Even if it's normal, it's tearing me apart! [Mature, please]

[OrangeSugarCookies]

Bahama_Momma

Before you get married to your husband, know where you both stand on this and compromise. Being married makes you a team and since a child is a huge change in any relationship and everyday life, it's something you both need to be up to par with. I don't agree with his spending, mainly because the economy is so bad and what he buys could easily be saved up for future baby since he wants to be financially stable. This is just my opinion but I feel that he should take into consideration just how much you want to have a child and then look at what he's doing to make that step a little closer to becoming reality. At the same time he needs to realize that he will be married in less than a month and the money both of you make belongs to each other...unless you plan to have separate bank accounts. He can't be spending like he's on his own, that doesn't mean you have to ask the other to buy something but if the other really wants something that costs a lot of money (I don't mean to make a baby sound like something you buy but I'm talking about doctor bills, food, diapers, clothes, bedding, toys, bottles, ect.) then both should see if it's a goal they want to achieve and work for it.

With that being said, it sounds like you are pressuring your fiance a little because you do want one so bad. Parenthood should never be forced on someone. When a non-parent looks at a happy family with a baby they see cuteness and get warm feelings. Just remember, that little bundle of joy becomes somewhat of a nightmare the first few months. Babies cry a lot of the time they are awake, they sleep for two hours, wake up and eat (with some crying), and go back to sleep. This goes on day and night for almost two months straight, sometimes longer if you don't sleep train them right away like I did my daughter. You're in the baby fever because you're surrounded by them and it seems like everyone and their mother are getting pregnant but look at the good sides of this. You can go to bed as late as you want (sleep a full night without a baby crying every two hours or worse, every half hour) and on your days off, you can sleep as late as you want. When you two want to go out, or just you on your own, you don't have to plan it around baby, you just get up and go. You can have one on one time with your fiance and you don't have to have the stress of a newborn taking up the time and draining your energy so when you do have alone time, you don't even want to be intimate, you want to sleep. There are both good and bad sides to having a child, almost every person I know that has had a child (myself and my mom included) calling their mother in the middle of the night and crying because they are just exhausted and frustrated. Being a parent is very stressful and it isn't something that should be pressured to a person.

Now, I also think you need to take into consideration that you and your fiance do not live alone. Although you want a child, does your sister want to have one disturbing her sleep and everyday life? It's probably best to wait until you two live on your own, it wouldn't be best to anger your roomies. A good way to reason with baby fever, think of both the good and the bad. Having a baby that is 100% dependent on you is not easy and it's nothing like babysitting, which you didn't mention but I'm just trying to say, no one is ever prepared for what parenthood is like.

EDIT:

Just because you miss a day in taking a pill doesn't mean you'll get pregnant and it doesn't mean you are infertile. If you've been taking it over a year, your body is in tune with your birth control and you won't get likely get pregnant from a missing one day of BC. If you had just started taking it, well, that might be another story. Your body is used to the effects the pill causes so
when you missed a day, it still went on to do what it has been doing for a year. When you get off the pill, you may not be able to conceive right away, don't be scared. Each human body is different, your fertility is also different from anyone in your family.

...I'm so not getting sleep tonight, am I?

I didn't just miss one day, I missed almost three once; one more miss and I would have had to start a new pack. However...nothing happened even then. I know it's not something to worry about, but I'm just that way, I guess.

I will point out, I DON'T EVEN TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT ANYMORE, because he told me that he felt pressured a few months ago, so I dropped the subject. I don't talk about it with anyone, because I CAN'T.

Second, the roomies are moving out and so are we by February. They don't want to live with us, and I sure as hell don't want MY LITTLE SISTER living with me when I'm a newlywed. ;D

THIRD, people don't let me babysit their kids. If I had that, maybe I wouldn't have the fever so badly, because I'd have an outlet. I don't know WHY THE HELL nobody lets me babysit their kids.

Fourth, and almost foremost...

I don't WANT to get to sleep in as late as I want. One of my current problems with my job is that the schedule changes weekly, leaving me getting off at midnight some nights and five in the afternoon just a few days later. It's never regular. My sleep pattern is nonexistent. I just pass out when I can.

This is not "I want a baby." This is "I want to be a PARENT." I WANT to be up changing diapers at the crack of dawn. I WANT to have to get up and take care of the kid. I want to have this. Everyone tells me that it's a stressful thing; that it's a nightmare for months.


I STILL WANT IT.

Thinking of the bad is still thinking of the good for me. If it was just 'oh cute baby I want one!' I would have no problem. It's...it's not just 'I want baby'.

[Zilla brad]

I would wait even tho its hard.

[Kryst3n]

It sounds to me like he needs to stop being selfish and start thinking of someone else other than himself. He values material objects more than what is really important in life and it just isn't right.

I would try to talk to him about it one more time. You can afford a child so it isn't fair for him to deny you just because he wants to buy the latest video game.

If he still says that he doesn't want a child and that he feels pressured, you might need to break off the relationship. You can't force him into this kind of a decision.

[Fran Salaska]

I'd say you need to address the spending issue. If your fiance is anything like I am, he's thrilled with being able to buy what he wants, when he wants it. It's not entirely healthy, so you don't even have to bring the baby stuff into that.

Either way, I know exactly what you mean about the baby thing, except that I'm not in a position to have one. I still can't help feeling jealous of pregnant women and wanting a child. I suppose it's more upsetting for you because you feel you're in a position to afford one, and your boyfriend is holding you back. But bear in mind that you're only young once, and you ARE young. Your boyfriend probably still feels young and would rather do as much partying and buy as much as he wants without feeling guilty about it. Having a child is as much his decision as yours, and I know you respect that. His feeling is probably that you want a child now, so you'll still want one when he's ready. Whereas he doesn't want a child now, he wants to wait. Neither of you are wrong, but it's something you'll have to figure out between you. You say you haven't spoken about it for a few months - you shouldn't bottle it up. I know you don't want to pressure him, and let HIM know that. Maybe you could have some sort of timeline? If you knew when you were going to start trying, it'd give you something to look forward to, and you might calm down knowing that it WILL happen.

