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My father is impervious to logic. He's turning 59 on Monday, and so the topic of retirement came up. He wants to retire at 60, mainly because my highly autistic brother, who is turning 19 in December, stops getting schooling when he turns 21. My dad wants to be able to take full-time care of him in our home. However, this just isn't realistic. I'm in college and my brother is still in diapers, which, for those of you who don't know, cost an arm and a leg. We also have many other expenses, such as loan payments, regular bills, and the day-to-day expenses. My dad is a single parent and only makes about 50k a year, so we live from week to week as it is. We are always struggling with money. I tried explaining to my dad that retiring so soon is in the worst interest of the family, but he refuses to believe that's the case. He thinks the exact opposite - that retiring in a year is in the best interest of the family. My dad also suffers from paranoia and hasn't taken medication for it in over twenty years. His paranoia stops him from receiving care people for my brother that we are entitled to. As I mentioned, my dad's also turning 60 and he's getting older. My brother, even though autistic, is a tall, sturdy young man, and will soon be able to overpower my father, if he can't already. But no matter how much you try to talk to my father, and try to reason with him, he refuses to believe anything but the thoughts already in his mind. He is going to seriously hurt this family if he goes along with his plan, and I don't know how to stop him.
Eisefin's avatar

Greedy Receiver

Have a print-out of all the monthly costs such as bills, groceries, diapers, other care products, everything they use during the month and show him. Explain to him how incredibly unreasonable it is to do what he wants to do without assistance and a job. Ask him how he plans to afford it and how he plans to control your brother if he one day decides he doesn't want to be dealt with and turns on him.

Facing him with harsh reality and facts may help set him straight.
Eisefin
Have a print-out of all the monthly costs such as bills, groceries, diapers, other care products, everything they use during the month and show him. Explain to him how incredibly unreasonable it is to do what he wants to do without assistance and a job. Ask him how he plans to afford it and how he plans to control your brother if he one day decides he doesn't want to be dealt with and turns on him.

Facing him with harsh reality and facts may help set him straight.


The print-out is a great idea I'm going to try, but to be honest, I don't know all the expenses. I'd have to ask him, and, because of his paranoia, I'm afraid he won't share them with me. But we'll see.

My aunt and I have already approached him about my brother turning on him, and he, too, refuses to believe that, saying "He's my son, he would never do that." My dad lives in his own fantasy land and really should be on medication.
Eisefin's avatar

Greedy Receiver

Bonjour Belle
Eisefin
Have a print-out of all the monthly costs such as bills, groceries, diapers, other care products, everything they use during the month and show him. Explain to him how incredibly unreasonable it is to do what he wants to do without assistance and a job. Ask him how he plans to afford it and how he plans to control your brother if he one day decides he doesn't want to be dealt with and turns on him.

Facing him with harsh reality and facts may help set him straight.


The print-out is a great idea I'm going to try, but to be honest, I don't know all the expenses. I'd have to ask him, and, because of his paranoia, I'm afraid he won't share them with me. But we'll see.

My aunt and I have already approached him about my brother turning on him, and he, too, refuses to believe that, saying "He's my son, he would never do that." My dad lives in his own fantasy land and really should be on medication.


Embellish if you have to. Diapers, miscellaneous items, and groceries are easy enough to look up online after looking around. Different stores have varied prices, but they're close to an average. Bills will be a little more difficult, but you could ask your aunt what she pays and perhaps guess if it's close enough. If it isn't then your father can fill in that gap by himself by correcting it, but whether or not that price is higher or lower will not matter much after he sees how astronomical other costs are combined.

I can tell you, my husband and I spend about $300+ on groceries for our three member family (almost four), $100+ on diapers, miscellaneous varies considering I am a bulk buyer, but it's up in the $100's sometimes, and with bills being about $2,000 a month you can see it's expensive to live - and this is in a townhome with no member of this family having medical or disability needs. I wager your father needs to splurge a little more for your brother, perhaps doctor visits?

Insurance is costly and medical attention is even more costly without.

