Girlfriend asked me to think about getting married

[Upperclass Hero]

I've been thinking about it for like 2 or 3 months; she asked me to think about it last month...At first I thought it was a good idea, but I realized that it probably wouldn't be the best idea. I love her and I want to marry her just not right now.

The reason she asked me to think about it is because I'm going into the Air Force. I leave for basic training in early April (Found this out last month). I've been thinking about it everyday, and like I said, it seemed like a good idea. We've been together for almost 2 years and been friends for 6 years so it's not like we just met. I'm 21 and she's 20, as of now we both still live with our parents I have a part time job and she works full time for a mortgage company.

I realized that if I weren't going into the military, marriage most-likely would not be an issue yet. Sure, I've thought about it, even before I was about to join the military, but I saw it as something we'd do way down the line.

Before I get married I want to atleast be able to stand on my own to feet and have some life experience...NO, this does not mean seeing other women. I'm even willing to have a long distance relationship and be completely faithful, but I don't want her to have to wait on me. I feel like that'd be extremely selfish of me to expect her to.

If I don't marry her I'm probably going to lose the woman that I'm supposed to be with and the person that I want to be with, but I don't want to rush into this just because I'm leaving.

I told her that I don't want us to get married now because if we did it'd only be because I was leaving and that I want us to try the long distance thing. She said that she didn't know if she'd be able to do that...Is this the end for us? Is there anything I can do?

[angel_259236102]

Well, be engaged? You dont have to get married right now but you can have it in the plans in general.

But I agree with your sentiment for not wanting to get married jsut because you are going into the air force.

[Upperclass Hero]

angel_259236102

Well, be engaged? You dont have to get married right now but you can have it in the plans in general.

But I agree with your sentiment for not wanting to get married jsut because you are going into the air force.

We'd still have a long distance relationship if we got engaged.

[angel_259236102]

Upperclass Hero

angel_259236102

Well, be engaged? You dont have to get married right now but you can have it in the plans in general.

But I agree with your sentiment for not wanting to get married jsut because you are going into the air force.

We'd still have a long distance relationship if we got engaged.

Yes I know. But that has nothing to do with what you call your reltaionship. Wouldnt it STILL be a long distance relationship if you got married? I am saying that maybe being engaged would make her feel better and more secure.

[Pine_Witch]

Upperclass Hero

I've been thinking about it for like 2 or 3 months; she asked me to think about it last month...At first I thought it was a good idea, but I realized that it probably wouldn't be the best idea. I love her and I want to marry her just not right now.

The reason she asked me to think about it is because I'm going into the Air Force. I leave for basic training in early April (Found this out last month). I've been thinking about it everyday, and like I said, it seemed like a good idea. We've been together for almost 2 years and been friends for 6 years so it's not like we just met. I'm 21 and she's 20, as of now we both still live with our parents I have a part time job and she works full time for a mortgage company.

I realized that if I weren't going into the military, marriage most-likely would not be an issue yet. Sure, I've thought about it, even before I was about to join the military, but I saw it as something we'd do way down the line.

Before I get married I want to atleast be able to stand on my own to feet and have some life experience...NO, this does not mean seeing other women. I'm even willing to have a long distance relationship and be completely faithful, but I don't want her to have to wait on me. I feel like that'd be extremely selfish of me to expect her to.

If I don't marry her I'm probably going to lose the woman that I'm supposed to be with and the person that I want to be with, but I don't want to rush into this just because I'm leaving.

I told her that I don't want us to get married now because if we did it'd only be because I was leaving and that I want us to try the long distance thing. She said that she didn't know if she'd be able to do that...Is this the end for us? Is there anything I can do?

Two thoughts that sort of go in different directions on this:

1. It sounds like she's using a threat of ending the relationship to pressure you into considering marriage. To me that's kind of shady, and potentially a sign she's too controlling. But you'd have to look at how she is on other things, if she's just controlling on this it might just be about wanting security.

2. If you did get married, I think that would allow her to get on base housing (depending where you're deployed of course) so it potentially wouldn't have to be a LDR, though she'd have to uproot herself and find a job, etc in a new place.

[Upperclass Hero]

angel_259236102

Upperclass Hero

angel_259236102

Well, be engaged? You dont have to get married right now but you can have it in the plans in general.

