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I don't really know what happened. Everything was fine for the first year and a half we've been together, then suddenly he changed. It's just that he has this delusion that he's a bad person. He calls himself a failure, a liar, a bad boyfriend. He goes on about how I deserve more and how he isn't enough for me. He talks about how he thinks everyone would be better off without him around and that he wished he could erase everyone's memories of him and disappear. It's just frustrating, cause I'm trying to hard to help him see the good in himself and I can't. I'd been having thoughts about suicide right before meeting him,and once we started dating they instantly went away. Now, that's happening with him, but it's not going away so I feel like there's something I'm not doing for him.

I just don't know what to do and it's really getting to me. I've tried telling him he's not all those things, and that I love him and it won't ever change, that he's everything I've wanted, but nothing seems to help.
angel_259236102's avatar

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STOP. Just stop. It isnt your fault or your responsibly to make him happy.
I guess so, I just feel like I should be able to. He says he's happy with me, but as soon as we're not together he instantly drops to this mood.
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He needs professional help, and he needs to want to help himself for it to have any effect.
The above responses are right, this is not your responsibility, you can suggest he gets some help and that it would make you feel better if he did but other than that there isn't much you can do.
For him at least.

You know how in an airplane it says secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others? Well you need to take care of yourself before you help anyone else. It sounds like you have had your own battles with depression and his depression could hurt you and send you back into a bad place.

As hard as it may be, if he is not open to improving his attitude with therapy or without it, you need to get away from him, for your own sake.

If he says anything serious about killing himself call the police immediately and tell them. You could end up saving his life and you will take the responsibility out of your hands.
TELL SOMEONE!!!! Contact his family, and tell them you are concerned. Tell his best friend. The biggest mistake that can be made with depression is not talking about it.
There is nothing wrong with helping your partner.
A relationship is a team effort. No him first or you first it is equal.
To me this is why most relationships fail.

People are more interested in helping themselves, more interested in what they can get out of it and when things get tough they leave. This irks me and although it isn't true for everyone I see it in the LI every single day. If I took half the advice from some of the people here my relationship of almost 4years would of ended in the first year. In the past it was: work together as a team and only when that fails should you leave. Not as soon as a bad sign comes up run for the hills. Maybe it was how I was raised, old fashion relationship style or whatever but oh well.

You can be his emotional support, but psychologically he needs an actual therapist. He can only help himself if he wants to help himself. And if he wants to help himself, that will be amazing and you can be there for him in ways a therapist or maybe his own family can't be. Sadly you can fix the issue, but you can assist it. Ask him if he'd like his family to know. Because going behind is back is not okay in my book. People say it is. But I'd leave my partner in an instant if they told my family half the stuff my fiance knows. Unless your partner is in a mind frame where they can not think or speak for themselves I wouldn't rat him out. Not everyone has these "magical fairy perfect parents that can help their child instantly" and ratting them out could do more harm than good. Would for me. Maybe not for him. But this is why it is a delicate subject.

You could write a list of all of his good traits and all of your bad traits. This will show him you're not perfect. That no one is. And that you want to help him see what is on the paper like you can. And for that to happen he needs therapy. Ask him would his family be able to help or would his family just freak and make things worse. Not all parents are reliable.

Most importantly; get him to see a therapist. Go with him if it is allowed. Not everyone can open up to a stranger let alone their own family.
Robot Giny's avatar

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Your boyfriend didn't make your suicidal ideations go away, you did that. And he needs to do the same for himself.

Support him as well as you can, but you can't fix him. He needs to want to do it himself, and the first step is to get some professional help and figure out what the hell his problem is.

Don't blame yourself for this, because you didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend is having some sort of crisis that has nothing to do with you. Support him, let him know you care about him, but it's up to him to do the rest.
This isn't something you can fix. He needs professional help.

Talk to him about getting into therapy. Unfortunately, therapy only works when someone actually wants to help himself. You cannot force him to do anything, but you can tell him that something is wrong. Express your concerns to him and ask him to get the help that he needs. This is not something that goes away on its own with time. Your depression did not magically disappear because he entered your life. At some point, you recognized that your thoughts and feelings were irrational and picked yourself up and made the decision to feel better about your life. He is in the same place but for whatever reason is not coping with it like you did.

Ask him if there's anything going on that he has not told you. Why is he a failure? What does he define as failure? What has he lied about? Why does he feel like he is a bad boyfriend to you? If he cannot give reasonable answers, then this is completely in his head. "You can do better" is not a sufficient answer to any of those questions because he cannot define what is "wrong" with him.
Honey of the South's avatar

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You need to convince him to go and see a therapist. Get people to help you do that and it may be more effective. His friends, his family, whoever. He needs an intervention.
SolrSurfr3's avatar

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First off, the absolute last thing you should do is blame yourself. From what I can tell, you genuinely care about your boyfriend, and I really doubt that anything you are or are not doing is the cause of how he's feeling. Maybe you can try to convince him to talk to a psychologist, someone who's qualified to help him understand and cope with his depression and suicidal thoughts. Other than that, the best thing you can do is remind him how much he means to you. If he thinks you're better off without him, prove him wrong. I think it will really help if he knows that you're there for him. (: I sincerely hope things work out for you two.

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