Caregiving Burnout Venting Rant

[Emmie The Strange]

I will try to type this out in a way that makes some sort of sense seeing it is swirling around in my head faster then a tornado so it is not really easy to type out without seeming like I am jumping all over the place and therefore sounding like a complete clutterbrain. If you make it all the way through I applaud you cause it is all over the place, repeats, and is super long. I am not looking for a pat on the back this is simply as I state a rant to myself. If you think you can offer some help or know what it is like to have this burnout then please do not hesitate to post.

First off however I would like to make one thing clear my past with the Life Issues both my own threads and skimming other people's threads is that it can attract people that jump in just for the sake of jumping in and causing people to feel worse or argue and the like. I of course am not going to say do not post if you are not going to treat me like a princess cause that is bullshit I am a big girl but I would like to ask you at least be kind with your honesty. There is a difference between being rude and a troll and being honest and blunt. With that being said...

So a little about myself the messed up caregiver. I am bipolar and have severe PTSD with Anxiety to name the bigger ones. I also am Schizophrenic and have Borderline and Obsessive Compulsive. To be honest I have so many of these stupid disorders I really cannot remember them all I know is they make living life really a pain in my a**. Taking pills make it so doing ever day things have to be done with more care and sometimes end up messing me over like my birth control makes it so I end up for a week being the biggest b***h because my mood stabilizer ends up messing up. Which for the record you are already messing with hormones lets just mess with the mental right?

Well that is not the actual thing I want to talk about. That is about me as a whole even if I am the caregiver this is about the caregiving itself. The main thing is actually technically a family thing. The fact is my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer back in June. I was his PCA (Personal Care Assistant) before then and have continued since then. It was hard as it was having sick parents as it was as I could hardly leave the house in fear that one of them would be dead or possibly need me and I could not be reached. At the time I also was trying to go to college and also dealing with other drama. At this point I have a plan so that is not an issue. I will be my father's PCA and help my mother along with my autistic brother at the same time.

I have no problem with that or rather I had no problem with that. I used to be a very depressed person I still have moments like that. I used to cut and try to kill myself. It was a dark time but my Dad in it's own twisted way made it so I straighten out for a lack of a better phrase. The only problem is having disorders and having to also care for two other people on top of a very high maintenance person makes it so I feel I need to sleep as much as I can among other things. Sometimes it borders on the point of depression. Where I feel like I no longer love my father because I feel like he takes advantage of me due to some of his requests.

Some of his requests are so simple that I have actually been told not to feed into him because he will get worse health wise by not getting any exercise and yet he guilt trips me. He also threatens to fire me. He asks me for my paycheck I get for taking care of him seeing he gets it in his head that because I am caring for him that it is somehow his money and therefore he can borrow it. Yet at the same time he will do these hurtful things and then do a complete 180 and then have sob sessions and it kills me to see him like this. It is like each month is another chain jerk. I also recently got my first boyfriend around this year and he can tell it is taking a toll on me and therefore our relationship because my coping mechanisms unfortunately involve distancing and becoming silent. Something he is not used to so it is not just effecting me it is effecting him as well.

Now that is just my Dad asking for my help. My mom recently has peaked in her anxiety (I got most of my disorders from her side of the family) and needs me to go with her places. So I usually end up burning both ends of the candle. Early in the morning and afternoon with my Dad for food, clothes, bathes, etc. Then my mom it is shopping, buying food, things that involve driving, etc. Often going into the evening. Which then my Dad wants to watch tv so we stay up and I end up getting close to four hours of sleep. So I live for the weekends but that is when my brother comes over. So when I do not end up with my boyfriend where my parents feel they can live without me my brother is added to the mix asking me to get him food, soda, to make him food, and to help him buy things online and the like.

Having three people constantly asking for help for EVERYTHING makes it so I slowly begin to resent them. Which in itself makes me depressed and kills me because I love them. I told them and they of course back off for say a week to a month before slipping into old habits. I know I am suffering from caregiver burnout which makes me even more depressed because before I simply wanted to care for them all and wanted to and every time I think about how I was back then I want to cry. Sometimes it gets better and I get that break to restart so I know it will get better just like with depression but during the burn out sometimes I just want an out but what type of person would I be if I abandoned my family just cause I am a little tired?

