How do I get my parents to understand?

[Kibbity_Kabbit2]

I'm almost 20 & I've been living in my parent's house with my brother & his wife. My parents moved, because there wasn't enough room everyone. Now they want to sell the house & they want me to move with them. I've already decided on getting married & living with my boyfriend. (Soon-to-be husband.) I finally told them & they said I'll never achieve anything for myself if I marry him now. They said I need to live on my own for awhile first & get through college. That's why they wanted me to live with them. They feel the city has more opportunities for me. I'm not denying that it doesn't, but it's just not what I want. I want to get married & be a wife to James. That's all I want & all that will make me happy. It makes me very upset to have my parents, two people I love also, tell me I can't do that. How can I make them see that I know what I'm doing? That I'll be okay & James will take care of me? I just don't know what I can do from here.

[angel_259236102]

I kind of agree with them. So far you just have been hoping from one dependency to another. Parents, to brother, to now boyfriend. You dont have to live and marry someone to be happy with them, and marriage is lovely but that isnt a life goal. You seem to lack ambition. What is being a wife? After the honeymoon and the whole wedding it is just living with someone. You need more to life than just having a lover.

So what are your other goals? What do you want to do? Job wise? School wise? Do you just want to be a housewife? Do you want chidlren? Is it the right TIME to really be a housewife and a mother? Can you do that realsitically right now?

[Centuries Before]

I agree with angel_259236102. While I am dependent on my parents now, I'll be living on my own in a year during the duration of my postgraduate course, then if all goes to plan, moving in with my boyfriend while searching for a job - thankfully he's had the career I'm now aiming for, so he's well aware of the stresses and expectations that will come with it wink

After all, just because you are getting married/engaged now, doesn't mean that you can't still have your own life goals, hobbies and interests.

[Your Akina]

Kibbity_Kabbit2

That I'll be okay & James will take care of me?

Understand what? It looks like you're the one who doesn't understand. You're a freeloader that has no desire to be independent. No parent wants that from their child; they want to see them achieve and attempt as many opportunities as they can. They don't want to see James taking care of you. They want to see you taking care of you.

You're doing what you think will make you happy; that's fine. In the short term, it probably will. But parents generally see the bigger picture, and in this case, it just doesn't seem like the smart thing to do.

[weeneez]

Your parents want you to build something for yourself before you go off and get married and have your husband take care of you. Sometimes this can be a hazard in a relationship. Some husbands get tired of taking care of their wife all the time if she has no career or anything going on for herself, so I can see where your parents are coming from. They're just looking for your best interest.

Then again you don't have to get married to James right now, why not hold off on the marriage and look for a job, or go to school and build a career for yourself? You're only 20, you have plenty of time and there's no need to rush into marriage.

[Jesse Troy]

Listen to your parents. You need a stable life plan separate from James.
Realistically your relationship wont last.
If you guys really love each other you can wait to be together in the future.

[i are plushie]

Your parents understand a lot more than you think.

They understand that you've been dependent your entire life, first on them, and now on your fiance. They understand that there's a very, very high chance your marriage will end. I'm not saying it will, but the statistics are not stacked in your favor. They understand that if it does, you'll have zero independence, not know your a** from your elbow in terms of how to take care of yourself, and will end up completely screwed. You seem to be perfectly happy being a 50's housewife, and if so, that's great, I wish you the best, but your parents are looking ahead and want you to learn a sense of personal responsibility and independence in case you someday need it.

There's nothing stopping you from marrying your boyfriend or fiance, or whoever he is, but you need to put yourself and your future first, and if that means learning how to be on your own, then do it. Your life is not your relationship; it's not him, a marriage, or a home maker. Those things are part of your life, and if you make them pillars to stand on, you may find yourself flat on your face someday with no means to get back up.

[Smashed Cupcake]

I'm sure your parents mean well. The "only being with James will make me happy" part sounds a little scary and if you said this to me and I were your parent I would want you to not marry James either.

Your parents only want you to have some time to be stable on your own before you go out into the big bad world and marry James. Just because you can't marry him right this instant doesn't mean you'll never see him again. You can still talk to James and see him while being on your own. You're making it sound like if you don't marry him right now, you'll never see him again! You may want to go with your parents on this one, sorry.

[!d!ot Amer!ca]

So you're just wanting James to take care of you?
What are you going to contribute to the finances?
I agree with your parents, to be perfectly honest.
You can still be with James even though you're living with your parents.
Have you even seriously sat-down and talked about marriage with James? His parents? Your parents (before now)?

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
Before you know it, you're struck down.

