xScarlet_Cloudx
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- Posted: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:04:07 +0000
Hey, guys so hears the story. I have want to become a children fantasy author since I was in middle school. I'm in college now, but last summer was one of the worse summers of my life. You see I use to be ms. goodie2shoes, never made-out with guy (only kissed one guy before), drank, or did drugs, but last summer I got really drunk for first time. There was this dude I told I didn't want to do anything with him and I reject his offer for a kiss earlier, but now I was drunk on his bed because there was no where else to sleep. Well he kept on pestering me by saying "let's play," and I reply with "I am virgin, I wanna stay that way." He replies with "You will, lets play," I say "pinkie promise" and he pinkie promise and ask again, I say nothing; so without my consent he takes off my shorts and goes down on me; I do nothing, I don't fight back...all I do is stare at the ceiling. I feel numb to it all, I don't feel any pleasure and I didn't like it - all I wanted was it to end and all I could think about was sad thoughts about my first boyfriend, who broke up with me a few months go. But then he says we should do the 69 and I don't want to, but I don't say anything. So he kind of helps me to sit-up right until I eventually in the position and for reason I do it. It takes less than minute before I start to cry. And that it for the night, but for some reason I stay over the next day because I don't want go home after what had happened. We make out and I give him a handjob and there's touching, but I won't take off my underwear. I later leave and never speak to him again. I meet another boy and kind of have a fling with him even though I don't like him and I know he only wants to sex from me. He doesn't care who I am and I'm just trying to replace the memory of the last incident with something I have more control in. I only get half naked with him and give him hand job and let him kiss my chest. I eventually end our fling without doing more. Anyways, this event has cause me a lot regret, guilt, disgust, depression, and I done a lot stupid things; like phone sex and letting some 30 year old rub his d**k on Skype while I change in back, not really caring about anything. However, I am slowly getting over it, and I don't drink or hangout with guys like that anymore. Now the main thing that bothers me is the fact I don't feel right about following my dreams. I don't think sex or sex acts are bad, not if you doing it with guy you like or it's your choice. But I hardly knew or cared for these guys and I let them step all over me. I want to follow my dreams, but I feel wrong doing so. Yes, maybe in some people eyes I'm still a virgin and maybe I haven't gone too far for almost 20 year old, but I feel gross. Can a girl who sucked d**k and had her tits sucked really write children books about fairies and unicorns? I just feel like I being a fake and trying to be innocent, when I'm not so innocent anymore. I really want continue following my dreams, but I feel wrong doing so. What you guys think?
BTW I didn't mean to use word "slut" badly, if want have sex with 20 guys their nothing wrong with that and your choice, I just thought made good title.
BTW I didn't mean to use word "slut" badly, if want have sex with 20 guys their nothing wrong with that and your choice, I just thought made good title.
