Earning my place

[Twin Suns Three]

You need to leave it alone. Trying to mend things is only making it worse. This has nothing really to do with you, so quit blaming yourself.

Based on your responses to others, I am going to guess that there was something wrong with the sibling dynamic BEFORE you came along. It sounds like your husband was probably a doormat to them. He listened to their advice, prioritized their needs / wants, and bent over backwards to please them.

Then, he met you, fell in love, and got married. They are not the center of his universe. He developed a backbone and they don't like that so they blame you for it. In their minds, you've done something to their brother to change his behavior. In fact, the only thing you've done is exist. It's not fair but that's how it is.

You married HIM, not his family. Although it makes things easier if everyone in a family gets along, it's not necessary for a marriage. Your husband doesn't like how his sisters disrespect you, and he doesn't like how they disrespect him.

If he doesn't want to invite them to the renewal ceremony, then you need to support his decision. If he doesn't want them at your child's birthday party, then you need to support his decision.

These are two important days that shouldn't have to be ruined because they want to start something.

[Lord of the Vine]

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her hoTuse.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

I know he wants to invite them and wishes they would grow up already.
He really wanted his brother to be his best man and it breaks my heart that he won't get that because of how they feel about me

Are you sure it's you?

Now I don't know the situation as well as you do, but it sounds like they had major issues before you ever came into the picture. They may be bitching about you now, but if you weren't there, they would all just be bitching about something else.

So it's not actually you. It's not your problem, and it's not your fault. So even if you tried really hard, you're not going to be able to fix this. This is up to your husband to deal with this.

I am kind of curious though: What is their problem with you?

I honestly don't know what their problem with me is. His oldest sister said "they feel like they lost their brother" but before he was with me he did nothing but drink and drive all the time and was on his way to killing himself so I think I saved them from truly losing their brother.
He wants to spend time with me and his son and he works all the time to give us a better life. So he no longer drops everything and leaves work to do something for one of them.
They also feel I haven't earned my place in their family.


Pretty much as was said they're self centered jerks who feel better than me somehow and like I don't belong in their family

Aaaah, they're used to having to take care of him, and now that they don't have to, they feel like he's replaced them with you. At least, that's what I'm getting.

Honestly, I don't know how much he values his sisters, but if they truly cared about his well-being, they'd be happy for him.

...But this is all beside the point, as his family issues with you really have no bearing on your married life.

[fubenkunai]

Oh Jesus. Upon seeing the reasons they've given for hating you, I rolled my eyes so hard, I think I sprained something. I have been there. My boyfriend's next youngest sister has Peter Pan syndrome or something, and she bitterly resents that they're not wee little children anymore. It's an ongoing thing; she can't stand to be even halfway independent and it's been true her whole life, despite her parents' best efforts to instill age-appropriate behavior. I got to be the big a*****e when we started dating, but the truth is that she'd been resenting him ever since he dared move out to go to college. She wanted him to stay at the local school (which was terrible for his field, unlike the world-ranked school he attended), and never move more than five minutes away, and maintain the status quo where she and their parents called the shots. That's mega-unhealthy, and that's not an issue with me-- she would have hated anyone who didn't strong-arm him back home and then essentially disappear every time she wanted something from him. That's her dysfunction and that damaged their relationship before I even knew the guy existed.

I tried to be accommodating, but it didn't work, and eventually I quit. It was killing me and for nothing. I let him handle it and he did. It was, after the initial angst over not putting 200% of the effort in, much easier, because it wasn't my problem. I couldn't understand the situation fully and I wasn't even part of it, really. He eventually had the mother of all blow-outs with her, and I just turned up my music while they were arguing and was supportive of him later. So far, they seem to be on a better footing because he explicitly spelled out for her that he's an adult and he's not her subordinate, but we'll see how it goes. Point is, my continuing involvement would only have muddied the waters, and it would have taken away the psychological safe space of our house/relationship away from him. I'm a strong proponent of the hands-off approach because it works well.

