MuleDerpMuleHerpDerp
(?)Community Member
- Posted: Sun, 07 Oct 2012 03:32:27 +0000
I've been sexually assaulted twice in my life. The first time was by an ex-boyfriend.
The second time was about a month ago, month and a half.
After having been raped, I was sore down there for the first few days. I had had sex with my boyfriend who noticed I was very hard to orgasm, and I was in general in pain the entire time. I didn't think anything of it except I was sore from being raped.
My boyfriend jokes around and tells me a lot that my life is full of drama. And it kinda is. Stuff seems to happen to me all the time.
Anyways, I don't feel anything down there but my boyfriend is getting burning itching pains. I'm afraid I may have given him an STD. I swear, I did not think at all at the time that I might've gotten an STD, or even that Imight be pregnant.
I am getting tested next Tuesday. I've decided if I don't have an STD, or if it's an STD you can get other ways, then I'm not going to say anything. If it is an STD that can only be sexually transmitted, I will tell him.
There's a few reasons why I haven't said anything though:
1) I don't want him to break up with me. I don't want him to think I'm lying, or that I asked for it, or that I'm "damaged goods," and I don't want him to ever not be able to look at me the same.
2) I don't want to report the rape. It's so hard to think about, how am I supposed to even report it, deal with the police, tell them how it happened? I sorta asked for it. Also, the guy who raped me is a big time drug dealer. We were friends before this happened, and he would call my phone anonymously ("unknown number" ) . He's paranoid, so he also uses new prepaid phones ALL THE TIME. He would always contact me first when we would hang out, not me to him.
3) If I tell my boyfriend how I knew this guy, I don't want him to think I was cheating on him for drugs, or just in general. I don't do drugs anymore, but I used to. I don't want my boyfriend to think I was doing drugs or something either. I never told my boyfriend about this guy "Dave" because he was a drug dealer. And I didn't want him to know I hung out, albeit only 3 or 4 times, with this guy.
When I was raped, I barely remember it. I mean, I remember certain things. Dave was in my room and we were talking about psychedelic telepathy, stuff like that. I said I was going to leave my room. We were drinkig a few beers. I remember thinking I could only see one thing at a time. I remember him wrapping his arm around me...
My boyfriend, the next time we did anything, found an old cigarette butt in my bed. He knows I do'nt smoke and I couldn't get myself to say what happened. Honestly I didn't know it was there either. I lied and said I only smoke socially and he asked why I smoked now and I told him to stop asking and it's nothing and I don't smoke.
He stopped mentioning it.
How can I tell my boyfriend? My story sounds...to me...to surreal. I feel like I asked for it. I do'nt want counseling, I do'nt want to go through this again and again. Right now all I can think about is my boyfriend and I want to stay with him and I'm afraid this is going to ruin it.
Help?
The second time was about a month ago, month and a half.
After having been raped, I was sore down there for the first few days. I had had sex with my boyfriend who noticed I was very hard to orgasm, and I was in general in pain the entire time. I didn't think anything of it except I was sore from being raped.
My boyfriend jokes around and tells me a lot that my life is full of drama. And it kinda is. Stuff seems to happen to me all the time.
Anyways, I don't feel anything down there but my boyfriend is getting burning itching pains. I'm afraid I may have given him an STD. I swear, I did not think at all at the time that I might've gotten an STD, or even that Imight be pregnant.
I am getting tested next Tuesday. I've decided if I don't have an STD, or if it's an STD you can get other ways, then I'm not going to say anything. If it is an STD that can only be sexually transmitted, I will tell him.
There's a few reasons why I haven't said anything though:
1) I don't want him to break up with me. I don't want him to think I'm lying, or that I asked for it, or that I'm "damaged goods," and I don't want him to ever not be able to look at me the same.
2) I don't want to report the rape. It's so hard to think about, how am I supposed to even report it, deal with the police, tell them how it happened? I sorta asked for it. Also, the guy who raped me is a big time drug dealer. We were friends before this happened, and he would call my phone anonymously ("unknown number" ) . He's paranoid, so he also uses new prepaid phones ALL THE TIME. He would always contact me first when we would hang out, not me to him.
3) If I tell my boyfriend how I knew this guy, I don't want him to think I was cheating on him for drugs, or just in general. I don't do drugs anymore, but I used to. I don't want my boyfriend to think I was doing drugs or something either. I never told my boyfriend about this guy "Dave" because he was a drug dealer. And I didn't want him to know I hung out, albeit only 3 or 4 times, with this guy.
When I was raped, I barely remember it. I mean, I remember certain things. Dave was in my room and we were talking about psychedelic telepathy, stuff like that. I said I was going to leave my room. We were drinkig a few beers. I remember thinking I could only see one thing at a time. I remember him wrapping his arm around me...
My boyfriend, the next time we did anything, found an old cigarette butt in my bed. He knows I do'nt smoke and I couldn't get myself to say what happened. Honestly I didn't know it was there either. I lied and said I only smoke socially and he asked why I smoked now and I told him to stop asking and it's nothing and I don't smoke.
He stopped mentioning it.
How can I tell my boyfriend? My story sounds...to me...to surreal. I feel like I asked for it. I do'nt want counseling, I do'nt want to go through this again and again. Right now all I can think about is my boyfriend and I want to stay with him and I'm afraid this is going to ruin it.
Help?