Almost Near My Breaking Point

[StrrawberryCake]

It will take a lot of work if you want to piss me off, but lately it's getting easier and easier to push me the wrong way. Whenever I meet new people, they're always surprised to see how optimistic I am when I share them my story of abuse and assaults. Lately, I started to noticed that it's becoming harder and harder to be happy. My depression is getting worse and I'm starting to develop anger issues. Suicide is on my mine EVERY SINGLE DAY and it feels impossible to find a good reason to stay alive.

I can come up with all these reasons to kill myself, but only one good reason to stay alive. However it's not good enough to make up for all the reasons to end it all.

I would type my life story for you all to read to help better understand me and my situation, but I always get frustrated and angry (at some point, I will re-post this with my life story). The most I can say is that I use to have an abusive life. That nightmare is finally over, but now there's a new nightmare to relive. Atop it all I have to deal with my diabetes, graves disease, hyperthyroid, anxiety, and depression. It's becoming expensive to pay for my medicine with only one insurance. I get stressed out so easily that my blood sugar levels can never stay low. I feel like it will benefit my family more if I ended my life.

My anger issues are becoming noticeable, whenever I get frustrated I start slamming and punching things, screaming, having the urge to break something or hurt someone. I'm not my usual self anymore and it's starting to scare me. It's weird because if I'm playing a multiplier game, I can keep my cool. For some reason, if I'm dealing with people I can see or doing something that frustrate me (such as drawing, or talking to my little sister) I lose it.

I don't get along with my little sister to begin with. She angers me in every single way. I use to be able to control my anger towards her very well, but now I can't. If she doesn't cut out her s**t soon, I'm going to do something that optimistic me would regret. She has her father side of the family scum of the Earth flaws. It's like a family of nothing but black sheep. I can never confront her without seeing her god awful father and brother disgusting habits. My anger quickly fills up the air when I try to ask her to help around the house. I'm a different person when I'm angry. It's like I disappear for a while and when I come back, everything around me is torn and banged up.

It's hard for me to seek any help. It's difficult to go up to a close friend and admit to them that I've been wanting to kill myself. I hate seeing a therapist because all they're good for is telling you which pill is best for you pop. Which doesn't even help, just makes it a billion times worse.

I just want to get better... I'm not myself and I can see that. Whenever I try to tell myself that things will get better, I can always hear this voice "Don't lie to yourself, your health problems will never let you live a happy life"

Thank you for taking the time to read this and/or respond. Any type of help is appreciated.

[Adversative]

Quote:

Whenever I try to tell myself that things will get better, I can always hear this voice "Don't lie to yourself, your health problems will never let you live a happy life"

I mean, it sounds like it's health problems + a stressful living environment + a bunch of bad life experiences that you haven't worked through yet. It's really hard to improve one of those things when the other two are dragging you down, BUT if you can improve any one of them the other two will be easier to deal with.

It sounds like the main thing you need to do right now is figure out how to get space from your sister and work on awareness and regulation of your emotions. Since you're not into therapists, you might look into some therapy workbooks or psych textbooks that you can buy online. You can do them yourself and focus on building skills, rather than medications.

[Cosmic Jirachi]

StrrawberryCake

It's hard for me to seek any help. It's difficult to go up to a close friend and admit to them that I've been wanting to kill myself. I hate seeing a therapist because all they're good for is telling you which pill is best for you pop. Which doesn't even help, just makes it a billion times worse.

Get a psychologist. Psychologists aren't certified to give out prescriptions, and there are plenty of them out there who genuinely want to help without even suggesting that you see someone who will give you pills. If you don't find the perfect one the first time, keep trying until you do. You shouldn't try to fight alone... you need help from a professional who knows what they're doing.

[Psykeiri]

Hi Strrawberry,

It certainly sounds like you've been through a lot, and it seems your home and health situation makes it that much harder to deal with. I hear you saying you have one good reason to stay alive - what is that (if you don't mind me asking)?

[StrrawberryCake]

Adversative

Quote:

Whenever I try to tell myself that things will get better, I can always hear this voice "Don't lie to yourself, your health problems will never let you live a happy life"

I mean, it sounds like it's health problems + a stressful living environment + a bunch of bad life experiences that you haven't worked through yet. It's really hard to improve one of those things when the other two are dragging you down, BUT if you can improve any one of them the other two will be easier to deal with.

It sounds like the main thing you need to do right now is figure out how to get space from your sister and work on awareness and regulation of your emotions. Since you're not into therapists, you might look into some therapy workbooks or psych textbooks that you can buy online. You can do them yourself and focus on building skills, rather than medications.

Thank you so much for your reply, and sorry for my late reply.

I feel the same way too, if I can at least improve one of them, the others will lighten up the load. I always have my days plan out so I can be a little more productive and to see if I'm accomplishing anything. I'm trying to steer my boat in the right direction, but it always seem like I'm lost at sea.

I have so little patience with her and I try to get my mother to understand that it's easier to get me into the deep end now. We all have a lot on our plate and my little sister is the only one who isn't helping out. She wastes food and money like it's nothing and always gives her excuses for the way she acts. I think things would lighten up a little bit more is she was useful around the house.

My mother has a couple laying around the house, but never bothered reading any of them.

[StrrawberryCake]

Jazz the Fighter

StrrawberryCake

It's hard for me to seek any help. It's difficult to go up to a close friend and admit to them that I've been wanting to kill myself. I hate seeing a therapist because all they're good for is telling you which pill is best for you pop. Which doesn't even help, just makes it a billion times worse.

Get a psychologist. Psychologists aren't certified to give out prescriptions, and there are plenty of them out there who genuinely want to help without even suggesting that you see someone who will give you pills. If you don't find the perfect one the first time, keep trying until you do. You shouldn't try to fight alone... you need help from a professional who knows what they're doing.