Also, I know I'm smarter than this really, but I've had completely unprotected sex twice and never gotten pregnant. Missing birth control is a bad idea, but just because you have and didn't get pregnant doesn't make you infertile. It's actually surprisingly common for younger people especially to worry about infertility, and have lots of unprotected sex, only to get pregnant and be proven wrong. I read in a magazine recently about a girl who had PCOS, which is a leading cause of infertility, and she thought it would never happen, so she didn't use birth control. She got pregnant once and decided it was a miracle, continued to not use birth control and ended up pregnant again. Even with that, there are ways around infertility nowadays. Someday, somehow, you will have a child, biologically yours or not. Infertility is NOTHING to worry about until you're actually trying.

[hinata-san890]

kids can cost up to 1/4 of a million dollars from birth until they're 18 years old

[I am failing you]

Break up with him and find another person.

If he doesn't agree with you, why waste your time?

[Tea-Smoked Duck]

I understand exactly what you mean, but just because you're ready doesnt mean he is, you said it yourself. Don't worry, the thing to do is "accidently" get pregnant after the marriage.

[Britomartis-the-Valiant]

Learn to budget, and agree on a budget to stick to. My grandparents were extremely poor when they came to the US, and they would cash the earnings and put the money into different envelopes labeled food, clothes, etc. When the money in an envelope was all used up, they could not spend anything more on that.

[Zeromus_Kirin]

Well, just to put this out there, he does have something of a right to be afraid of the changes that having a child would put into your lives. That's one of the single biggest responsibilities that a person can ever take on, and it should be scary, and it should be sobering. The guy's spending and his general behavior seem to indicate a bit of immaturity, not to be insulting or anything, and that he still has some emotional growth left to go through. He's probably not ready for that kind of life changing responsibility, and you should try to understand that. Just because you want to have kid now doesn't mean that he is ready for that, nor does it mean that you are either.

I'd dare say that part of what you are going through is biological, and that you should try to handle those feelings in a constructive manner. If you really want to have a child, then you should turn those feelings into energy. Use that energy to begin changing your life in preparation for such an eventuality as a child. Try to get a better paying job, get the man to grow up a bit and spend less, and try to get your housing situation figured out. These things can not only help you pass the time, but will help you when the time comes.

Eh, but I'm just a guy. Take it or leave it.

[B~lood~S~hed]

I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I’m only eighteen years old and I feel the exact same way. I’ve been with my fiance for a year and we’ve been engaged for about six months. I’m not sure when we’re getting married. But I know this man is the one for me. I love him with all my heart and I know I want to have his children.

But right now we don’t have the money as we can’t find jobs. So I know I won’t get to have little ones anytime soon. It kills me but I guess that’s how it has to be. I’ve wanted to be a parent for as long as I can remember. I’ve always wanted to have children when I was young so I could have all the fun I want to with them. My parents had me when they were kind of older. And they were always too sore or tired.

Lately it seems like all my friends are getting to do the things I want most. Getting married and having babies. It really gets me down at times and I spend long nights crying to my fiance about it. He understands but doesn’t know how to help. I always tell him there isn’t a way to help.

Edit: Also I worry about infertility. Like you i've missed pills and haven't gotten pregnant. Now...i'm not taking any bc and we're taking the risk of unprotected sex and I still haven't gotten pregnant. And it's been going on since June. But that probably has to do with me not getting regular periods. I only get periods when i'm on bc.

[kage no neko]

I think you only have a window of like 5 days to get pregnant each month, and that's around when you ovulate. So just because you missed pills and didn't get pregnant doesn't really mean much.

I honestly think that you should wait until you are both 100% ready to have children, married or not, before even trying. Hell, if you want you could go buy neutral baby clothes, stock up on all ages (because they grow really fast!). Maybe learn to knit or crochet and work on a blanket. Learn things you could use for when you become a mom. Learn how to cook delicious meals that'd want him to rather stay home than go out.

I'm 19 and I've wanted to be a mom since I was 15. I've been with the same guy since I was 16.. And due to his dreams I don't see me having kids until I'm 30. Which isn't that bad of a thing, I also realize I'm not at all ready to be a mom.. More time to enjoy spending alone with him before a kid interrupts it all.
I see me "accidentally" getting pregnant as selfish as him going out and getting a vasectomy without talking to me first. While I also have my dreams (of being a mom), it'd be very rude of me to just say ******** his dreams when we've agreed on this.

[Heal the World]

Tea-Smoked Duck

I understand exactly what you mean, but just because you're ready doesnt mean he is, you said it yourself. Don't worry, the thing to do is "accidently" get pregnant after the marriage.

That's...that's really not a great thing to suggest. To "accidentally" get pregnant after marriage means she and her husband didn't discuss it, it was an action by her alone, and that could cause serious issues.

[Salty Language]

This is troubling. Obviously you two have very different aims; neither is necessarily right or wrong, but it is NOT your place to guilt trip him incessantly until he caves in. If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. If you MUST have a baby, find someone who is ready to start a family. You shouldn't force your fiancee to change.

Your attitude sounds very unhealthy. Do you have any plans besides having a baby? Do you want to do anything else with your life? Do you plan to support a family with a minimum-wage job? How about an education? It sounds to me like all you're concerned about is MUST HAVE BABY NAO and aren't considering that there could possibly be more to your life. You're selling yourself short by making your world center around this idea of parenthood.