Even if it's normal, it's tearing me apart! [Mature, please]

[OrangeSugarCookies]

I'm going to say this once, and only once more.

I AM NOT EVEN TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THIS. I AM IN NO WAY PRESSURING HIM TO HAVE A CHILD. I DO NOT WANT SOMETHING TO BE DEPENDENT ON ME, I DO NOT WANT SOMETHING TO DRESS UP, I HAVE A ******** CAT AND A ******** BJD, I'M FINE WITH THAT.

I want to be a PARENT. Badly. But cannot.


AND I ******** KNOW I CANNOT.

If one more person says get a dog, or wait, I swear to ******** GOD I'm going to lose it.


ALL I ASKED FOR WAS WAYS TO COPE WITH HAVING TO ******** WAIT.

Fufa, we do NOT have Food Stamps. I make above minimum wage. Not a lot, but enough to say I make more than minimum wage by a dollar.

And it's a low blow to say he doesn't want me to be the mother of his children. He does. He just likes to spend his ******** money.

If I'm still 'on about it', it's because I haven't found a way to cope. I doubt you have to listen to your coworker go on and on and on AND ON AND ON about their children/pregnancy/food stamps/WIC to pay for such.

I want to be a parent. I ******** KNOW THAT I CAN'T BE YET. I ASKED FOR WAYS TO TAKE MY MIND OFF OF IT.


To answer the question if that is all I want in life, no, I have many other dreams. I want to get into a nice little two-bedroom house. I want a nicer car. Heck, I want to continue with my collecting [collect dolls, D: ] until I have a kid, when it's no longer a feasible thing. I want plenty of other things.

HOWEVER, THE KID THING ALWAYS COMES BACK. It's a big thing. Obviously it comes back. Especially when I'm exposed to it all day and night.
I just want a way to make this go away. I'm tired of crying over something I CAN'T ******** HAVE, ALRIGHT?


Did I make my ******** point yet?

[Heal the World]

First of all, calm down. Seriously. Throwing a tantrum isn't going to solve anything. You came here asking for advice, blowing up at people trying to do that is really, REALLY rude. We don't have magic answers to everything, these people are trying. They can't read your mind, they are doing the best they can.

For something like this, there may not be a way to take your mind off of it. When you desire something so badly, something really important, sometimes the mind can't just GO off it. Maybe. I don't know completely. I myself haven't any children and haven't gone through exactly what you've gone through, but I know how it feels to desire something more than the air you breathe and it seems nothing can make your mind think about anything else. Your situation is different because it's not like this is an item you want, it's a new life.

Maybe you should talk to him about this. You said you aren't, but perhaps you should. I honestly think you need to try a little harder to calm down about this, it really is turning into an obsession. If you can barely function during the day and break down crying when you SEE a kid, perhaps you may need a little help.

[Robot Pop]

As someone who works with children, I highly suggest doing something that involves volunteering among them. Not just seeing them with their parents on the side of the road, but also being in a state of authority with them. (It's how I got my job, too.) Now you may try and tell me that you don't have time. That's just lying to yourself; go and find the time. Being among kids gives you real perspective, tests your patience, and of course there are the emotional rewards. I am NOT saying that you will act the mother to them, rather, you will learn how they act and see how emotionally ready you could be for one.

When people have children, they are hardly ready for it. That matter of finance is irrelevant. That's not something you should be focused on. It's the emotional part that you should look at.

You say your fiancee, husband, I forget which, isn't ready? Of course he isn't. How many people are, really? He jokes about it? His humor is a much better thing for parenthood than your short temper. In fact, being on the observation end of children with very short tempered parents, I would suggest that the only thing you should wait for besides your husband 'caving in' (stop overreacting about that syntax; it will get you no where) is when you can get your emotions under control. Kids wish angry parents become angry people, and it's always sad to watch.

And if you're going to be combative to my answer as well, then I'm sorry. I did what I could to help you out.

[OrangeSugarCookies]

I wasn't trying to get so irritable. Imagine someone's been telling you that you don't know what you want, and that you should just get a dog, when you genuinely want to have a child. I happen to know one of those posters, and asked her to comment, and she said some things that she knew would aggravate me, I'm sure...

I don't want him to cave. I never did. It's not as much a tantrum as nobody is listening to me. I say something in response, essentially a 'yes I know that, you've said that a few times already', and they continue to chant that as if it's some magic word that fixes everything. They are giving me advice that I stated in the opening post. I KNOW I gotta wait. Chanting that I must wait is what's got me into this place. It's not as much a problem until I get home.