[Like Totally Not A Mule]

If James is willing to marry some girl because she ******** and does the dishes, then he's a sucker, and may you two have a life that is at least 1000% happier than the poverty-ridden shithole everyone here but you can see coming.


Now, I know, there's people who do that. I'm related to one. He kissed the proper asses and got lucky. But even then, I'm pretty sure his partner actually contributed some form of income from SOMETHING.

Economically speaking, most of the time, both parents need to work to pay the ********' bills. Sometimes you can get away with it, but that is not likely at your age.

Another reason why I love LoverGirl? Because she's trying to make something of herself. I've literally seen it. >.>

[Little Dead Soldier]

If you plan on getting marry and just expecting your husband to take care of you, then you shouldn't be getting married. You need to finish school and become set for yourself because what if this relationship fails in 5 years? What will you have ? Nothing, because you had your husband take care of you. You need to become more independent. Living with your parents and finishing school is wise. You're only 20. You shouldn't be rushing into marriage. You should take advantage of going to school NOW. Because it will be useful in the future. You should always have a back up plan. Never fully rely on anyone.

[Kibbity_Kabbit2]

!d!ot Amer!ca

So you're just wanting James to take care of you?
What are you going to contribute to the finances?
I agree with your parents, to be perfectly honest.
You can still be with James even though you're living with your parents.
Have you even seriously sat-down and talked about marriage with James? His parents? Your parents (before now)?

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
Before you know it, you're struck down.

We've been dating for 4 years, so of course we've talked about marriage. My parents knew a long time ago I wanted to marry James. My parents said, "As long as he can provide for you, we don't mind." I currently have a job right now. Just because I'll be getting married doesn't mean I still won't establish a career for myself. I have plans to go to trade school & get a business degree. Career wise-I've considered photography, because I'm good at it. But really, I don't know what I want to do for a career. That's why I chose to get a business degree. With that, I can do just about anything. All I know & have known is that I love James & I want to be with him. Everyday that I'm not married to him just makes me more & more depressed. It's all I ever wanted, even before I met him. It sucks to have someone tell me I can't have the one thing I want the most. That just doesn't feel right to me at all.

[Viviane_neechan]

Kibbity_Kabbit2

!d!ot Amer!ca

So you're just wanting James to take care of you?
What are you going to contribute to the finances?
I agree with your parents, to be perfectly honest.
You can still be with James even though you're living with your parents.
Have you even seriously sat-down and talked about marriage with James? His parents? Your parents (before now)?

Welcome to a new kind of tension.
Before you know it, you're struck down.

We've been dating for 4 years, so of course we've talked about marriage. My parents knew a long time ago I wanted to marry James. My parents said, "As long as he can provide for you, we don't mind." I currently have a job right now. Just because I'll be getting married doesn't mean I still won't establish a career for myself. I have plans to go to trade school & get a business degree. Career wise-I've considered photography, because I'm good at it. But really, I don't know what I want to do for a career. That's why I chose to get a business degree. With that, I can do just about anything. All I know & have known is that I love James & I want to be with him. Everyday that I'm not married to him just makes me more & more depressed. It's all I ever wanted, even before I met him. It sucks to have someone tell me I can't have the one thing I want the most. That just doesn't feel right to me at all.

Actually, I can kind of understand this.

Not the all-I've-ever-wanted-is-to-be-married part, but the rest of it, yeah.

...though you have to admit, this probably does seem like a VERY young age for marriage to your parents. Have you tried to assert your independence in any other ways? Paying your own way, taking on responsibilities, displaying reliability?

I think what's largely alarming about this is the emotional way you describe it. neutral You talking about how 'depressed' you are about this and how desperate you are to get married, and the mere thought that James will 'take care of you' probably freaks them out. Key words, and all that. I think to make this work you need to learn to present all your thoughts in a more...level-headed and diplomatic fashion.

So in short, in a perfect world, it would be best for you to wait. Because you're not interested in that route, though, I think it would be best to display a little more level-headedness to win them over.

I look forward to being flamed with you. 3nodding

[Enchantingly Unexplained]

Now let's climb down from cloud 9 and back to reality, because if you don't face this now you're going to come crashing down to it later. Well, where do I start. Sadly, life has never been and never will be easy. And if you have a social security number, you're pretty much indebted to the monetary system. That means that you have to use money to buy things, like food, shelter, clothing, electricity, water, and a whole slue of other necessities.

You can't do all that stuff just by being a housewife. It sucks, but reality is harsh. You have to have money to support yourself and you're not always going to have people around to give it to you.

And as for marriage, I personally think the idea is foolish seeing as most marriages end in divorce, why not instead of rushing to get married just enjoy spending time with the person you're with?