Earning my place

[Happywifey2011]

So a few months ago my husband was on the phone with his little sister just saying ok ok ok and she flipped out and started yelling how " he can't talk to her like that" so he yelled at her ( a lot of built up stuff involving how they treat him) and he hung up.
She texted him saying it was me making him act like that ( I was nowhere around during this conversation) and that he doesn't need me he needs her. And tried to tell him I threatened to kill her. Which absolutely never happened.
So my husband got pissed cause his siblings have always treated me like s**t. (he has an older sister, an older brother and a sister in law, and a little sister who is my age, and another little sister who is 8 and we've never had any issues with her)

Now when we would go to family things the two sisters and sister in law always would ignore me or give me dirty looks or just say mean things to me and I've always just dealt with it. One time his little sister told me I forced him to marry me.

I've dealt with it but it really upsets my husband. His sister ( my age) has always not liked me, she's told lies about me to him and kept saying I was cheating on him and tried to get him to leave me the whole time we dated. She even tried so hard to talk him out of marrying me. I think this behavior is a little unnatural, she behaves like a crazy ex.

Well after the big fight his sisters claim I haven't earned my place as their sister (none of this involves the 8 year old sister, she's called me her sister the second we married)

My family welcomed my husband with open arms, I have 2 older brothers an older sister and a younger sister and they all treat him like a brother. It pisses my husband off that his family can't do the same for me when they did with everyone else who married into the family.

We've apologized and they haven't, my husband hasnt talked to any of his siblings in 3 months. Our sons first birthday is at the end of this month but he doesn't want to invite them.

I feel as if it's all my fault my husband has lost his family and idk what to do about it

[Robot Giny]

There's nothing you can do about it. Your husband is a lot older than you, right? There are plenty of people in this world who wouldn't be willing to legitimize your relationship, and apparently that includes your husband's sisters.

To them, you are likely nothing but a golddigger. It will take time for you to prove to them that they are wrong. And they may never change their minds about it.

[fubenkunai]

Damn, woman, not everything is your fault! Bring this chronic and terrible need to blame yourself up in therapy, please. If nothing else, I'm sure it hurts your husband to hear you speak so badly of yourself all the time. Resolve it, grr argh Hulk smash!

I think your husband's sense about this conflict is right. He doesn't want these people around him. He's got a lot of years' expertise in dealing with his sisters, so chances are his evaluation is pretty good. It sounds to me like his sisters are picking fights, and that they would probably be doing this to anyone he was involved with. Some people are like that. It also sounds to me like his sisters forced him to choose between you and them, and in so doing drove him away. I understand that, because when someone says to me, "It's me or them," they've made the decision: I won't have people around me who feel they can dictate my life or manipulate me with demands. Is it uncool that your husband had to choose? Yes. But is that in any way your fault? No.

It is necessary and important to get rid of toxic people. Your husband has done this. The ball is now 100% in his family's court, especially after your very-unneeded apology. If they do not suck it up and act their age, well, that is their problem and it shows bad things about their character. You can't force them to do that, and you are not obligated to put yourself or your family through any more suffering for these people. They can either take you civilly or not take you at all. You combat this not by hating yourself or trying to force reconciliation, but with love. You strengthen your family bonds with your husband and son, and with your family, and with any non-toxic family members of your husband's. You commit to providing a stable, supportive, loving environment for all of you. Whether or not his sisters ever get with the program is irrelevant and should not be a goal. Rather, shoot for having a nice, supportive family unit for your son, and only let good people have access to him. He's too precious-- as are you and your husband-- to let bad people hang around.

[Happywifey2011]

Robot Giny

There's nothing you can do about it. Your husband is a lot older than you, right? There are plenty of people in this world who wouldn't be willing to legitimize your relationship, and apparently that includes your husband's sisters.

To them, you are likely nothing but a golddigger. It will take time for you to prove to them that they are wrong. And they may never change their minds about it.

My husband is 24 and I am 22. By no means am I a gold digger. We live in my mother in laws basement and got married at the courthouse. I love him for him not money

[Robot Giny]

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

There's nothing you can do about it. Your husband is a lot older than you, right? There are plenty of people in this world who wouldn't be willing to legitimize your relationship, and apparently that includes your husband's sisters.

To them, you are likely nothing but a golddigger. It will take time for you to prove to them that they are wrong. And they may never change their minds about it.

My husband is 24 and I am 22. By no means am I a gold digger. We live in my mother in laws basement and got married at the courthouse. I love him for him not money

Ahem.

Okay, my bad. I totally had you confused with someone else here.

...wait. If there is no big age gap, then there is absolutely no logical reason for his siblings to be acting the way they are. Fubenkunai is 100% right, they need to go ******** themselves and you need to stop taking all the blame for this. They're all grownups and they need to start acting like it.

