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The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



Okay, so yesterday I had my fortnightly session of counselling with my psychologist who I've been seeing for over a year now (if it helps I'm being put through therapy for PTSD, anxiety and depression).

Our session yesterday focused mainly on my boyfriend and my relationship and the fact that over the past week, I had spiraled into a deep hole of depression all over again. We dicussed my fight against self-harm during the past week, what triggered me etc.

What I noticed was, is that my anxiety levels and depression increase when he and I fight (not over the big stuff though). For instance, the other night, he got irrationally angry at me because he wants me to go to uni and I don't want to go to uni.

I'm usually the kind of girl who gets hung up over the small stuff and I get quite knarky about it. For instance, he'll forget to tell his parents something about our plans and I'll get really mad over it. In my session with my psychologist and after a long chat with my mother, I finally decided that I needed to learn to let things go and not sweat the small stuff because it was only causing me problems.

I got home and we (my boyfriend and I) talked on skype. I had missed the last period of my school day to go to see my psychologist, so I asked if we'd gotten any homework. He said he didn't write it down and had forgotten. So I sent back, "That's okay, no problem. smile I'll just ask S" (S is a friend in our class). Instantly, he jumps on me saying: Something's not right....I feel you should be mad. To which I reply: There really is not point in being mad. I can just get the homework off S. Thanks anyway babe.

So we continued talking and he brings up his parents. Now, for a bit of background information, things between his parents and I have been a little rocky, so I'm not all that fond of them and they're not fond of me either. He tells me: I'm going to do homework with them, which means I'll be spending most of the night with them. I was like: Oh, okay. No problem. You might learn something. smile

He then called me on skype and started saying that it was all wrong and that I should jump on his back and yell at him and stuff and that I felt "alien". I calmly tried to explain that I wasn't different at all, I simply changed my attitude, but he felt "abandoned" and like "I didn't care about his decisions anymore". After a long-winded explanation and him crying, he went to do homework with his parents. Usually, I would have sat waiting at my computer the entire time, eager for him to get back and when he didn't come back when he said, I'd cry and get really depressed. This time, I didn't. I read and basically spent time with myself and was generally happy. I know that this is a step in the right direction for me, but he doesn't seem able to accept that.

I guess in a way, I'm wondering whether it was a smart thing to do? I don't want to hurt him. He feels like he's dating a different person, when the fact is, I'm still me, I'm just not going to react negatively anymore.



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He's a jerk who gets off on being able to cause you stress. It makes him feel powerful.
Robot Giny's avatar

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It sounds like he got used to your neediness. The important thing to focus on is that these changes are positive for you, and your boyfriend will probably get used to it.

And if he doesn't, well...you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

Daku-Naku
He's a jerk who gets off on being able to cause you stress. It makes him feel powerful.



(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



I see what you're saying and I agree with the last part, however I don't think he does it consciously. As in, he isn't going out of his way to make my life hell to feel better, but it's a subconscious thing.

My psychologist described it as "kick-the-dog syndrome". He gets s**t from his parents, supresses it and then because he views me as a weaker person then him, he kicks at me. He is working on it, but he said that when I came home acting different it was "culture shock".



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The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

Robot Giny
It sounds like he got used to your neediness. The important thing to focus on is that these changes are positive for you, and your boyfriend will probably get used to it.

And if he doesn't, well...you can cross that bridge when you come to it.



(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



Thank-you. I guess in some ways I'm insecure and not sure of myself, so I'm trying to reassure myself that what I am doing is right.

If he ever did try to prevent my growth or 'recovery' I'd have to do what is right for me and leave.



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Ms Fidem
(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



I see what you're saying and I agree with the last part, however I don't think he does it consciously. As in, he isn't going out of his way to make my life hell to feel better, but it's a subconscious thing.

My psychologist described it as "kick-the-dog syndrome". He gets s**t from his parents, supresses it and then because he views me as a weaker person then him, he kicks at me. He is working on it, but he said that when I came home acting different it was "culture shock".



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In that case, maybe all he knows is freakouts. There's a theory that people will often stay in a hurtful or uncomfortable situation way longer than they have to because it's familiar to them, and familiarity in itself is comforting. Change is difficult, so a lot of people stay in unhealthy situations because they're used to it.

