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I've been sexually assaulted twice in my life. The first time was by an ex-boyfriend.

The second time was about a month ago, month and a half.

After having been raped, I was sore down there for the first few days. I had had sex with my boyfriend who noticed I was very hard to orgasm, and I was in general in pain the entire time. I didn't think anything of it except I was sore from being raped.

My boyfriend jokes around and tells me a lot that my life is full of drama. And it kinda is. Stuff seems to happen to me all the time.

Anyways, I don't feel anything down there but my boyfriend is getting burning itching pains. I'm afraid I may have given him an STD. I swear, I did not think at all at the time that I might've gotten an STD, or even that Imight be pregnant.

I am getting tested next Tuesday. I've decided if I don't have an STD, or if it's an STD you can get other ways, then I'm not going to say anything. If it is an STD that can only be sexually transmitted, I will tell him.

There's a few reasons why I haven't said anything though:

1) I don't want him to break up with me. I don't want him to think I'm lying, or that I asked for it, or that I'm "damaged goods," and I don't want him to ever not be able to look at me the same.

2) I don't want to report the rape. It's so hard to think about, how am I supposed to even report it, deal with the police, tell them how it happened? I sorta asked for it. Also, the guy who raped me is a big time drug dealer. We were friends before this happened, and he would call my phone anonymously ("unknown number" ) . He's paranoid, so he also uses new prepaid phones ALL THE TIME. He would always contact me first when we would hang out, not me to him.

3) If I tell my boyfriend how I knew this guy, I don't want him to think I was cheating on him for drugs, or just in general. I don't do drugs anymore, but I used to. I don't want my boyfriend to think I was doing drugs or something either. I never told my boyfriend about this guy "Dave" because he was a drug dealer. And I didn't want him to know I hung out, albeit only 3 or 4 times, with this guy.

When I was raped, I barely remember it. I mean, I remember certain things. Dave was in my room and we were talking about psychedelic telepathy, stuff like that. I said I was going to leave my room. We were drinkig a few beers. I remember thinking I could only see one thing at a time. I remember him wrapping his arm around me...

My boyfriend, the next time we did anything, found an old cigarette butt in my bed. He knows I do'nt smoke and I couldn't get myself to say what happened. Honestly I didn't know it was there either. I lied and said I only smoke socially and he asked why I smoked now and I told him to stop asking and it's nothing and I don't smoke.

He stopped mentioning it.

How can I tell my boyfriend? My story sounds...to me...to surreal. I feel like I asked for it. I do'nt want counseling, I do'nt want to go through this again and again. Right now all I can think about is my boyfriend and I want to stay with him and I'm afraid this is going to ruin it.

Help?
Sermanther's avatar

Dapper Gawker

First off, don't read klebold's post. It is not advice in anyway but ridicule and demeaning.

I'm sorry that you were raped. It wasn't your fault. It's also completely normal to be afraid in telling an authoritative figure--the fear of being degraded, of your rapist wanting revenge, the difficulty of confessing so traumatizing. Forgiving is a great step, but only if you're ready to do so. That doesn't mean you can befriend that dude again. It's just a way to release the anger or hatred you have for him.

It is great that you are getting tested, and I hope you don't have an STD.

Your first reason of not saying anything is pretty clingy, but it happens. If he breaks up with you over that, then he wasn't worth it in the first place. If he ever mentions that you're lying or that you asked for it or that you're "damaged goods," you leave because he's practically as bad as the rapist.

I already talked about the second reason.

You're third reason, about 70% of the time, the rapist is someone you know. The other 30% is a stranger. I hope he wouldn't think you were cheating. If he did, leave. You don't need someone hurting you during a sensitive time.

Also, there's a guild called "Rape Survivors Anonymous" if you want to join that with your main account. It's a bunch of people who've been through similar situations. Hopefully, it can help you heal a bit.

Oh, and I think it's pretty important that you tell him, but do so when you feel the time's right. If you keep hiding it, he will catch on, and he may think the worst of it. "Oh, the cigarette could be from another guy." Hopefully, he will understand and comfort you when you tell him the truth.
klebold
By forgiving one who's not sorry, and forgetting, that's not 'moving on' because you aren't moving on, you're avoiding.


