Husband Wants Children... but I don't?

[xTrust No One]

My husband wants children, and I'm pretty sure I don't. I thought I could change for him, but I was wrong. I was stupid in love, and now I'm scared we will both get hurt. Even though I've fairly certain, sometimes there's a little niggle inside me that thinks sometimes having maybe ONE baby would be neat, but there are so many undesirable things about pregnancy and children. I just don't know. I've been told that if you're not 150% you want to be a parent at least SOME day, that you shouldn't do it. I'm leaning towards this, but it breaks my heart. I WANT to want children, because it would make my husband happy. But I also feel like having a baby just for him would make me miserable.

I'm not a patient person. I'm a bit greedy and selfish, I love my money and quiet time. I like pooping in peace and all that. I know myself enough to know I do not want to sacrifice my life, going to college and getting a good job, for a baby.

I've tried to talk to my husband about this but he makes it hard. He is very stubborn and believes things will go his way. He was raised in a very close knit family, so his whole life basically revolved around kids. My upbringing, on the other way, was very different - father was an alcoholic, was always at work to avoid being home around us, mother provided for us the necessities but she never could connect with us on an emotional level. I lived my whole life believing my parents would have been happier if they hadn't had children, and thought I would never have any of my own.

That is something my husband doesn't understand, no matter how I've tried to tell him. I've tried to compromise about children. Maybe we could have one and see where it goes from there. Or maybe he's even mentioned once or twice that if I could find a good job, that he would be a stay at home dad. But he would need to accept that if I have one and say I'm done, that's it. End of the line.

This is where I have my problem. He won't listen to me. The last time I tried to talk to him, he gave me the silent treatment for nearly 24 hours. This has been very stressful for me, and I've been feeling more and more depressed and trapped. I've even thought of running away and going home to my parents or my sister. This scares me. I love my husband very much. He's good to me. He supports me in almost everything I do... except this. I'm afraid we won't come back from this.

I know what I need to do, I don't really need advice. Just have to vent. I would love to know if anyone else has been in this situation. What did you do?

[BerIioz]

I'm sorry to say this, but he sounds like a complete a*****e if he doesn't consider your feelings or even try to think thins out with you. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say is I think first, is to try marriage counseling. The very first thing to do is to have counseling. If all others don't work, then it has to come to a bad ending. File for a divorce if you both are unwilling to come to terms.

[Nikias Kicxette]

The topic of children is one of very few relationship issues that honestly, even if everything else is perfect, if both people involved don't want the same thing, it should be the end of the relationship. It's a major incompatibility, a deal-breaker. Having a child affects your plans for your entire life. It's unfair to force a person to alter their future plans drastically one way or the other.

It's unfortunate that this discussion is only happening now, when you're already married. It's something that really should have been decided upon at the latest while you were engaged, when it would have been easier to break things off when it became clear that your desired futures didn't match up. I'm saying this more for the benefit of other Gaians than you, since it's too late at this point, but other people can benefit from realizing how important it is to seriously talk with their partners about what they want in life prior to making a serious commitment.

I acknowledge that you're just venting and you know what your options are. I wish you the best; you have a very tough decision to make no matter what you choose.

I haven't been in your situation exactly, but I've been through something similar. There's only ever been one person I've felt love for, and though he was also interested in me, we never got together. He ended up having a kid at 16. He's now a single father, with the mother not in the child's life last I heard. I still love him, and now I have the chance to be with him, but I don't ever want children. I especially don't want to take care of another woman's child. So, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I will never feel love for anyone other than him, I've chosen to stay out of his life. I can't compromise when it comes to children; it wouldn't be fair for anyone involved. It was a very painful choice and I'm honestly probably going to be single for the rest of my life, because it's been years and I haven't even had a crush on another guy, but it was the right choice to make. I'd only be even more unhappy if I were with him but having to be a step-mom.

[legnanellaf5]

Why the ******** did you get married? There is no compromise on kids, so either you are on the same page or you get a divorce.

[Arexya]

xTrust No One

My husband wants children, and I'm pretty sure I don't. I thought I could change for him, but I was wrong. I was stupid in love, and now I'm scared we will both get hurt. Even though I've fairly certain, sometimes there's a little niggle inside me that thinks sometimes having maybe ONE baby would be neat, but there are so many undesirable things about pregnancy and children. I just don't know. I've been told that if you're not 150% you want to be a parent at least SOME day, that you shouldn't do it. I'm leaning towards this, but it breaks my heart. I WANT to want children, because it would make my husband happy. But I also feel like having a baby just for him would make me miserable.

