Depressed, could use someone to talk to

[blacklily19]

Where do I begin. I just want to give a little background information about myself. My parents sent me to boarding school at a young age. In my opinion, I believe "they" wanted me to be around people who they thought were successful and that if I surrounded myself with people like that, it would be a good environment for me.

My parents moved for their new job. In high school I was constantly bullied by a group of girls. They came up with rumors that I was a slut and a whore. I don't know why they would say those things about me. I never even talked to half of them and I do not dress provocative. They made hate pages and blogs about me. My memories of high school were quite, sad. I remember spending lunch by myself at the library everyday. I went on the computers and surfed the internet till lunch passed. In fact, I dreaded lunch or any school activities because it meant that I had to sit by myself. It was hard to make friends. Sure, I chatted with a few people in class but it was only that. When the bell rang they would go to their group of friends. By then I just started to be fed up with school and my grades just plummeted. It got tired of sitting by myself and waiting for the lunch break to pass.

I told my parents about it but they were passive about it. I usually get the "you should work harder" response or "well you have it better than kids in Africa" type of thing. They said it was my fault. I should note that my parents are very strict, for example I wasn't allowed to wear tank tops in high school. I wasn't allowed to attend any sleep overs. I am in my mid twenties right now and to this day, if I am out at let's say 1AM, they call my phone and ask me where I am and tell me to come home. They also didn't attend my graduation because they said it wasn't "a big deal".

After high school was over, I started school at a local community college. I had no idea what I was doing. I thought I wanted to become a doctor. Then when I got to calculus and ochem, I just couldn't handle it. I went to tutoring, talked to my teacher, got help from classmates but nothing worked. Since I didn't really have anything to do on the weekends, I dedicated a lot of time into my school work but I just couldn't get it. I thought, well, no medical school is going to accept me with C's so why continue. It just made me frustrated and miserable. The more I tried the more my self esteem became lower and it was pretty non existent in the first place.I was constantly failing my classes. My parents blamed me for "partying" when I went out but in reality, when I go out I just go to a museum or store to walk around by myself. I find it funny they think I'd be partying because I don't even have people to party with! I tried taking other classes that I thought would seem interesting but I still didn't know what I wanted to do. Everyone seem to know what they were doing and it just made me really frustrated about myself.

After a few years of not knowing what I wanted to do, I finally transferred into a University for graphic design. It was a fairly large University and I tried to navigate this new life on my own. For me, it was a little hard making friends and I was still dealing with feeling depressed and anxiety attacks from time to time. Anyway during this time, I met a guy and started a relationship with him. I got through University but somehow I still didn't feel accomplished. My parents didn't attend my graduation because they thought it wasn't a big deal. They thought that by 25 I should have been already done. I was really sad because I saw all these families taking pictures and friends hugging each other. That day I remembered walking back to my apartment and taking a nap.

After I graduated, I found out my boyfriend started talking to another girl. He reunited with some old friends and started hanging out with a new girl. I guess this is why I decided to write this post. Right now I'm just full of anxiety and sadness. I moved back with my parents, am having trouble finding a job, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me and I just feel like the ugliest piece of s**t right now. We fought about it for a while, he said he wouldn't do it again. I started looking back at myself, and I feel bad for not having any friends. I feel bad for feeling like I don't have any family. I know this is stupid and embarrassing but, I feel bad about myself when I log on facebook because I see people with all their "friends" and it makes me feel inadequate. I religiously check this girl's instagram and facebook and I compare myself to her a lot – I know I'm pathetic. How happy she looks, how she has a lot of friends, and how pretty she is. I just broke down crying today and I don't know why this happened because he seemed really happy. I've gone through my whole life feeling alone and self loathing.

I apologize that this post if very long. I just wanted to get some thoughts off my chest. If anyone could give me some advice what I should do next or how to deal with this, feel free to post. Any thoughts or comments are appreciated. Thank you.

[kinnykins]

okay i was with you until you said your bf is cheating on you. how is he cheating on you?
also you can skype me if you need to IM someone 3nodding

[blacklily19]

Kinny Fear

okay i was with you until you said your bf is cheating on you. how is he cheating on you?
also you can skype me if you need to IM someone 3nodding

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I didn't go into detail cause my post was already long. Basically I was on his computer doing homework and surfing the net looking at clothes or whatever and a message popped up. She replied to this message, like saying she had a great night with him or whatever. I got upset, scrolled up and found out they have been hanging out, together alone. He told me he was hanging out with friends. He tells her she's so beautiful and everything. They've been exchanging flirty and sexual messages. It was from this particular girl. I kind of knew about her. Because he recently started hanging out with a group of friends and she is in the group. It makes me upset because she knows that I'm with him. Bleh, I'm still shaking from the thought about it.

[xthumbtack]

Well that guy must be a real jerk.

And uh, this might not be comforting but your social life seems to be on par with mine sweatdrop
But I got over it pretty much out of no where one day. Remember, when you're feeling like a loner, or just unappreciated, it does suck but it's probably self-imposed. There are lots of people are out there who are welcoming, you just have to keep your head up and do your best to keep searching.

[kinnykins]

blacklily19

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I didn't go into detail cause my post was already long. Basically I was on his computer doing homework and surfing the net looking at clothes or whatever and a message popped up. She replied to this message, like saying she had a great night with him or whatever. I got upset, scrolled up and found out they have been hanging out, together alone. He told me he was hanging out with friends. He tells her she's so beautiful and everything. They've been exchanging flirty and sexual messages. It was from this particular girl. I kind of knew about her. Because he recently started hanging out with a group of friends and she is in the group. It makes me upset because she knows that I'm with him. Bleh, I'm still shaking from the thought about it.

ty for clarifying. what a douchenozzle. stare

your parents are emotionally neglectful. but some of the strict things they do, are most likely out of love. for example, the calling you at 1am, i imagine is done for fear of your safety as a woman. they don't seem to be bad parents through and through... but they definitely need to acknowledge their child's bullies. wtf.
your boyfriend destroyed you, if you haven't left him already he needs to be your EX. and put that girl on block for your own sake, so you will STAHP looking at her and feeling jealous. you owe yourself that much. don't wallow in negativity. emotion_hug

i think you should look into getting some psychotherapy. just talking to a counselor once a week would really help.
my stepmom emotionally abused me, and i wasn't able to even DEAL with it until i started working with my therapist. a lot of things rise to the surface, and you've got to be in it for the long haul, but you walk away with new coping mechanisms and strategies.