If he himself is of sound mind then these numbers should wake up. Now, about your brother, YouTube and Google may end up being your friend. Search for incidents of autistic children (and adults) turning on their family members or going into a rage. And search for facts about it. Family is regardless for someone who is mentally ill. It is not entirely their fault, but it happens if they go into that rage.
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Do you know how expensive it is for the alternative? Because after your brother is out of schooling someone needs to take care of him from the sounds of it? So if not your father..who?
angel_259236102
Do you know how expensive it is for the alternative? Because after your brother is out of schooling someone needs to take care of him from the sounds of it? So if not your father..who?


In the US, there's a lot of state-provided care for disabled people, which taxes pay for ...

For the OP: It may be worth trying to go to court and have your father removed as your brother's guardian? If he's denying his son care and you can prove he's got mental issues, then the courts may give guardianship to you ... at which point you can access the state services on your brother's behalf and get him some caretakers who are not your father.
Some older people refuse to believe that they are getting older and weaker.

Sometimes tough love it the way go.

Get all the information, do the numbers and show him the facts. Some people need to see to believe.
I would show your dad all of the financial facts.
However, have you considered moving your brother into a group home? My brother is also autistic, and it was very difficult for my parents to care for him as he got bigger and stronger than them. He is now in a setting where he is taken care of by caretakers full time. I don't know how all of the state finances works with that (also depends on the state itself), but look into it. He can also receives many services in the group home such as therapy, etc (if needed). I know you mentioned that your dad is paranoid, but in the end, it won't be fair to anyone in the family-especially him- if he goes through with this retirement and trying to take care of your brothers, which could lead to extremely problematic situations.
ok one i commend your father for wanting to take care of your brother when he no longer has school to go too.
two.... are you still living in the home with them? if so are you working on top of school to help pay bills? if not then i don't wanna hear it at least your father is one of the few parents left who would rather have their child with them then i a home somewhere.
three... if you are working on top of school to help with bills then i commend you as well but urge you to help your father find a way to make it work to where he can take care of your brother without trying to make him think his plan is totally wrong. try looking into funding that is offered to families with disabled kids and and any other resocres that may be available to ya'll. don't just put it all on your dad if you're still at home as well.
Eisefin's avatar

Greedy Receiver

Lil Enslaved Kitten
ok one i commend your father for wanting to take care of your brother when he no longer has school to go too.
two.... are you still living in the home with them? if so are you working on top of school to help pay bills? if not then i don't wanna hear it at least your father is one of the few parents left who would rather have their child with them then i a home somewhere.
three... if you are working on top of school to help with bills then i commend you as well but urge you to help your father find a way to make it work to where he can take care of your brother without trying to make him think his plan is totally wrong. try looking into funding that is offered to families with disabled kids and and any other resocres that may be available to ya'll. don't just put it all on your dad if you're still at home as well.


No, what her dad wants to do is unrealistic. He wants to quit working because he feels it's the right time at sixty to care for an autistic adult on his own. Without financial support. Not only is a sixty-year-old man taking care of an autist alone potentially dangerous but it's neither fair for the father neither the brother. If the degree of the brother's disability is to the extent that he needs tobe watched full-time then he should be watched by professionals in a safe facility where thwy have access to all the proper care, equipment and needs.

It's not commendable. It's delusional. If the father decided to keep his job and hire a registered nurse through an in-home program THEN it would be commendable. The OP shouldn't be required to pay for bills the father decides not to pay for neither should she have to pay for the medical necessities or diapers. If the father wants to drop everything and not make money to do all of this then it's his own fault and own business, which will only hurt the brother.