Sometimes I wonder if I am not worthy of caring for my family because I am to selfish and should let someone else do it but they claim they want me to do it because they feel more comfortable with me in the house. Someone they know. In my more angry times I feel like it is just because I am a cash cow and because I am in the house. It gets so confusing. I have a job now which is a good thing and I love my family so I love helping them I cannot stress that enough but at the same time I cannot feel like a monster sometimes for the thoughts I get. I am not trying to hide behind my mental illnesses. I just know they certainly are not helping. It also does not help that my Mom often sometimes argues with my Dad due to being in pain and having to sacrifice her own health for my Dad's appointments so she says some horrible things in her own mental illness rages.

It has become less toxic but because I have Anxiety and PTSD I am just waiting for the worst. I was given a death sentence for my father. He technically should be dead by now and for that I am grateful that he is not. Especially because there is no tension at the moment but I just fear for it to start again. I am still healing from the last round of burnout and enjoying the peace. Trying to cheer my Dad up, making plans, inviting my boyfriend over who my Dad basically adopted because his own father is a d**k but that is a whole 'nother can of worms. I just... Do not know. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever because I do not dream and in a way it is like I do not have to worry about anything but that is just running.

I have been to another thread that had some good books I plan on getting the next time I get my paycheck but I suppose besides just getting this out of my head so I can sleep I am wondering what you all think. I know Gaia is not the place for this and yes I have a therapist. (Though I ahve not seen her since my Dad was diagnosed seeing we are going based off his schedule) Also while there is peace there is still fear. My brother due to his autism has no idea about my father's condition (for the better but I am afraid for the future) and recently my grandmother found out she has Lung Cancer. My uncle also has lung cancer. I do not care for them (as in PCA I love them both as well) but both of them are related to my Mom so it spills into her mood. On top of that my uncles on my dad's side basically only care about themselves save for one and just want his health updates to check themselves and have no care for his own health.

So I guess to make a long story short I am a depressed, irate, ball of resentment. Healing at the moment. Has plans for the future as far as college and my relationships go. Got two help books lined up along with reconnecting with my therapist but... This is where you guys come in. Anything else I could possibly do? Probably to long didn't care to read though right? As least I got it out of my head I suppose. I know Gaia or really the internet in general is a horrible place to go seeing some people have compassion and some people do not give two flying ******** but talk anyways but seeing I have an account here and do not have an account on any other media source I figured might as well right? Hopefully this goes better then my past attempts posting here. I would like to think despite everything I have grown since my last times posting here.
Nope probably still a whiny little b***h

[New Vogue Child]

Holy hell, you won the stress jackpot. All that, and you were trying to go to school? ((I'm also a caregiver with bipolar, ptsd, anxiety, and severe depression. I only have an old dude with Alzheimer's to worry about, but even I'm at my wit's end by the end of the day.)) I can't even begin to imagine the sheer hell your life is... Oh boy, where to begin?

First of all, it is VERY COMMON for resentment to grow when you're suddenly taking care of a relative. That doesn't make you horrible or unworthy, it makes you human.


I would advise that you try adding some structure.

Draw some lines and set up boundaries. Don't let people take advantage of your time or money.
If they are capable of doing it themselves, no matter what it is, take a hard stance and make them do it themselves.

Your mom probably needs her anxiety meds upped, because damn (not that you can probably do much about that, but you could try suggesting it?) There's no reason you should be forced to go to the store with her if she's capable of going on her own.

It sounds like you're running around like a chicken with its head cut off... Try setting a care schedule, so things happen at the same time every day; food, hygiene, quiet time... Having a road map, even a scattered one can help the chaos and drastically lower your stress level.
Example: Someone wants food? Well, lunch time is in an hour, so they can wait until then.

More than anything, you need to schedule some time for yourself. Post schedules all over the house if you have to. Make time that's only yours, and make it well known that you are not to be bothered during this time. Use this time to relax, do something you like, or have some antisocial fun time.

You're not whiny, you're consistently carrying three people on your back at the same time; people who are lashing out and flailing at you because they're all fighting their own battles.

You're a damn super hero.