[Happywifey2011]

Twin Suns Three

You need to leave it alone. Trying to mend things is only making it worse. This has nothing really to do with you, so quit blaming yourself.

Based on your responses to others, I am going to guess that there was something wrong with the sibling dynamic BEFORE you came along. It sounds like your husband was probably a doormat to them. He listened to their advice, prioritized their needs / wants, and bent over backwards to please them.

Then, he met you, fell in love, and got married. They are not the center of his universe. He developed a backbone and they don't like that so they blame you for it. In their minds, you've done something to their brother to change his behavior. In fact, the only thing you've done is exist. It's not fair but that's how it is.

You married HIM, not his family. Although it makes things easier if everyone in a family gets along, it's not necessary for a marriage. Your husband doesn't like how his sisters disrespect you, and he doesn't like how they disrespect him.

If he doesn't want to invite them to the renewal ceremony, then you need to support his decision. If he doesn't want them at your child's birthday party, then you need to support his decision.

These are two important days that shouldn't have to be ruined because they want to start something.

I don't try to fix it I just wish there was something that could be done.
You're pretty much exactly right about all of that. It sucks though cause whenever he stands up for himself they tell him he's just being too sensitive and needs to stop cause he's not a girl.
Then his parents tell him that he needs to just let it go cause they're his family and he's stuck with them, but they never say anything to the others about it.
In his siblings minds we are immature and need professional help and they are "what family is about" and I'm trying to tear him away from his family. Even though he moved out of state before just to get away from them and how he was treated.
I guess I pretty much needed to rant about all this and hear that we aren't being immature and sensitive...

[Happywifey2011]

fubenkunai

Oh Jesus. Upon seeing the reasons they've given for hating you, I rolled my eyes so hard, I think I sprained something. I have been there. My boyfriend's next youngest sister has Peter Pan syndrome or something, and she bitterly resents that they're not wee little children anymore. It's an ongoing thing; she can't stand to be even halfway independent and it's been true her whole life, despite her parents' best efforts to instill age-appropriate behavior. I got to be the big a*****e when we started dating, but the truth is that she'd been resenting him ever since he dared move out to go to college. She wanted him to stay at the local school (which was terrible for his field, unlike the world-ranked school he attended), and never move more than five minutes away, and maintain the status quo where she and their parents called the shots. That's mega-unhealthy, and that's not an issue with me-- she would have hated anyone who didn't strong-arm him back home and then essentially disappear every time she wanted something from him. That's her dysfunction and that damaged their relationship before I even knew the guy existed.

I tried to be accommodating, but it didn't work, and eventually I quit. It was killing me and for nothing. I let him handle it and he did. It was, after the initial angst over not putting 200% of the effort in, much easier, because it wasn't my problem. I couldn't understand the situation fully and I wasn't even part of it, really. He eventually had the mother of all blow-outs with her, and I just turned up my music while they were arguing and was supportive of him later. So far, they seem to be on a better footing because he explicitly spelled out for her that he's an adult and he's not her subordinate, but we'll see how it goes. Point is, my continuing involvement would only have muddied the waters, and it would have taken away the psychological safe space of our house/relationship away from him. I'm a strong proponent of the hands-off approach because it works well.

I have been hands off, all this started with his sister not respecting that he can't miss work to do stuff for her cause she was too lazy to stick with the original plan on his day off.
Then she brought me into it talking s**t about me out of nowhere and next thing I know his older sister is threatening me on Facebook and his sister in law is saying "she lost her brother" cause of me.
My husband just stood up for me while I cried not understanding why they are doing this to me
We both unfriended them and haven't talked to them in months.
But they are still saying s**t about us and blaming me for everything

[Happywifey2011]

Dion Necurat

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her hoTuse.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

I know he wants to invite them and wishes they would grow up already.
He really wanted his brother to be his best man and it breaks my heart that he won't get that because of how they feel about me

Are you sure it's you?