I'm not a patient person. I'm a bit greedy and selfish, I love my money and quiet time. I like pooping in peace and all that. I know myself enough to know I do not want to sacrifice my life, going to college and getting a good job, for a baby.

I've tried to talk to my husband about this but he makes it hard. He is very stubborn and believes things will go his way. He was raised in a very close knit family, so his whole life basically revolved around kids. My upbringing, on the other way, was very different - father was an alcoholic, was always at work to avoid being home around us, mother provided for us the necessities but she never could connect with us on an emotional level. I lived my whole life believing my parents would have been happier if they hadn't had children, and thought I would never have any of my own.

That is something my husband doesn't understand, no matter how I've tried to tell him. I've tried to compromise about children. Maybe we could have one and see where it goes from there. Or maybe he's even mentioned once or twice that if I could find a good job, that he would be a stay at home dad. But he would need to accept that if I have one and say I'm done, that's it. End of the line.

This is where I have my problem. He won't listen to me. The last time I tried to talk to him, he gave me the silent treatment for nearly 24 hours. This has been very stressful for me, and I've been feeling more and more depressed and trapped. I've even thought of running away and going home to my parents or my sister. This scares me. I love my husband very much. He's good to me. He supports me in almost everything I do... except this. I'm afraid we won't come back from this.

I know what I need to do, I don't really need advice. Just have to vent. I would love to know if anyone else has been in this situation. What did you do?

Having a baby is a really big decision to make. It requires sleepless nights, one minute showers, clothes with vomit on it. It is a huge responsibility that require a lot of love and a lot of patients, you cant give it your all if your heart isn't in the right place and you need a lot of patients if baby decides it doesn't want to sleep or decides to cry for no reason. For the first few years there will be a lot of ups and downs but that's not to say its all bad. I have an amazing and beautiful daughter who is cheeky and always up to no good but has the ability to put a smile on my face even after she breaks something.

I think you are doing the right thing if you want to wait or decide not to have one. This isn't something that should be rushed and if you feel that you are not ready then that is all there is to it.

[xTrust No One]

legnanellaf5

Why the ******** did you get married? There is no compromise on kids, so either you are on the same page or you get a divorce.

I thought I could do it. I loved him and didn't think until after. It's not that I won't compromise or don't want any children ever, I just know I don't want as many as him and there are important milestones I want to reach first. He's far more ready than I am at this point in the game.

This would be easier if he would let me talk to him and tell him this.

[Spark of Madness]

I would stick to your guns on this one, OP, especially if your husband is pressuring you. Like you said, if both parents aren't 150%, it's miserable for the children. I can see some other options-- being godparents to the children of a close friend, acting as a foster family for a child in need, even adoption if and when you thought it was appropriate, but all of these will only work if you're on board all the way. If you aren't, there's nothing in the world wrong with you and you shouldn't compromise on this. Not everyone has to have children to have a happy, fulfilling life.

[HomebrewFox]

Having children should be a decision both parties have to agree with. My current partner wants children but I'm just not ready for another one so we came to a compromise to wait a couple years before we try.

[Petrograd]

xTrust No One

I thought I could do it. I loved him and didn't think until after. It's not that I won't compromise or don't want any children ever, I just know I don't want as many as him and there are important milestones I want to reach first. He's far more ready than I am at this point in the game.

This would be easier if he would let me talk to him and tell him this.

Since he's blocking your attempts at bringing up this discrepency between the two of you, I'd actually suggest marriage counseling because they may be able to get him to listen without shaming you lamely like that.

Like others have said, kids is a potential deal breaker, so you need to reach a conclusion you're both comfortable with. It's better to do it now rather than later, even if you decide to have the kids later.

Nikias Kicxette

I haven't been in your situation exactly, but I've been through something similar. There's only ever been one person I've felt love for, and though he was also interested in me, we never got together. He ended up having a kid at 16. He's now a single father, with the mother not in the child's life last I heard. I still love him, and now I have the chance to be with him, but I don't ever want children. I especially don't want to take care of another woman's child. So, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I will never feel love for anyone other than him, I've chosen to stay out of his life. I can't compromise when it comes to children; it wouldn't be fair for anyone involved. It was a very painful choice and I'm honestly probably going to be single for the rest of my life, because it's been years and I haven't even had a crush on another guy, but it was the right choice to make. I'd only be even more unhappy if I were with him but having to be a step-mom.