[Emmie The Strange]

New Vogue Child

Oh I have never spoken to another caregiver. Let alone another one who has same mental illnesses as me. It kind of gives me hope that even if at the end of the day there is burn out that it is not like I am the only one doing this. That in itself oddly enough gives me some hope.

I have been told that by one nurse that resentment grows when you take care of anyone and said some kind words. Others however seem not to know what burnout is and look at you like you are a horrible person for getting a little catty at the people you care at because they are being a little annoying and you are at wits end.

Adding structure is rather difficult but sounds like an idea I will try to force into my Dad's schedule. His schedule does not stop me from having everyone stop borrowing my money or doing things I know they can do themselves. I suppose my 'walk over me' nature is to blame but I need to buckle up on that.

She actually does not even have anxiety meds she just sees a therapist. I know her therapist and either will talk to my mom or her therapist directly about what to do about anxiety because she used to like driving alone because she got things done easier but since being in a car crash and just worrying about me trying to kill myself and my dad's health she wants someone with her. I can understand it but it does not make it any easier to handle when I am not going to kill myself and I am trying to care for my dad at the same time. I understand PTSD so it is hard to say no. The medicine seems like a good idea though hopefully something there will help her. Hell maybe the two books I am getting can help her. They are PTSD books.

Currently I am more like a hamster on crack but normally I am like a chicken with it's head cut off. I actually do have a pay schedule where I am suppose to stop caring for him between a certain type of hours. It is just that I am here (hence I felt sometimes in my rage that it was not because they felt more comfortable with me rather it was me being just next door) I will say there is absolutely no boundaries and lots of confusion as far as hours and money belonging to who though. I have been trying to get that through people's heads but so far nothing for the long run. My brother only recently started getting to the annoying level due to seeing my parents and not understanding the situation. He is easier to tell to hold on and he will.

Recently (thank got it is getting colder) I used to have my door open with a fan to blow in cold air) and it was like a request door. Now I have taken to closing my door. My parents have taken the hint only to knock if it is a serious issue like my Mom knocked a week ago to tell me my Dad had a fever of 103 and we needed to go to the hospital which I am fine with. I noticed the closing of the door almost was a symbol of I am not open come back later. An actual schedule is when I sleep. My parents at least know that I get really pissy and manic if I get no sleep or if my sleep is interrupted so they try to avoid that. Which I appreciate even in their more needier times/annoying times.

I appreciate this. I do not really consider myself a hero but I just want to be able to care for my family without falling apart because if I do then I cannot care for them properly. I understand death can be scary and so they say things or if something hurts they act cranky so I can roll with that but when it just seems like they are being lazy and I have three people just doing that I want to write my two weeks notice and hide. I will take the moment of peace I have now and try the things you suggested, have some conversations, set up some boundaries, and see if that does not stop it from cycling back into a less peaceful time. Thank you for your help and reply.

[New Vogue Child]

Definitely stand up for yourself more; not getting walked all over does wonders for the mood.
You're not the bank, and you're not "mommy."

If your mom takes issue with the suggestion that she might need something to help her handle the anxiety, try reminding her that it's not going to change who she is, it just helps put the control back in her hands.


As for adding structure, I've found this schedule template useful before, perhaps it can help you too:

[.doc]
[.pdf]

If you need someone to vent to, you can feel free to pm me.

[Rosrael]

I'm not a carer or care giver but I've just finished my nurse degree.
I'll be honest, it sounds like you are going through hell and back. You are in no way selfish for trying to have your own life. You were not born to spend your life looking after your family. You need to have your own time or you will burn out (as you know).
This is something that you can not do on your own. Can you talk to your boyfriend, or friends about this? Not letting things out will make you feel worse, my therapist once used the analogy if a volcano building up magma beneath the surface until it explodes in an eruption of emotion.

PM me if you want to talk properly. I may not have schizophrenia but I do have bipolar and one of my best friends is schizophrenic and bipolar. I find that it helps talking to those who have more of an understanding of how you feel, especially as you don't feel like you're being judged.

[Kumacchiato]

Im going to leave some hugs.... Since i cant suggest anything
-huggles- heart

[Tsubahi]

Wow, you are REALLY stretched thin between all your sick, demanding relatives! eek

They really should get a professional nurse so you can at least go and have your own life, especially when you're still young. confused

[Emmie The Strange]

New Vogue Child

Definitely stand up for yourself more; not getting walked all over does wonders for the mood.
You're not the bank, and you're not "mommy."