Now I don't know the situation as well as you do, but it sounds like they had major issues before you ever came into the picture. They may be bitching about you now, but if you weren't there, they would all just be bitching about something else.

So it's not actually you. It's not your problem, and it's not your fault. So even if you tried really hard, you're not going to be able to fix this. This is up to your husband to deal with this.

I am kind of curious though: What is their problem with you?

I honestly don't know what their problem with me is. His oldest sister said "they feel like they lost their brother" but before he was with me he did nothing but drink and drive all the time and was on his way to killing himself so I think I saved them from truly losing their brother.
He wants to spend time with me and his son and he works all the time to give us a better life. So he no longer drops everything and leaves work to do something for one of them.
They also feel I haven't earned my place in their family.


Pretty much as was said they're self centered jerks who feel better than me somehow and like I don't belong in their family

Aaaah, they're used to having to take care of him, and now that they don't have to, they feel like he's replaced them with you. At least, that's what I'm getting.

Honestly, I don't know how much he values his sisters, but if they truly cared about his well-being, they'd be happy for him.

...But this is all beside the point, as his family issues with you really have no bearing on your married life.

It's actually quite the opposite he's been the one always taking care of them. He's never been the one to rely on others. It took a lot for me to just gain his trust in relying on me.
So pretty much their pissed he has a wife and child to take care of and can't drop everything for them. The only times they've talked to him in the 4 years I've been with him is to ask him to do something for them. And now that he stopped (cause he got a new job that he works all day everyday and can't afford to lose) they act like they were so close before I came along and I caused all of this

[Neko Namida Ame]

First of all, it's very important that you don't feel like it's your fault. It's clear you know logically that you have every reason to believe it's not but the feelings are still there nagging at you. It's important to your mental health and to your relationship with your husband that every time you feel bad like it's your fault this is happening, say to yourself out loud even if you have to, "I've done everything I can and it's not my fault that this is happening." Right now your mind has come to peace with this to some degree but your heart (so to speak) has yet to catch up with it because it's become accustomed to having this reaction every time you think about it. This way you'll be taking control of the situation every time it happens and eventually those guilty feelings won't keep nagging you. This will help you feel better and it will improve your relationship with your husband because he won't be feeling bad about you feeling bad about it.

Moving on, I know it's very difficult to be in a position where your significant other's family doesn't get along with them very well and it's even worse to get dragged in to it. My boyfriend's family isn't always on good terms with him either and though luckily they've liked me a lot so it hasn't escalated to how yours has, I know that feeling of wishing things were better for him. The difficult truth to swallow is there isn't much you can do about it. There isn't any direct thing you can do to make it better but you're not entirely powerless in the situation. The best thing you can do that will help will be to support your husband. Talk to your husband about his relationship with his family and be there for him. If you think your husband's sister's actions are crossing a line as in she acts like an ex instead of a sibling, ask him about it. Open up a discussion with him about how that is and see if he's just as bothered by it as you are and say, "Hey. have you ever talked to her about this?" These are issues he needs to either resolve or come to terms with as being unfixable. You can't fix them for him but you can encourage him to fix them himself and support him with whatever decision he makes. If he thinks it's better not to invite them then you should stand by that decision. From what you said, it sounds like he's having problems with them but it doesn't sound like he's actively trying to resolve them. If he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop and then trying to get it all out at once, nothing will get solved because at that point it just becomes an argument so if this is what is going on, suggest him new ways to approach the situation and see if things improve. Suggest him to have calm heart-to-hearts with his siblings if he wants to pursue and improve those relationships but if he doesn't, understand that it's better off this way for him right now and give him some space about it. It's really hard to just step back some times but it's also usually for the better in situations like this.