I want help 'calming down' about this; that's why I came. Somehow everyone now believe I'm some horrible vengeful person who is trying to trick her fiance into having a kid by guilt-ing him. I just wanted things that will help me take my mind off of the whole situation.

I appreciate Robot Pop for being the first one to offer ACTUAL ADVICE without making me seem to be an unappreciative, delusional psychopath.

[Salty Language]

Why do you have such a need to be a parent? I understand the whole biological clock thing, but your frustration over the issue seems a little excessive.

I still think that to distract yourself until the time is right, you should focus on other things that make you happy and that would make your life more full. Learn to love your life as it is; someday when you are a parent, I'm sure you'll look back fondly on a time when you had some time for yourself.

[The Viscount]

Well, there might be some way to cope with it in the mean-time. Please get together with your fiance and start putting money away. Call it the "Baby Fund". Try your hardest to get him to put a little of his money in there instead of on useless crap. It might be hard, but if he loves you, and if he *does* actually want a child eventually, he'll agree to it.

I've got baby-fever myself. Which is really, really awkward for me because I identify as male. I don't want to actually be pregnant - with a big belly and everything, but I just want a child. I don't know why. Hormones, I suppose. I've gone through periods of intense depression because I want a child and, unlike your fiance, mine doesn't want one. He doesn't really like kids all that much. So I'm in a bad situation - my biological clock is ticking faster than a regular female [hormone replacement therapy to become more male-looking will begin shortly, and after that my chance of pregnancy drops to almost nothing], PLUS my fiance is extremely careful and definitely does not want children. D: Depressing.

But yeah, I went off on a tangent. Baby-fund. Try it out?

[Foetus Smasher]

Love Is Worth Sacrifice

Yeah, I understand completely, trust me. I see nothing wrong with trying after you get married. I see how he is being selfish, as well. It's not like it happens the first time around. Sure, it does happen that way for a good bit of people but that's mostly just stupid teenagers who have sex when they aren't ready. My dad had no choice in whether or not he was ready for a kid. I was six when my mom met him and they got married. He adopted me and I took his last name. Two years later, my brother was born. My family and life is somewhat complicated.

As far as your soon-to-be husband goes, I think that he should at least be willing to compromise on the situation. It sounds like he's trying to hold on to something that just doesn't exist anymore. Have talked to him about it recently? If you have, then I think that he should respect your wants and needs enough to be willing to compromise despite his own selfish needs and wants and I'm only saying this because I know exactly how much it's hurting you. If I didn't understand the pain, I would more than likely be on his side.

Christ woman, I know that's a lot of words but do you have to use such tiny font?

[OrangeSugarCookies]

The Viscount

Well, there might be some way to cope with it in the mean-time. Please get together with your fiance and start putting money away. Call it the "Baby Fund". Try your hardest to get him to put a little of his money in there instead of on useless crap. It might be hard, but if he loves you, and if he *does* actually want a child eventually, he'll agree to it.

I've got baby-fever myself. Which is really, really awkward for me because I identify as male. I don't want to actually be pregnant - with a big belly and everything, but I just want a child. I don't know why. Hormones, I suppose. I've gone through periods of intense depression because I want a child and, unlike your fiance, mine doesn't want one. He doesn't really like kids all that much. So I'm in a bad situation - my biological clock is ticking faster than a regular female [hormone replacement therapy to become more male-looking will begin shortly, and after that my chance of pregnancy drops to almost nothing], PLUS my fiance is extremely careful and definitely does not want children. D: Depressing.

But yeah, I went off on a tangent. Baby-fund. Try it out?

Salty Language

Why do you have such a need to be a parent? I understand the whole biological clock thing, but your frustration over the issue seems a little excessive.

I still think that to distract yourself until the time is right, you should focus on other things that make you happy and that would make your life more full. Learn to love your life as it is; someday when you are a parent, I'm sure you'll look back fondly on a time when you had some time for yourself.

We actually have a Baby Fund, as you put it. It's in my bank account, labeled 'The Fund'. Money goes in, never comes out. I put far more into it than him, but it's a start, I know. Someone I look up to mentioned that a while back, and I took it to heart.

Also, Salty, I don't know why I have this drive to be a parent so early. If I did, I'd be set, 'cause I could stop it. I agree that the frustration is excessive. That's why I cam here, to ask for good ways TO DISTRACT MYSELF. It's kind of irritating that everyone is saying 'distract yourself' and only ONE person has given ideas on how to do so. Though, to be fair, Salty, you've contributed more than most of the posters who just say, "Wah get over it."

