Ozarkas
(?)Community Member
Offline
- Posted: Sun, 07 Sep 2014 22:38:00 +0000
This is my life story. My mother marries a man, but she has an affair with another man. The other man was also married and had children. He was older.
I was born and she assumes that the man she is married to is my father. They divorce when I am two years old, and I live with him and his relatives. He marries a woman who also has a child from a previous marriage. Together, they have two children. One of those children...looks nothing like him. Life is going well for me. I think I have siblings. I get to play outside and visit my mother on the weekends. However, my "father" and his wife start having problems, and they divorce when I am in the fourth grade. I move in to my mother's home and she has now remarried also, to a much older man who has children who are already adults. It does not go well for me, so I want to move back in with my "father" and his relatives, who are poor and live in small trailers now.
My mother pleads with me that I cannot do this, and when I inquire as to why I cannot, she reveals to me that my "father" is not actually my father. She says my real one does not even know about me, and he moved away to another state before I was even born. It did not sit well with me, but that was many years ago.
Now, she reveals to me that he has had another child and that he is millionaire rich, because of what she has seen on the internet. She will not tell me his name.
My mother also opened up to me about her childhood. Apparently, my grandmother had seven children with at least five different men. Two of them are drug users and makers. One is currently cooking meth in a trailer on a dead relative's property. One of the drug user half-uncles I have (or had? no one has heard from him in a while) molested my mother and my aunt when they were children. Apparently, when my aunt was six years old he held a gun to her head and made her suck him off, and he tried to rape my mother when she was around the same age, telling her that he was "gonna get her."
I feel like I have no sense of family. I don't even use that word anymore. Family. I call it the F-word in my mind. I dislike, if not hate, when people ask me "what does your family do?" or they talk about family like it's just something that everyone has. I hate hearing about family values, an honorable and respectable family, or things of that nature. I truly do hate that word. I hate seeing families, I hate hearing about family, and I find myself feeling hatred towards narrow-minded people with perfect lives who boast and take comfort in their families. They look at me with pity, and other people. I find myself hating everything about the white picket fence family life. I find myself just hating life now.
I don't know who my real father is. I don't even know if my Grandpa is my real Grandpa, as my mother does not think she looks like him and my grandmother was a neglectful promiscuous drunk when my mother was growing up. Although, I understand that both of my grandparents were uneducated. They come from very poor farm families. They did not even make it to ninth grade.
I find myself feeling hatred towards anyone who seems to have a good life. I feel like everyone else is better off than me. To make it all worse, I have dealt with bullying which still affects me now. I truly feel like my life sucks, and I want to knock other people down a peg or two. People who have good families, whose parents are married, who have things going for them and never dealt with bullying or family or health problems. It is not fair at all.
I am tired of people thinking about family. Family values, family effort, family names. I don't care about any of that. I just refer to it all now as "home." I don't say "family" anymore. I use the word "home" and "relatives" but I just can't even bring myself to say that dreaded F-word anymore.
I was born and she assumes that the man she is married to is my father. They divorce when I am two years old, and I live with him and his relatives. He marries a woman who also has a child from a previous marriage. Together, they have two children. One of those children...looks nothing like him. Life is going well for me. I think I have siblings. I get to play outside and visit my mother on the weekends. However, my "father" and his wife start having problems, and they divorce when I am in the fourth grade. I move in to my mother's home and she has now remarried also, to a much older man who has children who are already adults. It does not go well for me, so I want to move back in with my "father" and his relatives, who are poor and live in small trailers now.
My mother pleads with me that I cannot do this, and when I inquire as to why I cannot, she reveals to me that my "father" is not actually my father. She says my real one does not even know about me, and he moved away to another state before I was even born. It did not sit well with me, but that was many years ago.
Now, she reveals to me that he has had another child and that he is millionaire rich, because of what she has seen on the internet. She will not tell me his name.
My mother also opened up to me about her childhood. Apparently, my grandmother had seven children with at least five different men. Two of them are drug users and makers. One is currently cooking meth in a trailer on a dead relative's property. One of the drug user half-uncles I have (or had? no one has heard from him in a while) molested my mother and my aunt when they were children. Apparently, when my aunt was six years old he held a gun to her head and made her suck him off, and he tried to rape my mother when she was around the same age, telling her that he was "gonna get her."
I feel like I have no sense of family. I don't even use that word anymore. Family. I call it the F-word in my mind. I dislike, if not hate, when people ask me "what does your family do?" or they talk about family like it's just something that everyone has. I hate hearing about family values, an honorable and respectable family, or things of that nature. I truly do hate that word. I hate seeing families, I hate hearing about family, and I find myself feeling hatred towards narrow-minded people with perfect lives who boast and take comfort in their families. They look at me with pity, and other people. I find myself hating everything about the white picket fence family life. I find myself just hating life now.
I don't know who my real father is. I don't even know if my Grandpa is my real Grandpa, as my mother does not think she looks like him and my grandmother was a neglectful promiscuous drunk when my mother was growing up. Although, I understand that both of my grandparents were uneducated. They come from very poor farm families. They did not even make it to ninth grade.
I find myself feeling hatred towards anyone who seems to have a good life. I feel like everyone else is better off than me. To make it all worse, I have dealt with bullying which still affects me now. I truly feel like my life sucks, and I want to knock other people down a peg or two. People who have good families, whose parents are married, who have things going for them and never dealt with bullying or family or health problems. It is not fair at all.
I am tired of people thinking about family. Family values, family effort, family names. I don't care about any of that. I just refer to it all now as "home." I don't say "family" anymore. I use the word "home" and "relatives" but I just can't even bring myself to say that dreaded F-word anymore.