[Happywifey2011]

Neko Namida Ame

First of all, it's very important that you don't feel like it's your fault. It's clear you know logically that you have every reason to believe it's not but the feelings are still there nagging at you. It's important to your mental health and to your relationship with your husband that every time you feel bad like it's your fault this is happening, say to yourself out loud even if you have to, "I've done everything I can and it's not my fault that this is happening." Right now your mind has come to peace with this to some degree but your heart (so to speak) has yet to catch up with it because it's become accustomed to having this reaction every time you think about it. This way you'll be taking control of the situation every time it happens and eventually those guilty feelings won't keep nagging you. This will help you feel better and it will improve your relationship with your husband because he won't be feeling bad about you feeling bad about it.

Moving on, I know it's very difficult to be in a position where your significant other's family doesn't get along with them very well and it's even worse to get dragged in to it. My boyfriend's family isn't always on good terms with him either and though luckily they've liked me a lot so it hasn't escalated to how yours has, I know that feeling of wishing things were better for him. The difficult truth to swallow is there isn't much you can do about it. There isn't any direct thing you can do to make it better but you're not entirely powerless in the situation. The best thing you can do that will help will be to support your husband. Talk to your husband about his relationship with his family and be there for him. If you think your husband's sister's actions are crossing a line as in she acts like an ex instead of a sibling, ask him about it. Open up a discussion with him about how that is and see if he's just as bothered by it as you are and say, "Hey. have you ever talked to her about this?" These are issues he needs to either resolve or come to terms with as being unfixable. You can't fix them for him but you can encourage him to fix them himself and support him with whatever decision he makes. If he thinks it's better not to invite them then you should stand by that decision. From what you said, it sounds like he's having problems with them but it doesn't sound like he's actively trying to resolve them. If he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop and then trying to get it all out at once, nothing will get solved because at that point it just becomes an argument so if this is what is going on, suggest him new ways to approach the situation and see if things improve. Suggest him to have calm heart-to-hearts with his siblings if he wants to pursue and improve those relationships but if he doesn't, understand that it's better off this way for him right now and give him some space about it. It's really hard to just step back some times but it's also usually for the better in situations like this.

He knows his sisters behavior is ******** up but she thinks its perfectly normal and everyone in his family just says "they're really close" but I really believe its crossing a line to try to ruin his relationships so she can have him to herself. She even claims not to want to marry her baby daddy because of her brother.
And he has tried to talk to them all about being nicer to me and their response is "we're being sensitive" he tried to talk to them about being more respectful towards him and they say "he's being sensitive"
They can't see it from his side or notice their behavior is wrong. They believe they never do anything wrong. And then say we need to try harder and admit we are the ones who are wrong, which we have done and it still doesn't stop.
He already apologized for this fight and they kept saying "you need to apologize"
So therefore that's why the ball is in their court now and we can't do anything about this cause every time my husband tried to be the bigger person and have a discussion with them they shut him down and say he's being immature

[Neko Namida Ame]

Happywifey2011

Neko Namida Ame

First of all, it's very important that you don't feel like it's your fault. It's clear you know logically that you have every reason to believe it's not but the feelings are still there nagging at you. It's important to your mental health and to your relationship with your husband that every time you feel bad like it's your fault this is happening, say to yourself out loud even if you have to, "I've done everything I can and it's not my fault that this is happening." Right now your mind has come to peace with this to some degree but your heart (so to speak) has yet to catch up with it because it's become accustomed to having this reaction every time you think about it. This way you'll be taking control of the situation every time it happens and eventually those guilty feelings won't keep nagging you. This will help you feel better and it will improve your relationship with your husband because he won't be feeling bad about you feeling bad about it.