Thing that make my life full, however, are...eh, pricey, if I'm not careful. Mainly dolls; stuffed, taffeta, vinyl, resin [OUCH that's the bad one.] At this point, I actually have a small, very very small savings fund just for that hobby. It's the ONE thing that really, REALLY distracts me. I like to customize the more figurine dolls [vinyl and resin] and sew plush ones myself. It's the one thing I love to throw myself at more than anything.

I just wish everyone didn't think that makes me a weeaboo. XD I just love dolls!

[Lexia_Starr]

While I genuinely don't know where you're coming from, I know how it feels to have people tell you that you don't know what you're feeling/talking about.

That aside, I agree with Robot who said you should find something to do with children. Maybe babysit in your free time, or find a relative or friend with a small child to take every once in a while.

[PureFluff]

Alright, I reread the post, and to be perfectly honest I just woke up so I could be wrong, but I don't exactly know where you said "help me cope."

And I like how you only looked at the things that could potentially insult you. If you know me, you know I'm perfectly honest and neutral. Always been that way. I'm not ANGRY at you, I'm just pointing out possibilities. So don't get angry at me.

How am I supposed to know if he wants kids with you? Seriously, I could have met dude but I got ******** swine flu while I was in Pendleton. As is, I only know what I can relate to, so I pointed out something I've watched (my cousin && his now ex).

That being said, you answered none of my questions. You didn't say why you want a child ("because I want to be a parent" is not a psychologically thorough answer.) You didn't say what you wanted to change.

And stop yelling at people because you feel obligated not to talk to your guyfriend about this. Not just me, you get snippy. If we say something that has to do with talking to him, it means that it doesn't matter if you talk to him about it currently or not - it means you SHOULD.

If you can't be honest and open with eachother on even one thing, even if it gets to the point where it's annoying, then this isn't going to work. As is, you're acting scared and too eager to please and though I agree with his outlook right now on some parts of it, if you feel strongly about this you shouldn't be telling the internet, you should be working things out with your boyfriend dude.

That's assuming that you want this relationship to work. Personally, I believe having a kid is probably more important than staying with the father. But that's me, not you. You have to decide what's important.

Furthermore, exactly what is wrong with the getting a dog idea?!?! You freaked the ******** out about that, but to me it was a 'way to cope' which is apparently what you wanted - isn't it? I don't know what's so offensive about pets, maybe you don't like dogs... So get a ferret or something. If it was offensive because 'being a parent is not like owning a dog' then you took my meaning wrong. Stop that.

Another thing you could do, possibly (I don't know the requirements) is become a foster parent. With rehab && prison in that town, I'm sure there's plenty to choose from.

ALSO you didn't answer "will you both still have jobs" after you have a kid "and if so what will happen to the kid during the day".

I dunno, maybe you're not hearing what you want to hear and that makes you crabby, but don't get angry at me because I have a blunt edge.

Either way, best of luck. Just tried to help psychologically - obviously I can't help you physically.

[kage no neko]

Which do you want more, the pregnancy or the baby? What appeals so much about it?

Also, how would you intend to support the child after it's born? Would you continue working and have someone else watch it all day, or would you quit and be a stay-at-home mom, losing your income?
I don't know where you live, so I don't know the rules of how it'd work there, but maybe get a job (not just volunteering, but paid) working at a daycare. Then you'd get to watch and take care of young children, infants and toddlers, you'd get to learn how to take care of them and how to handle them.. and when you finally have your own, you could still bring it with you.

[OrangeSugarCookies]

Instead of quoting all of the above posts, I'll just say, to the above posts.

I edited the first post, and put in purple the part where I said I wanted a way to distract myself from it/make it stop.

D:

I wanted advice on that, not on how to best have a baby and live off the state, as some of you are implying. I thought I quite clearly stated that in my first post, but since not, I edited it and you can all stop that.

And Purefluff, I have two ******** cats. I don't need MORE pets, that is OBVIOUSLY not a solution. I have two cats. I take care of them. They are dependent on me. It does not satisfy some sort of urge in me. So it's not a slobbery dog-fixer for me.

Some part of me wants to have a child. To take care of it. To raise it to be a good person. To nurture, to love, to make something out of him and me. I thought that 'be a parent' described that. The cats do not cut it. It's something more I'm wanting.

However, do not take that as a I WANT BABY NAO FIX IT FOR ME. It's just an explanation for Purefluff.

[Squiz]

I'm a bit sad to say I've never really had a strong urge to have kids. I'm a bit envious of you for wanting one so badly.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and you know not to rush into things so I guess just let it pass. You guys have a fund set up in case it happens unexpectedly, so its not like you'll be broke. For now, just enjoy your free time because once you have a baby it'll be baby time all the time.

Walmart associates ftw.

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[iheartsaiph]

ain`t being rude but maybe God wants you to have babies @ the right time.