But I agree with your sentiment for not wanting to get married jsut because you are going into the air force.

We'd still have a long distance relationship if we got engaged.

Yes I know. But that has nothing to do with what you call your reltaionship. Wouldnt it STILL be a long distance relationship if you got married? I am saying that maybe being engaged would make her feel better and more secure.

If we got married she'd come with me to whatever base I get stationed at. I don't think she's hung up on the terminology.

[Upperclass Hero]

Pine_Witch

Upperclass Hero

I've been thinking about it for like 2 or 3 months; she asked me to think about it last month...At first I thought it was a good idea, but I realized that it probably wouldn't be the best idea. I love her and I want to marry her just not right now.

The reason she asked me to think about it is because I'm going into the Air Force. I leave for basic training in early April (Found this out last month). I've been thinking about it everyday, and like I said, it seemed like a good idea. We've been together for almost 2 years and been friends for 6 years so it's not like we just met. I'm 21 and she's 20, as of now we both still live with our parents I have a part time job and she works full time for a mortgage company.

I realized that if I weren't going into the military, marriage most-likely would not be an issue yet. Sure, I've thought about it, even before I was about to join the military, but I saw it as something we'd do way down the line.

Before I get married I want to atleast be able to stand on my own to feet and have some life experience...NO, this does not mean seeing other women. I'm even willing to have a long distance relationship and be completely faithful, but I don't want her to have to wait on me. I feel like that'd be extremely selfish of me to expect her to.

If I don't marry her I'm probably going to lose the woman that I'm supposed to be with and the person that I want to be with, but I don't want to rush into this just because I'm leaving.

I told her that I don't want us to get married now because if we did it'd only be because I was leaving and that I want us to try the long distance thing. She said that she didn't know if she'd be able to do that...Is this the end for us? Is there anything I can do?

Two thoughts that sort of go in different directions on this:

1. It sounds like she's using a threat of ending the relationship to pressure you into considering marriage. To me that's kind of shady, and potentially a sign she's too controlling. But you'd have to look at how she is on other things, if she's just controlling on this it might just be about wanting security.

2. If you did get married, I think that would allow her to get on base housing (depending where you're deployed of course) so it potentially wouldn't have to be a LDR, though she'd have to uproot herself and find a job, etc in a new place.

I'm pretty sure she just genuinely wants to be with me. She's not a controlling person.

I know that if we got married she'd be with me, but marriage is a huge decision and I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to get married just because I'm leaving.

[Adversative]

Upperclass Hero

I told her that I don't want us to get married now because if we did it'd only be because I was leaving and that I want us to try the long distance thing. She said that she didn't know if she'd be able to do that...Is this the end for us? Is there anything I can do?

Even if you get married now, my impression (from knowing a couple of other military couples) is that it'd still be long distance for at least the first 3-4 months, since they don't allow spouses with you for basic training or whatever "school" you go to after that.

And after you finish your training and get stationed, it may or may not be long-distance. Even if she moves closer to the base, you may get deployed and she may not be able to come with you.

So, if *long distance* is something she can't tolerate, period, a military relationship is not a good fit for her.

At the same time, life is a lot easier for military couples if you're married. A couple of friends of mine got married because the non-military person got really freaked out by the thought of the military person getting injured/being in the hospital and not being notified because he wasn't "next of kin". They were still long distance for 7 or 8 months after they got married, but at least he had peace of mind and some of the benefits from being a military spouse.

If I were you, I would suggest getting engaged, with a tentative plan to get married in 6-8 months, when you've finished basic training and you know where you're going to be stationed.

[Pine_Witch]

Upperclass Hero

Pine_Witch

Upperclass Hero

I've been thinking about it for like 2 or 3 months; she asked me to think about it last month...At first I thought it was a good idea, but I realized that it probably wouldn't be the best idea. I love her and I want to marry her just not right now.

The reason she asked me to think about it is because I'm going into the Air Force. I leave for basic training in early April (Found this out last month). I've been thinking about it everyday, and like I said, it seemed like a good idea. We've been together for almost 2 years and been friends for 6 years so it's not like we just met. I'm 21 and she's 20, as of now we both still live with our parents I have a part time job and she works full time for a mortgage company.

I realized that if I weren't going into the military, marriage most-likely would not be an issue yet. Sure, I've thought about it, even before I was about to join the military, but I saw it as something we'd do way down the line.