If that's the case, maybe try asking him why your attitude is making him feel the way he does. If he doesn't even know himself, maybe he needs someone to show him. (And by show I mean, if you ask him, he'll come up with the answer himself so it won't seem like you're pushing your ideas onto him.)
The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

Daku-Naku
Ms Fidem
(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------


I see what you're saying and I agree with the last part, however I don't think he does it consciously. As in, he isn't going out of his way to make my life hell to feel better, but it's a subconscious thing.

My psychologist described it as "kick-the-dog syndrome". He gets s**t from his parents, supresses it and then because he views me as a weaker person then him, he kicks at me. He is working on it, but he said that when I came home acting different it was "culture shock".


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In that case, maybe all he knows is freakouts. There's a theory that people will often stay in a hurtful or uncomfortable situation way longer than they have to because it's familiar to them, and familiarity in itself is comforting. Change is difficult, so a lot of people stay in unhealthy situations because they're used to it.

If that's the case, maybe try asking him why your attitude is making him feel the way he does. If he doesn't even know himself, maybe he needs someone to show him. (And by show I mean, if you ask him, he'll come up with the answer himself so it won't seem like you're pushing your ideas onto him.)



(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



It actually makes sense. Thank-you.

I'll be sure to ask him and approach it that way. I never thought it would be a "familiar" thing. Wow. Thank-you, that's a real eye-opener for me.



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Ms Fidem
(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



It actually makes sense. Thank-you.

I'll be sure to ask him and approach it that way. I never thought it would be a "familiar" thing. Wow. Thank-you, that's a real eye-opener for me.



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Glad to help.
You're absolutely doing the right thing. Your personal welfare is always more important than a relationship. I think he's so used to you freaking out over every little thing, that this new perspective on life you've adopted feels like a whole new person.

Try talking it over with him and tell him about the latest breakthrough with your therapy. Figure out why it's so important to him that you have meltdowns over simple matters like homework. I'm sure he doesn't actually want you stressing yourself out. He just isn't used to the new behavior.
It's going to take some getting used to, but you did a good thing. Obviously, he got used to a certain amount of attention, and certain reactions, even if they were negative, and now that he's not getting them he's just confused on how to act and how to deal with it. It will take some time for things to settle down, unlearning habbits of expecting reactions is hard, but it's all for the best
The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

Twin Suns Three
You're absolutely doing the right thing. Your personal welfare is always more important than a relationship. I think he's so used to you freaking out over every little thing, that this new perspective on life you've adopted feels like a whole new person.

Try talking it over with him and tell him about the latest breakthrough with your therapy. Figure out why it's so important to him that you have meltdowns over simple matters like homework. I'm sure he doesn't actually want you stressing yourself out. He just isn't used to the new behavior.



(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



After seeing him at school today, he seemed to handle it better. I've discussed it with him and been understanding and patient, however I also made it clear that my growth mattered. He understands that now as well and is being more supportive.

Thank-you. c:



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The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

x-Garethp-x
It's going to take some getting used to, but you did a good thing. Obviously, he got used to a certain amount of attention, and certain reactions, even if they were negative, and now that he's not getting them he's just confused on how to act and how to deal with it. It will take some time for things to settle down, unlearning habbits of expecting reactions is hard, but it's all for the best



(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



Yeah, I understand that more now. Just as he wasn't prepared for my change of attitude, I wasn't prepared for his...shock. I didn't think the change was that significant, but it clearly was for him.

Thank-you for helping. c:



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Choke Chick's avatar

Interesting Poster

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Daku-Naku
He's a jerk who gets off on being able to cause you stress. It makes him feel powerful.

^^that. Your relationship is very unhealthy. I think you should at least take a break from each other for awhile.
The Kitten Meow's avatar

Shy Fatcat

Choke Chick
Daku-Naku
He's a jerk who gets off on being able to cause you stress. It makes him feel powerful.

^^that. Your relationship is very unhealthy. I think you should at least take a break from each other for awhile.



(っ◕‿◕)っ ♥ ----------



I know our relationship is very unhealthy. We've both been through a lot.

I don't think taking a break will fix things to be perfectly honest, besides, it's been nearly two days now and he's better.



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You should roll over in your sleep and attempt to kill him..... when he asks why just say "Hey I thought this threat of me going crazy brings the magic to our relationship."

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