I never said I forgave the guy.

kebold
Trusting a guy you used to get drugs from in the first place, well that says something about your intelligence. Another thing that says something about your intelligence, is how you secretly blame your boyfriend for not realizing what's wrong with you.


First, I only ever got weed ad shrooms from the guy. It is not like he was some shady a** coke dealer okay? You live under a rock if you think the average weed and shrooms dealer is a shady ******** rapist okay?

kebold

You constantly blab about how your boyfriend SEEMS different, but it's only because knowledge changes things.


What do you mean by he "seems" different? I don't understand what you mean. I don't blame my boyfriend for any of this. I don't blame him for noticing or not noticing me being different. I've been living the past few weeks really normal. I can't really say I'm an obvious victim, though I almost broke down crying two nights ago and my boyfriend could obviously see I was troubled by something.

I don't blame my boyfriend at all for any of this. I don't expect him to know what's wrong. The only thing I'm worried about is that if I tell him he won't believe me or he'll be so upset he can't look at me the same or something like that.
weeneez's avatar

Dapper Millionaire

You didn't ask for rape, and you didn't "kind of" deserve it. No one deserves to be raped. And if you want to maintain a relationship, I think he should know about you being sexually assaulted whether you have an STD or not. And you should really seek therapy or counseling for the rape/sexual assaults you've been through. They're traumatic experiences and you shouldn't bottle up how you feel about it.

EDIT: Plus, if he looks at you like "damaged goods" or looks down upon you after telling him, he's not worth your time.
And klebold shouldn't talk about someone who goes through sexual assault feels and how scared/uncomfortable they are about telling people. I'm sure he's never been sexually assaulted or raped.
weeneez
You didn't ask for rape, and you didn't "kind of" deserve it. No one deserves to be raped. And if you want to maintain a relationship, I think he should know about you being sexually assaulted whether you have an STD or not. And you should really seek therapy or counseling for the rape/sexual assaults you've been through. They're traumatic experiences and you shouldn't bottle up how you feel about it.

EDIT: Plus, if he looks at you like "damaged goods" or looks down upon you after telling him, he's not worth your time.
And klebold shouldn't talk about someone who goes through sexual assault feels and how scared/uncomfortable they are about telling people. I'm sure he's never been sexually assaulted or raped.


It's all painful to think about. I think its most painful because I can't even forget about it now, I have to do STD testing and if I test positive, I'm taking pills that remind me every day, I have to tell my boyfriend, which will remind me. It's like everything I look at it somehow connected with the rape.

As far as fearing to tell people, I used to think that was ridiculous. Yes, you "let the rapist get away." I know, I've heard that so many times and people get pissed off at me for it. I used to be one of those people (though not as adamant as Klebold.) Now I'm sitting here and I think about what happened to me and I understand what other girls (and guys) went through. How will anyone believe me? People are going to ask why I didn't do ______. Why didn't I just ______. How come I didn't ______ after _____ after ______ with _____ et cetera.

I pulled through with my ex-boyfriend. I am convinced I can pull through here, without counseling. I hate counseling, I've gone to it before over different things. I think I would heal better if I get back to life and realize things go on if I just push through. I don't want to be told "you'll never get past it unless you _____." To me, letting life go on is 'living past it.'
angel_259236102's avatar

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If he breaks up with you because you were raped, he isnt worht your time. If he thinks you are lying about being raped, you dont want ot date him.

You cant ask for rape. Just becuase you knew the guy doesnt mean you asked for it. Even IF you did drugs that odesnt mean you asked for it.

Evedn if you wont report the rape, you need understand that it AFFECTS YOUR LIFE. You wont be able to hide it from the bf because it will affect your view on sex for a while. It will haunt you. Even if you think you are past it. Especially if you avoid counseling.
If there's anyone reading this who has been raped before, I'd appreciate your input.

I want to know how you guys felt about it. How you guys coped, etc.
geminikitten's avatar

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You'll need to bring it up with your boyfriend in a manner that is the most comfortable to you and what you deem the best way to do so.

I have never been raped by I have been molested. I've brought it to the police but never continued with it due to the way they treated me. I can understand how difficult the process is.