Before I get married I want to atleast be able to stand on my own to feet and have some life experience...NO, this does not mean seeing other women. I'm even willing to have a long distance relationship and be completely faithful, but I don't want her to have to wait on me. I feel like that'd be extremely selfish of me to expect her to.

If I don't marry her I'm probably going to lose the woman that I'm supposed to be with and the person that I want to be with, but I don't want to rush into this just because I'm leaving.

I told her that I don't want us to get married now because if we did it'd only be because I was leaving and that I want us to try the long distance thing. She said that she didn't know if she'd be able to do that...Is this the end for us? Is there anything I can do?

Two thoughts that sort of go in different directions on this:

1. It sounds like she's using a threat of ending the relationship to pressure you into considering marriage. To me that's kind of shady, and potentially a sign she's too controlling. But you'd have to look at how she is on other things, if she's just controlling on this it might just be about wanting security.

2. If you did get married, I think that would allow her to get on base housing (depending where you're deployed of course) so it potentially wouldn't have to be a LDR, though she'd have to uproot herself and find a job, etc in a new place.

I'm pretty sure she just genuinely wants to be with me. She's not a controlling person.

I know that if we got married she'd be with me, but marriage is a huge decision and I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to get married just because I'm leaving.

If you're feeling it's going well enough to get engaged, maybe you could tell her you're ready to get engaged now, and once you've finished training and settled in to whatever your permanent base assignment is going to be, if it's still going well you're willing to talk seriously about planning for marriage and her moving.

EDIT: by settled in I don't mean as soon as you get there, i mean once you've had time to get to know what the area is like, how you're adjusting to military life, if you think she'll be happy there.

[zoe_owen1]

you dnt deserve her if your leaving her she will get lonely and ******** someone els and it will b ur fault for leaving her

[Polina Oksana]

zombii-pi

Upperclass Hero

I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to get married just because I'm leaving.

Case closed. You just said you don't think it'd be a good idea, and so you now know what you must do. Don't let your girlfriend pressure you or make you feel as though you have to get married. Joining the air force is no good excuse; you both need to have a more solid ground beneath your feet, as marriage is a big, serious step (even if a lot of people get divorced like it's nothing). Tell her how you feel, and be firm about it. Remind her that you do love her, but right now just isn't the right time. Sure it might hurt her a little, but that's life. If she loves you back she'll understand and will wait for you.

Couldn't have said it better.
If you're having any doubts about marriage, it's probably best to not get married. Marriage is serious business. I think the LDR will be a great test to truly see if you both are ready for marriage.

[PumpkinSpiced]

On the one hand, you definitely shouldn't get married now if it's not something you'd want to do if you weren't going away. On the other hand, if you choose not to marry now because you're not sure that's what you want, then you're basically telling her that you want her to wait for you to come back at which point you may or may not want to marry. So from her perspective it may not be the distance that's the problem but rather the fact that all that waiting may end up being for nothing when she could've used that time to move on and find someone else. (If it is the distance that's problematic for her, though, then marrying someone in the military probably isn't a great idea.)

If you don't get married now, how long would you two be apart?

[Nuka Marrow]

Marriage isn't such a huge thing people make it up to be, at least not nowadays. Nothing magical happens, nothing changes between you two, and your love doesn't magically become deeper after getting that "you're now man and wife". Marry or not marry, it doesn't matter if you're planning to be happy together anyway, helping and supporting each other in bad and good times. But if getting married is going to help you two in something, in this case in being together instead of being forced apart, why not go through with it? If you planning to do eventually anyway, why not do it now?

You're saying you don't feel ready, that you want to experience things and build your own life. Marriage doesn't stop you from those things, or living your life the way you want it. If your girlfriend hasn't hold you back now, she won't do it when she's your wife. Marriage is whatever you make it up to be, not some expectations or "rules" media and other people tell it to be. I tell from experience, as being a student myself, and a wife, who is going towards her goals and her dreams, even when married.

[Shamandalye]

I think you're being really sensible. You should get your life straight and stable before getting married.

It'll also be a good test of your relationship, cause if she can wait for you and support your decisions then you know that you've got yourself a good future wife.

Don't rush into it because she doesn't want to cope without you for a length of time. That's a really bad reason to marry.