On the other hand, it already sounds like your husband made his choice, and he's happy with it. He married you, and he already had a bad relationship with his siblings, so it's not like things have gotten worse. They've just found a new thing to b***h at him about.

Take a step back and try and realize that this most likely has nothing to do with you. This is all about the dynamics of their relationships, and you just got unlucky enough to be targeted.

[Happywifey2011]

fubenkunai

Damn, woman, not everything is your fault! Bring this chronic and terrible need to blame yourself up in therapy, please. If nothing else, I'm sure it hurts your husband to hear you speak so badly of yourself all the time. Resolve it, grr argh Hulk smash!

I think your husband's sense about this conflict is right. He doesn't want these people around him. He's got a lot of years' expertise in dealing with his sisters, so chances are his evaluation is pretty good. It sounds to me like his sisters are picking fights, and that they would probably be doing this to anyone he was involved with. Some people are like that. It also sounds to me like his sisters forced him to choose between you and them, and in so doing drove him away. I understand that, because when someone says to me, "It's me or them," they've made the decision: I won't have people around me who feel they can dictate my life or manipulate me with demands. Is it uncool that your husband had to choose? Yes. But is that in any way your fault? No.

It is necessary and important to get rid of toxic people. Your husband has done this. The ball is now 100% in his family's court, especially after your very-unneeded apology. If they do not suck it up and act their age, well, that is their problem and it shows bad things about their character. You can't force them to do that, and you are not obligated to put yourself or your family through any more suffering for these people. They can either take you civilly or not take you at all. You combat this not by hating yourself or trying to force reconciliation, but with love. You strengthen your family bonds with your husband and son, and with your family, and with any non-toxic family members of your husband's. You commit to providing a stable, supportive, loving environment for all of you. Whether or not his sisters ever get with the program is irrelevant and should not be a goal. Rather, shoot for having a nice, supportive family unit for your son, and only let good people have access to him. He's too precious-- as are you and your husband-- to let bad people hang around.

I know I need to not blame myself, and we need to not have people who don't support us in our life
But I really can't help but think its my fault when they blame everything on me. My husband tells me it's not my fault it's there's and a do know this, but if I was a more like able person maybe they would have been able to accept me.
I can just tell it bothers my husband that his family still won't talk to him

[Happywifey2011]

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

There's nothing you can do about it. Your husband is a lot older than you, right? There are plenty of people in this world who wouldn't be willing to legitimize your relationship, and apparently that includes your husband's sisters.

To them, you are likely nothing but a golddigger. It will take time for you to prove to them that they are wrong. And they may never change their minds about it.

My husband is 24 and I am 22. By no means am I a gold digger. We live in my mother in laws basement and got married at the courthouse. I love him for him not money

Ahem.

Okay, my bad. I totally had you confused with someone else here.

...wait. If there is no big age gap, then there is absolutely no logical reason for his siblings to be acting the way they are. Fubenkunai is 100% right, they need to go ******** themselves and you need to stop taking all the blame for this. They're all grownups and they need to start acting like it.

On the other hand, it already sounds like your husband made his choice, and he's happy with it. He married you, and he already had a bad relationship with his siblings, so it's not like things have gotten worse. They've just found a new thing to b***h at him about.

Take a step back and try and realize that this most likely has nothing to do with you. This is all about the dynamics of their relationships, and you just got unlucky enough to be targeted.

I still want to be able to help and make them see that their ridiculous. Like someone really needs to get his little sister to realize her crazy ex girlfriend tendencies. Like if you really love your brother you would want him to be happy and not attack his wife..

[Robot Giny]

Happywifey2011

I still want to be able to help and make them see that their ridiculous.

But you can't. This isn't just a simple misunderstanding. It's not you can explain the situation and they'll say, "Oh! I totally thought it was something else, wow, that is absolutely my bad. Here, let's go get brunch." They're using you as a way to harass their brother. It sounds like their relationship was ******** up even before you showed up, right? So you're just caught in the middle, and you can't fix it because you're not really involved, you're just kind of there.

Happywifey2011

Like someone really needs to get his little sister to realize her crazy ex girlfriend tendencies. Like if you really love your brother you would want him to be happy and not attack his wife..

But she doesn't want him to be happy, that's the thing. She wants to control him, he's not letting her, and it's really, really, really pissing her off. And since she's knows he cares about you, she can attack you with the knowledge that it will hurt him.

Seriously. Not your fault.