Moving on, I know it's very difficult to be in a position where your significant other's family doesn't get along with them very well and it's even worse to get dragged in to it. My boyfriend's family isn't always on good terms with him either and though luckily they've liked me a lot so it hasn't escalated to how yours has, I know that feeling of wishing things were better for him. The difficult truth to swallow is there isn't much you can do about it. There isn't any direct thing you can do to make it better but you're not entirely powerless in the situation. The best thing you can do that will help will be to support your husband. Talk to your husband about his relationship with his family and be there for him. If you think your husband's sister's actions are crossing a line as in she acts like an ex instead of a sibling, ask him about it. Open up a discussion with him about how that is and see if he's just as bothered by it as you are and say, "Hey. have you ever talked to her about this?" These are issues he needs to either resolve or come to terms with as being unfixable. You can't fix them for him but you can encourage him to fix them himself and support him with whatever decision he makes. If he thinks it's better not to invite them then you should stand by that decision. From what you said, it sounds like he's having problems with them but it doesn't sound like he's actively trying to resolve them. If he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop and then trying to get it all out at once, nothing will get solved because at that point it just becomes an argument so if this is what is going on, suggest him new ways to approach the situation and see if things improve. Suggest him to have calm heart-to-hearts with his siblings if he wants to pursue and improve those relationships but if he doesn't, understand that it's better off this way for him right now and give him some space about it. It's really hard to just step back some times but it's also usually for the better in situations like this.

He knows his sisters behavior is ******** up but she thinks its perfectly normal and everyone in his family just says "they're really close" but I really believe its crossing a line to try to ruin his relationships so she can have him to herself. She even claims not to want to marry her baby daddy because of her brother.
And he has tried to talk to them all about being nicer to me and their response is "we're being sensitive" he tried to talk to them about being more respectful towards him and they say "he's being sensitive"
They can't see it from his side or notice their behavior is wrong. They believe they never do anything wrong. And then say we need to try harder and admit we are the ones who are wrong, which we have done and it still doesn't stop.
He already apologized for this fight and they kept saying "you need to apologize"
So therefore that's why the ball is in their court now and we can't do anything about this cause every time my husband tried to be the bigger person and have a discussion with them they shut him down and say he's being immature

Has he tried calling them out on it as in pointing out he already apologized, pointing out that no matter if he's being sensitive or not that this is how he feels and his feelings matter? If they won't listen, it's better to just cut them off and let it go. He made a mistake by saying it was his fault when it's not because they are taking that as justification in the matter that they are right when they aren't.

[Happywifey2011]

Neko Namida Ame

Happywifey2011

Neko Namida Ame

First of all, it's very important that you don't feel like it's your fault. It's clear you know logically that you have every reason to believe it's not but the feelings are still there nagging at you. It's important to your mental health and to your relationship with your husband that every time you feel bad like it's your fault this is happening, say to yourself out loud even if you have to, "I've done everything I can and it's not my fault that this is happening." Right now your mind has come to peace with this to some degree but your heart (so to speak) has yet to catch up with it because it's become accustomed to having this reaction every time you think about it. This way you'll be taking control of the situation every time it happens and eventually those guilty feelings won't keep nagging you. This will help you feel better and it will improve your relationship with your husband because he won't be feeling bad about you feeling bad about it.

Moving on, I know it's very difficult to be in a position where your significant other's family doesn't get along with them very well and it's even worse to get dragged in to it. My boyfriend's family isn't always on good terms with him either and though luckily they've liked me a lot so it hasn't escalated to how yours has, I know that feeling of wishing things were better for him. The difficult truth to swallow is there isn't much you can do about it. There isn't any direct thing you can do to make it better but you're not entirely powerless in the situation. The best thing you can do that will help will be to support your husband. Talk to your husband about his relationship with his family and be there for him. If you think your husband's sister's actions are crossing a line as in she acts like an ex instead of a sibling, ask him about it. Open up a discussion with him about how that is and see if he's just as bothered by it as you are and say, "Hey. have you ever talked to her about this?" These are issues he needs to either resolve or come to terms with as being unfixable. You can't fix them for him but you can encourage him to fix them himself and support him with whatever decision he makes. If he thinks it's better not to invite them then you should stand by that decision. From what you said, it sounds like he's having problems with them but it doesn't sound like he's actively trying to resolve them. If he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop and then trying to get it all out at once, nothing will get solved because at that point it just becomes an argument so if this is what is going on, suggest him new ways to approach the situation and see if things improve. Suggest him to have calm heart-to-hearts with his siblings if he wants to pursue and improve those relationships but if he doesn't, understand that it's better off this way for him right now and give him some space about it. It's really hard to just step back some times but it's also usually for the better in situations like this.

