I don't know what to think...

[Xxblood_drainerxX]

My boyfriend did something kind of sketchy recently and it's been bothering me ever since.

He was sleeping over at my house recently and I had just gotten out of the shower and was changing in my room. I happened to notice his phone and (I know this was wrong of me) I looked through his messages. I found one where he asked a girl (someone at our school) for a tit pic (she didn't give him one) then proceeded to tell her he used to like her. He had told me recently that he used to like this girl but then seeing this I felt kind of betrayed and like I couldn't trust him. I confronted him and he said I shouldn't have been looking at his phone in the first place and I said he shouldn't be doing stuff like that. He said the tit pic was a joke and telling girls he used to like them was a weird habit of his but... eh... I still feel really weird about it.

This was over a month ago and we've regained each others trust a bit but It still bothers me. He doesn't talk to her anymore because he felt weird talking to her after what went down between us and he promised to never do it again but, idk.

I asked him if he knew this was going to hurt me and e said that's why he was hiding it. I don't understand why he'd do it in the first place if he knew it was gonna hurt my feelings. And then to hide it from me! How do I know he wont just hide something worse from me. He cheated on one of his girlfriends before, and he said he completely regretted doing it and only did it because he was going through a rough patch with her but, I don't know, am I worrying too much?

[Like Totally Not A Mule]

Oooh, this is a tough one. I've been in a similar situation.

Instead of laying guilt and blame and building a wall between you, sit down and talk. The method I've been taught has overlaps with brainwashing - one person talks and the other person shuts up and listens. When they are done, the other person repeats what they heard. Repeat these two until the first person agrees. Then, the second person talks while the other listens.

Or, you can break up, since the former takes work. It may end up being the option you take, so be ready for that. Good luck.

[Xxblood_drainerxX]

Like Totally Not A Mule

When I try to talk to him about it, he does two things.

1) He refuses to listen to what I say and claims I am the only one who's done something wrong.

and

2) He gets very angry and just ignores me or threatens to dump me because I'm annoying him so much.

I've been sort of leaning towards just dumping him but we'll have such great times together. Like today, it was wonderful and nothing went wrong and I wouldn't dream of leaving him. It's all so confusing.

[Your Akina]

Evidently, neither of you are trustworthy. Shame on him for soliciting outside the relationship. Shame on you for snooping. Both of you have some things to work on, and if you're interested in maintaining the relationship, work on them together. Start with discussing the comfortable boundaries in the relationship and what you both want out of it.

You either need to forgive him or forget him. You can't hold on to the incident and expect to move on. Make the choice to forgive and work on the relationship or forget about it and dump him.

[La Danse Macabre]

While it was wrong of you to look through his phone, you obviously did not completely trust him. If he refuses to sit down and listen to what you have to say, then it sounds like you should break up with him. Ask yourself this: do the good times outweigh the bad?

[Like Totally Not A Mule]

It sounds to me - and I disclaimer this with this is only my opinion and I do not have a monopoly on the truth - as though you're going to break up sometime.

You have completely valid concerns. He cheated in the past, and stepped really into that grey area that people seem to think exists when it comes to infidelity * in the present relationship. You want reassurance from him that it won't happen again and that he cares for you. If he wants to be a good boyfriend, he should give that.

There's always two people. You admitted you were wrong. I'm sure you've told him that.

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. One of them, at least. It takes two to do it, and if he's not willing to do so, why should you charge the breakup with more pain? I mean, by all means, really do talk to each other and listen and hear first, but... yeah. >.>




* I'm personally too jealous to bother being smart about such things, thank you! biggrin

[Your Akina]

Xxblood_drainerxX

When I try to talk to him about it, he does two things.

1) He refuses to listen to what I say and claims I am the only one who's done something wrong.

and

2) He gets very angry and just ignores me or threatens to dump me because I'm annoying him so much.

I've been sort of leaning towards just dumping him but we'll have such great times together. Like today, it was wonderful and nothing went wrong and I wouldn't dream of leaving him. It's all so confusing.

This changes my previous advice to: just dump him. Can't communicate thoughts and feelings, has no consideration for yours, threatens to leave you rather than work through problems, rather blame you than man up to mistakes. These things are deal breakers; you'll build up resentment and frustration and the relationship won't last.

[Xxblood_drainerxX]

La Danse Macabre

The good times do outweigh the bad times, but a part of me wont let go of that incident and is telling me to just end this.

[Xxblood_drainerxX]

Your Akina

A part of me is saying don't break up with me and a part of me says to do it. Even if I decided I did want to break up with him I don't think I could do it. I think I'm afraid of being alone again, and it's my first relationship so... yeah. I also, despite this, still do love him.

[La Danse Macabre]

Xxblood_drainerxX

The good times do outweigh the bad times, but a part of me wont let go of that incident and is telling me to just end this.

If you can't let go of it, then you should probably leave him. I tried staying with my ex after he betrayed my trust and I found that I just couldn't get over what he had done. Trying to get over it ended up being a waste of mine - and his - time.

[Amy Arsonist]

I would trust your gut and end it,

My main issue isn't even with the tit picture request, it's with the fact he flat our refuses to talk about it, tries to make you the bad guy, and threatens to break up with you when you bring it up so you'll drop the topic.

Communication is a huge part of a relationship. He's showing he doesn't have the ability to communicate about actual issues and even will go as far as to bring you down and make you scared of being left to avoid it. Love doesn't fix that, and it's a problem that will come back up.

Being alone should never be a factor of being in a relationship or not. I firmly believe everyone should be confident and happy with themselves being alone before getting into a relationship.

[Xxblood_drainerxX]

La Danse Macabre

Amy Arsonist

I don't think I'll be able to choose whether to actually end it or not. A bigger part of me wants to stay with him than actually leave him. I know I should but, I don't know what to do. I don't think I could break up with him.

[Amy Arsonist]

Xxblood_drainerxX

Why? What do you feel is preventing you?

[Xxblood_drainerxX]

Amy Arsonist

I think it's mainly because I do still have feelings for him. Also, he told me once after almost breaking up with me that he'd really rather not break up with me but he can't handle me talking about it so much. He has gotten better about listening to me on the issue too, and sort of admitted he did something wrong recently so that another reason why. I'm also a little scared of hurting him and myself.

[ashangel299]

Xxblood_drainerxX

Amy Arsonist

I think it's mainly because I do still have feelings for him. Also, he told me once after almost breaking up with me that he'd really rather not break up with me but he can't handle me talking about it so much. He has gotten better about listening to me on the issue too, and sort of admitted he did something wrong recently so that another reason why. I'm also a little scared of hurting him and myself.

Looking into his phone shows that you don't trust him. Why still be in this relationship if you don't trust him? Without trust I don't see how the relationship can last. If I was with a guy I had a hard time trusting my heart would constantly be broken. Also, the fact that he asked a girl a picture of her tits is like a stab in the back. I think you really need to think about why you're still in the relationship as well as think about what would happen if you still continued to be with him.