[fubenkunai]

When someone blames everything on other people, do you think that maybe, they're doing that because they do not want to be held responsible for their own part in things? Usually, that is the case. I think that is the case with your husband's sisters. They sound like they are very immature, self-centered, negative people. Ultimately, I think not having them around will be a blessing, particularly since they have no trouble lying and speaking ill of people. Do you really want your son to be exposed to that?

I think you and your husband need to bring this up in therapy. I suspect that even though this has been hard for him, he knows this is the right decision and he will come to peace with it given a little more time. Harping on this being your fault is a) wrong, b) destructive, and c) potentially getting in the way of your husband expressing his feelings about this. If he is so focused on doing damage control with you, he might not be able to really tell you the truth about his feelings. He might not have the time, he might get derailed into taking care of you, and he might fear that you won't believe him. I have a large helping of blame for his sisters over this; toxic people are very good at making others too stressed and anxious to really talk things out. Take toxic blame long enough, and you start to doubt yourself. But it's nothing wrong with you or your husband, and I think you should put this on the agenda for your counseling so you can put it all behind you.

[Happywifey2011]

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her house.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

[Robot Giny]

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her house.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

[Happywifey2011]

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her hoTuse.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

I know he wants to invite them and wishes they would grow up already.
He really wanted his brother to be his best man and it breaks my heart that he won't get that because of how they feel about me

[Robot Giny]

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her hoTuse.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

I know he wants to invite them and wishes they would grow up already.
He really wanted his brother to be his best man and it breaks my heart that he won't get that because of how they feel about me

Are you sure it's you?

Now I don't know the situation as well as you do, but it sounds like they had major issues before you ever came into the picture. They may be bitching about you now, but if you weren't there, they would all just be bitching about something else.

So it's not actually you. It's not your problem, and it's not your fault. So even if you tried really hard, you're not going to be able to fix this. This is up to your husband to deal with this.

I am kind of curious though: What is their problem with you?

[Happywifey2011]

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her hoTuse.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

I know he wants to invite them and wishes they would grow up already.
He really wanted his brother to be his best man and it breaks my heart that he won't get that because of how they feel about me

Are you sure it's you?

Now I don't know the situation as well as you do, but it sounds like they had major issues before you ever came into the picture. They may be bitching about you now, but if you weren't there, they would all just be bitching about something else.

So it's not actually you. It's not your problem, and it's not your fault. So even if you tried really hard, you're not going to be able to fix this. This is up to your husband to deal with this.

I am kind of curious though: What is their problem with you?

I honestly don't know what their problem with me is. His oldest sister said "they feel like they lost their brother" but before he was with me he did nothing but drink and drive all the time and was on his way to killing himself so I think I saved them from truly losing their brother.
He wants to spend time with me and his son and he works all the time to give us a better life. So he no longer drops everything and leaves work to do something for one of them.
They also feel I haven't earned my place in their family.


Pretty much as was said they're self centered jerks who feel better than me somehow and like I don't belong in their family

[Robot Giny]

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Robot Giny

Happywifey2011

Well my mother in law wants us to invite his siblings to our sons party, which we are having here at her hoTuse.

And then we're planning our wedding/vow renewal in December and I think that if we don't invite them (which my husband says not to) it's gonna create a bigger rift in them that will never be fixed.

Hopefully the not being invited to our sons first birthday will make them realize what they are gonna miss out on behaving like this. But it probably won't. I feel like if none of us ever say anything then things will never be fixed

Your husband doesn't want to invite them. I say take his lead on this, since they're his family. This isn't your problem to fix.

I know he wants to invite them and wishes they would grow up already.
He really wanted his brother to be his best man and it breaks my heart that he won't get that because of how they feel about me

Are you sure it's you?

Now I don't know the situation as well as you do, but it sounds like they had major issues before you ever came into the picture. They may be bitching about you now, but if you weren't there, they would all just be bitching about something else.

So it's not actually you. It's not your problem, and it's not your fault. So even if you tried really hard, you're not going to be able to fix this. This is up to your husband to deal with this.

I am kind of curious though: What is their problem with you?

I honestly don't know what their problem with me is. His oldest sister said "they feel like they lost their brother" but before he was with me he did nothing but drink and drive all the time and was on his way to killing himself so I think I saved them from truly losing their brother.
He wants to spend time with me and his son and he works all the time to give us a better life. So he no longer drops everything and leaves work to do something for one of them.
They also feel I haven't earned my place in their family.


Pretty much as was said they're self centered jerks who feel better than me somehow and like I don't belong in their family

Jesus christ they sound like assholes.

I know saying "don't feel bad" is easier said than done, but you really aren't at fault here. They obviously have hella issues they need to deal with, and simply telling you that you haven't "earned" your place in the family is some major bullshit right there.

Try not to put some much pressure on yourself to fix this.