Thank you so much for replying.

When I was living in a shelter for a little while, there was a counselor there that was better than any therapist or psychologist I have ever met. The first psychologist I met recommended that I stay at a mental institution.

It took a while before I met someone that could actually help me deal with my problems. I moved here in Kansas about six months ago. We haven't got the chance to explore this town much. I never really took the time to research some psychologists near me. I'll try looking into that. I just thought if I hold out long enough, things would get better soon.

I just thought I would have a better chance of getting help if I started here, I've gotten some advice just by lurking.

[StrrawberryCake]

Petrosoap

Hi Strrawberry,

It certainly sounds like you've been through a lot, and it seems your home and health situation makes it that much harder to deal with. I hear you saying you have one good reason to stay alive - what is that (if you don't mind me asking)?

Yeah, it's been rough. It's finally not that bad anymore, but for some reason it feels like I'm being tortured from the inside.

My only reason is my friend Zack. He's been there for me through every step of the way. He's been there for my downs, and he's been there for my ups. He's the reason why I keep on sailing.

Although.... I feel like he'll be better off without me. I'm dealing with depression and my health issues in general. I just feel awful that he puts up with someone like me. With my anger issues now, I feel like I'm driving him further and further away. It doesn't take much to make me snap now.
So in a way, he completes my world, but I'm destroying his.

Thank you so much for replying.

[Adversative]

StrrawberryCake

Adversative

Quote:

Whenever I try to tell myself that things will get better, I can always hear this voice "Don't lie to yourself, your health problems will never let you live a happy life"

I mean, it sounds like it's health problems + a stressful living environment + a bunch of bad life experiences that you haven't worked through yet. It's really hard to improve one of those things when the other two are dragging you down, BUT if you can improve any one of them the other two will be easier to deal with.

It sounds like the main thing you need to do right now is figure out how to get space from your sister and work on awareness and regulation of your emotions. Since you're not into therapists, you might look into some therapy workbooks or psych textbooks that you can buy online. You can do them yourself and focus on building skills, rather than medications.

Thank you so much for your reply, and sorry for my late reply.

I feel the same way too, if I can at least improve one of them, the others will lighten up the load. I always have my days plan out so I can be a little more productive and to see if I'm accomplishing anything. I'm trying to steer my boat in the right direction, but it always seem like I'm lost at sea.

I have so little patience with her and I try to get my mother to understand that it's easier to get me into the deep end now. We all have a lot on our plate and my little sister is the only one who isn't helping out. She wastes food and money like it's nothing and always gives her excuses for the way she acts. I think things would lighten up a little bit more is she was useful around the house.

My mother has a couple laying around the house, but never bothered reading any of them.

Therapy books are very much like therapists -- some styles will work for you, and some won't. So your mom's books might not be a good fit. Even if something doesn't work for you, it can be useful to ask "ok, why doesn't this work?"

It sounds like you're taking on a lot of responsibility for your sister that should be your mom's responsibility. Is she taking your food or money? How are you affected if she doesn't help out around the house? If at all possible, I'd just box your sister out to a place where her irresponsibility doesn't negatively affect you, and let your mom deal with her from there.

[Psykeiri]

StrrawberryCake

Petrosoap

Hi Strrawberry,

It certainly sounds like you've been through a lot, and it seems your home and health situation makes it that much harder to deal with. I hear you saying you have one good reason to stay alive - what is that (if you don't mind me asking)?

Yeah, it's been rough. It's finally not that bad anymore, but for some reason it feels like I'm being tortured from the inside.

My only reason is my friend Zack. He's been there for me through every step of the way. He's been there for my downs, and he's been there for my ups. He's the reason why I keep on sailing.

Although.... I feel like he'll be better off without me. I'm dealing with depression and my health issues in general. I just feel awful that he puts up with someone like me. With my anger issues now, I feel like I'm driving him further and further away. It doesn't take much to make me snap now.
So in a way, he completes my world, but I'm destroying his.

Thank you so much for replying.

You're welcome :]. I'm glad to hear things have improved somewhat!

Do you think your past might be affecting you more internally now that you have more space to process what happened to you?

The way you describe Zack gives me the impression that he genuinely likes and cares about you.
Did he tell you that you're destroying his world?

If you didn't have to worry about money, what do you think would help you most?

[Sheep Kitchen]

Jazz the Fighter

StrrawberryCake

It's hard for me to seek any help. It's difficult to go up to a close friend and admit to them that I've been wanting to kill myself. I hate seeing a therapist because all they're good for is telling you which pill is best for you pop. Which doesn't even help, just makes it a billion times worse.

Get a psychologist. Psychologists aren't certified to give out prescriptions, and there are plenty of them out there who genuinely want to help without even suggesting that you see someone who will give you pills. If you don't find the perfect one the first time, keep trying until you do. You shouldn't try to fight alone... you need help from a professional who knows what they're doing.

I second the psychologist. This is something you need to seek outside help with, but it will only work if YOU want it to. You have to make the choice to get help.

I've struggled with depression since I was very young. I've been through therapy and suicide watches before, and none of it helped because counseling at that time was not my idea. I wouldn't toss out the idea of taking medication either though. Seeing a psychologist and taking an antidepressant together has done more to help me feel stable than just one or the other. The biggest factor though was realizing that I needed outside help, that I couldn't do this on my own, and then choosing to seek that help.

[crystalpraise]

Those negative thoughts are not your own and the fact that you want things to get better is a blessing are you spiritual Christian counselors are very good to go to because they help talk you through your problems and are very slow to prescribe any type of prescription sometimes they even visit you at home and call and check up on you all for FREE. The scars of the past don't define us I'm sure that you are a super awesome person ❤❤❤