Also, state services won't provide that kind of money that they will need to survive. The government won't pay for their house payments, bills, groceries, miscellaneous materials, medical necessities, and everything else. They will give the bare minimum to survive, which may be food stamps ($300) and some cash support ($200). That's NOT enough. Likely, if they did go to the state for help and they realize what a stupid move the father pulled, the state will seize the brother and place him in a facility themselves because by voluntarily having no in-come can be defined as negligence.
Eisefin
Lil Enslaved Kitten
ok one i commend your father for wanting to take care of your brother when he no longer has school to go too.
two.... are you still living in the home with them? if so are you working on top of school to help pay bills? if not then i don't wanna hear it at least your father is one of the few parents left who would rather have their child with them then i a home somewhere.
three... if you are working on top of school to help with bills then i commend you as well but urge you to help your father find a way to make it work to where he can take care of your brother without trying to make him think his plan is totally wrong. try looking into funding that is offered to families with disabled kids and and any other resocres that may be available to ya'll. don't just put it all on your dad if you're still at home as well.


No, what her dad wants to do is unrealistic. He wants to quit working because he feels it's the right time at sixty to care for an autistic adult on his own. Without financial support. Not only is a sixty-year-old man taking care of an autist alone potentially dangerous but it's neither fair for the father neither the brother. If the degree of the brother's disability is to the extent that he needs tobe watched full-time then he should be watched by professionals in a safe facility where thwy have access to all the proper care, equipment and needs.

It's not commendable. It's delusional. If the father decided to keep his job and hire a registered nurse through an in-home program THEN it would be commendable. The OP shouldn't be required to pay for bills the father decides not to pay for neither should she have to pay for the medical necessities or diapers. If the father wants to drop everything and not make money to do all of this then it's his own fault and own business, which will only hurt the brother.

Also, state services won't provide that kind of money that they will need to survive. The government won't pay for their house payments, bills, groceries, miscellaneous materials, medical necessities, and everything else. They will give the bare minimum to survive, which may be food stamps ($300) and some cash support ($200). That's NOT enough. Likely, if they did go to the state for help and they realize what a stupid move the father pulled, the state will seize the brother and place him in a facility themselves because by voluntarily having no in-come can be defined as negligence.
from what i understood of the post he is wanting to retire which means he would still have income just not as much. and there are many state funded things such as hilltoppers (the name of the one where i live) that will pay for the father to stay home with him
also i'm not saying she should being paying for medical but if she is old enough to be in collage then she's old enough to have a job and help with bills. that's just my op though.
also if the brother's disability is bad enough to where he has to have 24 hour help then he should also have a income that helps pay for bills that's what SSI is for and medicad which is set up for people in his shoes.
Eisefin's avatar

Greedy Receiver

Lil Enslaved Kitten
Eisefin
Lil Enslaved Kitten
ok one i commend your father for wanting to take care of your brother when he no longer has school to go too.
two.... are you still living in the home with them? if so are you working on top of school to help pay bills? if not then i don't wanna hear it at least your father is one of the few parents left who would rather have their child with them then i a home somewhere.
three... if you are working on top of school to help with bills then i commend you as well but urge you to help your father find a way to make it work to where he can take care of your brother without trying to make him think his plan is totally wrong. try looking into funding that is offered to families with disabled kids and and any other resocres that may be available to ya'll. don't just put it all on your dad if you're still at home as well.


No, what her dad wants to do is unrealistic. He wants to quit working because he feels it's the right time at sixty to care for an autistic adult on his own. Without financial support. Not only is a sixty-year-old man taking care of an autist alone potentially dangerous but it's neither fair for the father neither the brother. If the degree of the brother's disability is to the extent that he needs tobe watched full-time then he should be watched by professionals in a safe facility where thwy have access to all the proper care, equipment and needs.

It's not commendable. It's delusional. If the father decided to keep his job and hire a registered nurse through an in-home program THEN it would be commendable. The OP shouldn't be required to pay for bills the father decides not to pay for neither should she have to pay for the medical necessities or diapers. If the father wants to drop everything and not make money to do all of this then it's his own fault and own business, which will only hurt the brother.