How long is it left til his kiddo becomes adult?

[Faerie Dreams]

Yeah....like everyone else said. Not agreeing on if you want kids is a big issue..

Not being able to talk about it like adults seems to be an even bigger problem...

Counseling maybe?

But....if you don't want children because of scare tactics that are used to prevent teenagers from getting pregnant... well...your life doesn't end when you have a kid, I personally love being pregnant, and the "sleepless nights and crying baby" stage is so short it's ridiculous that people think that's all having a child is.
Having a child is great, there's not a day that goes by that my son does not make me smile or laugh multiple times.

I was scared shitless when I got pregnant with my son. I wasn't 150% sure I wanted one. Hell we tried for #2 and I'm not 150% on having 2 children! But that doesn't make me a bad mom or make me feel like I wish I didn't have kids. The feeling and love comes eventually, and you make do with what you have. How many people do you think are 150% on having children when they do? Not many at all. But they aren't unloved at all.

[L0LIS]

This is something you should've talked about BEFORE marriage. You said, "He was raised in a very close knit family, so his whole life basically revolved around kids." so you should've expected him to want children. Basically, you both have different expectations in this marriage and this won't get solved because he wants children, you don't. If you both can't work it out in a way where you both can be happy, your only option would be divorce.

[L0LIS]

xTrust No One

I thought I could do it. I loved him and didn't think until after. It's not that I won't compromise or don't want any children ever, I just know I don't want as many as him and there are important milestones I want to reach first. He's far more ready than I am at this point in the game.

This would be easier if he would let me talk to him and tell him this.

Tell him he needs to put your feelings into perspective instead of it just being "me, me, me." If you don't want children yet, but do later on, tell him this and say you have things you want to do before you're tied down by a child.

[fubenkunai]

Y'know what? You're not ******** selfish or greedy, and I'm going to go ballistic if I hear one more person say those things about someone who has chosen not to have children. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with arranging your life the way you want. It's not like people are deciding to have kids out of sheer genetic altruism; the choice to have kids is just as motivated by personal wants and needs as any other major life choice, and it shouldn't be privileged or regarded as inherently better. Bottom line is that it's okay to want what you want, and people shouldn't be giving you s**t about it, no matter what it is (Unless it involves you being a d**k, in which case, normal social consequences still apply to you).

Your husband doesn't seem to have a whole lot of empathy. You've at least tried to understand where he's coming from, what with the close-knit family and the desire to be a stay-at-home parent. He doesn't seem to have put that thought in about you, though. He seems to expect you to magically get rid of childhood trauma, give up aspects of your life that are important to you, support him financially in a big way (I'm fine with stay-at-home parents, it's just that that requires a lot of money and logistical effort), go through serious physical change, and adopt his values wholly. I mean, hell, pregnancy and parenthood are big deals, and they shouldn't be undertaken lightly. Thinking you can bully or coerce someone into signing up for that is Not Cool. That he is not bothering to meet you halfway on even understanding/talking about this is troubling to me. It suggests that he doesn't respect you very much, or doesn't think your concerns deserve equal weight.

Frankly, this isn't a situation in which both of you are going to be happy, not unless you wake up tomorrow having had a genuine change of heart, unaffected by anyone else's input or sulking. And that's okay. You thought things would go differently, and there is no shame in being wrong about that. It's not like you lied or banked on being able to browbeat him into not having kids. It would be tough to split up, yes, but you'll both survive, and you'll both be free to meet people whose goals match your own. There's no need for blame here, and for all I know, you'll be able to talk it out. But I want you to know you shouldn't feel obligated to do this if you're not 100% on board, without coercion, and that there are worse things than parting ways over this.

[xTrust No One]

milkchai

Tell him he needs to put your feelings into perspective instead of it just being "me, me, me." If you don't want children yet, but do later on, tell him this and say you have things you want to do before you're tied down by a child.

His motivation is that he doesn't want to be an "old" parent. He's 30 this year, I'm 28. This, and his old fashioned thought that only children all end up lonely and spoiled, makes it hard for him to listen to what I have to say.

[Little Dead Soldier]

You need to set down with him and your choices very clear. If you don't want children now or ever, that's your choice. It's your body. You're not forced to have children because your married.
I suggest talk it over. If he refuses to listen to you, then perhaps you should consider marriage counseling or separation.