you are a unit but also your own person, and so you have your friends and have your life. You here are jealous, and so you have to look at why you are jealous. Why are you inseucre? You both are being a bit too clingy, although you trying to push her away is bad, you do need to have your own lives. Do you have friends?

Let her pleasure you in sex. Sex should not be one sided and you are being selfish in a way by avoiding the act on you too, you arent being an equal partner, and she isnt with you so you can be a d***o. You need to learn to open up, and that includes letting yourself go during sex. Other stuff will take time, and will require you to actively work on talking about what you are feeling.

Dont worry about money.

[Laybunny]

To be honest, I can relate to you maybe more than I can advise you! I'm completely new (or emotionally retarded, as you say) to relationships. I'm not really sure how to view them or how to behave. I do agree that it's very important and people who casually and thoughtlessly get into relationships baffle me to some degree, because I view them pretty seriously and I avoid them as well. The amount of guys that have liked me and I have just told them I wanted to be friends is a little unsoundly.

However, I think it's a little concerning that when you like someone you push them away from you. Are you afraid of getting attached, and then getting hurt? Would you prefer that this relationship be casual and about sex, rather than more serious and romantic? Could you see it being long-term? It may help to ask some questions and evaluate your feelings, but try not to overdo this. When you're asking so many questions that you began to worry and stress, you need to stop yourself. Realize that your emotions right now are more important than what your emotions had been in the past, or will be in the future. Make sure you feel comfortable in the relationship and if any small problem begins to arise, try to speak with her and work it out before it escalates into a larger problem.

I think the fact you don't feel comfortable complaining around her is a little bit of a concern, esp. considering that she is asking you to. As uncomfortable as you may feel (and trust me, I share these feelings!), you do need to express if something is wrong and you do need to tell her when bad things are happening. This is a little more of a serious case but I had self-harmed, and the person I'm dating had figured out and I didn't tell him. He was really upset with me and told me that if anything was wrong in my life, I should tell him. It actually took him a few times of getting on my case about this for me to eventually start telling him when I was having problems in my life, and I think it's better this way. It's a sign of trust and communication.

She makes more money than you do and she wants to spoil you. I know it's surprising, but people actually gain happiness from spoiling other people. Let me ask you something. Do you like giving people things? When you buy something for someone and they express genuine thanks, it does make you feel good, doesn't it? That applies even more to someone you love and that you're dating. So don't feel guilty about it-- you don't owe her anything in return since I'm sure she enjoys paying for you, and if she didn't, that's up to her to express her concerns with you. I'd say that's the top thing about relationships.

If you take away anything from my insanely long rambling, it's that communication is essential. It's key for long-term relationships, short-term relationships, friends with benefits, whatever have you. If there's a problem, address it before it gets too big for you to handle without exploding. Tell her what you've been telling random people on gaia, that you have trouble complaining to her and maybe that you feel guilty that she pays for you. I know it's scary to bring these sort of things up, but it's extremely healthy for the relationship to practice openness. My partner and I keep no secrets whatsoever. If he asks me something, I reply honestly, and vise versa. If it wasn't this way, I don't feel like I would trust him or he would trust me, and it just wouldn't work very well because there's a lack of security there. Communicate about how you feel, problems you're having, and yes, what you would want sexually from her. If it would make her happy to pleasure you too, then you should let her give a try, since you should be able to relate knowing just pleasuring her makes you happy.

I hope that helped some. emotion_bigheart emotion_hug