If your mom takes issue with the suggestion that she might need something to help her handle the anxiety, try reminding her that it's not going to change who she is, it just helps put the control back in her hands.


As for adding structure, I've found this schedule template useful before, perhaps it can help you too:

[.doc]
[.pdf]

If you need someone to vent to, you can feel free to pm me.

Thank you so very much I will make use of those. I can tell you I never really wanted kids so having three people who are suppose to be older than me and guide me act like suddenly three kids I never planned on having certainly is not good for me.

I think my mom would understand. I at least I hope she would eventually. She can be sensitive but she knows my past and I think she would be willing to work for a greater good. Granted these are my opinions and I like to think highly of them despite the hell they do put me through. So the actual result is still to be seen. I will mention it to her tomorrow. I was reeeeeally busy today with basically doing everything but at least there was no arguing. That is something I can find peace in.

I will keep you in mind if I need to vent you have been especially helpful. smile
Thank you very much.

[Emmie The Strange]

Rosrael

I'm not a carer or care giver but I've just finished my nurse degree.
I'll be honest, it sounds like you are going through hell and back. You are in no way selfish for trying to have your own life. You were not born to spend your life looking after your family. You need to have your own time or you will burn out (as you know).
This is something that you can not do on your own. Can you talk to your boyfriend, or friends about this? Not letting things out will make you feel worse, my therapist once used the analogy if a volcano building up magma beneath the surface until it explodes in an eruption of emotion.

PM me if you want to talk properly. I may not have schizophrenia but I do have bipolar and one of my best friends is schizophrenic and bipolar. I find that it helps talking to those who have more of an understanding of how you feel, especially as you don't feel like you're being judged.

Coming from someone who finished their degree really helps me. Most nurses look at me sideways and I wonder if it is just me. Only one nurse in my whole time doing this granted it has just been under a year has told me what caregiver burnout was and that it is okay to feel this way. Granted seeing she was the first and only one to tell me I assumed she was just being nice to me cause I look 12 ._.;;

Everyone else seems to always get on their high horse and give me these looks so I always assumed it was me. I looked what she said up and found out it is a real thing but it seems like a lot of people have no clue what it is or do not really care until they experience it (usually) well at least the people I know seem to like to do the whole sit on a mountain and 'oh you should be glad he is alive how dare you act so blah blah blah blah; so then I assume it really must be me.

Add mental illnesses, negative thoughts, depression, delusions, and you just got a whole bad crack pot of burnout. I love my family even if I get angry and such. I just have moments like you said like a volcano I explode. Ugggh now I am pretty much just repeating my first post with different details but in any case thank you for your post as well. I will keep you in mind if I need to talk. It helps to have people who also have mental illness or at least understand/accept it and do not give it that awful stigma like it is contagious.

As for my boyfriend he is very supportive but like I said he has his own issues and I do not have many friends. I had an issue a while ago resulting in someone who made it so I really only had one friend. I am kinda socially awkward so I only have a few close friends and I do talk to them but this is the type of thing where I rather rant and if people want to listen then I thank them from the bottom of my heart but I cannot make someone want to talk to me about it. (save for my therapist cause... She gets paid and yeah ha...) due to feeling bad as everyone has their problems why are mine more terrible?

Anyways I went on for way to long again so shutting up n_n;;

[Emmie The Strange]

DefauIt

Im going to leave some hugs.... Since i cant suggest anything
-huggles- heart

Hugs are helpful too. So thanks for the hugs. (:

[Emmie The Strange]

Cuppolove

Wow, you are REALLY stretched thin between all your sick, demanding relatives! eek

They really should get a professional nurse so you can at least go and have your own life, especially when you're still young. confused

I was born to my parents when they were rather old considering. Especially for the time as well seeing most people around that time and even later had children usually in their late 20's they had my brother in their mid fifties and me a few years later. (not planned but a miracle) Sooo unfortunately my brother ended up having some defects from that and I was luckier from learning natural birth is not as wonderful as advertised.