But you still need to let your loved ones know. I agree that if he breaks up with you, he's not worth it. The usual reaction is shock, disbelief or anger that may not even be apparent at first and they can go both ways. But you NEED to have people you can support to go through this and overcome it.

There's no promise that he won't react badly and see you differently and blame can't always be placed on him but you have to focus on yourself most of all right now and have the right people to back you up.

So most of all, talk to the right people, see a counsellor, find somewhere you can talk to other victims and there are many out there that will help you.
CERXO's avatar

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I'm gonna slice you klebold with my butterknife. emotion_bigvein
klebold
I cannot begin to express how badly, people like you piss me off. The world would be a much better place if females weren't so passive about reporting rapes. The least they could do is tell a non-authority figure, because they seem to think that doing nothing is the best thing to do. First off, you let the rapist get away with something so horrible. Secondly, you damage yourself in the process by failing to cope with it properly. By forgiving one who's not sorry, and forgetting, that's not 'moving on' because you aren't moving on, you're avoiding.

You do not deserve the boyfriend you have, secrets complicate things, and he has a right to know what some a*****e has done to the girl he cares about. You are pathetic, and I'm using the last of my sleepy brainpower to stay up and let you know that an STD is the least of your problems right now. At least with an STD you would have your problem out in the open, on ink and paper, possibly even etched in stone. Trusting a guy you used to get drugs from in the first place, well that says something about your intelligence. Another thing that says something about your intelligence, is how you secretly blame your boyfriend for not realizing what's wrong with you. You constantly blab about how your boyfriend SEEMS different, but it's only because knowledge changes things. This is what most females do, I'm not aiming at you for this one. Most females, hide their feelings, and let things bottle up and then one day, take it all out on the guy for not being able to tell what was wrong. You assume we're ******** mind-readers and then act like we should improvise by nature. The worst part about this, even if we can tell if something is wrong, you ******** deny it. Wouldn't be surprised if he guessed right, even in his own mind, to himself, I bet he's got a good idea what's wrong with you, but knows you'll deny it, and once you don't deny it, you'll accuse him of coming down too hard on you.

All because you're a coward. You want to move on? Have your boyfriend take care of that rapist. If not him, than maybe an anonymous poster on Gaia.

You're a ******** idiot.
Rhouis's avatar

Gawker

I'm disapointed you felt you didn't want to report it. Because of him not being reported as a rapist, he might do it to another female aquaintence he has. He'll know he can do it again if no one reports him.

A reason for telling your boyfriend is because he can help you through these things. He could have been there with you to make reporting it as easy as it can be. You don't have to go through rape alone. Whether it's with someone you know (in this case, your boyfriend) or a stranger like a police officer, there's always going to be someone there for you. In the future, there will probably be triggers to the rape. If your boyfriend is aware of this, he can help you through it. Otherwise, if you sink into a sad state, he'll probably be beside himself not know why. That's not fair on him, is it?

As everyone already has said, if he does chuck you, or blame you, bla bla, then you don't need him. That's easier said then believed, but in the long run you realise you're better without a guy who won't believe you got raped, or believe it was out of your hands. Y'know? This could be the real test in finding out whether this is the sort of guy you want to be with.

Also, I hope you haven't spread an STD to your boyfriend. But even if it is a disease that can be trasmitted in ways other than sex, I would still tell him. As already said, it's not really fair to keep something that major from him. As for how... if he has an STD you can start off from there, as he'll no doubt ask if you know how it could come about. Stay calm and rational, as that will help keep him calm and rational too.

How the ******** can you have UNPROTECTED SEX with your boyfriend if you were raped?! emotion_facepalm

If I was your boyfriend and found out you risked transmitting HIV to me, I'd dump you straight away.

I seriously hope you're just a troll or I just lost a bit more faith in humanity once again. I feel very sorry for your boyfriend.
Cannibal Girls's avatar

Fashionable Lunatic

☠Please, please, please report it. PLEASE. Do not let this b*****d get away with it, because if he does, he WILL do it again. And any boyfriend who would break up with their girlfriend for being raped, is a piece of s**t not even worth dating. Your boyfriend DESERVES to know what has happened to you. Transmitting STDs to people is some serious stuff, and you should be completely honest with him. Lying and keeping big stuff like this from the people closest to you is a bad idea.☠

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