Choosing between parent and friends! Need help.

[Orochi-kun Majidani]

I love my Mom. She knows this and she loves me too.
The problem is in my trying to be there and help her with her problems (i.e. she falls alot) it causes me to miss out/let down/cancel things that I plan with my friends.
I feel like s**t for canceling/being late for things that I want to do and I know it upsets them too.
On the opposing hand, I feel like a terrible daughter if I'm unable to help when she needs it.

I even got into a fight with one of my friends today because I was almost 5hrs late to go to the gym because I took my Mom to one of her errands (she recently had a crash and has no car now) and felt like I am a disappointment to everyone.

How should I go about handling this? I don't want to give up on my friends, and I want to be able to help my Mom but I worry that she's taking it for granted that its causing issues in my life.

Please help.

[Squirtlefart]

If i were you I would talk to my friends first. Tell them about the situation with your mom. If there were your real friends they would understand and maybe even try to compromise. Maybe you guys could do something at your house instead of always going out? That way you can help out your mom and hang out with your friends.

And maybe talk to your mom about how you feel too. it's good to tell both of the sides so both of them know how you're feeling.

hope this helps.

[legnanellaf5]

Honestly I doubt your mom is taking advatnage of you, she isnt trying to fall and it sounds like she is trying to do things around the place to be independent despite it. But your friends need to stop being dicks. If the fact that your mom has issues you need to be there to help with isnt something they can understand, then dont be their friend. I know its frustrating for them to have you be late, but if people can put up with those who are late because they are slow, they should be able to deal with the fact you are in a tough position.

Im not sure hwo bad she is, but if the mom really needs a lot of help, then you should talk about actually getting a person who can do that, instead of assuming that it has to be you.

[SOB GOBLlN]

i feel like any of your friends who are mad because you take care of your mom arent good friends at all
talk to your mom and friends about it so they understand better
if your friends dont understand forget them and find better friends
or maybe consider hiring someone to help you take care of your mom

[Inspirational ANON]

Orochi-kun Majidani

I love my Mom. She knows this and she loves me too.
The problem is in my trying to be there and help her with her problems (i.e. she falls alot) it causes me to miss out/let down/cancel things that I plan with my friends.
I feel like s**t for canceling/being late for things that I want to do and I know it upsets them too.
On the opposing hand, I feel like a terrible daughter if I'm unable to help when she needs it.

I even got into a fight with one of my friends today because I was almost 5hrs late to go to the gym because I took my Mom to one of her errands (she recently had a crash and has no car now) and felt like I am a disappointment to everyone.

How should I go about handling this? I don't want to give up on my friends, and I want to be able to help my Mom but I worry that she's taking it for granted that its causing issues in my life.

Please help.

First off, your friends are super self and they don't sound like good friends. Your mother in this case IS the most important. She does NEED you. Your friends don't.

[Honey of the South]

You should talk to your friends to make sure that they understand your situation and if any of them still get upset about it then they just aren't worth your time in the first place. You should probably hire somebody to help take care of your mom so that you can have some time to yourself and to hang out with your friends if you can afford it. I'm sure that your mom feels bad as well about taking your time away from you, she just doesn't want to admit it.

There are other things that I would suggest, but I'd probably have to know your mother's age before I suggest them.

[Blooming desire]

Your mother isn't taking advantage of you. It's just a lot of accidents(falling) she get into. It's important that she needs help

For your friends, talk to them about your situation and try to make a compromise. If they won't listen and continue to be a**es, then they are selfish. They are not good friends, go find better friends to hang out with. Friends should understand that type of situations can't be help when hang outs are cancelled no matter how frustrating it is

[Petrograd]

You do inform your friends of delays in advance, right? Its best to inform them as soon as possible that youre going to be late. If you get an errand shortly before meeting up its good to give them a warning in advance.

If they cant accept your delays despite this, only schedule things well after errands are completed.

Either way its good to have times dedicated to taking a break from.your mom.where both you and she knows in advance youll be doing things without her.

[PeachyPosterior]

Falls a lot is very vague.
Does she constantly need you there?
Maybe you should think about having some sort of caretaker there for her when you can't be?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with driving your mom around, but you do have a life of your own.
If she says "I have errands" you can say "I have plans tonight, but we can go tomorrow and do them"
It'd be best if you can have things planned a week or so in advance. Know your moms schedule, what she needs your help on, and then when you have free time put your friends in there.

You don't need to pick one or the other, you need to be able to balance them, and your friends need to understand that your mom needs your help with certain things, and need to be patient about it.
Just like you can't be there 100% of the time when your mom wants, you can't be there 100% of the time when your friends want.

5hours late for the gym is excessive though. Half an hour to an hour is okay-ish for late.
Anything more and you might as well cancel / reschedule rather than having them waiting on you.

[Clocksys]

Your friends have to understand that you have to help your mother. Tell them about what is going on with your mother, that may delay your guy's hanging out time

[Reiken no Tenshi]

Couple of things. First off, do you at least call or text your friends to let them know you're going to be late? Part of it could be a communication issue if they're expecting you and waiting on you without hearing from you that you're going to be a while.

Also, have you tried talking to your mom about this? If you both could work out a schedule, that would likely improve things since you would know ahead of time when her appointments are and when she needs to run errands so you would know when she would need you.

When it comes down to it, while you want to help your mom, you need to take care of yourself. If you're falling apart, you won't be able to help anyone.

If it's that she needs someone to help her with day to day things, maybe you can look into services that provide that sort of support to help take some of the stress off you. But if she knows about your plans ahead of time and continues to call on you at the last minute, there could be something else going on that needs to be addressed.

[Orochi-kun Majidani]

3nodding 3nodding

First let me start by saying thank you to everyone who replied.

About my friend:
I took the advice and discussed the situation with my friend who was having a problem with me canceling and missing dates. She had also been having some issues and explained how they were affecting her. We've reached a sorta tentative place and are building back to where we were before the big blowout.

About my Mom:
My mom is only in here mid-50's, and there hasn't really been anything clear about why she's falling so much. She goes for about three or four months without having trouble, then when it starts-- it lasts for about two months. She's had quite a few surgeries and trauma, so we're just going off of what we can to prevent falls now. Getting her a lower bed/mattress seems to help too (not having to stretch so far or over exert to get in bed.)

About the situation in general:
Yes, I text/call to let people know when something is happening/having to cancel.
If necessary I will do play by plays. It seems that I had misunderstood something that I'd scheduled (the gym) by misreading a message.
This week, I gave each of them a day or two exclusively in my schedule. I also have my husband taking care of a couple errands with my Mom so I can take some personal time and not feel like I have the world on my shoulders.

IN SHORT:
I feel so much better this week and am working on my time management and relationship.
THANKS EVERYONE~~ sweatdrop