Assault and furious at unsupportive boyfriend!

[Hellmaster Luna]

Drop the un-supporting boyfriend, stay civil as you can for the sake of the little one.

It is not your fault you were assaulted, no matter the outfit, number of drinks, or anything. You have the right to dress how you want and get hammered, just like everyone else, without being sexually assaulted. Report the "friend" who assaulted you if you feel it is needed. Seek therapy, even if it scares you, or even talk to a good friend who can help you sort out your misconceptions, and help you sort out your experiences so you can begin to heal.

You can go for a long time without realizing the assault due to a few different reasons. Repression is one of the most common. Denial is another one. I'm sure the denial fits a bit better in this situation. You didn't want to believe someone who was supposed to be a good friend could do that, but, now that you have forced yourself to look at it, you realize you should've seen it sooner rather than denying the fact it happened. The denial could've been an unconscious move on your brains part to cope with it, and you wouldn't have realized it.

If need be to help your healing process, ask that friend why they did that too you, when they had no right to do so.

[Misty_Mystix]

IAmAnxiety

Lilith_Lilium

IAmAnxiety

I know. I'm confusing. I give too much and not enough information at the same time.

I had an abusive boyfriend before and I convinced myself he wasn't abusive because it only happened twice. Just like I convinced myself that I wasn't assaulted because there was no penetration.

Current boyfriend is the one who is being unsupportive, asking questions, seems to be more concerned on if I flirted than that it happened.

If you had abusive relationships before, unless you receive a lot of therapy and made a lot of progress in it, you are likely to attract and chose partners who are also abusers and toxic people.

You were drunk and not able to give proper consent to anything, so whether you flirted is irrelevant and there really is no way to know unless you remember that it happened, so it's best to assume that flirting from you did not happen. Innocent unless proven guilty, not the other way around.

He doesn't care about you. ******** this guy.

I can understand his concern with wanting to know if I was flirting with someone else in a sense that I wouldn't want him to be out flirting with someone else while I was home with his son. But the time to bring that up and voice his concerns? Uhm probably not when I admit to being assaulted.

And even after I told him that he was making me feel like it was my fault he said he wasn't mad at me he just needed to know because he's not going to be okay with me flirting with other people.

Honestly. Because THAT is what he should be worried about right now.

If he is accusing you of flirting, he in fact is trying to blame you and make it your fault. This guy isn't right in the head.

Also, I don't think you can trust this guy to not cheat on you again. He might just be looking for an excuse of you being unfaithful so he doesn't feel bad about deciding to cheat.

[Bucket]

IAmAnxiety

Thank you. I feel like an idiot though, like how can you go months without realizing you were assaulted.

As far as therapy goes the idea terrifies me.

Don't feel bad about not noticing it. I had a stalker during high school and I didn't put two and two together about how bad and pushy he was being until he was showing up at my house unannounced, uninvited, and unwelcomed while I was sick in bed with pneumonia for a month.
It happens. Denial, repression, or just general lack of suspicion; sometimes it can't be controlled, especially when you thought you could trust someone, ya know?

But don't be terrified of therapy. Put it in this perspective:
Would you rather go through therapy and get help as well as support? Or would you rather deal with an unsupportive, accusing boyfriend leaving a bad impression on your mindset, as well as your child?
You could even talk to a trusted friend or family member but honestly, you'd get better help with someone whose job it is to listen to and help people with their problems.

[Sith Faced]

I'm so sorry you experienced what you did :c
I went through something similar, and ended up having similar problems. Sex was a way for me to feel validated but after I would have panic attacks and feel sick for hours and eventually being around men at all made me want to cry.
It's hard, and horrible, and no one should have to go through it.
Know that what happened to you is not your fault, he should be more concerned with your well being rather then bullshit victim blaming. Whether you were drinking, flirting, or wearing what ever is not relevant to the fact that you were taken advantage of and it's devastating.
Get some therapy, that's the best thing for you.

[Legend789]

It seems like you both should consult a therapist, best of all if together. I think you should heal together. It's obvious that he isn't equip to deal with this problem, and he has to learn how. I believe very few of us would actually react correctly to something like this. Looking for a sort of justice is actually a very usual reaction, I would think. It is silly that he wouldn't trust you because you dated someone else while you were separated though. However, therapy can help with that as well. He can be much more supportive once he knows the correct way to be.

However, if you've already broken up with him, I think the problem's solved on behalf of the relationship if you already have. You could convince him to see a therapist by himself, but it's up to you if you are already separated, in which case, you aren't responsible for helping him with that.

If you haven't, I don't think people here on Gaia can tell you more about your situation than you can and especially that you should dump your boyfriend based on the little information that you can give without revealing too many personal things, and without projecting themselves onto you. It seems that people are all too ready to throw something away for a few cracks rather than attempt to fix it, especially something that isn't theirs. We can and should only listen. Nobody here's an expert, but we can advise you to consult an expert. However, even if you decide not to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend now, this can still be a growing experience.

TL;DR: my two cents is that if you're still together, you should see a therapist together. It will help with the healing process.

[IAmAnxiety]

Thank you everyone for the responses, I'm still unsure of what I want to do, but I don't think I'm going to be leaving my boyfriend.

We've both only had a few days to process all of this, he wants to hurt someone for me. That's how he wants to cope with it and I won't tell him who it is to hurt.

Do I think he should be concerned with me flirting with someone else? I mean, I wouldn't want him to flirt with someone else so I can see the concern but it was voiced at like the worst possible time ever, and I think he knows that now but he was trying to create a picture of the night in his head.

Right now with him being the ONLY one (other than you LI folks) who knows about this and I could really use someone around through this, I don't see us making a split.

I think he's trying now, but every time we start to talk about it he gets frustrated and says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

[Tsubahi]

Your boyfriend sounds like a complete loser who DOESN'T care about your feelings or well-being, especially after a VERY serious incident. neutral

Perhaps you're much better off with a nicer man? confused