Also, state services won't provide that kind of money that they will need to survive. The government won't pay for their house payments, bills, groceries, miscellaneous materials, medical necessities, and everything else. They will give the bare minimum to survive, which may be food stamps ($300) and some cash support ($200). That's NOT enough. Likely, if they did go to the state for help and they realize what a stupid move the father pulled, the state will seize the brother and place him in a facility themselves because by voluntarily having no in-come can be defined as negligence.
from what i understood of the post he is wanting to retire which means he would still have income just not as much. and there are many state funded things such as hilltoppers (the name of the one where i live) that will pay for the father to stay home with him
also i'm not saying she should being paying for medical but if she is old enough to be in collage then she's old enough to have a job and help with bills. that's just my op though.
also if the brother's disability is bad enough to where he has to have 24 hour help then he should also have a income that helps pay for bills that's what SSI is for and medicad which is set up for people in his shoes.


We don't know if he even HAS ny money saved up in his retirement funds or 401k. You only get that money if you were putting it in and it's supposed to last for yourself until you pass away, not go into paying for yourself and an autistic adult who needs so much.

And don't rely on SSI. Don't think that solves everything. It's just like welfare, they will give you the barest minimum - and that's if you even get accepted. In the US these days, it is extremely difficult to get accepted into SSI for liability reasons and due to people mooching off the system. I have a friend who has been physically crippled with his insides barely functioning and wasn't accepted for SSI because they said he would cost too much and should go into a facility. They would pay for his facility care and treatments, but he would have needed to be a resident and to stay there. Autism is another one of those that is extremely difficult to get accepted on and if they see the severity of his case they will likely deny it and make him go to a facility.

And again, we don't know if the OP is livinf at home or what she does, but she should not be responsible for paying the bills if her father decides to quit without reassuring the family if he even HAS money saved for retirement or a plan. From what we have gathered, he is a paranoid old man with unrealistic expectations.
angel_259236102
Do you know how expensive it is for the alternative? Because after your brother is out of schooling someone needs to take care of him from the sounds of it? So if not your father..who?


My brother gets decent social security and is entitled to outside help, social workers, caretakers. My dad is just too paranoid to 1. allow anyone in our apartment and 2. have someone take care of my brother. My brother cannot talk, and he can't write out coherent sentences, so I can understand that he'd be afraid of my brother being abused, but not everyone is evil.
Miyuki Takayama
I would show your dad all of the financial facts.
However, have you considered moving your brother into a group home? My brother is also autistic, and it was very difficult for my parents to care for him as he got bigger and stronger than them. He is now in a setting where he is taken care of by caretakers full time. I don't know how all of the state finances works with that (also depends on the state itself), but look into it. He can also receives many services in the group home such as therapy, etc (if needed). I know you mentioned that your dad is paranoid, but in the end, it won't be fair to anyone in the family-especially him- if he goes through with this retirement and trying to take care of your brothers, which could lead to extremely problematic situations.


Honestly, I've always thought a group home was the best way to go, but my dad would rather die than put him in one. He told me that he hopes he dies before he has to live to see me put my brother into one. So, yeah. My dad won't do it, but eventually, that's where my brother is going to end up.
Lil Enslaved Kitten
ok one i commend your father for wanting to take care of your brother when he no longer has school to go too.
two.... are you still living in the home with them? if so are you working on top of school to help pay bills? if not then i don't wanna hear it at least your father is one of the few parents left who would rather have their child with them then i a home somewhere.
three... if you are working on top of school to help with bills then i commend you as well but urge you to help your father find a way to make it work to where he can take care of your brother without trying to make him think his plan is totally wrong. try looking into funding that is offered to families with disabled kids and and any other resocres that may be available to ya'll. don't just put it all on your dad if you're still at home as well.


Yes, I'm still living at home, but I dorm for most of the year. I have a job on campus and I have a small job this summer, as well as an unpaid internship. The money I make doesn't go towards any bills, but it does go towards anything I may need at school: groceries, supplies, going out, etc. I may not be helping with bills (honestly, I don't even make enough to), but I'm working myself so my dad doesn't need to give me money for things I personally need. Of course I have looked into other alternatives, like caretakers, as I've mentioned, but my dad won't listen to my ideas.

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