He knows his sisters behavior is ******** up but she thinks its perfectly normal and everyone in his family just says "they're really close" but I really believe its crossing a line to try to ruin his relationships so she can have him to herself. She even claims not to want to marry her baby daddy because of her brother.
And he has tried to talk to them all about being nicer to me and their response is "we're being sensitive" he tried to talk to them about being more respectful towards him and they say "he's being sensitive"
They can't see it from his side or notice their behavior is wrong. They believe they never do anything wrong. And then say we need to try harder and admit we are the ones who are wrong, which we have done and it still doesn't stop.
He already apologized for this fight and they kept saying "you need to apologize"
So therefore that's why the ball is in their court now and we can't do anything about this cause every time my husband tried to be the bigger person and have a discussion with them they shut him down and say he's being immature

Has he tried calling them out on it as in pointing out he already apologized, pointing out that no matter if he's being sensitive or not that this is how he feels and his feelings matter? If they won't listen, it's better to just cut them off and let it go. He made a mistake by saying it was his fault when it's not because they are taking that as justification in the matter that they are right when they aren't.

Yes hes done all of that and that's what caused the fight cause they all turn it back on him being immature (which in my eyes he's the most mature of them)

[Kalos-chan]

You can't fix it. No matter what you do. No matter how perfect you are. They'll hate you.

Your husbands needs to sit them down and have a stern talking to.

My fiance's psychotic mother abused us while we dated. He moved out. Got his own place. We live together and my fiance has cut his mother out of his life. For good. This is because his mother will never like me. She makes our lives miserable. My fiance's mother had a choice: Grow up and accept me or lose her son. She lost her son. She blindly believes he'll leave me and run back to her.

If I were you I would not tolerate this. Your husband knew what he was dragging you into and it isn't fair.

Honestly? You and your husband should cut off his family. Forever.

I say forever because they will not change. And honestly, they sound like they have mental problems of some sort. They sound a lot like my fiance's mother who has several mental problems.

Your husband should talk with his family and tell them they are out of line and have been for a very long time. You two have tried to make it work. But nothing. So they have a choice. They can shut up, grow up, accept you and stop having God complex's. Or they can keep doing what they're doing and he cuts them off for good. And they will have no relationship with your side of your family, with him or any kids you both have.

They will choose you both cutting them off I am 99% sure. Because they are convinced he needs them and will run back like a dog. His family see your husband as nothing more than a dog on a leash they can treat like s**t and he'll come back. Their way or the high way, so you best pick the high way.

They wont stop. They wont ever stop. Cut them off. Or have a s**t life forever.

They probably have some sort of mental problem; they believe he needs them more than anything else for one, which is a BIG red flag.

Cut them off. Live happily with your husband.

[Happywifey2011]

One of the real ******** up things is they feel they know "what family is really about" and we don't.

His older sister moved across the country
His brother never comes around, his wife's family lives not even 2 miles away on the same road but they go over there every weekend, never stop at his moms even though they drive right past it
And his little sister ditches family weddings, parties, holidays, everything to spend it with her baby daddy's family

And they know what family is all about and we don't?

[Kalos-chan]

You have your answer then from all of the posts, all you can do is discuss with your husband now.

[Happywifey2011]

Me and my husband have talked about it plenty of times.
I told him that if they still haven't talked to us in a few months that he should message his brother (who is only not talking to us cause his wife forbids it cause of all this s**t) and tell him that he really wanted him as his best man and it sucks that this stupid fight is gonna get in the way of that

Is that a good idea?