how do i approach this??

[Glitterama]

so my cousin (we'll call her L) is now pregnant with her bf's (we'll call him A) baby.
she is 22 and he is 31. this is his second child; the other is in Sacramento. they both have part time jobs, and no car. they live on maui with his uncle in a room in his house. once she has this baby, she wont be able to work, and he will have to support all three of them. on top of that, she cannot find a OBGYN in Maui because they have no insurance, and she is a "high risk" patient (i sitll dont see why that matters at all). they live on the other side of the island (maui only has one hospital) and with no car, they have no transportation to the hospital is something happens. she has no clue how far along she is; she thinks she is about 5 months. i'm not even sure if she has had her first ultrasound. if this is the case she NEEDS prenatal care immediately.
her boyfriend is EXTREMELY immature for his age. he spends all his money on weed, doesnt pay child support for his first child, can only hold a part time job, and is disrespectful to L's parents.

her parents want her to come home to the big island and have her baby there; her parents live less than 5 minutes from the nearest hospital, and there are more OB's available to her. however, for some strange reason, she is refusing. i think it is a mixture of embarrassment and her boyfriend telling her to stay in maui. her parents want me to talk to her (we are very close, almost like sisters) and convince her to come home. i am very concerned for her and the baby's health, but at the same time, i know that anything i say to her about the situation will only aggravate her and make the situation worse. i know the conversation is gonna happen sometime this week, but my question is, how would you approach this? i've been a little vague in this description, so if you need more information about what is happening, i will gladly do my best to elaborate.... i desperately need guidance!

[Your Akina]

Glitterama

Usually, my advice would be to butt out. However, since you are definitely having the conversation, I'd say ask lots of leading questions.

How are you feeling about the baby? Excited to be a mom? Did you and A pick out a crib, yet?

Don't phrase questions in a "have you done x yet" tone. Don't put her on the spot with "how are you going to pay the bills, who's working to support you guys, is A going to get his s**t together or is he going to bounce on you because of a crying baby."

How she answers open questions will determine how you proceed. You'll be able to sense her mood on the subject. Drop not-so-subtle hints. "You're very lucky your parents live so close to the hospital and want to help out with raising the baby!"

The most important advice I can give you is: don't let her poor circumstances and judgement effect your health. You cannot live her life for her or force her to lead it in a way you find more acceptable. It's tough, but know when it's time to let it go.

[Glitterama]

Your Akina

Glitterama

Usually, my advice would be to butt out. However, since you are definitely having the conversation, I'd say ask lots of leading questions.

How are you feeling about the baby? Excited to be a mom? Did you and A pick out a crib, yet?

Don't phrase questions in a "have you done x yet" tone. Don't put her on the spot with "how are you going to pay the bills, who's working to support you guys, is A going to get his s**t together or is he going to bounce on you because of a crying baby."

How she answers open questions will determine how you proceed. You'll be able to sense her mood on the subject. Drop not-so-subtle hints. "You're very lucky your parents live so close to the hospital and want to help out with raising the baby!"

The most important advice I can give you is: don't let her poor circumstances and judgement effect your health. You cannot live her life for her or force her to lead it in a way you find more acceptable. It's tough, but know when it's time to let it go.

thanks for the advice!

yes, my first instinct would be to stay out of it, but her parents are desperate. they have tried to talk to her about moving home with no luck. L has even told them straight up that she is not happy with the situation, so they are unsure of why she is not taking their offer. they are losing sleep over this; i am close to the both of them, and i know that they are running out of options other than going up to maui and bringing her home by force, which i really dont want happening.

i probably will not talk at all about their home situation or about A. right now, i think my main point of the conversation is that she NEEDS to consider proper prenatal care and how moving home will make that aspect easier for her. it is fine that she has chosen to go forward with the pregnancy, and i am very excited for her, but she is putting herself and the baby in danger by not having an OB and not getting her ultrasounds and checkups. staying with her parents for a bit until she gives birth would make things so much easier for her.

but like you said, in the end, it's her decision. i just hope i can get through to her.