I suppose in a way it might be easier if my brother also helped me out (if he was not autistic) but no way do I blame him. I did when I was ignorant and younger. I feel he has taught me many things and I appreciate him for it. He does not always live at home so he is not as much trouble and is actually really a sweet heart. He is just confused by my parent's behavior and thinks it is okay to ask me for thinks as well.

Monkey see monkey do. It would be nice to get a professional nurse but I do not think that is possible. I can say this whole thing has changed my life so I guess I can thank them for that. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life but now I want to become a doctor. I want to help people and perhaps if I am not related to them they cannot harass me at my door haha... But as burnt out as I am with the help of a few Gaians and my Boyfriend I really have been feeling better.

A nurse would be helpful I will not deny that though. I have been caring for them since I was around 14 so really this is nothing new. In a way it kept me straight, never did drugs, never drank, never did anything crazy. Of course it has it's negatives. I never had many friends, never had much of a social life. -shrug- Right now as long as my family is well I am happy of course they just happen to drive me insane while doing it unfortunately.

Annnnnd I went on another rant repeating myself and defending my family -facepalms-

I am sorry. I appreciate your suggestion though. As I said it would be helpful.

[New Vogue Child]

Emmie The Strange

[...] feeling bad as everyone has their problems why are mine more terrible?

Sorry, but I super hate it when I see people say this.


Yes everyone has their problems. Due to the nature of human suffering and the world as a whole, someone will always have worse problems than someone else. It's just the way it goes.

This does not, nor will it EVER make your problems or your pain less valid.

[Emmie The Strange]

New Vogue Child

Emmie The Strange

[...] feeling bad as everyone has their problems why are mine more terrible?

Sorry, but I super hate it when I see people say this.


Yes everyone has their problems. Due to the nature of human suffering and the world as a whole, someone will always have worse problems than someone else. It's just the way it goes.

This does not, nor will it EVER make your problems or your pain less valid.

Hmm it never occurred to me to think of it that way.

I think it is because I grew up in a house where if you had a problem it suddenly turned into a shitting contest so I kind of just made it so I never bothered because my default was to assume not that my friends would turn it into a shitting contest but they had it worse so why bother? But I can see where you are coming from. We all have it bad so there is no reason for my issues to be considered nothing. I will keep that in mind n_n thank you for that different side of things cause I certainly would not picked it up anywhere from my household.

[Marrms]

First hand right here. Seven years of doing live in care giving for my grandmother. Not going to lie, taking care of family is a totally different field and kind of stressful when it comes to care giving. Because we're family, boundaries get blurred.. Sometimes other family members forget that you are only human and a family member before a care giver. Stressful but rewarding.

But I didn't even read all of your post, because just from the first few pieces of it I can tell you need to do some stepping back. I'm not saying quit, but you definitely need to remember to take the time for yourself.. especially when you get to feel like you're tired/ being used by your dad and your mother. Because if you keep going down this road you're just going to burn yourself out to the point of not caring or quiting.

Step a way from the people who don't urgently need your help. Maybe, talk to whoever is in charge of your fathers care "if you're going through an agency about getting a respite nurse or just another care aid in your company that would be willing to fill in for you for so many hours a day.

It sounds like you really need it.

Please take of yourself too. People are important, but you are number one.. For yourself and them.

[Emmie The Strange]

Marrmee

First hand right here. Seven years of doing live in care giving for my grandmother. Not going to lie, taking care of family is a totally different field and kind of stressful when it comes to care giving. Because we're family, boundaries get blurred.. Sometimes other family members forget that you are only human and a family member before a care giver. Stressful but rewarding.

But I didn't even read all of your post, because just from the first few pieces of it I can tell you need to do some stepping back. I'm not saying quit, but you definitely need to remember to take the time for yourself.. especially when you get to feel like you're tired/ being used by your dad and your mother. Because if you keep going down this road you're just going to burn yourself out to the point of not caring or quiting.

Step a way from the people who don't urgently need your help. Maybe, talk to whoever is in charge of your fathers care "if you're going through an agency about getting a respite nurse or just another care aid in your company that would be willing to fill in for you for so many hours a day.

It sounds like you really need it.

Please take of yourself too. People are important, but you are number one.. For yourself and them.

I will make sure to take your advice it is nice to know I am not the only one who has experienced this blurring of the lines. Thank you for your post.